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Column Archive
May 1, 2002:

THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, it was twenty years ago today that Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play, and it was one year ago today that I finally got up the courage to begin writing my book. May is just that kind of month, I think – a month for new beginnings, a month to start things, a month to say, “May I? Yes, I May”. Why, do you know I began shooting The First Nudie Musical in May? Do you know I began shooting The Creature Wasn’t Nice in May? Well, it’s the merry month of May today and things are a’brewin’, new things, and you will all be the first to know about them, dear readers. Do you think if these here notes were done on the radio instead of print that you would be ear readers? In any case, it is May, and one year ago I began on my book journey, which has been an incredible ride.

I’d been thinking about writing a novel for twenty years (since Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play), but every time I’d think about it (once a year) I’d think, “Oh, I can’t do that – I’ve never done that. That’s serious writing, I don’t know from serious writing”. Then I’d forget about it, go about my daily business and then a year later think about it again. For awhile I thought I’d write a mystery, because I love mysteries – I even came up with a plot and a good backdrop. It would take place backstage at a Broadway musical tryout. But, I could never get motivated about it. I do recall writing a page or two, but I couldn’t get beyond it, couldn’t decide if it should be first or third person, couldn’t get off my butt cheeks and actually get serious. No, I kept going back to the kind of thing I really wanted to write about, which was my childhood – growing up in Los Angeles in the fifties. I wanted to write a valentine to the city and a valentine to childhood, and I thought I had enough colorful things happen that I could cull from that it would be fun to do. But, still, I couldn’t get off my butt cheeks and actually do it.

Then came One From Column A, a column I wrote under the pseudonym The Real A. I wrote that column once a week for two years over at sondheim.com. When Meryle Secrest’s bio of Stephen Sondheim came out, I decided that her next bio would be The Real A: A Life. And so, under the guise of Miss Secrest doing a bio, I began recounting things from my childhood. Just anecdotes really, but they were funny and brought back many fond memories and ultimately they got me thinking about the fershluganah book again. But doing 130 albums in seven years does keep you sort of busy, so again, I just never could sit down and actually begin. But last May something happened. I was sitting on an airplane, taking one of my frequent trips to New York, and I thought to myself, “You are a total coward about this book”. And I realized I’d never really been a coward about anything creative – I’d acted professionally, I’d written and directed films and television, I’d never shied away from anything. So, I thought, “You either forget about this book – never think of it again, ever, or, you write it – you just start and let it take you wherever it may”. Right then and there, I pulled out my handy-dandy laptop computer and wrote the words “Chapter One” and began typing what would eventually become the Prologue of the book. Other than the vaguest idea that I wanted it to be anecdotal, about me as a child, and in the third person, I had no clue what where it was going to take me. I just wrote. I wrote six pages on the plane and put it away. I read them in the hotel, and by gum and by golly, I thought they were acceptable. From that moment on, I never looked back – I wrote almost every day for the next seven months. Starting Friday, I’ll recount some of that process.

Well, dear readers, do you know what time it is? It’s not Howdy Doody time – it’s time to click on that Unseemly Button below, that’s what time it is. So, to it, I say.

Well, dear readers, do you know what day it is? I do. I know what day it is and I’m going to tell you what day it is because why should I keep such a thing from you? It is Ask BK Day, the day where you get to ask me anything, any question that may be on your mind – any old thing at all. Any subject, any topic, whatever you want to ask you ask, and I shall endeavor to answer your questions in a forthright manner and I shall print those very answers in tomorrow’s notes. I have come to look forward to these Ask BK Day questions, and I hope you have, too. So, ask away. And remember, dear readers, don’t answer the questions that are asked, even if you’re dying to. You must hold yourselves back (no mean feat), you must fight the urge, in short, you must let me answer the questions. Oh, I’m so happy it’s Ask BK Day – I have put on my colored tights and pantaloons and I am doing the Butterscotch Pudding dance whilst wearing a tam on my head.

Oh, yes, I promised to print that exciting Meltz and Ernest song, didn’t I? Well, far be it from me to promise something and then not deliver. Here it is:

WHEN I EAT A CHERRY I FEEL CHEERY Music by Hinky Meltz
Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Food can make your mood!
When the food swings – your mood swings.
When the food’s bad – your mood’s bad
You are what you eat – and that’s sort of neat.

When I eat a cherry I feel cheery,
When I eat a gumdrop I feel gay.
When I eat a dumpling I feel dreary
And when I eat a hot dog then I feel like making hay
(So come and kiss me!)

When I eat some jello I feel jumpy
When I eat some fries then I feel fine.
When I eat some goulash I feel grumpy
But when I eat a muffin how I wish that you were mine!
(And that you’d miss me!)

Eat some ham and I feel happy
Eat some veal I feel devine
Eat some slaw and I feel sappy
A little lamb just makes me feel like Jule Styne

So
When I eat a Twizzler I feel t’wiffic
When I eat a spare rib I feel swell.
When I eat some sole I feel specific
And when I eat some halvah then the world can go to hell
I’ll eat a yam so I can yell
Eating a bagel rings my bell
And when I eat a cherry I get cheery
And the world can go to hell
I really mean it
And the world can go to hell!

Isn’t that a great song? I will have some very exciting Meltz and Ernest news very soon and you will be the first to know about it, dear readers.

I know these notes are on the short side today, but I finally got a decent night’s sleep and woke up rather late. And so, I must get them up right here and now and also right now and here, because it would be unseemly to get them up later.

Besides, tomorrow’s notes with all the Ask BK Day answers are always very very very (that is three verys – perhaps we should vary the verys) long. So, formulate your questions and then ask away. Nothing is off-topic, almost everything is allowed. So, ask away, dear readers, and I shall return like General MacArthur, to answer your questions on the ‘morrow.

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