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December 2, 2001:

JORDAN ALMONDS AND OTHER NUTS

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, here we are on a Sunday, and although the weekend traffic remains light, haineshisway.com-wise, the loyal few shall have their Sunday entry because one must simply be loyal to those who are loyal.

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping at my beloved Gelson’s Market, and whilst there picking up my usual assortment of health-conscious foods such as no-fat gram hot dogs, lite hot dog buns, no-fat gram cheese slices, ham chunks and other oddities, I happened to pass by the nuts section. I rarely give the nuts section a second glance because nuts, as any health conscious person knows, are filled with unseemly fat grams. Oops, aren’t I supposed to be teasing? Well, let me tell you about the nuts I saw…

Get your collective minds out of the gutter right this very minute. In any case, there I was in the nuts section and what I saw there stunned me. Oh, yes stun is the only word to describe what I saw whilst in the middle of the nuts section. Of course, stun is nuts spelled backwards, so there you are. In any case, I saw a can of Jordan Almonds. Yes, you heard it here, I, bk, saw a can of Jordan Almonds. Now, I haven’t had a Jordan Almond in a coon’s age, but as soon as I saw the can I could taste them as if I’d eaten them yesterday. I used to love Jordan Almonds and would buy them regularly whilst attending the motion pictures. Well, I could not resist that can of Jordan Almonds and I didn’t resist that can of Jordan Almonds, no, I bought that can of Jordan Almonds. Thankfully, as cans go, it was on the small side. And the fat gram count wasn’t too unreasonable unless you were to eat the entire can, in which case it was very very unreasonable. I had some Jordan Almonds last night while watching Mr. Federico Fellini’s masterpiece, 8 1/2 on the about to be released DVD from Criterion (I got it early). In fact, in honor of M. Fellini’s masterpiece, I ate 8 1/2 Jordan Almonds. And may I just say, I still love Jordan Almonds and I still love M. Fellini’s masterpiece. What a great candy. What a great film.

I know, I know, that paragraph was toooooooooooooo looooooooooong and now I must listen to Mr. Mark Bakalor whine and I must be bitch slapped once again for my paragraph folly. If you’ve never seen Fellini’s 8 1/2, this DVD transfer is probably going to end up my favorite release of the year. It’s the best this film has looked since it was released, and frankly this DVD probably looks better than the release prints. It is luscious and luminous, enhanced for widescreen tvs. There is a whole second disc of extras, too.

Don’t forget, tomorrow is the premiere of The Broadway Radio Show with Donald Feltham, right here at haineshisway.com. Special guest on the premiere episode is Susan Egan. And Donald will be playing tracks from her new upcoming JAY Records release – this will be the first time anyone has heard any of these tracks, and the album won’t be released until next March. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. We must be the most popular site on the internet. We must win accolades and awards and then we can celebrate and eat cheese slices and ham chunks.

Mr. Mark Bakalor sent me an e-mail which contained a link to a page where you could buy haineshisway sweatshirts (for those who sweat), t-shirts (for those who t) and mouse pads (for those who mouse). I don’t know if it’s real, but if it is, by golly and by gum I want one of each. If it is indeed real, I shall include the handy-dandy link in tomorrow’s notes.

Well, I feel everyone who is reading these here notes on a Sunday, should all go out and buy your very own can of Jordan Almonds (they also come in a box for those who don’t like their Jordan Almonds in a can) and then we can all eat them today and think of each other. Isn’t that a nutty idea? And just who named the almond the almond, that’s what I’d like to know. Not to mention, who named the walnut the walnut and why, and who named the pecan the pecan and why, and who named the cashew the cashew and why? I mean, someone had to look at the nut and say, ah, I think I shall name this particular nut the almond. Why? And where does Jordan fit in all of this? Someone had two nuts in front of them (and I don’t mean Larry and Moe) and they looked back and forth at these two nuts and then said, “Well, I’ll call this nut the walnut because it’s closest to the wall, and I’ll call this nut the cashew because it’s close to that wad of cash laying there”. Or, maybe the inventor of the cashew was named Herbert J. Cashew and he named that nut for himself on account of he was mentally unbalanced, hence a Cashew nut. Will somebody please stop me right now.

I do believe I shall have to end these notes now and go have a few Jordan Almonds. I advise others to do the same. Tomorrow we shall have more notes and more nuts, because now I am on a nut kick. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I go around kicking nuts all day and all night. What fun it is, unless you’re the nut.

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