Well, dear readers, it was a whole new production team responsible for the Oscars this year. Gone (mercifully) were the Debbie Allen dancers, gone were production numbers, gone was Bill Conti, gone were the cheesy sets, gone were the complete renditions of the nominated songs throughout the show. Yes, this was a new, streamlined Oscar show, so isn’t it funny that despite everything it was still maybe the longest Oscar show in history, clocking in at an astonishing four hours and twenty minutes? Certainly at that length it was one of the most yawn-inducing Oscarcasts ever. Very little of the weirdly sublime kookiness that one looks forward to on this show. After a time (probably the three hour mark) I began to yearn for Miss Debbie Allen’s dancers, just so I’d have something to scream about. I knew we were in trouble when the show opened with Mr. Tom Cruise. I like Mr. Tom Cruise as much as the next person, but I would not open an Oscarcast with him. That is just my opinion, of course. These days Whoopi seems to think she’s funnier than she actually is – although towards the end she finally got off a couple of good ones.
So, what were the highlights and lowlights? For me, there was one highlight and that was Mr. Woody Allen, who was terrific in his little segment, and it was great that he came out to do it. I like Mr. Robert Redford, so I enjoyed his segment, too. And Sidney Potier, who is very classy indeed, and who looks pretty damn swell at seventy-five years of age. And Mr. Randy Newman finally winning the Academy Award made the whole show worthwhile. His was the best acceptance speech of the evening. And even though they didn’t belong there, the marvelous Cirque du Soleil folks. Nathan Lane was amusing, too.
The lowlights? Where to start? Julia Roberts, who is fast becoming a blithering idiot and total goofball (“I got to kiss Sidney Potier…sorry, honey.” and then grabbing on to Denzel Washington as if she were going to shtup him right then and there). Gwynyth Paltrow’s dress (and the fact that she managed to look absolutely nothing like Gwynyth Paltrow). Having high-class actors, Donald Sutherland and Glenn Close as backstage announcers. Enya (enough already). And, excuse me for living, Halle Berry. Now, I say Halle Berry knowing full well I will be lambasted and yelled on by most. I know she was excited, I know she was touched, I know she was emotional… But she won an award for a performance in a film. She did not win an award because she’s a person of half-color. Was it historic? Sure. But to go on and on and on and on about it was too much. Others throughout the evening managed to be gracious and not over the top (and succinct), such as Mr. Denzel Washington. When she named her lawyer and then screamed at John Williams who, after five minutes, was probably raising his baton to throw at her, well, I began to scream at Miss Halle Berry to get off my television screen.
Oh, now I feel bad that I lambasted poor Halle Berry. After all, it was a momentous moment and she was so emotional and had to let it all out. I was sad that Mr. John Williams did not win for A.I., but happy for Howard Shore, even though I don’t like his score for Lord of the Rings. And I was happy for Miss Jennifer Connelly, an actress whose career I’ve been following since discovering her in Mr. Sergio Leone’s marvelous Once Upon a Time in America. In fact, unbeknownst to her, I was semi-responsible for her next job, Seven Minutes from Heaven. A producer, Fred Roos, was desperately looking for someone for that film, and after I saw Miss Connelly, I recommended that he run, run, run (that is three runs) to the Vogue Theater in Hollywood to see her. He did, and she got the part. In any case, let’s get to the dirt, the dish. But, in order to get to the dish and the dirt we must click the Unseemly Button below.
Now for the dish and the dirt, not necessarily in that order. First of all, Miss Jennifer Connelly seems to have had a breast reduction. Originally she had not small breasts (at the time of The Hot Spot, when said breasts were revealed to all who saw the film), but they were in proportion. By the time of Mulholland Drive (the first Mulhullond Drive, with Nick Nolte) her breasts had grown to mammoth proportions, they had become Killer Breasts. They were not in proportion. They wouldn’t have been in proportion if they’d belonged to Sophie Tucker. But last night, they seemed to have gotten back to their former size – she seems to have let the air out of them, and all to the good say I. Well, I mustn’t go on and on about breasts, because that is unseemly. What I can go on and on about is the amount of facial work I saw last night, most of it not on the women. Have men gone out of their minds? I saw way too much facial surgery on that stage last night, the bulk of it belonging to me who should know better. You see, when they show clips from films that are five or ten years old and people look ten years older than they do now, something is highly amiss, dear readers, something is highly awry. I’m going to leave it to you dear readers to point out which men had the plastic surgery, which men had the eyes done, and which men had the total face lifts. Post your unseemly thoughts below.
