Here is the second of our handy-dandy updates. The spaghetti sauce is fab, the noodles are a’cookin’, the tuna noodle salad is yummy and all is in readiment for that wonderful time when the guests arrive. There are ham chunks and cheese slices galore and a plentiful supply of Diet Coke. Now, if only some guests would arrive so I can eat.
Here is the first of our handy-dandy updates. Gelson’s Market was a madhouse. No parking spaces, crazed shoppers. Why does everyone insist on waiting until the last possible minute to do their market shopping? They do, though, and then they descend like vultures over a rotting carcass in the dessert. Ooh, that was a piquant image, wasn’t it? However, I can’t be angry, since I waited until the last possible minute to do my market shopping, although I thought about doing it yesterday, if that counts for anything. Anyway, I survived the vultures and got the hell out of there in a half hour. I’ve made the tuna and noodle salad, and I’ve prepared the spaghetti sauce, which must now simmer for many hours. Hopefully some people will come over. I do this “do” every year and every year I forget to call people to invite them until the day of the “do”. Isn’t that brilliant? Anyway, more updates to come.
Well, dear readers, not that anyone is counting, but here we are, only one day before Christmas. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, as of midnight it will officially be Christmas day and we shall awaken and open our presents and eat fried eggs and fatty breakfast meats and watch the Christmas day parade. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, or even, for that matter, afoot of ourselves. Today is the day before Christmas, which means that tonight is Christmas Eve. I wonder how Eve feels about having an entire night dedicated to her, Christmastime-wise? I will be updating these here notes throughout the day, as I prepare for my Christmas do. The updates will appear right here where you’re currently reading, and what you’re currently reading will simply move down and this page will become unseemingly long and I shall be bitch-slapped by the errant and truant Mr. Mark Bakalor, who apparently has better things to do than hang around with the likes of us.
Before we all click on the Unseemly Button below, let me congratulate our first Unseemly Trivia Contest winner – the first one to guess the correct answer, and our High Winner. There were many subsequent people who guessed correctly, too, and they will be mentioned here as well. What we have gleaned from our first Unseemly Trivia Contest is that the question was too damned easy, so Mr. David Levy has promised me that next week’s question will be a corker, whatever the hell that is. And so, without further ado – our High Winner is: J.M. Kauffman. Mr. Kauffman has won a special handy-dandy prize which will be sent to him without further ado as soon as he e-mails his address. Our subsequent winners were: Paul Fairie, Anita Newton, jc, William Lurie, Michael Shayne and Jed. Congratulations to one and all and also all and one. The answer to the trivia question can be found by going to the end of yesterday’s notes. There it sits like yesterday’s mashed potatoes. And, if you missed this weekend’s notes, I heartily recommend you use the Unseemly Archive Button above to read them immediately, as we had a good deal of pithy fun at many people’s expense. Once you errant and truant dear readers are through perusing this weekend’s notes, you may click on the Unseemly Button below and off you will go, whisked to a magic land of dates and figs. The rest of us may click without further ado.
Speaking of “ado”, I’m having a do this very Christmas Eve. I must soon go to my beloved Gelson’s and shop for tonight’s do. I have many things to buy – many ingredients for my special spaghetti, my tuna and noodle salad – as well as various and sundried nutmeats and festive cookies and sweets. Of course, I already have my usual plentiful supply of cheese slices and ham chunks. Don’t forget, if you live in the Los Angeles area and want to stop by and meet and eat, drop me a line as soon as you can.
A flying bug just landed on my computer screen. I believe they call this flying bug a gnat. What is this gnat doing in my very own home flying about like some wanton slut? Not only is it flying about like some wanton slut, but it has the temerity to land on my computer screen like so much fish. That is so bold. I don’t even know this gnat, and yet this gnat thinks it’s king of my computer screen. It just lands there without so much as a by-your-leave, whatever the hell that is. I do hope the Gnat King is not around when I put out the cole slaw, because then we’ll have Gnat King Cole Slaw, and if there are two other gnats who aid and abet the Gnat King, we’ll have the Gnat King Cole Slaw Trio. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the gnat who is flying about like some wanton slut. Of course, if the gnat is Chinese, then it’s flying about like some wonton slut. But enough about the flying gnat, who has flown off wantonly and wontonly, to find other things to land on and to search for the meaning of why someone stuck a useless “g” on its name.
If you haven’t tuned in to The Broadway Radio Show yet, do so, because it’s Donald Feltham’s special Christmas show and it’s a doozy. Lots of your favorite Broadway singers singing lots of your favorite Christmas songs – it is quite festive and you will be of good cheer when you hear it. Simply click on the Unseemly Broadway Radio Show thing over there and you will be whisked away to a magical radio world.
Dear reader Craig Brockman had a handy-dandy birthday yesterday, as did my very own brother, Joel. Yes, you heard it here dear readers, I have a very own brother, Joel. To avoid confusion, it is not the same Joel who is a former actor and writer. That is a whole other Joel. When I was growing up and going to grammar school, for one semester there was another Bruce Kimmel in my school, and that bad boy was a little troublemaker and I would sometimes get blamed for his various and sundried misdeeds. Luckily, he moved away, that bad boy. I, of course, never made trouble and was a little angel, except for little incident with the elevator.
Oh, did you think I was going to tell you about the little incident with the elevator? Perhaps I will tell you about that little incident with the elevator, but not on the day before Christmas. That would be unseemly.
Oh, very well. When I was but a sprig of a twig of a tad of a youth, there was a three story building on a street near my house. My friend and I used to go in there and ride the elevator up and down and down and up. For some reason lost to time, we thought that was a barrel of fun. Up and down we would ride, to no purpose whatsoever. One day we made an interesting discovery. We found the “Stop” button – the button which would stop the elevator no matter where you were. Well, that was just too much fun that “Stop” button was. We’d get in the elevator, push the “2” button and start going up to the second floor. As soon as the elevator started going up, we’d pull the “Stop” button and the elevator would stop between floors. We’d then open the doors, jump down to the first floor lobby (not very far) and leave the elevator there between floors. Oh, that was fun. We laughed and laughed at the thought of someone going in the building and seeing the elevator doors open and the elevator half way up to another floor. That was so funny. In any case, we were never caught doing the elevator trick – but other than that, I never made trouble and was a little angel. Other than the little incident at Kelbo’s Restaurant.
Well, dear readers, I must away to buy ingredients and nutmeats and festive cookies because there is much preperation to be done and in order to do the preperation one must be properly prepared. Check back periodically and also semi-colonally for the latest updates. Perhaps I’ll even talk about the little incident of the girdle.