Well, dear readers, I am sitting here at my handy-dandy laptop computer without a thought in my head, other than, “What the hell am I going to write about today?” Oh, I suppose there are other thoughts in my head like, “Why do fools fall in love?” and “who invented the word ‘mulch’?”, but they are few and far between. Or should that be they are far and few between? Has anyone noticed that I don’t appear to have a thought in my head?
May I just say, dear readers, that I hate spam. In addition to my handy-dandy laptop computer, I also have the internet service formerly known as Web TV. And every time I check my e-mail on Web TV, I have spam. Now, if it were one or two pieces of spam, okay, fine, I delete and move on. But it’s thirty pieces of spam at a time. First of all, do these ignoramuses who spam think that anyone reads this crap, and even if they read it, do these ignoramuses really get any response? Do people really order Viagra over the internet? Do men and women really take advantage of the opportunity to have a seventeen-inch tallywhacker (don’t answer that)? Do people really visit websites like Women In The Barnyard? And, of course, if you click on the thing that says you will be taken off any future mailings, you are immediately put on fourteen other lists. I know there are now things like spamcop, but who has the time to forward thirty pieces of spam to them? Furthermore, these cretins are very clever sometimes – in other words, I can mass delete spam, but some of the headers imply that the e-mail is from someone you know. That is one of their heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) ploys. We need to round up these spammers and we need to make each and every one of them eat nineteen cans of Spam. That would teach these wazoos a thing or two. That would give them their comeuppance. Especially those who send that spam that isn’t even written in English. It’s written in that gobbledegook that isn’t even a language as far as I can tell. That’s brilliant. I’ll order that, whatever the hell it is. It would be wonderful if we could spam the spammers, give them a taste of their own medicine, but these people are devious, they are foxy, and there is no way to do that. People who spam are simply slime in my book (Chapter 11 – The Spamming Slime). Interestingly, here on aol, I have three different e-mail addresses, but only one of them gets spam. The other two don’t get spam. Now wait just a darn minute. I’ll be right back.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it (that is three I knew its). The great Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest wrote a song about spam (it’s one of their latest – yes, they’re quite old but still alive and writing – in fact, we’re going to have an interview with them very soon). Quick, let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can read it.
Here it is – it’s a very angry song with a driving rhythm which, frankly, I prefer to songs with a walking rhythm or even a biking rhythm.
DIE, SPAMMERS, DIE Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
Every day I check my e-mail,
I’m excited when I see mail
And I wonder who has written me that day.
Is it Charles or Bill or Nancy
Is it prose from Rose that’s fancy
And I just can’t wait to see what they have to say.
So I open them and blam!
Is it e-mail? No, it’s spam!
Oh,
When I see a piece of spam,
I just want to kill.
There’s so much spam here every day
It really makes me ill.
I think we should take the spammer
Throw them right into the slammer
I think we should really nail them
Call them creeps and then e-mail them
Spam.
Nothing but spam.
Yards of spam.
That’s the only way to reach scum
That’s the only way to teach scum
Die, spammers, die!
That’s what I’m saying.
Die, spammers, die!
There’s no delaying
You are gonna have to pay
For all the spams you sent.
Stop the spamming right away
You’re only chance is to repent!
Or
Die, spammers, die!
We’re gonna get you
Die, spammers, die
We’re gonna let you
Rot away until you know
That sending spam is bad!
When the world is free of spam
That’s the day that I’ll be glad
Oh
Die, spammers, die
Why, spammers, why?
The whole world thinks you’re really crummy
Mend your ways, don’t be a dummy!
I’d walk a million miles if there were no piles
Of spammy…
Kiss every single spam goodbye
Or
Die, spammers, die
We really mean it
Die, spammers, die
No, we’re not kidding
Die
Spammers
Die!
My goodness that is a fine spam song, isn’t it? May I go out on a limb and say that it might just be the finest spam song ever written?
Well, you all know what today is. Today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest. Let’s see just how much useless trivia you know. Please remember to not post your answers on the site – use the unseemly Ask Bruce button to e-mail me your answers.
This week’s Unseemly Trivia Question is: Since 1993, I have produced approximately 130 albums, many of which have had multiple artists on them. Two of the singers I have used frequently have been married to the same person. This is, as far as I know, the only time that has happened. Name the two singers, the person they were/are married to, and the show connection between the singer who’s currently married to the person, and the other person whom the other singer subsequently married.
Well, if that isn’t the most obtuse trivia question ever, I don’t know what. For a tie-breaker or, if no one gets an answer to the above, we have one more brain teaser: I once sang on one of my albums using a pseudonym. Name the album and identify the song and pseudonym. Clue: It’s not what you’re thinking and it’s not on a cast album. Good luck to one and all and also all and one.
Well, I really must be on my way – I have things to do, places to go, people to see. But I shall be back tomorrow with more jottings, and hopefully I will have a thought in my head.