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May 20, 2002:

FLYING THINGS

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, I have flying things in my hall bathroom. Now, if that isn’t a commanding sentence to open these here notes with, I don’t know what is. It has everything – drama, suspense, surrealism. I’m thinking I should open these here notes with that sentence every day from here on in. Did you know that “here on in” is really “there on in” with the “t” missing? In any case, I have flying things in my hall bathroom. These flying things have been making their presence known for about two weeks. Apparently, what these flying things do is fly and die, because I first noticed about five of them lying dead as doornails on the counter. I don’t happen to like dead doornails, and I don’t like flying things that do an impression of dead doornails, but there they were, dead flying things on the counter. I paid them no mind, swept them off the counter and disposed of them. Then a few days later I noticed there were dead as doornail flying things on the counter. Not only on the counter, but some were lying dead as doornails on the floor. I looked around the bathroom to see if I could find where they were coming from, and yet I could not find where they were coming from. Certainly they were coming from somewhere, because there they were, dead. In the next few days, more flying things met their maker – but, I also began to see living flying things, too. All these dead and living flying things confined themselves to the hall bathroom, which I thought was very considerate of them. In any case, to cut to the flying thing chase, I went into the hall bathroom yesterday, and there were quite a few dead flying things lying and/or laying about like so much fish, and there were also quite a few living flying things flitting about, having a grand time. I do believe one of the flying things was even dancing the Hora. Well, as Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer once said, Enough is Enough. I got out my large can of Raid Rodent Spray and I went into the hall bathroom and took out all the living flying things. I also sprayed the dead flying things just because. I then sprayed every nook and cranny and also every cranny and nook. I sprayed under the sink, I sprayed around the windows, I sprayed in the tub and down the various drains. Now, the one problem might be that I was using Raid Rodent Spray and I have no idea if these flying things are Rodents. I might have wasted a lot of Rodent Spray, although I must say when the Rodent Spray came into contact with the living flying thing, the flying thing instantly was not flying anymore and instead was doing an impression of a dead doornail. I do hope I have put an end to the flying thing problem – if not, I shall have to call a handy-dandy exterminator.

My heavens, look at the size of that paragraph, that is just totally unseemly in appearance. Anyway, my house reeks of Raid Rodent Spray, and I am nauseous because of the reeking Raid Rodent Spray.

Mr. Mark Bakalor has just about completed work on two of our brand spanking new sections – one for the DVD of The First Nudie Musical and one for my very own novel, Benjamin Kritzer. I’m going to give you a preview of the two sections and tell you how purchasing the items will work, but first I think we should all click on the Unseemly Button below because there it waits, like Godot, and the one thing we must never do is keep the Unseemly Button below waiting.

Have I mentioned there are flying things in my hall bathroom and that I have sprayed them with Raid Rodent Spray? Have I mentioned that I’m going to give you a preview of our new handy-dandy unseemly sections? First off, let’s all click on the link below and go to First Nudie Musicalland.

The First Nudie Musical

Wasn’t that fun? Wasn’t that just too too? Before I tell you how the purchasing works, let’s go to Benjamin Kritzerland, shall we?

Benjamin Kritzer

Wasn’t that fun? Wasn’t that just too too? Didn’t Mr. Mark Bakalor do a lovely job designing our new unseemly sections? As you can see, we will be selling signed copies of the DVD and signed copies of the hardcover of my novel, right here at haineshisway.com. I have tried to keep the prices close to what they are at amazon for the DVD and at the publishers for the novel. We are only going to be able to accept payment through paypal, for those signed copies. Paypal, for those of you who haven’t used it, is a free service, there is no charge for using it, all you have to do is register. Not only that, when you register they give you five dollars in your paypal account, so you are, in essence, saving five dollars off your order. The retail price of the novel at the publisher’s website will be $20.50 or thereabouts, which is what we’re charging here, plus a shipping charge for priority shipping. Signed copies of the Nudie Musical DVD are 18.98 or thereabouts plus the priority shipping charge. Amazon has the Nudie DVD for $18.75 or something, so we’re very close indeed, and of course the amazon copies are not signed by you-know-who.

For those who simply don’t want to use paypal, there are links which will take you directly to the publisher of the book (the book will also be available at amazon, barnesandnoble.com and other online retailers, but not for about six weeks after its initial release at 1stbooks.com. Also, if you’d rather have a softcover, those won’t be available here – however, they’re only three dollars cheaper at the publishers, so I recommend the hardcover, just because it’s ever so much nicer. You may preorder either book or DVD at any time from today on. Do know, however, that paypal processes the charge immediately, even though I won’t have books or DVD until the last week of June (if they arrive sooner, they will ship immediately). However, if possible, I would suggest preordering as soon as possible, because I have to order both book and DVD from the manufacturer, and I need to have an idea of how many to order. There is a note box on the paypal form, and if you’d like a personalized inscription on either book or DVD, be sure to put in the exact name you’d like it inscribed to. We are very excited about all this – many of you have told me you were waiting to preorder to see how this would work, and now you know, so preorder away to your heart’s content, or even your eyeball’s content. I assure you that no flying things will accompany your shipment unless you specifically request them. Mr. Mark Bakalor assures me he will have our brand spanking new sections on our handy-dandy splash page by mid-week. Until then, just use the links in today’s notes. Also added by mid-week will be our brand spanking new products for both Nudie Musical and Benjamin Kritzer, and said products are incredibly spiffy.

Well, today is the day when I have an annoying task to do. However, I will not let said annoying task get to me. I will not let it annoy me, and won’t that be annoying to those who created the annoying task? There is nothing more annoying than not being annoyed by that which is meant to annoy. I will have my handy-dandy laptop computer with me, and I will post during the day, giving you updates on how not annoyed I am.

By the way (or BTW as they say in internet lingo), if you missed any of this weekend’s notes, simply use the Unseemly Archive Button to access them – do catch up or you simply will not be in the loop, notes-wise, you will not be caught up, you will not be happening. Also, the handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest will be finishing at midnight tonight, so get your unseemly guesses in – otherwise you can’t possibly win a sparkling prize. Oh, and don’t forget (or OADF as they say in internet lingo), there’s a brand spanking new The Broadway Radio Show starring Donald Feltham up right now and it’s a very fun show. Go listen and enjoy.

Well, dear readers, I must greet the day, I must do the things I do (and I will not be annoyed doing them, let me tell you that). Do check back frequently for my updates today. Today’s topic of discussion: Comedy songs in musicals are one of the hardest things to write. What musical comedy songs make you truly laugh out loud? I’ll start: You Must Meet my Wife from A Little Night Music, Ooh, My Feet from The Most Happy Fella, Please, Hello from Pacific Overtures, Dance: Ten, Looks: Three from A Chorus Line, Ed Sullivan from Bye Bye Birdie, The Country’s in the Very Best of Hands from Li’l Abner, Gee, Officer Krupke from West Side Story, and a few others which I can’t think of right now. Your turn.

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