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April 11, 2002:

THE NOBLE BARNES

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, last night I went over to Mr. Donald Feltham’s handy-dandy house and did next week’s radio show with the legendary songwriter, Mr. Billy Barnes. This is a must-listen show, especially for those of you who may not be familiar with his work. Billy is totally charming and has a very wicked sense of humor and has worked with mostly every famous diva who ever lived. His stories are priceless, and we cover his career from his college days to his famous LA and NY revues, to writing for Laugh-In and the Oscars, to the scads of special material he’s written for everyone from Carol Burnett to Carol Channing. It’ll be up on Sunday evening, so mark your calendars.

Well, well, well (that is three wells – does that call for an Orson or an H.G.?), today is answer day, the day in which I answer all your questions from yesterday. Well (that is one well and calls for nothing), not all your questions because some of your questions got answered yesterday by various and sundried dear readers. We must stop this heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) practice, otherwise I shall have no questions to answer and then I shall have to go into the corner and flog myself like Judge Turpin – I shall have to weep copious tears and eat a banana split and throw hot scalding coffee in my face like Lee Marvin does to poor Gloria Grahame in The Big Heat. I shall have to speak in tongues and I shall have to tongue in speaks and the whole thing will be very messy indeed. What the hell am I talking about? Speaking in tongues? That reminds me of an old Goon Show line: “Wait! I hear someone screaming in agony. Fortunately, I speak it fluently.”

Well, well (that is two wells – have we discovered oil yet?), I better begin answering your questions because even though some of them were answered yesterday, there are still many that were left to the likes of me and now the likes of me will answer them. But first, the likes of you will have to click on the likes of that Unseemly Button below.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

Anita asks: What are Donny and Marie really like?

Even though the temptation is to be a smart-alek, I must say they were terrific back then (and I’m sure now) – really nice, as was their whole family. First of all, they really treated their guest stars like gold, and made everyone feel right at home. After doing three episodes, they were calling me Brother Bruce. I ran into Donny about four years ago when I was recording something at Westlake Studios in West Hollywood. He remembered me right away and we had a nice reunion.

Laura asks: Do I still roll down staircases?

In order to understand what dear reader Laura is talking about, you’ll have to read my handy-dandy novel. But, the answer is, I believe the last time I rolled down a staircase was when I was working as an usher at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood in 1966. It was a film theater then, of course, and the entire time I worked there they only showed one film, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. After I’d seen it around forty times, I used to pass the time by rolling down the magnificent stairs of the Pantages (upstairs, in the balcony). I also began doing silent comedy bits when they made me stand at the bottom of the aisle at intermission (downstairs). You simply can’t make me stand at the bottom of the aisle at intermission in front of a thousand people and expect me not to do silent comedy. It started small, but by my third or fourth performance I had the entire audience downstairs laughing and not laughing softly. At every showing I would go further and they would laugh louder. I got away with this for about a week, and finally the manager heard all this laughter all the way across the lobby in her office, and she came running in to the theater to see what was going on. She got quite stern with me and told me I’d be fired if I ever did it again. Of course, I did it again, was fired, and for my final performance I went on the stage and took a bow.

td asks several questions which I’ll answer with several answers:

What books are currently on my bedstand/nightstand? None – I don’t keep books there. But the books that are in my den where I do read are: Writing with Hitchcock, a book about the great screenwriter, John Michael Hayes. A Lemony Snicket book, the first in his series, The Bad Beginning, and a new book by a first-time UK author, entitled A Child’s Guide To Murder by Chloe Hooper, which has gotten raves over there.

Do I prefer Americanized Roman Polanski to European Polanski? Well, since Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby are two of my favorite films of all-time, I’ll say Americanized (I presume that can count Repulsion, which is English). If I were producing a musical of Tess of the D’urbervilles (I would never be producing for the theater), who would I want as a composer, director, Tess and Angel Claire. My goodness, I have no idea. Someone young and gorgeous for Tess, of course. Composer? If only Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest were younger – but alas, they are not. So, maybe Maltby and Shire, especially given Shire’s film roots – he could really write some lush beautiful music.

William F. Orr asks the following: Bruce, you have been a stage actor, a television and film actor, a playwright, a composer and lyricist, a director, a film director and writer, a record producer, a recording artist, an internet columnist and a novelist. What’s next – don’t I ever feel like doing something new?

I look at that list and the word that comes to mind is: Focus. Although I have enjoyed doing each and every one of those things, I must say, and I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. Record producing was, up until the novel, certainly the most creatively rewarding thing on that list. As to “new”, I don’t know what else is left really? I could trim some bushes, I suppose, or become a brain surgeon (many people have asked me to become a brain surgeon over the years, but I have always been too busy) – but who knows what roads lie ahead? William also asks if I can name the other American director’s homage to Fellini’s 8 1/2 (along with Newley’s Hieronymous Merkin and Fosse’s All That Jazz) – but, of course, although there are two that come to mind: I think the one William is looking for is Paul Mazusky’s Alex in Wonderland, a film I would like to see again. But there’s also Woody Allen’s Stardust Memories.

Hapgood asks: Which is better – Rodgers and Hart or Rodgers and Hammerstein? And, name my five least favorite mainstream musicals.

Let’s see – I do love Rodgers and Hart, but I think I’ll give the edge to Mr. Hammerstein. As to my five least favorite mainstream musicals (by that I take it Hapgood means “hits”): Oklahoma! (I admire it, but haven’t enjoyed watching any of the many productions I’ve seen); Hair, Cats, Kismet (one responds to certain types of things and not to others – it’s all subjective, of course) and Call Me Madam (some nice songs, but fairly insufferable as a show).

