Well, dear readers, this takes the cake, really it does. Of course, why is “this” taking the cake when “that” might want to take the cake? Maybe even I want to take the cake. “This” is always taking the fershluganah cake and I, for one, have had enough. Well, I haven’t really had enough, I haven’t had any of the cake because “this” has the cake and heaven only knows what “this” is doing with it. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, this really takes the cake. Yesterday, I was talking about the pounds that wouldn’t go away. And do you know who came and posted about it? Richard Simmons, that’s who. Just check yesterday’s notes by using our handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button and you will see it. At first, I thought it was a merry prank by one of our merry dear readers, but when I clicked on Mr. Simmons’ name I was taken to his handy-dandy Richard Simmons website. I suppose it still could be a merry prank but I choose to believe that Mr. Simmons came here and offered his advice because, frankly, I do not believe in merries, pranks or otherwise. Faeries I believe in, because I’ve seen them with my own eyes, and also with the eyes of my neighbor, who lent me his eyes one day just so I could find out if I could see the Faeries with someone else’s eyes. I hope Richard Simmons will come back often and perhaps he will lead us in written exercise once a day. In other words, he can post an exercise and we can all do it, whilst wearing our short shorts and oiling our bodies so that we look like we are sweating. Soon we will all be buff and toned with abs and buns of steel, and we will parade around our various neighborhoods wearing our cut-off jeans and tight t-s. Oh, we will look splendid and be the envy of all and all thanks to Richard Simmons coming here and posting.

I got a very exciting thing yesterday – while I was delivering some stuff to Image Entertainment, I managed to get an advance copy of Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: In Concert. I watched Act One last night and shall give you all my thoughts, but only if you give them back once you’ve digested them. But before we chew on my thoughts (one must chew on one’s thoughts if one wishes to digest one’s thoughts), perhaps we should all click on the Unseemly Button below, because Mr. Mark Bakalor has sent me fair warning that he has of late been in a bitch-slapping frenzy.

Do you think the Richard Simmons post was a merry prank? I do hope it wasn’t a merry prank, and it did come from an isp that has never been to the site, as least as far as I can tell. Where was I? Oh, yes, the Sweeney concert DVD.

First of all, I will say here and now and also now and here that I love Sweeney Todd. I saw it on Broadway soon after it opened and it was a magnificent experience. I then saw it in Los Angeles when it toured. It was less magnificent here, because I felt that George Hearn, good as he was, was a let-down after Len Cariou, who was simply and mind-bogglingly brilliant in the role. I also felt that the production was scaled down to an annoying extent, and I also felt that Angela Lansbury had by that time become too mannered and shticky in the role. I own the laserdisc of that production, which I rarely watch for the reasons stated above. I do listen to the OCR often. And I will say that I didn’t much care for the New York Philharmonic CD concert version (basically the same players as here), I found it harsh and shrill and I couldn’t even get all the way through it, frankly. So, I came to this DVD with much trepidation. But, so far it’s fairly enjoyable with some really excellent players. The sound is pretty astonishing – full bodied with a lot of workout for the rear channels. In fact, it will probably blow you away. The detail in the orchestra is fantastic, and Rob Fisher conducts beautifully. I don’t know if this score has ever sounded this good orchestrally. George Hearn is really good here, much better, in fact, than in the tour or on that other video. He’s really nailed it and made it his own. And he’s in great voice, too. I’ve read various reports on Patti Lupone’s Mrs. Lovett, some good, some not so good. I actually thought she was going to be great because The Worst Pies in London was so energetic and fun. But, as others have pointed out, her accent is all over the map and truly from hunger, and it just finally becomes too annoying. She sings the hell out of the score and she’s very funny, but so far she has none of Miss Lansbury’s ability to mine pathos from the role as well. Maybe that will be there in Act Two. The Johanna sings beautifully and Timothy Nolan, while not erasing the memory of the truly creepy performance of Edmund Lyndeck, is a superb Judge Turpin. Davis Gaines sings passionately as Anthony the Sailor and Vicki Clark is fun (haven’t seen Act Two yet) as the Beggar Woman. Neil Patrick Harris, while not the second-coming that I’ve been led to believe he was, was fine, if a little too self-aware, given the character he’s playing. The rest of the cast all sing excellently. Lonny Price’s direction is fine for a concert, but like all these things recently, it falls squarely between two worlds. They make some attempt at costuming, have a handful of props (while miming other props – which I find very annoying – one or the other, please), but the pace of it is really swift and that’s all to the good. I’ll have a followup report tomorrow on Act Two.

What am I, Ken Mandelbaum all of a sudden? Isn’t this supposed to be our Unseemly Trivia Contest day? I do believe it is, but perhaps I’ll play a merry prank on all of you and not do one. No, I wouldn’t do that because it would be unseemly and you would all pelt me with fruits and vegetables and maybe even a toasted muffin. In any case, here is this week’s handy-dandy trivia question, which I am making easier than the past few weeks so that we can have a fershluganah Highest Winner.