What am I, Mr. Blackwell? I’m so bitchy this morning. I’m ragging on everyone this morning. I did like the Kodak Theater, though. Of the post shows, as usual the greasy, oleagenous Roger Ebert was at his slimiest and most obnoxious. Could they find bigger dweebs to do these post-Oscar shows? Finally, put the damn Oscars back on Monday night.
Well, things are getting busy on the Tourette’s Syndrome benefit. Rehearsals are kicking into high gear (no mean feat). We’ve got quite a lineup of talent – for those who haven’t seen the list, it includes Nancy Sinatra, Herb Alpert, Nancy Dussault, Karen Morrow, Paul Kreppel, Paul Keith, David Naughton, David Rupprecht, Joan Ryan, Sally Kellerman, Sue Raney, Bill Dana (yes, Bill Dana, and let me tell you, you will be in for a treat), announcer Chuck Southcott, and several suprises. And, of course, a reunion of sorts for the Baja Marimba Band. I do hope some of our dear readers will be coming on April 28th, at the Alex Theater in Glendale. It’s going to be quite a show.
There’s still time to get your guesses in for our Unseemly Trivia Contest. If you missed the question, or any of the weekend notes, do click on the Unseemly Archive Button and you will be whisked away to what-you-missedland. The Susan Egan radio interview is up now, so do give it a listen if you missed it the first time around. There were a few distressed folks who somehow missed the Lisa Richard radio show (distressed people simply must visit our handy-dandy site daily and then they will no longer be distressed), so we will be rerunning that in the near future. In fact, the plan is to do a week’s worth of reruns at some point, a rerun show every two days, for the most requested ones. Won’t that be fun for those errant and truant folks who missed them the first time around?
Well, I hope I haven’t been too dishy or bitchy or nasty about the Academy Awards and those who attended same. I just call it as I see it, although sometimes I see it as I call it. I also ate a lot of pizza last night. My friends the Geissmans came over and we ate and ate and then we all looked quite beefy. We had pizza and then we had ice cream and then after they left I had even more pizza whilst watching Mr. Tom Cruise do sound bites on Barbara Walters. That’s what Miss Barbara Walters’ “in depth” interviews have become. The interviewees barely have time to get out a one-line response to her “in depth” questions. I was heartened to hear that Mr. Tom Cruise and Miss Nicole Kidman are friends, that Mr. Tom Cruise loves Penelope Cruz (actors – gotta love ’em), and that Mr. Tom Cruise is not gay (“I have two kids”, he said) and that he has successfully sued those who have inferred he was (“I have never lost a lawsuit”, said he, and I’m sure Mr. Tom Cruise would like to know that I have never lost a lawsuit either). He will not be suing me, because I have never for a moment thought Mr. Tom Cruise was gay. Or even half-gay. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but I call it as I see it and I see it as I call it.
Well, dear readers. I must be on my merry way. I must do the things I do. And as to you, dear readers, you do do that voodo that you do so well. Today’s topic of discussion – I’ve been waiting for this one: What are your favorite Jerome Kern songs? I’ll start, because I love and adore Mr. Jerome Kern: All the Things You Are, Look for the Silver Lining, Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man of Mine (one of the great tunes of all time), Pick Yourself Up (ditto), The Way You Look Tonight, Never Gonna Dance (listen to that music – it is just totally unique), Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, Long Ago and Far Away (amazing), The Folks who Live on the Hill, and I’m Old Fashioned. Your turn.