Well, dear readers, it is cleaning lady day, so I must write these notes in short order and get out of my house before I am given a withering glance by said cleaning lady. Actually said cleaning lady will not be cleaning today as she is visiting her mother in another land – her handy-dandy sister will be cleaning and she has an even worse withering glance and on top of that she’s quite tall, which means the withering glance comes from a great height. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, her glance comes from withering heights.
Today, I shall be attending a handy-dandy rare book show in Glendale, California where I will be looking at handy-dandy rare books. These are mostly first editions, and they will be very pricey indeed. I love to peruse rare book shows and look at the very pricey indeed books. Especially when I see a book I already own going for a lot of money. Oh, that makes me feel lovely inside, that makes me feel like eating a cheese slice and a ham chunk and dancing the Hora. Of course, if I actually did so then people would invariably look at me askance and we can’t have that, now can we? One glance from the withering heights is enough.
Last night I went to dinner with Miss Cissy Wechter and her grandchildren Zach and Daniel Wechter. Whilst at dinner, I consumed a dinner salad, a bacon cheeseburger and fries. This bacon cheeseburger was the size of a small country and I thought I was going to die by the end of the meal, so full was I. The problem was that I’ve been losing weight, so my stomach shrunk, so I filled up faster than usual. Now, a normal person would have stopped eating when the first signs of being uncomfortable occurred. Yes, that is what a normal person would have done. I, however, kept eating until I thought I was going to explode. I, dear readers, am a member of the clean plate club, and by gum and by golly my plate was clean when I left that restaurant. The kids, of course, wanted dessert, so we went to a place called Coldstone’s where they got ice cream. Of course, you can’t take me to a place called Coldstone’s and expect me not to try the ice cream, so I had a small cup of ice cream, specifically sweet cream ice cream with coconut flavoring and chocolate chips. I believe there was about a pound of ice cream in this small cup and by the time I finished it (and I did finish it) I began to feel as if I were going to have a heart attack and die right there in a Calabasas mall. However, we walked for ten minutes, so I did get some exercise. We then went back to Miss Cissy Wechter’s very own home, where I introduced the kids to the wonders of The Marx Brothers, by showing them a video of Duck Soup. Now, you never know what kids these days will laugh at – although it’s hard not to laugh at Groucho, no matter what. They liked it pretty well, but they did not laugh at Groucho much at all. Do you know who they laughed at, and laughed at loudly? Harpo. Harpo and Chico. Especially the scenes with Edgar Kennedy – they roared at those scenes. And the mirror scene with Groucho and Harpo had them roaring as well. But they never laughed once at any of Groucho’s classic dialogue. Isn’t that interesting? I, of course, laughed at all of Groucho’s classic dialogue. And I must say that Margaret Dumont was one of the greats, wasn’t she? Did you know that I met Mr. Groucho Marx several times, and even went to his very own home one fine night? I got to play the piano for him as he sang Hooray for Captain Spaulding. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I remember that his cat was going to be spayed the next day, and every five minutes he kept leaning over to it and saying, “You’ll have no balls tomorrow”. Needless to say, one laughed harder each time he said it.
What am I, writing the whole of these here notes in the first section? I do that a lot, don’t I? Then I either get a withering glance from Mr. Mark Bakalor, or I get bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, damn his eyes and nose. In any case, let us all click on the Unseemly Button below because the cleaning lady’s sister has arrived and she is already giving me glances from the withering heights.
I am still full from last night’s piggish eatfest. And I have another dinner to go to tonight, but I will eat small portions, let me tell you that, dear readers, because I will not jeopardize my buff and toned body with abs and buns of steel. I picked up many new DVDs yesterday, and I will be reporting on them as soon as I get to viewing them. They include a special edition of Memento, a British thriller called And Soon the Darkness with the lovely Pamela Franklin, Mr. Douglas Trumball’s Silent Running and most importantly, It Came from Outer Space, starring Mr. Richard Denning. The latter was, of course, originally shown in three dimensions, but the DVD is only two dimensions, which I find heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). They left off a dimension, these DVD people did. DVDs have such nice clarity that I should think 3-D would work just fine. If I were them I would have put both versions on the DVD and included two pairs of 3-D glasses for the likes of me and other 3-D aficionados. I have seen many movies in 3-D and I always enjoy the experience – House of Wax, Kiss Me Kate, Dial “M” For Murder, Escape to Tangiers, and quite a few others. I remember that the first time I went to Disneyland, soon after it opened, they were showing something in 3-D there – with Annette as I recall, or maybe it was all of the Mouseketeers.
