Well, dear readers, it is cleaning lady day so I must write these here notes quickly and efficiently so that she will not look askance at me. When she was here two weeks ago she told me some rather shocking news. She told me that my beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner was no longer sucking up the dirt. I was agog, simply agog. Can you imagine being told that your beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner was no longer sucking up the dirt – that your beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner had, in fact, bitten the dust, gone to its maker (Hoover), had sucked its final suck. That vacuum cleaner that has cleaned so dutifully these many years, had been wheezing in the last few weeks, and then finally didn’t have enough power to suck in even the tiniest morsel of dirt. Oh, it made noise, it sounded like a vacuum cleaner, but there was no suction and without suction what is the point of a vacuum cleaner? And so, I’m afraid we had to put my beloved Hoover upright vacuum cleaner out to pasture – it had a good run, it made many clean sweeps, eighteen years worth of them.
So, off I went to the handy-dandy store where I bought a brand spanking new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner. These new-fangled Hoover upright vacuum cleaners are amazing. Their so now, so with it, and I can barely hold on to it when I switch it on, so intent is this Hoover upright vacuum cleaner on getting to the dirt. This thing sucks, let me tell you that. I have never seen such sucking in all my born days, or even my unborn days for that or any other matter. I didn’t like the fact that one had to assemble such an expensive machine, but one has to because it comes in two parts. Since I don’t assemble, I had to call a friend who is a fine assembler and she assembled it quite handily thank you very much. The cleaning lady should be very happy with this new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner and all its sparkling accoutrements. And my rugs will once again be dirt-free because this thing does not stop until all the dirt has been sucked up into its innards. This thing has a red light/green light thing on it, and until that red light turns green there is still dirt – when it turns green then the dirt is gone and all is well with the world, the rug, and the Hoover.
Can you believe I have just written two endless paragraphs about a vacuum cleaner? Well, that is a fine way to start a Saturday, say I. Being Saturday, of course, also means that it is time for our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question. But before we get to that, I want to congratulate all of our dear readers for their brilliant posts yesterday – if anyone missed yesterday’s notes you simply must use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button so you can see what subject really brought out the brilliance in our dear readers.
Speaking of brilliance, isn’t it about time we all show our dexterity by clicking on that Unseemly Button below? Oh, yes, I think it’s time we all show our dexterity because if we don’t show our collective dexterities we shall be bitch-slapped by the all-knowing, all-seeing, Grand Poobah of this here domain, Mr. Mark Bakalor. So, let us click away, before that Grand Poobah has a chance to strut his bitch-slapping stuff.
There, the Grand Poobah has been thwarted again, damn his eyes.
I am still feeling quite tingly and relaxed from my handy-dandy massage. My Russian masseuse pummeled me and kneaded me like a fine loaf of bread – she anointed me with precious oils and worked her wonders, while I lay on the table like so much fish, in blissful peace. I always try to choose good background music for my massage. For example, it is not good to get a massage whilst listening to The Rolling Stones. No, one wants music to massage the ears and brain, so last night I played one of my favorite albums, a Jan Akkerman guitar album, with orchestrations by the great Claus Ogerman. It’s basically all gorgeous classical music, arranged for Mr. Akkerman’s supple guitar playing and it is perfect massage music.
Well, don’t you think it’s time we get to our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest question? Don’t you think it’s just about that time? Here it is:
One hit musical had a cast that spawned a major television star, a successful television writer/producer, and a major Broadway and television choreographer. Name the musical, the major television star, the successful television writer/producer, and the major Broadway and television choreographer.
Tie breaker: One year earlier there was another hit musical that opened and had a cast that spawned a major television star and a successful television writer/producer. Name the musical, the television star and the television writer/producer. Clue: The two musicals definitely have one thing in common.
Remember, e-mail me your answers by using the handy-dandy unseemly Ask Bruce Kimmel button (or bruce@haineshisway.com) and do not post them to the site. You have until Monday at midnight. Good luck to one and all and also to all and one. The Highest Winner, of course, will receive a sparkling prize.
Yesterday I had lunch with our very own dear reader, Mr. Mark Rothman, a very funny fellow. I’d met Mr. Rothman slightly when I’d guested on Laverne and Shirley, for which he wrote. We ate at a very strange restaurant called Todai (pronounced Toh-die – but it could also be pronounced To Die and the latter pronunciation makes me nervous, especially when dining). Todai is sort of like a Swedish smorgasbord only with Japanese food. It’s a buffet-style affair where you get a plate and just load up on the sushi or any of the various and sundried salads and hot dishes they have. You may eat as much as you like and we did. We had a lovely chat and it was fun to catch up. Have you ever caught “up”? “Up” is a feisty little thing and very difficult to catch, let me tell you that. But, we caught “up” and we were all the better for it. What the hell am I talking about?
My cleaning lady is giving me the evil eye. She is casting me sidelong glances in that way of hers. But she does like her brand spanking new Hoover upright vacuum cleaner, so she’s cutting me some slack. I don’t even want any slack, yet there she is, scissors at work, cutting me the damn slack. Now my slack is in pieces. I hate that. I like when my slack is whole. Whole slack, that is what we need.
Well, I’m afraid I must cut these here notes short, although the cleaning lady is currently using the scissors to cut me some slack so I cannot cut these here notes short unless I rip them short and that would leave unseemly edges. We must never have unseemly edges, only neat and tidy and kempt edges for us here at haineshisway.com. I shall return tomorrow with more of the same or, perhaps, same of the more. For now, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, journey as far as the eye can wander. Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite western films? I do know that when I sometimes bring this topic up with my musical theatre friends, they poo-poo the western film. That is because they are coprophiliacs, clearly. And yet, I love musicals and also have always loved western films. So, I feel it is high time that we pay tribute to our favorites. I’ll start: The Searchers (my all-time favorite), Once Upon a Time in The West (brilliant), Red River, Ride Lonesome, High Noon, Rio Bravo, For a Few Dollars More, Shane, The Magnificent Seven, The Naked Spur (by my beloved Anthony Mann), The Wild Bunch, Ride The High Country (my second all-time fave), and many many more. Your turn.