Well, dear readers, the reaction to the possibility of a Meltz and Ernest album has been overwhelming. Not merely whelming, mind you, no the response has been overwhelming. Well, the only thing one can do in the face of such an overwhelming response is to tell you dear readers that we are moving ahead with the Meltz and Ernest album in ernest. We have put it on the fast track, whatever the hell that means. Wait just a darned minute. “In the face of”? “Moving ahead”? What’s with all these body references? First of all, why would anyone want to move a head? And where would you move it to, Las Vegas? Your body would be wherever you are and your head would be in Las Vegas? Frankly, on the face of it, that is just too Samuel Beckett. And why “on the face of it”. Why not on the elbow of it. Did you ever think that “it” might not like us on “its” face? Did you ever think of that? Well, now, apparently my head is somewhere else and it’s not Las Vegas.
Isn’t it exciting? Our very own Meltz and Ernest album, and it will be available exclusively here at haineshisway.com. In case you don’t understand what that means, why it’s simple. You will only be able to purchase your Meltz and Ernest album here, not there and everywhere. In other words, we won’t tell you that you can only purchase it here, only to have it show up there and everywhere all of a sudden, like a chipmunk in an arctic snowstorm. No, that would be unseemly. When we say here we mean here and that is all there is to it. Perhaps we’ll try to have it ready by Cinco de Mayo, since one of the most famous of all Meltz and Ernest songs is “I Eat Mayo on Cinco de Mayo”. I’ll print the lyrics for that one tomorrow. I’d print them today but I must hurry along with these here notes because I am having a pedicure. All right, all right, stop your sniggering right this very minute. I have only had one pedicure and it was quite pleasant, so I thought it was about time I had another. But, for those people who think having a pedicure is for sissies, I’m also having a MANicure, because MANicures are manly. I think all Hainsies and Kimlets should have a pedicure as soon as possible. Then we can all sit around and admire our feet. And what is more fun than sitting around and admiring our feet? Well, one other thing we could do whilst admiring our feet is click on the Unseemly Button below. That would kill two birds with one stone, although, that said, I prefer killing one bird with two stones.
I went outside to kill the singing bird with two stones, but there it was, singing the score to Bravo, Giovanni and I just couldn’t do it. What the hell am I talking about?
I forgot to mention that Miss Lisa Richard sent me her brand spanking new CD, entitled Virgin Tracks, in which she sings songs that haven’t had truly released recordings before, by an interesting array of writers. It’s quite a lovely CD – Miss Richard is in beautiful voice throughout. As I’ve already told you, she does a song of mine and does it wonderfully. She wrote me last night and told me she’d gotten a nice note about the CD from Mr. Stephen Schwartz and that he singled out my song as one he was very taken with. Isn’t that nice? The whole thing is very well done and, in fact, it has the same kind of production values as one of my very own CDs. And, of course, it had to happen, but Miss Richard has included a “hidden track”. As people who have a few of my albums know, that is a concept I like very much indeed. Anyway, go by it.
I recently watched an advance copy of William Castle’s Homicidal on DVD. I love Homicidal. It was Mr. Castle’s attempt to either rip off or pay homage to Mr. Hitchcock’s Psycho, which came out the year before Homicidal. I had totally forgotten that Homicidal has a musical score by one of my favorite film composers, a film composer I feel has never gotten the due he deserves, Mr. Hugo Friedhofer. In fact, Mr. Friedhofer wrote one of the best score in the history of motion pictures, The Best Years of Our Lives. In any case, Mr. Castle’s Homicidal is splendid fun. The DVD is a peculiar thing. The back of the box says the usual Columbia/Tri Star stuff: Digitally Mastered Audio and Anamorphic video. It also says “includes full frame version of film”. When I see those two things, I assume there is a widescreen and full frame version on the DVD, as you can’t have anamorphic full screen. However, there is no widescreen anamorphic version to be found, at least I didn’t find it. Very disappointing. The transfer is gorgeous, too, so it’s even more of a shame. There’s too much head room in almost every shot, because rather than pan and scan, they simply opened up the 1:85:1 mat and give you the entire frame.
Well, I shall have to appreviate these notes, because my feet need to get moving (it is easier to move afoot than ahead) so they can have their very own pedicure. Now, I don’t really mean I’m going to abbreviate these here notes because then they’d look like this – I dn’t rly mean I’m gng to abbvt ths nts – and that would be unseemly. No, I mean I’m going to cut these here notes short, I’m going to stop them in their fast tracks, I’m going to halten zie notes.
Before I halten zie notes, I must tell you there are some very exciting potential things in the offing. Not in the oning, mind you, no, there are some very exciting potential things in the offing and you, dear readers, will know about said potential things in the offing as soon as the said potential things are in the oning, in other words, as soon as I know about said potential things, you’ll know about said potential things, because you loyal dear readers are in the loop in a way that no one else on the entire internet is. The Haines Loop, we call it, and anyone who is anyone needs to be in The Haines Loop.
We have a Highest Winner in our handy-dandy trivia contest, and several High Winners as well. The question was, what beloved theater composer was in another line of work, a line of work in which they were very successful, a line of work they were in, in fact, when their first New York show opened. Bonus points were available to those who guessed what that might have to do with me.
The answer is our very own Mr. Harvey Schmidt, who was a splendid commercial artist and painter prior to and during the period when The Fantasticks opened. Several people guessed that the connection to me in terms of his being a commercial artist was doing the covers for Colette Collage, I Do! I Do! and The Fantasticks in Jazz. All true, but it wasn’t what I was looking for. I was looking for an even more recent connection to me. And what is that connection to me? A Harvey Schmidt painting adorns the cover of my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer. If you click on that link you will be whisked away to Benjamin Kritzerland (is that near Switzerland?), and you can see Mr. Schmidt’s handiwork. It’s a wonderful painting, and tomorrow I will tell the story of how it came to be.
In any case, our High Winners are: Arnold M. Brockman, Jeffrey Kauffman, Robert Armin and Phil Crosby (who posted his answer on the site – a no no – always e-mail your answers to me by using the unseemly “ask Bruce” button. After putting all the names into an electronic hat, the electronic hat has decreed Mr. Phil Crosby our Highest Winner, which just goes to show you can do a no no and still get a yes yes. If Mr. Phil Crosby will e-mail me his handy-dandy address (don’t post it to the site) I will send him his special handy-dandy prize.
So much for cutting the notes short – these are regular size notes, to be sure. Today’s topic of discussion: What is your favorite dance number in a musical? I have many, but to get the topic going, I will say that my favorite would probably have to be Mr. Michael Bennett’s Turkey Lurkey Time. If that’s not what Broadway choreography and dancing are all about, I’ll eat my haineshisway.com hat.