Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but it is a mere three days before Christmas, and the creatures are stirring including the mouse. The mouse, by the way, is currently sitting on my brand spanking new handy-dandy haineshisway.com mousepad.
You will notice that the title of today’s notes is “Subject”. Every morning when I begin to write my notes, I have to go to a special page which Mr. Mark Bakalor has kindly set up for me. This page is called “Add A New Entry” and the first thing one sees on this page is “Subject” and a place to type a title. And every morning I sit and I stare at “Subject” and think, “How the hell do I know what the subject is”, and yet every day I must come up with a title, because I am one of those people who can’t start the “Main Entry Text” (what you are reading now), unless they have the “Subject” title first. Hence, I have taken the easy way out today and simply called “Subject” “Subject”. So, the first Subject we shall get to is this: Why are there people outside trimming trees rather noisily at eight o’clock in the morning? This is Saturday, after all, a day in which people like to sleep in, but how can anyone sleep in with that fershluganah tree trimming going on? It sounds like a forest is being cut down out there. Grinding, sawing, motors awhirl, it’s very very very loud and I simply can’t think, let alone sleep, which is why I took the easy way out and used “Subject” as the title for these here notes, because the noise is driving me insane and I’m about to go out there and yell “SHUT UP WITH YOUR INFERNAL TREE-TRIMMING NOISES YOU BUNCH OF TREE-TRIMMING CRETINS”, but I shan’t, no I shan’t, because it is the Christmas season and it would be Scrooge-like for me to go out there and yell “SHUT UP WITH YOUR INFERNAL TREE-TRIMMING NOISES YOU BUNCH OF TREE-TRIMMING CRETINS” and has anyone noticed that this has turned into one of those infernal tree-trimming run-on sentences but do not blame me blame those infernal tree-trimming cretins because I cannot think with all that infernal noise going on and hence cannot even figure out where to put a period not to mention a semi-colon or any other unseemly punctuation but wait the noise has quite suddenly abated and heavenly silence is but wait the noise has started up again and damn their eyes for doing this on a Saturday morning when everyone is trying to sleep in and maybe if we all click on the Unseemly Button below we can make them stop stop stop their infernal tree-trimming and accompanying noises and even find a period in the bargain so quick on the count of three let’s all click one two three
. Well, you won’t believe it, but as soon as I typed that period the noise stopped. Just like that. Stopped, willy-nilly and also nilly-willy. Ah, that’s much better, I can now hear myself think (no mean feat).
Well, dear readers, here we are, three days before Christmas, two days prior to the day before Christmas and one day before the day before the day before Christmas. It is a time for merriment and joy and we must not let those who would bah humbug us to death get in the way of our merriment and joy. We must have unbridled merriment and joy, that is what I say. We must celebrate and we must glitter and be gay, and dance the Hora and other merry dances, like the Swim. We must eat fruitcake and minced beef. We must have holly and tinsel and mistletoe and festive accoutrements. No Scrooges allowed here at haineshisway.com. Here our days will be merry and bright and all our Christmases will be white. It is very silent outside now. Now we could all sleep in handily. Isn’t that always the way with these tree-trimming cretins. Show up at an unearthly hour, do their noisy business, wake everyone out of a sound sleep and then leave. Of course, they’re going home and they will go to sleep and sleep the livelong day, and I feel we should all find out where these tree-trimming cretins live and we should go over their house and stand outside their bedroom window and loudly and annoyingly sing the entire score to Pacific Overtures.
As those of you who read yesterday’s notes know (and those of you who didn’t can just go use the Unseemly Archive Button and read them right now – the notes this week have been especially piquant, I think, and you must go back and read the ones you may have inadvertantly or vertantly missed), today we are having our very first weekend trivia contest. You may e-mail your answers to me up until midnight Sunday, by simply using the unseemly “Ask Bruce” button. I know Mr. Mark Bakalor set up a special address to send answers to, but I cannot remember what it is. Perhaps, if he bothers to read these notes, Mr. Mark Bakalor will insert the special “Answer Trivia” address right here. Our trivia questions are provided courtesy of Mr. David Levy, who has done this sort of thing before. Here is today’s trivia question, which, by the way, was provided courtesy of Mr. David Levy, who has done this sort of thing before:
What Broadway commedienne made her big screen directorial debut with a
lavish musical that featured a current off-Broadway director as a mime?
Good luck to one and all and all and one, and may the best Hainsie win. If there are multiple winners, you will all be congratulated, but the first person who guesses correctly (according to the time-stamped e-mail) will be the High Winner and they will receive a special handy-dandy prize.
It is very silent outside. The wind is not even rustling through the tree branches, but that’s because those infernal tree-trimming cretins cut down all the tree branches, so the wind is rustling to no effect whatsoever, and if you think that makes the wind happy, think again.
Yesterday, I attended a meeting about the Turret’s Syndrome benefit I’ll be directing come April. As I’ve mentioned, it’s a benefit and it honors the music of the late Julius Wechter. It’s shaping up quite nicely. It will be held at the Alex Theater in Glendale. We’ll have a smashing array of guest stars, a house band, and various incarnations of Mr. Wechter’s glorious The Baja Marimba Band. I’ll be giving details about the performers and various guests as we set them (one always has to say “schedules permitting” about people who appear in benefits) – but I can tell you the first two people we’ve set are the fabulous Sally Kellerman and the wonderful Karen Morrow.
Well, dear readers, I know you have things to do, places to go, people to see and so I shall end these here notes right here and now and also right now and here. I shall go on my merry way, because, after all, it is a time to be merry and to glitter and be gay. And if there are any dear readers in the Los Angeles area who’d like to stop by for some Christmas Eve cheer at my annual Christmas Eve do, please drop me an e-mail. There will be ham chunks and cheese slices galore, and we will eat them without shame whilst dancing the Hora and perhaps even the locomotion.