Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but we are a mere six days from Christmas. Recently, during this festive Christmas season, I have been on a bacon kick. I have been making bacon and then kicking it to and fro and hither and thither and occasionally even yon and what fun it is. If you haven’t kicked any bacon recently, you are in for a treat. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, my bacon kick. I have been having BLTs, dear readers, and BLTs with avacado, bacon and eggs and bacon all by its very own self. Bacon, bacon, bacon. However, last night I overdosed on bacon, when I had the humungous BLT at Art’s deli. I am now a member of BEA (Bacon Eaters Anonymous) and am happily on the road to being a recovering bacon addict.
As those who peruse these here notes on a daily basis know, yesterday I attended a recording session wherein my song, When You’re Waiting For Love, was recorded for Miss Lisa Richard’s new album. After having produced 130 albums in the last seven or eight years, it was very nice to not really have to do anything but sit and enjoy the music-making. My wonderful orchestrator David Siegel did the chart on my song, and, as usual, his work was simply lovely. Miss Lisa Richard hasn’t done the vocal yet, but I know she’ll do a lovely job with it.
And what has any of this to do with today’s title, The Green Envelope? Well, I suppose we’ll all have to just click that damnable Unseemly Button below to find out.
I’ve been looking everywhere and I haven’t found “out” yet. Have you? “Out” has gone missing – I’ve reported the disappearance to the proper authorities. The proper authorities have put out an APB, and hopefully we’ll find out very soon. Where was I? Oh, yes, what any of this has to do with today’s title, The Green Envelope. Well, I don’t believe it has had anything to do with today’s title, and that is simply heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). How dare I write a title like The Green Envelope, and then talk about bacon and recording sessions and how many days are left to Christmas? I should be flogged, like Judge Turpin. I should be castigated, and made to listen to the cast album of Bed and Sofa over and over again until I want to rip the very eyes out of their very sockets (“You take the bed, and I the sofa”).
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…
I love singing Christmas songs, don’t you? However, when is the last time you roasted chestnuts, let alone on an open fire? And I’m sorry, but Jack Frost has never, never ever, nipped at my nose. Oh, Jack Frost nipped at my butt cheeks once, but that is hardly the same thing, now is it? And just who came up with the name “chestnuts”? Someone long ago found some nuts that hadn’t been named, and while he was trying to figure out what to call his new nuts, he happened to put them on his chest? Then, when he simply could not figure out what to call them, he took the easy way out and called them chestnuts? It’s a good thing he didn’t call them Hazelnuts, because Hazel Vorp had already trademarked her nuts and he could have been sued. He would have been taken to court and then we’d have had The Nut Case. Because it is no fun to be sued, I would recommend that we all trademark our very own nuts. Trademarked nuts are the ticket, dear readers. We must protect our nuts, and not let people sue us. And how did Sue get into the action? People Sue all the time. Why don’t they Diane for a change. I would much rather be Dianed than Sued, frankly. And just how did Frank sneak in there? Frankly, I don’t have a clue, and I also don’t have a clue, Georgely. Apparently, I don’t have a clue period.
And just what does any of this have to do with The Green Envelope, which is, by the way, the title of today’s notes?
Everybody knows some turkey and some mistletoe
Have you ever had some turkey and some mistletoe? Turkey and cranberriers, sure, but turkey and mistletoe? Yechhh. Blechhh. Turkey and a bush, I’m sorry that is just not to my liking. And what do toes have to do with mistles, that’s what I’d like to know. Zanex, anyone?
And just what does any of this have to do with The Green Envelope? Well, I’ll tell you what, because frankly and georgely, you have a right and a left to know. When I arrived home last night there was a Green Envelope in my mailbox. It was of a very easy to recognize shape, this Green Envelope was, and I knew instantly what The Green Envelope was. It was the handy-dandy Green Envelope used by the Writer’s Guild of America, the envelope in which they send out handy-dandy residuals. And this Green Envelope contained a very nice Christmas present from Dimension Films, for the motion picture called The Faculty. I was so happy that I danced the Hora and the Frug at the same time (the Horafrug).
Well, I must go off and protect my nuts from being sued or gwendolyned, and I recommend that you all do the same. If your nuts have already been sued or gwendolyned, then I recommend that you countersue or countergwendolyn the nuts that sued or gwendolyned you in the first place. We simply cannot allow too many Nut Cases to have their nutty ways, can we?