Well, dear readers, I am on a crash diet because in less than two weeks time I will be putting on my fancy shmancy suit and my fancy shmancy suit is feeling a bit tight right now. I hate when that happens. I mean, why should my fancy shmancy suit feel a bit tight right now? What have I done that it should feel tight, other than eat eggs benedict, chocolate blackout cake with whipped cream, prime rib, potatos, fried chicken – hmmmm, perhaps the answer lies in that spurious foodgroup. Well, I am laying off that kind of food, I am going nowhere near that kind of food, at least for the next twelve days. I will be eating only low-fat food from non-spurious foodgroups, because otherwise I simply shall not fit into my fancy shmancy suit and one simply looks unseemly in an ill-fitting fancy shmancy suit, especially when the fancy shmancy suit is too darn tight. Don’t you just hate ill-fitting suits of any kind? I know I do.
Why is it that I only like foods which are contained in that spurious foodgroup? It is a conundrum, to be sure. A spurious conundrum. Speaking of spurious, something in my waiting-to-be-taken-out handy-dandy trash bag has something that smells very spurious indeed. What could it be? Some remnant of the spurious foodgroup? Or maybe some envelope that contained something that smelled to high heaven, or even low hell. Well, come hell or high heaven low water, I will take that handy-dandy trash bag out and deposit it into the handy-dandy trashcan and once again my kitchen will smell sweet and clean and non-spurious. What the hell am I talking about?
Last night I watched a brand spanking new DVD entitled The Man Who Wasn’t There, a film by the brothers Coen. Before I tell you what I thought, may I just say that I am hog-tired of these idiots who write the copy on the back of the DVD? Have these people actually seen the film they’re writing about? Now wait just a minute here. “Hog-tired”? That can’t be right. I think it’s “hog-tied”. I think I inserted an unseemly “r” into an expression and made it a whole new expression. That may seem spurious to you, but I find it rather exciting. After all, hogs do get tired as well as tied. In fact they get tired of being tied, so it makes perfect sense. Where was I? Oh, yes, the idiots who write the copy on the back of the DVD packages. This copy promises a film full of “stunning revelations” and “delicious surprises” and wonderful twists. Why is it that every thriller or mystery now has to trumpet stunning revelations and delicious surprises. First of all, this particular film doesn’t really have either, unless you’ve never seen a film noir before. Anyway, I find that whole copy thing spurious, frankly. Here’s something else I find spurious: The fact that we now all have to click on that Unseemly Button below to continue.
Make no mistake about it, I have liked several of the brothers Coen’s films. When they get it right, they are deliriously strange and wacky and the films are uniquely theirs (Raising Arizona, Fargo, O, Brother, Where Art Thou?). But I also find many of their films misfires, where all their cutely artsy effects are too obvious, where their show-off movie savviness becomes the be-all and end-all of the film. I’m afraid I have to put The Man Who Wasn’t There into the latter category. I was simply as bored as the leading character seemed to be. One can’t fault the actors, who are all very good, even though I’m not a Billy Bob Thornton fan. And the film looks great in noirish black and white, courtesy of Roger Deakins. But they just don’t tell their story that well and it’s trussed up with unnecessary show-off camera moves which don’t really serve anything other than to call attention to themselves (and I am sick of these kinds of movies resorting to CGI effects – just shoot the damn film and tell me the damn story). Given yesterday’s topic of discussion, you all know that I’m a huge fan of films noir (so huge that I can’t comfortably fit into my fancy shmancy suit), so I really wanted to like this. But it just reeked of that smart-ass cleverness I don’t really like – as soon as a character named Dietrichson showed up I rolled my eyes heavenward and knew all was lost. The film was too long for its own good at 116 minutes. Most great films noir clock in at nice crisp running times. Anyway, I always give the Coens a shot because they’re always interesting in some way or another. The transfer looks swell, and the sound is fine, too.
What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Well, dear readers, this week’s Unseemly Trivia Contest had more players than ever before. We love that. The question was:
In the Tony Award-winning musical Nine, there were many wildly talented ladies in the Broadway company. But only one of them had a charted rock-and-roll single. She recorded it with a friend of hers under the names Lyme and Cybelle, and it reached #65. By the time of Nine, this performer was not only not called Cybelle, but she’d even change her real name. Name the performer as she was credited in Nine. Extra points to those who can name her partner, Lyme (he went on to have a successful rock career of his own). Extra extra points for those who can come up with her real name.
Every single person who played the contest got at least part of the question right – and yet, no one got all of the question right. However, since there were so many players who did good research, I am going to award a sparkling prize just for all the effort. Here are the answers to the question:
The charted rock-and-roll single was Follow Me, recorded by Lyme and Cybelle. Lyme was Warren Zevon. Cybelle was Violet Santangelo. Violet Santangelo moved to New York and began her theater career under a whole brand new name: Laura Kenyon, who is a wonderful performer, and who was most recently featured in the tour of Titanic. There seemed to be some confusion over yet another name – Tule Livingston, which she must have used at the time. However, her real name is most definitely Violet Santangelo. I know this, because I was friends with her way back in the mid-sixties when her record came out. I’d done shows with her sister, Melody Santangelo (featured in the film Newsies in a small role), and Vi actually appeared in a revue I concocted back then. She was known as Little Vi, because her mother was also named Violet (mum was Big Vi). In fact, the day that Follow Me had its first appearance on radio, we were all at their house and we all cheered as we heard it played for the first time. I’ve seen Vi, or Laura, several times in the last few years, and she’s a delight. She’s been working on a one-woman show for quite some time.
So, even though there was no Highest or even High Winners, I put into an electronic hat all of the players of the contest this week – and the winner of the sparkling prize is Mr. Thomas J. Guest from far-off Australia. So, if Mr. Guest will send us his handy-dandy address in Oz we will send him his sparkling prize.
Whatever is in that bag of trash is really smelling worse. Perhaps a racoon wandered into my home, had a heart attack and died whilst in that bag, because that is what it smells like.
Later today, I will be supping on foods from non-spurious foodgroups, such as salad and low-fat rice pudding. And after eating said pudding, I will be doing the Rice Pudding dance to work off whatever calories there were in my foods. The Rice Pudding dance is fun to do because of the raisin factor. The raisin factor – that sounds like a Robert Ludlam novel, doesn’t it? In any case, because of the raisin factor, the Rice Pudding dance is a load of fun, especially if you put a little whipped cream on your dancing person. Oh, what fun I shall have doing the Rice Pudding dance, and I recommend that each and every one of you join in. Then we can be known as The Rice Pudding Dancers – sort of like The June Taylor Dancers but with Rice Pudding instead of June Taylor.
My goodness, there is a spurious smell coming from that trash bag. I really must take it out right now and when I do I shall be The Man Who Wasn’t There. Today’s topic of discussion: Yesterday, we all chose our favorite films noir – today, let’s all choose our favoriter films comedy. I’ll start: Sullivan’s Travels, The Lady Eve, The Girl Can’t Help It, Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter, Duck Soup, Horse Feathers, Some Like It Hot, The Major and The Minor, One, Two, Three, Tootsie, The Producers, Young Frankenstein, The Court Jester, Way Out West, Seven Chances, City Lights, Take The Money and Run, and I could go on for days, but for now: Your turn.