I’ll bet you were beginning to think I’d forgotten what today is. Well, I haven’t forgotten – today is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest by popular demand. And today I’ve got a question that everyone should be able to answer. Therefore, we should have lots of guesses, perhaps even a few from our lurkers out there in the dark. Did you know that several of our lurkers out there in the dark have posted this week? Welcome, lurkers, we love having you here whether you lurk or not. Also, late yesterday, we even had a visit from Mr. Mark Haggard, who is the co-director of The First Nudie Musical, who revealed some information that even I didn’t know – that there was once a pilot made for a tv series based on Double Indemnity, which was to focus on the insurance investigator, Keyes, played in the film by Edward G. Robinson, but in the pilot by Mr. Broderick Crawford. Certainly it couldn’t focus on Mr. Walter Neff or Miss Phyllis Dietrichson from the film, because they are deader than doornails at the end of said film. Oh, should I have put “spoiler” there? Oh, well. Where was I? Oh, yes, today is our Unseemly Trivia Contest, so here’s our unseemly question:
What musical theater performer also wrote a hit song (I mean a big hit song)? Now, before you all start thinking Noel Coward or Anthony Newley – this performer was not known as a songwriter, in fact, this hit song may have been one of only a handful that he wrote.
Name the performer and name the hit song.
Well, that was the question. Once again, someone has posted the answer to the site – a newcomer, so we can’t get too angry. In any case, he revealed the answer and I have had to come up with a brand spanking new question very quickly. I’m sorry if it’s more difficult, but this is the best I can do on such short notice (someday I’ll bank some questions just in case this happens again):
A musical by a well-known theater composer, had in its cast someone who would become a multiple Academy Award nominee. This musical by a well-known theater composer was, in fact, produced by another well-known theater composer. Name the musical, the well-known composer, the well-known composer who produced the show and the multiple Academy Award nominee. Whew.
Remember, do not post your answer to the site. You must e-mail your answer to me at bruce@haineshisway.com or by using the handy-dandy unseemly Ask BK button. If there are multiple High Winners then we shall use our handy-dandy electronic hat to determine the winner, who, of course, will receive a sparkling prize.
Did you know that as I was rereading yesterday’s notes I found an incorrect usage of the word “too”. I used the word “to” when I meant to use the word “too”. There are simply too many fershluganah “too/to/two” words, and I, for one, find that too too. And of course, let’s not forget “tutu”. I usually don’t have time to proof these here notes and I rely on my handy-dandy spell checker, but my handy-dandy spell checker, of course, can’t tell that I’m using the wrong form of “too/two/to/tutu”. So, forgive me if I occasionally have a mistake – if I find them early enough I can easily go in and correct them, but if I see them too late in the day then I figure why bother.
Well, dear readers, I am receiving withering glances aplenty, so I must leave you now, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must go to the rare book show and peruse. Today’s topic of discussion: What comic actors do you find hopelessly dated and unfunny, and what comic actors still make you laugh no matter what? I’ll start: I still find the Marx. Bros. funny, Chaplin and Keaton always make me laugh, but Laurel and Hardy, with the exception of Way Out West, don’t make me laugh all that much (I know this is sacrilege, but there you are), Harold Lloyd makes me laugh every now and then, but Olson and Johnson have never made me laugh, nor have Wheeler and Woolsey. I find that several Abbott and Costello films have dated poorly and while I like A&C their films don’t make me laugh as much as their television show. I still laugh at W.C. Fields, but I don’t laugh at the films of Martin and Lewis, although I do laugh occasionally at Jerry’s solo films. I still laugh at The Three Stooges, Danny Kaye, but not at the films of Red Skelton (I still like his television shows). As you know, I always laugh at Jack Benny, whether on film or tv, but I rarely laugh at Burns and Allen anymore. Your turn – and yes, Virginia, I know how subjective comedy is.