Here is the question:

Last week, we had a female performer who’d had a rock and roll hit. Name the male performer who was in two classic musicals, played professional baseball and had a rock and roll hit, and name the two classic musicals, the baseball team and the rock and roll hit. Good luck to one and all and also all and one. The winner, of course, will receive a sparkling prize.

Well, I must simply run, because today is cleaning lady day and she is glowering at me and about to come over here with a cleaning implement and do harmful things to my person. Don’t forget that we have a splendid radio show up, with the legendary Billy Barnes – if you haven’t heard it yet, do tune in; it’s really terrific and it’s two hours long and filled with great anecdotes from Billy, and tons of his fun songs. That show will be up for one more week, until Donald returns from his sojourn to New York, New York. Today’s topic of discussion: What was the first professional musical you saw and how did it affect you? I’ll start: Although I’d seen a production of Rosalie at the St. Louis Muny, I’m not going to count it, because it wasn’t really what I consider to be a real musical in the sense of musicals as I know and love them. So, the first professional musical I saw was the National Tour of The Unsinkable Molly Brown, here in Los Angeles at the Biltmore Theater. I can no longer remember why I even went, or what got me interested, but I do remember going downtown a week in advance of seeing it to buy the tickets (last row in the orchestra). My friend and I went (it was very expensive – like $2.80 or something) and took our seats a half-hour in advance. I pored over every page of the program – I really knew nothing whatsoever about the show, and hadn’t heard the cast album at that point. Finally, the house lights dimmed and the orchestra began the overture and I was hooked on musicals for life (I really miss overtures). Then Miss Tammy Grimes came on stage and I was totally captivated by both her and the show from then until the curtain came down at the end. A rather beefy Harve Presnell was great as Leadville Johnny Brown, and I loved the dancing, the choreography of Peter Gennaro. I left the theater humming I Ain’t Down Yet. I so wanted to go back and see it many more times, but who could afford the $2.80? It was a life-changer that show was. I do know it’s not a great musical (although I am very fond of the score), but it was my first and holds great importance for being the first. I bought the cast album on my way home and it never left my turntable for a year. Eventually I got to do the show at the fabled Bluth Brothers Theater in Culver City (run by Fred (Toby) Bluth and his brother Don – Don of course went on to be a legendary animation artist) – I played one of Molly’s brothers with the delectable Melody Santangelo (yes, Virginia, the sister of last week’s Violet Santangelo) as Molly. Your turn.

Well, dear readers, here we are, April has arrived and we are a’twitter with excitement. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, we are a’twitter with excitement because April is simply a time to be a’twitter with excitement. I know not why, it simply is. “I know not why, it simply is.” That is just a beautifully poetic sentence. Now wait just a darned minute here, that sentence sounds familiar all of a sudden. Excuse me for a moment.

I knew it! I Know Not Why, It Simply Is is a Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest song and it’s one of their most heartfelt and simplest. I must share it with you right this very minute.

I KNOW NOT WHY, IT SIMPLY IS Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

The snow is white,
My shoes are brown
And when I smile
I do not frown
I don’t say ‘hers’ when I mean ‘his’
I know not why, it simply is.

The world is round
Yet bread is square
And when I’m gone
I am not there.
If it is damp, my hair will frizz
I know not why, it simply is.

We cannot question,
Things simply are
Here’s my suggestion:
You can’t be near if you haven’t been far.

The truest thing
That I can say
Is when it’s night
It is not day
I always cry when I see Les Miz
I know not why
It simply is.

Well, there are just no words to say how lovely that song is and yet I’ve just written words so apparently there are words to say how lovely that song is. It’s got such universal truths, don’t you think?

All over the internet people are playing merry pranks, because today is April Fool’s Day. Well, we will not be playing merry pranks here at haineshisway.com because we find merry pranks unseemly and unworthy of our higher purpose. Yes, Virginia, we have a higher purpose and we leave merry pranks to others. Right now our higher purpose is to click on that fershluganah Unseemly Button below, because to not do so would be foolish and a merry prank.

Yesterday, I went to the Cinerama Dome to see E.T. Did you know that by simply inserting an “a” into ET you get “Eat”? And that is what we did prior to arriving at the Cinerama Dome to see E.T. We (the family Wechter and I) went to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles and had a light and healthy meal of Fried Chicken, waffles, grits, eggs, greens, potato salad, biscuits and gravy and chicken sausage. Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles is a tiny shack on Gower just above Sunset Blvd. (the street, not the film or musical) and I recommend it to one and all and also all and one because it is ever so tasty. After we finished our light and healthy meal, we went over to the Cinerama Dome to see E.T. E.T. premiered at the Cinerama Dome twenty years ago and I was at that premiere. They’ve been renovating the theater plus adding a complex behind it with a gaggle of additional theaters. This new complex is quite spiffy, very large, and has a book store and cafe in it. But the Cinerama Dome, at least to my eyes, seems essentially unchanged. New seats, of course, and a new screen, but otherwise it’s basically the same as it was. The interesting thing about the Cinerama Dome is that, despite its name, actual Cinerama has never been shown there. They are apparently going to show some three projector Cinerama there at some point, and I will go, but it won’t be truly Cinerama because the screen is not and has never been high enough in that theater.