Arnold M. Brockman asks: What book would I like to see made into a musical and who would I hire to write the score? What play would I like to see made into a musical and who would write the score, and what movie would I like to see made into a musical and who would write the score?

These are alway difficult for me to answer, but I’ll give it a go. But don’t go stealing my ideas, because two of them are quite brilliant. Book – I have always thought To Kill a Mockingbird would make a lovely musical and I, in fact, wrote one. Again, Maltby and Shire, or perhaps Flaherty and Ahrens would be good for that – or even better, if he were up to it, Claibe Richardson. Play – I’ve always thought it would be fun to musicalize Neil Simon’s The Sunshine Boys. Perhaps Jerry Herman for that one, or even Cy Coleman and David Zippel. Movie – that’s easy. I have for years been suggesting to various writers
the film Variety Lights, which was the first directorial effort of Mr. Fellini (he co-directed with Alberto Lattuada). It’s about a second-rate group of vaudeville performers who tour the provinces in Italy doing their little show. Great characters, great milieu (I’ve already figured out how to Americanize it, and have a great title, too) and I think there is a wonderfully entertaining show there. I’ve also wanted to do a stage version of The Court Jester for twenty years, and I actually went about trying to get the rights to it two years ago. I’d talked to Rob Marshall about doing it with Martin Short. We were all very excited. When I finally got hold of the rights holder, she told me that just a few weeks prior she’d gotten several calls about it from others who were interested in doing the same thing. Now, I’ve talked about this idea for years, and ironically I’d been talking about it quite regularly for about six months before mentioning it to Rob. Coinicidence? You tell me. Anyway, I got nauseated by the coincidence and dropped it. Of course, nothing has happened with it since, so who knows if anyone actually was able to get the rights.

Sandra asks: What are my feelings on custard-filled donuts and can I recommend some old movies for her friend Megan. I don’t love custard-filled donuts, but I do love anything with real whipped cream filling. As to old movies, where does one even begin: Sullivan’s Travels, Some Like It Hot, The Big Sleep, Casablanca, North by Northwest, Rear Window, Blonde Venus, and on and on.

Kerry asks who I would cast as Sugar in my Brent Barrett/Jason Graae production of Sugar. He mentions Jane Krakowski and yes, Virginia, she’d be terrific as Sugar, probably the best choice. Kerry also asks who Guy Haines replaced on Her Laughter in my Life. It would be unseemly of me to day – but I will tell you it was a Tony-nominated performer.

Craig asks: If I could invite any six guests (living, dead, fictional, cartoon) to a dinner party, who would they be, what would I serve, and what topics of conversation would I initiate? Oh, how do you choose such things? First off, I never invite dead, fictional or cartoon people to dinner parties, it’s just a rule I have. But, let’s see – I’d like James Thurber, Alfred Hitchcock, Leonard Bernstein, Robert Benchley, Preston Sturges and Billy Wilder. Wouldn’t that be lively? And if there were room, I’d invite Larry, Moe and Shemp. I would serve my famous Beef Strogonoff because it is the only thing I serve at dinner parties. Craig also asks if there was anything cut from my novel that I’d put back in a Special Edition? Nope, everything I want in is in. In fact, I wrote two additional chapters, but they felt redundant and unnecessary so I deleted them and the book is better for it. Craig also asks if I can share any of my favorite recipes: I think I’ll spare everyone. One additional question: Have I ever eaten at the original Pantry on Figueroa. More times than I’d like to admit to.

Mattso asks: Who was the guy who played Dick Davis in The First Nudie Musical and where is he these days? Even though someone answered who he is, I will answer again with some additional details. Dick Davis was played by Rene Hall. I’d written the character as a young white guy but simply could not find anyone who was either funny or interesting – and we saw a lot of people for that part. Rene was the orchestrator/musical director of the film, and one day we were in the studio prerecording the songs and I looked at him, with his cigarette hanging from his mouth and ashes all over his shirt and I thought, “Eureka, how perfect is he?”. And we cast him that very day. Rene died several years ago. He was a real character. I was never too thrilled with the charts for my songs (if I were making it today I’d have Todd Ellison and David Siegel doing the musical directing/orchestrating), but his performance is truly hilarious.

Lolita asks: What is Faith Prince really like? Very sweet, very funny and we’ve had a great time each time we’ve worked together. A real pro. Lolita also asks: If I could hang out with one actress of old who would it be? And what actor? I tend not to want to hang out with such people, but I certainly wouldn’t have minded spending a few days with Veronica Lake or Cary Grant or Joel McCrea or Marlene Dietrich. Lolita also asks if I could pick one film to have been in which would it be and what role? Well, certainly none of the classics, because I wouldn’t be nearly as good as the people who did them. Of more recent films, well, maybe The Goodbye Girl. Finally, Lolita asks how good do I look in my cut-off jeans. Really, really good, with my abs and buns of steel. I get lots of wolf-whistles when I am jogging in them.

Ron Pulliam asks why did Mr. Stephen Sondheim pass on doing a musical version of Sunset Blvd? I asked him about this once, because when I was doing Unsung Sondheim I tried to see if he had anything from it. He said it wasn’t really true, that it had never been a serious notion, and that he thought the only way it could work would be as an opera.

S. Woody White asks what are my favorite restaurants in LA: Well, Musso and Frank, Dan Tana’s, Du-Par’s, lots of places in the Farmer’s Market, the Apple Pan, Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, El Cholo – I know there are others but those are ones that come to mind.

Whew. Well, the likes of me have finally finished answering the questions. I do love your questions and they are always fun to try to answer and I hope I have done them justice. Today’s topic of discussion: Taking our cue from one of today’s questions – what book or play or film do you think would make a great musical and who would write the score? I’ve already answered so, your turn.

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