Well, dear readers, as you know, I have been trying to get back to being buff and toned with abs and buns of steel. I think I need to change the way I am doing this. For example, thus far I have been trying to get buff and toned with abs and buns of steel by sitting at my handy-dandy computer or sitting on my couch like so much fish trying to catch up on DVD watching. Or, I have been running around attending rehearsals for the upcoming Tourette’s Syndrome benefit. I have been trying to not overeat so I can remain svelte and so I can still fasten my handy-dandy pants. This week, I have been very very good, eating-wise. However, last night, whilst watching some new handy-dandy DVDs I began to have a craving. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, whilst watching new DVDs I began to have a craving. All I’d eaten all day was a House Chopped Salad (with a little oil and a lot of vinegar) and two small pieces of rye bread from Jerry’s Handy-Dandy Deli. Already I was starting to feel more svelte, and as I looked in the mirror I thought, my goodness I am looking a bit more buff and toned with abs and buns of steel. And then the craving began. When I get a craving it is very difficult for me not to satisfy it. I tried, oh yes, I tried. I tried for five minutes and then I got in my handy-dandy car, drove to handy-dandy Baskin-Robbins, where I had two count them two handy-dandy scoops of ice cream. I took them home and ate them and then my craving was satisfied.
I looked in the mirror and I was no longer buff and toned with abs and buns of steel, I was like an urn of lumpen gravy. “An urn of lumpen gravy”? An urn of lumpen gravy? What in the name of Cecil Kellaway is an urn of lumpen gravy? That is just too outre for even me. What is the thing that you put lumpen gravy in? It’s not an urn, for heaven’s sake. It’s that thing. That thing you put lumpen gravy in. Why can’t I remember the name of that thing you put lumpen gravy in. A pitcher? Is it a pitcher? A lumpen gravy pitcher? Oh, I hate when I can’t remember Simple Little Things, like the name of the thing you put lumpen gravy in. That is a real pet peeve of mine. I have several pet peeves. They are so cute, so furry and lovable and my peeves don’t even do their business in the house. Do you have any pet peeves? They’re very loyal, you know, they stay with you through thick and through thin these pet peeves do. What the hell am I talking about? Pet peeves? Urns of gravy? Where did I make a wrong turn. I can’t even remember what I was talking about. Oh, yes, my craving and how I satisfied it.
In any case, there I was, craving satisfied, when I began to have another craving. After all, I’d only eaten a House Chopped Salad, two pieces of rye bread and two scoops of ice cream. That didn’t seem like all that much food. But I was determined not to satisfy this new craving because it seemed unseemly to satisfy two cravings in one evening. I was determined for about five minutes, then I got in my car and drove over to Jerry’s Deli (from whence my House Chopped Salad had come) where I got some French Fries and Ranch Dressing to go. I brought them home and ate them all up. They were quite delicious. I then looked in the mirror and I’d begun to resemble not an urn of lumpen gravy, but a vat of lumpen gravy. Oh, well, I suppose one must give in to these occasional cravings. Today I shall have no occasional craving and I will eat only a small amount so that I don’t resemble an urn or vat of lumpen gravy.
My that was an exciting tale of occasional cravings, wasn’t it? It had everything: drama, urns and vats of lumpen gravy and adorable pet peeves. I don’t know that there’s anything else to do at this point, other than click on the Unseemly Button below.
I met one of our very own dear readers yesterday, Mr. JMK (aka Jeffrey Kauffman), who was vacationing right here in Los Angeles, California. It’s always fun to put faces with names. There’s nothing worse than a name walking around like a piece of whitefish without a face. Conversely, there’s nothing worse than a face walking around without a name. Now Mr. Kauffman has both face and name and all is well with the name/face world. We had a lovely conversation and discussed many interesting topics. Mr. Kauffman is quite an authority on that wonderful actress, Miss Francis Farmer, and is working on a project about her. He showed me some of his songs, which were quite nice. By the way, we’re going to devote an upcoming radio show to new and undiscovered songs, so if you have material to submit, please do so. I’ve gotten several tapes already, and discovered some really nice things. In any case, it was lovely to meet JMK, and if any of our other dear readers are in Los Angeles or environs, be sure to let me know and we can put faces with names. Just to set the record straight (I hate when my records are crooked, don’t you?), when the waitress came to our table, Mr. Kauffman did try to order ham chunks and cheese slices. The waitress looked at him as if he were a piece of head cheese – but that is what happens when waitresses aren’t in the loop. That’s what happens when waitresses aren’t in the know.
Well, I know what you’re all waiting for. Yes, today is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest in which you can win a sparkling prize if you are the Highest Winner. Or get your name mentioned if you are a High Winner. But as I say ad nauseum, you can’t be a Highest Winner if you don’t play the game. So make a guess, take a chance, take a flyer, take a pamphlet, take anything but play the fershluganah game. And remember, send me you answers by using the handy-dandy “Ask Bruce” link – do not post them to the site because other dear readers turn ugly when someone does that and I cannot guarantee your safety. Here is this week’s Unseemly Trivia Contest question:
Book. Play. Movie. Musical. Musical movie. Television series. Name the property I’m talking about, and name the Tony award-winning star of the television series. Good luck to one and all and also all and one.
With all the high profile passings this week, very little mention has been made of someone else who passed away. One of the greatest film production designers who ever lived, Mr. Richard Sylbert – he of Chinatown, Rosemary’s Baby, The Graduate, Shampoo, Dick Tracy, Reds, The Cotton Club, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Long Day’s Journey Into Night and many other classic films. I mention Mr. Sylbert quite a bit in The First Nudie Musical documentary, because he was running Paramount Studios when they bought the film. I thought he was an extremely nice man, very warm, very supportive, but doing a job he was not really suited for. But as a production designer he was unparallelled.
Well, these here notes have gone on long enough, I’m afraid. Too long notes are unseemly and are a pet peeve of mine. Too long notes are like an urn of lumpen gravy, frankly, and we simply can’t have that here at haineshisway.com. These notes must be svelte, these notes must be buff and toned with abs and buns of steel. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite goose-bump inducing moments in musicals you’ve seen (not just heard on disc). I’ll start: The opening number of the original production of Cabaret; John McMartin seemingly “going up” on his lyrics in Follies (he did this so brilliantly that you really thought he’d forgotten his words – it really was goose-bump inducing); Jennifer Holiday wailing And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going in Dreamgirls; Elaine Stritch singing The Ladies Who Lunch in Company; the Finale of 1776; The Music and The Mirror as done by Miss McKechnie; and most of all, the entire performance of Mr. Robert Weede in The Most Happy Fella. Your turn.