In any case, revisiting E.T. was fun, and it remains the wonderful film it’s always been. There were very few dry eyes in the house by the end of it, let me tell you that. But, Mr. Spielberg, as is his wont, has tinkered with his rather perfect film and it is less perfect for the tinkering, at least in my opinion. He first did this with Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a film he has continued to tinker with over the years. And you know what – for all the tinkering, he has never improved upon the original version. Unfortunately, the only way you can see the original version anymore is if you own the Criterion laserdisc. At least with E.T. the upcoming DVD will apparently contain both original and tinkered versions. So, what has been tinkered with? Well, to start, several additional shots of E.T. himself have been inserted into the film – CGI shots, and frankly they don’t really add much. There are two scenes which have been put back into the film – the first (E.T. in a bathtub) is totally unnecessary and hurts the pacing of the film, and the second, Elliott’s mom out looking for him on Halloween is okay. They have also redone the two bike-flying scenes, and while the FX are better, I suppose, they’re also somehow not as thrilling. I don’t really know why, except that the additional movement they’ve put in (the bike dips deeper in the first sequence, and the kids are more animated in the second) isn’t as magical somehow. Or maybe it’s just that I’m so used to the original way. There is also some additional CGI effects added on to the spaceship which are silly and not needed. Part of the joy of the original film was that it was a very low budget picture for 1982 – when most normal budgeted films were coming in at twenty-five to thirty-five million dollars, E.T. cost an astonishing ten million dollars (which is why, no matter what the lists say, it will always be the most successful film ever). So, it wasn’t a film about effects or CGI or anything like that – it was the story and the way it was told. So why muck about with it? Would people stand still if they mucked about with The Wizard of Oz just to bring it more up to date for today’s audiences? The biggest tinkering is in the scene where the kids are being chased by the FBI and government people. In the original, they had guns. The guns have been digitally replaced by walkie-talkies, so that the FBI and government people are now aiming walkie-talkies and holding said walkie-talkies as if they were guns. Totally ludicrous. The fact is, the FBI would be carrying guns – and in the original version, Dee Wallace can be heard screaming, “No guns, they’re just children!”. Without the guns, the final series of jump cuts to Elliott and E.T. (just before they fly) make no sense – there is no threat. It’s just nonsensical. Certainly one can understand that it now makes Mr. Spielberg uncomfortable that the guns were in the scene, but I think that without them the scene loses much of its power.

Other than that, the film is a wonder. John Williams’ score is as breathtaking and beautiful as ever (if you want a real ear-opener, however, go listen to the final movement of Howard Hanson’s Romantic Symphony – it’s obviously what the entire last sequence was temp-tracked with, from the bike chase on, and you will be amazed just how close structurally and texturally Mr. Williams adheres to it). The cast is great, the script is great and Mr. Spielberg’s direction is great. Just keep him away from his own work. What’s next – a CGI shark?

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Don’t forget, there’s a brand spanking new radio show up right this very minute and Donald Feltham tells me it’s a lot of fun. By the way, Donald is very appreciative of all the wonderful comments you’ve been sending him or posting to the site. And so am I. I’ve always loved the idea of doing this type of radio show, and I’m thrilled it’s become so popular. In fact, I’m told it’s the most popular radio show of any kind that has ever aired anywhere. Oops, was that a merry prank? Don’t we have a higher purpose here? Also, there’s till time to get your trivia question guesses in.

Tonight I’ll be meeting and rehearsing with our Tourette’s Syndrome benefit hosts, Charlie Brill and Mitzi McCall to go over their material. They are a ton of fun and I’m sure there will be laughs galore and even a merry prank or two.

Well, it is time for me to greet the day, to jump in the shower, to do the things I do. Today I shall act foolish, I shall do these foolish things because they remind me of you. I shall romp and play and skip about like an insane life insurance salesman. I shall be giddy with foolishness because today is April Fool’s Day and to behave otherwise would be foolish. Let us all wallow in our foolishness, despite our higher purpose. Let us eat cheese slices and ham chunks and dance the Hora and cavort in our undergarments.

I loved seeing your choices for your favorite plays yesterday, some very unexpected indeed. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite Burton Lane songs? I’ll start: Too Late Now (gorgeous), How Are Things In Glocca Mora and Look To the Rainbow, In Our United State, Hurry, It’s Lovely Up Here, She Wasn’t You, What Did I Have That I Don’t Have? and on and on. Your turn.