Well, dear readers, this really takes the cake. A shame really, since I really wanted some cake – “this” is always taking the fershluganah cake and let me tell you, “this” doesn’t need to eat any more cake because frankly “this” is getting as fat as “that”. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, this really takes the cake. Someone posted on a message board a link to an article in a London paper that said Liza and her brand spanking new husband Mr. David Gest were victims of a truly scary mugging in London yesterday. What is truly scary is that anyone believes this tripe. The publicity wheels are a’turnin’, dear readers, make no mistake about it. At no time in this article does anyone mention a little something called “police”. Apparently, the “police” were not involved in any way, shape or form. Usually if there is an attempted mugging, one informs the “police”, yes? Here’s what apparently happened, according to this “newspaper” or whatever the hell it is: Liza and her radiant new husband were in a Mercedes Benz limosine (notice how they get that little detail in the story immediately). They were at a stop sign. At that point, three “black boys” (according to this story, that is how Miss Liza Minnelli described the assailants) noticed that Miss Liza Minnelli was wearing an expensive bejeweled necklace. They noticed it because they saw it glinting in the light through a partially opened window in the limo. They then rushed to the limo, and one of the boys tried to stick his hand through the partially opened window to grab the necklace. When that didn’t work, he tried the door, which was presumably locked. At some point when the assailants hand was in the window, the quick-thinking limo driver tried to raise the window and trap the boy. This didn’t work, however. The limo driver then sped off, leaving the three “black boys” to go on their merry way. All this happened while they were stopped at a light in front or near a tube station. I do believe that people frequent tube stations, yes? No mention of other people in this story.
Now, they saw the necklace glinting in the light through a partially opened window in a black limosine? Right. And then they just walked up and thrust a hand through the half-opened window? Right. And Miss Minnelli just happened to be sitting right next to that open window? Right. And then they gave this story to the press but not the police? Right. Of course, the fact that the person who posted this story believed it is the most unbelievable thing of all. The most important detail in the story, however, was that Miss Liza Minnelli and her radiant husband, Mr. David Gest, had been out the night before until the wee hours of the morning. They’d then come back to their one thousand pound a night hotel suite (yes, they gave the cost) and told their butler not to awaken them one minute before three-twenty in the afternoon. Their butler! The article is accompanied by a photo of Miss Judy Gar…, oops, sorry, Miss Liza Minnelli (she really is doing herself up just like Mum now) and her radiant husband, Mr. David Gest. For those who do believe the story, I have some toe nail clippings that I will sell you – they’re really valuable, too.
I spent most of yesterday consolidating the notes of my three proofers. An endless ordeal – I then typed them all up, and also red-marked the galley – I do hope this is the final go-through, although I do get one more chance to fix anything after they do these fixes and send me one more galley. I really thought we’d caught mostly everything the last go-round, but we found an amazing amount of small things (plus the errors that the publisher somehow made in formatting it – mistakes which are correct in the manuscript they were sent – how those things happen I have no idea). In any case, we’re definitely in the final stages and soon I trust we can put the thing to bed and then all of you can read it.
Well, I see that it’s time to click on that Unseemly Button before someone notices my bejeweled necklace glinting in the light and tries to thrust their hand through the partially opened window of my black Merceds Benz limosine which I use when I’m not in my thousand pound hotel suite not being awakened by my butler.
I had some more laserdiscs transfered to DVD, including one of my all-time favorite film noirs, Fritz Lang’s The Woman in the Window, starring Mr. Edward G. Robinson and Miss Joan Bennett, with able assist from Dan Duryea and Raymond Massey. What a great movie – very moody and nightmarish, with terrific performances by all. Funnily, when I read Mr. Ira Levin’s sequel to Rosemary’s Baby, Son of Rosemary (I’m probably one of the few who enjoyed it), he mentions The Woman in the Window in the book, early on, and I sat there thinking, why? Why of all movies mention that one? When I got to the end of the book I realized I should have known why. To understand what I’m talking about, see the movie and read the book. Isn’t that enigmatic? Oh, by the way, one of our dear readers asked if the macaroni and cheese at Dalt’s was as good as the macaroni and cheese at Musso and Frank. Well, they are totally different animals. For example, the macaroni and cheese at Dalt’s is a zebra, while the macaroni and cheese at Musso and Frank is an elephant. No, the two macaroni and cheeses could not be more different – the Musso and Frank macaroni and cheese is in the classic mold, whilst the Dalt’s macaroni and cheese is in the Dalt’s mold – three cheeses over noodles that look more like penne pasta than macaroni pasta.
Don’t forget, tomorrow is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest, and Sunday Donald will be putting up a brand-spanking new radio show. I’m sure he’ll be around soon to tell us what’s in store. In the meantime, if you haven’t heard the current show with Miss Lisa Richard and myself, do tune in. I had dinner with our very own Vinnie Cirilli and his lovely girlfriend Miss Stefanie last night, and Vinnie and I are going to do one of these radio shows with Donald – and let me tell you that that show will be not only wild and wooly, it will also be wooly and wild.
Well, I must go finish red-lining the galley, then go off to a benefit rehearsal. I do hope that no uncouth interlopers notice my dazzling bejeweled necklace (in the shape of a crucifix) and try to mug me. That would bug me. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I get bugged when I’m mugged, and I also get mugged when I’m bugged. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite Bock and Harnick songs. I’ll start – the entire score to She Loves Me (especially Tonight at Eight, the title song and Dear Friend), Too Close for Comfort, Now I Have Everything and Tradition. Your turn.