Well, dear readers, I am happy to report that The Case of the Smashed Fingernail by Erle Stanley Gardner, is finally at an end. The old bad blackened fingernail is no more, and a new unsmashed fingernail is taking its place, and I can once again hold my head up high. Yes, I’ve got a goal again, I’ve got a drive again, I can feel my heart coming alive again, because the old nail has passed by. Well, that was Jerry Hermanesque, wasn’t it? I am so happy to not have a black fingernail anymore. It was my pinkie, and frankly it made me look like a middle-aged drug dealer.
Last night we had a very long meeting for the Julius Wechter benefit that I’m directing. It’s going to be a whiz-bang of a show, I think, with loads of great talent and some pretty cool surprises. I’ve hired a terrific stage manager and set designer, and David Wechter is arranging all the video aspects of the show, which will include slides and some incredible video footage (he’s also writing the script, and producing the event with mom Cissy and brother Jerry). They told us that we should arrive at Cissy’s house at 6:30 for a light repast, so we could start at 7:00 sharp. Well, light repast my Aunt Fanny’s eyeballs. There was home made pea soup, there was salad, there was asparagi, there was a cheese souflee, there was garlic chicken. It was a veritible feast this light repast. And, of course, we took a break from the meeting to eat the ice cream cake. I had to be wheeled to my automobile. In any case, if any of you dear readers in the Los Angeles area and environs are interested in attending, do send me your addresses and I’ll make sure you get on the priority flyer list. I think tickets are going to go very fast indeed. As I’ve said, it’s April 28th at the Alex Theater in Glendale.
“My Aunt Fanny’s eyeballs”??? Sometimes not even I know where these things come from. They just appear like so much fish and I look at the words in wonderment and horror, just as you do. In fact, I like “My Aunt Fanny’s Eyeballs” so much that I’ve made it the title of today’s notes. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, “My Aunt Fanny’s Eyeballs” has usurped the original title of these here notes. It has usurped them and that is that. When something is usurped it’s usurped, you can’t unusurp something, because a) it can’t be done and b) it would be unseemly. Speaking of unseemly, isn’t it time we all click on that damnable Unseemly Button below.
Well, you won’t believe it, dear readers, but I have found a song called My Aunt Fanny’s Eyeballs.
MY AUNT FANNY’S EYEBALLS Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
My Aunt Fanny’s nose is so cute and dear,
My Aunt Fanny’s ears? Well, they’re a little queer,
Her mouth – divine
Her teeth – so fine
Her chin is sweet, her brow is neat
Her cheeks are red just like a beet
But my Aunt Fanny’s eyeballs are the thing that you must see
She takes them out and juggles them, and puts them in her tea
Because sometimes my Aunt Fanny and her eyeballs disagree
She’s funny that way
So silly – so gay
It goes on, of course, but you get the drift. I really like the songs of Meltz and Ernest. Perhaps another day, we’ll take a gander at some of their other ditties. Their specialty were novelty songs and they wrote some great ones, like For All the Tea in China I’d Have Coffee in Nepal, and the bouncy and infectious Put Me In a Straightcoat Baby ‘Cause I’m Crazy About You.
One of my all-time favorite musicals is The Most Happy Fella, by Mr. Frank Loesser. I just love everything about this show. I love the score, which is filled with one fantastic tune after another, and I love the way it wears its heart on its sleeve. It’s certainly not a conventional fifties love story, is it? A vineyard owner, Tony, a big gregarious jolly man, sees a waitress he likes. He leaves her a gift and he asks her to come to Napa Valley to marry him. He sends her his photo, and since he looks pretty good, she goes. Only it’s not his photo, it’s his forman Joey’s photo. When she finds out, she’s about to leave, but Tony has an accident – she stays, marries him, but is so upset she sleeps with Joey. She, of course, gets pregnant. It all ends very movingly and happily (the source material is Sidney Kinglsley’s They Knew What They Wanted). I saw a production of this show as a teenager, at one of those theater-in-the-round places that proliferated in the sixties (and which I miss). Amazingly, the stars of this production were Robert Weede as Tony and Art Lund as Joey, both of whom had created their roles on Broadway. It was, in a word, brilliant. Seeing Mr. Weede was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had in my life – he sang it incredibly and his acting was unbelievably affecting. No one sings Joey, Joey, Joey like Mr. Lund, so it was a double treat. I went to the matinee on closing day and three amazing things happened: One, the audience gave a standing ovation after My Heart Is So Full of You (the first time I’d ever seen that happen – a standing O after a musical number). Second, I had the chutzpah to go backstage and ask to meet Mr. Weede. And Mr. Weede was kind enough to see me, and he was the sweetest and nicest man you could ever hope to meet. Third, he arranged for me to see that evening’s final performance and he invited me to the cast party afterwards. Was I in heaven? Yes. Have I ever forgotten that kindness? Obviously not. Anyway, if you’ve never heard this score, you must buy it immediately, if not sooner. It is one of the glories of the American musical theater – Standin’ On The Corner, Joey, Joey, Joey, My Heart Is So Full of You, Don’t Cry, Mama, Mama, Song of a Summer Night, well, I’m getting all weepy just thinking about it and I shall now have to go listen to that wonderful cast album (starring Mr. Weede, of course) right this very minute.
What am I, Ken Mandelbaum all of a sudden? Well, dear readers, the day is waiting for me and I must go greet it. I suggest you do the same, but only after listening to some more of the songs from Meltz and Ernest. I think there’s a Greatest Hits album floating around somewhere – I think the title is My Aunt Fanny’s Eyeballs: The Classic Songs of Meltz and Ernest. It’s quite rare, however, and very hard to find. Perhaps it will show up on eBay one of these fine days.