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November 30, 2001:

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED I WENT DANCING

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, the rains of yesterday are gone and today the sun is out and it is a rather startlingly beautiful day here in Studio City, California 91604. Remember when zip codes were “zones” and had two numbers? Like Hollywood 28, California. I always preferred zones to zip codes. First of all, I had a zip code long before they existed, and that zip code was always to be zipped up. That was a fine zip code for a young lad to have, because if you were zipped down everyone pointed at you and made fun of you. The more astute of you may have noticed that I have somehow managed to get right to the zipper, and that is because this is the “tease” section, this is supposed to get you all hot and bothered to click the Unseemly Button below to get to the body of these here notes. Also, it has been pointed out to me that the Unseemly Button is not actually a button at all, it is words. And yet, I keep calling it an Unseemly Button. I know not why, I just do. Zip. Uh, oh, to see the result of the zip, you will have to click the Unseemly Button Which Is Really Words below.

The result of the zip is this: Oh, I can’t show you because we are not set up at this time to put photos here. Or maybe we are, but I haven’t learned how yet. I don’t have a shortcut key for photos, and unless I have a shortcut key I can’t do anything. My shortcut key, by the way, is Eb.

Last night I dreamed I went dancing in my Maidenform Bra. Not really, but I did think of that ad line when I woke up this morning. Isn’t that peculiar? Why would I think of that, close to forty years after the ad ran? But, when I arose from my bed this morning I thought, “Last night I dreamed I went dancing in my Maidenform Bra”. First of all, I did not dream I went dancing in my Maidenform Bra, and second of all, I have never even worn a Maidenform Bra. Well, maybe I did, but it was a long time ago. But in order to find out about that you’ll have to read my brand spanking new and very first novel. One way or another, my novel will be published (even if I do it myself). The literary department of my agent (William Morris) has just gotten it. I do hope they like it and will send it to many publishers and I do hope there will be a bidding war. If not, I will publish the damn thing myself and you will be able to get it right here at haineshisway.com. I’m quite happy with my very first novel, and, just to set the record straight, I was not wearing a Maidenform Bra whilst writing it. Can you still set a record straight? Can a record be crooked? Can a CD be set straight? Can I be set straight? I’ll be setting the record straight very soon, dear readers, because I cannot stand crooked things.

I got a very nice e-mail from a new dear reader who lives down under in Oz. He is actually an old dear reader, from the days when I was writing a column on another website under a pseudonym. Have you ever been under a pseudonym? Very uncomfortable, especially for long periods of time. If the pseudonym would only lose some weight it wouldn’t be so bad. Also, why did I have to write under a pseudonym. I coulnd’t have the real nym? I want the real damn nym from now on, no more fake nyms for me.
More importantly, can a period be long? It’s a little dot and there is simply no way to make a little dot long. More importantly, what is time doing with all the long periods? Some periods, of course, do last a long time, but that is a whole other set of notes.

Last night I dreamed I went dancing in my Maidenform Bra. Last night I dreamed I was at Manderly. Last night when we were young. Does anyone have any idea as to what the hell I’m talking about?

Shall I review a motion picture? Why not? Today I shall review the great film Shaft. Shaft was one of the biggest Blaxploitation hits, and it’s still a lot of fun. It’s basically a standard private eye thing, but done in that grainy fun seventies style. Also, lots of great glimpses of early seventies New York, a New York that in some ways doesn’t exist anymore. In any case, Shaft is a private eye who gives the shaft to bad people who have given the shaft to good people. And give them the shaft he does, this Shaft. I think it is great to watch the bad guys get the shaft from Shaft and brother do they ever get the shaft. Some nice women get the Shaft, too, but that is an entirely different and apparently pleasurable kind of Shaft. Getting the shaft is not pleasurable, but it is great to have a hero like Shaft who can set the record straight, shaft-wise. I don’t recommend getting the shaft but I do recommend getting the Shaft – it’s on DVD in a very nice (but grainy-on-purpose) enhanced transfer. It has two sequels, Shaft’s Big Score and Shaft in Africa, but they are not nearly as good.

Someone suggested that people who visit this site regularly should be called Hainsies. What do we think of this? Don’t forget to post your comments in the Unseemly Comment Box below (unlike the Unseemly Button, this is an actual box). Also, if you’ve missed any of these unseemly notes, merely click on the Unseemly Archive Button at the top of any page. I know it’s not really a button, but I like to call everything a button. So, I shall button up my overcoat, button my lip, and be done with these here notes for now. But I shall return tomorrow. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I shall return tomorrow, on Saturday, because you have willed it. Until then, I shall dream I went dancing in my Maidenform Bra.

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