Well, dear readers, it wasn’t my fault. Blame it on the Boss Nova, blame it on Rio, put the blame on Mame, but don’t blame me. When I spoke to Cindy Williams a month ago, she told me that I was definitely in one of the clips in the Laverne & Shirley Together Again show, in a segment on their dates. Somehow, between that conversation and the show last night, they cut the segment (although it was “teased” with that clip of Jay Leno, which they then never showed – they showed a different Jay Leno clip). Instead, they treated us to that new sketch, one of the single most unfunny and embarrassing things I’ve ever seen in my life. But I thought the clips were funny and I do love the gals. Whoever put that show together should go to producing school.
Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley.
In my dream, I was either staying or living in a room in a building in Culver City. When you turned the water off in the shower it would start running in the tub, both of which were located in the kitchen. When you would then turn the water off in the tub it would start running in the shower. It was like a Buster Keaton kind of dream. Then, since there was no food in the refrigerator (which was in the living room), I went out to get something. As I began to walk I noticed that the streets were only lit by yellow bulbs. I walked a half a block and then thought, “I shouldn’t be out walking alone in this neighborhood” and I turned around to go back. As I walked back, I passed by a swimming pool which was located, for some reason, on a street corner. There were some drunken louts standing by the pool and, as I walked, one of them came up to me and started to try to push me in the swimming pool. I pushed him back and said, “Stay away from me you drunken lout”. His drunken lout friends started to move toward me, so I grabbed the first drunken lout quite strongly by his privates. That took care of that and then I woke up.
Wasn’t that an excellent dream? Can you imagine those drunken louts thinking they could push me around? Can you imagine a swimming pool on a street corner in Culver City? I feel that dream was frought, simply frought with meaning, but I have no idea what that meaning was or is, or even is or was.
Well, dear readers, we all know what today is. Today is Ask BK Day, and I do hope you all have your excellent questions ready for me. Remember, post them here, but don’t anyone answer any of them even if you know the answer and are chomping at the bit to answer – just restrain yourselves and leave the bit unchomped. You will have your turn to answer, dear readers, because I’ve decided that we are going to have an Ask Dear Reader Day very soon, and I will ask you the questions. Isn’t that a splendid and sparkling idea? Isn’t that just too too?
Also, we have a major event happening tomorrow. In addition to my answering your questions, we will be having a party to celebrate said major event. So be sure to stop by, every single one of you. And that includes all you dear readers who lurk. Yes, Virginia, you read that right, there are lurkers who read these here notes every single day. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, we have people who stop, lurk, and listen every single day. I do hope our dear lurkers are enjoying what they read, too, and that they are getting fountains of knowledge and insight at this in site. Because haineshisway.com is becoming an in site, and that is because we are cool, man, we are the coolest – we are the frozen U-No Bar of the internet, man. There may be hotter sites than this, but none that are as cool. We are cooliscious, man, and anyone who doesn’t come to this here site and read these here notes is not cool, man, they are totally without cool. What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, the major event and the party we’ll be having to celebrate it.
Last night I went out to dinner and I had a club sandwich. Not a heart sandwich, or a spade sandwich, or even a diamond sandwich mind you, no, I had a club sandwich. And amongst the ingredients included in this club sandwich was apple-smoked bacon. I didn’t even know that apples smoked bacon, did you? That is just too cool, man. Just picture those apples, sitting in their rooms in Culver City, smoking their bacon without a care in the world. In any case, the apple-smoked bacon was absolutely delicious. I wonder if oranges smoke bacon? I wonder if peaches smoke bacon? I wonder if Timothy Leary-Deary smoked bacon? Yes, I wonder whilst I wander and I wander whilst I wonder and this entire paragraph has taken on a distinctly Marx Bros. air about it.
Well, I believe it’s time for us all to click on the Unseemly Button below, and that includes you lurkers. Come on, we know you’re there – so let’s all click away on the count of three: One, two, three…
Did you know that the count of three is a distant cousin to the earl of four and the lord of six? Just asking.
Have I mentioned that I had apple-smoked bacon last night and that said apple-smoked bacon was laying in the middle of a club sandwich like so much fish?
I began watching Mr. Walt Disney’s version of Pollyanna, starring our very own Hayley Mills. It’s very sweet and very charming and Hayley is just wonderful in it. Funnily, I’d never seen it before – I haven’t finished watching it yet and so will refrain from further comment until I do. I also picked up the brand spanking new DVD of Mr. Walt Disney’s Swiss Family Robinson, which I’ve also never seen. I did see the sequel, though, Yiddish Family Rosenbaum, and enjoyed it quite a lot.
Today, Mr. David Wechter will be coming over and we will again be working in earnest on our brand spanking new musical comedy. We had to put it aside because our Tourette’s Syndrome benefit was incredibly time-consuming, but now we will be working in earnest whilst smoking bacon, and we will be churning out pages like there’s no tomorrow. Of course, there better be a tomorrow because otherwise all your excellent questions will go unanswered, and we can’t have that, now, can we?
Another interesting thing about tomorrow is that I will be seeing the DVD menus for The First Nudie Musical. Isn’t that exciting? They will be fully animated, these menus will, and they will have sound bites, too. I will have a full report once I’ve seen them with my very own eyes.
I’m going to keep these here notes short today, because I know you’re all chomping at the bit to ask your excellent questions. You lurkers do feel free to ask questions, too – make yourselves known, that’s what I say. Come out of the woodwork, you lurkers. What are you doing in the woodwork anyway? Get out of that woodwork now. In fact, I’ll let the great Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest say it for me – because no one said it better than them.
GET OUT OF THE WOODWORK Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
Hey there, you, don’t you lurk!
Get out in the open, don’t be a jerk.
Get out in the sun and you will shine.
Don’t hide out, show yourself!
Step out and say howdy, get off your shelf
Make your presence known and you’ll feel fine!
Get out of the woodwork
And you’ll do some good work
Get out of the shadows and live!
Yes, coming out could work
It’s fun and it should work
Get out of the darkness and give
A little
You’ll find that not joining in isn’t working
You’ll find you’ll like it if you’re not lurking
So
Get out of the corner
Like Little Jack Horner
And come join life’s party and play!
Get out of the woodwork
Stay out of that woodwork
And you’ll do some good work
Today!
I just love that song. Such optimism, such hope. Well, dear readers, it’s time for you to ask your excellent questions, which I can’t wait to see and to answer. In the meantime, I’ll be in my kitchen taking a shower and smoking some bacon.