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May 27, 2002:

A SOUPCON OF NOTES

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, it is the final day of our three-day holiday. I hope you’re all having a wonderfully relaxing time. I hope we have all been barbecuing our weiners and, I hope we have all been wearing our Speedos and tight t-shirts and I hope we have all been sitting in our easy chairs like so much fish. Unfortunately, all of my chairs are difficult, so I sit on my easy couch like so much fish. How many of you have easy chairs? How many of you have chairs that give you a hard time? How many of you know what the hell I’m talking about?

Last night I attended a “movie night” with a group of people, many of them comedy writers and comedians. The idea is that you show a really bad movie and everyone comments rudely throughout. I provided the film last night, Invasion USA, and the evening was a big hit all-around. I also brought my favorite Jack Benny Show episode to start things off, and I must tell you that all of these hardened comic types were roaring with laughter. It is simply one of the funniest half-hours ever. I’ve talked about in these here notes before, so if you want details merely use our handy-dandy search box and type in “Jack Benny”. The house where “movie night” took place was located in Bel Air, way up Stone Canyon Road. Now, I have to say that no matter how wonderful and huge the house, there is no way I would live in them thar hills. I do not like small windy roads. I do not like when one tiny windy driveway services four different houses. I need flat and straight, not windy and curvy. I don’t like to be on any street that doesn’t have room for two cars on opposite sides, that just makes me too too nervous. In any case, windy roads notwithstanding, the evening was fun and there was a lot of wacky foodstuffs (but no cheese slices or ham chunks – these people don’t know from cheese slices and ham chunks – these are Junior Mints people). Also, the video projection system was so four years ago – I’m sorry, but if you live on a windy street in a multi-million dollar house then get with it, video-wise.

Yesterday, as those who read the notes know, we had a side order of notes, because, after all, this is a holiday weekend and most of you are off wearing your Speedos, oiling your bodies, cooking your weanies, and sitting in your easy and/or difficult chairs. Therefore, today we will have not a side order, but a soupcon of notes. I feel that every now and then one simply must have a soupcon of something and today it will be a soupcon of notes. The only question that remains is what type of soupcon it will be – shall it be tomato soupcon, cream of mushroom soupcon, or onion soup fondue soupcon, or perhaps a mélange of all three put together, kind of a tomoto mushroom onion fondue soupcon. Has anyone noticed that I just wrote “tomoto” when I meant “tomato”? With one slip of a finger I have created a new word, and it’s a fine one, don’t you think? “Tomoto”. Well, now that “tomoto” has entered our lexicon (whatever the hell that is) now we shall have to come up with a meaning for it. Perhaps “tomoto” can be a musical term, i.e. molto tomoto or tomoto vivace. Yes, I like that. Tomoto can be sort of a cross between tranquillo and agitato. Of course, if want a cross between tranquillo and agitato (and who doesn’t?) shouldn’t it be trangitato? No, we’ll need to come up with something better for tomoto. While we are thinking on it, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below before tomoto sets in? And the sooner we click on that Unseemly Button below the sooner you’re going to find out our big news for the day.

I knew that news of big news would get you clicking away fast and it did, didn’t it? Well, the big news is that Mr. Mark Bakalor has been slaving away over a hot computer all the livelong weekend and he has completed his designs for all of our brand spanking new products. If you go back to our home page and click on the new sections link, there you will find yet more links – now you will not only be able to purchase signed copies of the Nudie Musical DVD and my novel, but you’ll be able to buy products for both, such as all manner of t-shirts, golf shirts, various and sundried mugs, an apron, a tote bag, a cooler, a tile coaster, mouse pad, and many more. They are all totally cooliscious, and even I have ordered one of everything and let me tell you I don’t get a discount and I don’t make any money. But we must have our products. We are simply not with it if we don’t have our products. So do check them out, they are simply too too.

Has anyone thought of a good definition for “tomoto” yet? Come on now, put on your thinking caps (oh, there are Nudie Musical and Benjamin Kritzer thinking caps, too), we must have the perfect definition for “tomoto”. For example, is a “tomoto” a thing? Or is “tomoto” something you do? I suppose I could be all hoity-toity and also toity-hoity and say is it an adjective or verb, but I like thing and something you do better, don’t you? In other words, would we say, “Today I shall tomoto, because yesterday I totally forgot to tomoto”? Or would we say, “Have you seen my tomoto lately? I’ll show it to you now as long as you promise not to scream”?

Well, as you may have heard, today I am doing a tomato mushroom onion fondue soupcon of notes. Tomorrow we shall have our regular portion of these here notes, but today a soupcon will have to do because, after all, we are all wearing our Speedos, oiling our collective bodies, barbecuing our wieners and sitting in our easy or difficult chairs. Today’s topic of discussion: Come up with the perfect definition of “tomoto”. Also, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream? I’ll start: My current favorite flavor of ice cream is that Ben and Jerry’s flavor that has coconut, fudge chips and almonds. I could just eat a quart of that right now. However, first I have to eat the vat of rice pudding that my friend Cissy Wechter made for me. I had some last night and I am here to tell you it is too too delicious, especially with the homemade whipped cream she brought with it. It was so good, in fact, that immediately upon finishing a bit of it, I did the Rice Pudding dance. Your turn.

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