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May 30, 2002:

TUT AND PHUT

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, it is still Wednesday, but I thought I’d get a head start on these here Thursday notes. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I thought I’d get a head start – not a foot start, mind you, or even a hand start, no I thought I’d get a head start because there were so many of your excellent questions to answer. As you may have read, Mr. JMK had the solution to my Word problem, so I am back to writing these here notes in Word rather than Wordpad. I am so very happy not to be using that disgusting Wordpad. That Wordpad freaked me out, frankly, and it also franked me out, freakly. But let us not dwell on such matters, let us move on to greener pastures.

I have been checking out my test DVD of The First Nudie Musical, and all seems to work splendidly. I have scanned the film itself, and I have watched the documentary, but with the audio commentary on. I hadn’t heard the documentary audio commentary since the night we did it, and I must say I rather howled with laughter. It is very saucy and irreverent. Yes, Virginia, it is a very saucy commentary, rather like a Bernaise or perhaps an Alfredo. At times it was so saucy it was like an Alfredo Bernaise put together. If you haven’t ordered your DVD yet I would do so immediately because you don’t want to be without your saucy commentary. I looked at the cut scene, at the cut musical number (which, of course, doesn’t look very good having been transferred from Beta tape), I found the Easter Eggs, and I looked at the stills and poster gallery. All in all, I am very pleased with the result.

The other news I heard today was that I should have both hardcover and paperback test books in hand by next Wednesday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too. All of these lovely things happening – and happening despite the occasional petty annoyances that occur every now and then. Aren’t petty annoyances annoying? Oh, well, we shan’t let those petty annoyances get to us, so tut and phut to those who would be petty and annoying. Yes, tut and phut I say and say loudly.

I feel we should all now say tut and phut together, in unison, because here at haineshisway.com we are all for one and one for all, we are united we Hainsies/Kimlets, we are a force to be reckoned with. On the count of three, let us all say tut and phut: One, two, three – Tut! Phut! There, that felt good, didn’t it? I feel that was a most excellent tut and phut – I have rarely heard better and I have been around the block, tut and phut-wise. Tut and Phut. They sound like Siamese twins, don’t they? Like Chang and Wang, or whoever the hell they were. What the hell am I talking about?

Well, I feel we should get to the questions, because there are a lot of them and I shall endeavor to be as long-winded as usual. So, let’s all say tut and phut as we click on the Unseemly Button below.

And now, let’s get directly to the excellent questions.

JMK has just seen Jacques Demy’s lovely film, The Young Girls of Rochefort and asks what are my favorite Michel Legrand songs. Well, I love the entirety of The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, and I love You Must Believe in Spring from Young Girls. I also love What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life, Summer of ’42, Windmills of Your Mind, Summer Me, Winter Me (The Picasso Summer), and just about everything else the man ever wrote. He is simply brilliant and unique.

Ben asks what I think of the recent announcement that Miss Bernadette Peters will be playing Rose in a revival of Gypsy? Well, I don’t think we especially need another revival of Gypsy, but I’ll reserve judgment until viewing it, because Miss Peters occasionally is very surprising. I don’t know that I feel she is tremendously right for it, but who knows – stranger things have happened. Tyne Daly, for example, who turned out to be a fine Mama Rose. Ben also asks what kind of computer I ended up buying. I ended up buying (with the help of our very own Susan Gordon and Craig Brockman) a Dell Inspiron 2650. It has everything I should need, plus I got a free memory upgrade and a DVD/CD thing. I asked the Dell people if I could get a free memory upgrade, too – you know, for me personally, but they seemed not to know what the hell I was talking about. And moments later I had forgotten what the hell I was talking about because frankly, at my age, I need a free memory upgrade.

Arnold M. Brockman asks two questions about the film classic, The Parent Trap. First Arnold asks if Hayley’s camp friend Betsy was indeed played by A Chorus Line’s Kay Cole. Yes, indeedy. Kay was also in Bye Bye Birdie and Stop the World way back then. Secondly, do I feel The Parent Trap would make a good musical? Well, if you could find real twins to do it on stage, perhaps. Or perhaps you could find two gals who looked enough alike to make it work. It’s already got three great songs, so I’m sure the Sherman Brothers could whip up a few more. We do love the Sherman Brothers and since someone came to the site recently and searched for the Sherman Brothers, I thought I’d type their names a few times so they could find some more “hits”. I aim to please. Arnold also asks what is my favorite Shakespearean play? For no reason really, A Comedy of Errors. Chekhovian play? Star Trek IV. Verdi opera? I like Puccini. What is my favorite Wagner opera? Tristan und Isolde. What is my feeling about Gilbert and Sullivan? I like ’em, but in small doses.

Craig, as usual, has a plethora of questions. First, what is my opinion of the old show Dark Shadows. I have no opinion, as I’ve never seen an episode of it. Do I have it on DVD? Not yet, but if you recommend it I might just have to get it. Did I ever watch the “new” Dark Shadows? I have never seen any Dark Shadows except that occasionally a dark shadow will show up at my front door, in which case I say rather loudly, tut and phut. Have I seen our very own Susan Egan and Jason Graae in High Button Shoes? Not yet, but I will be very soon and I shall have a full report. What are some of my favorite Broadway duets? Well, I don’t want to start long lists, but I do adore I’m Past My Prime from Li’l Abner and What Takes My Fancy from Wildcat, and My Heart Is So Full of You from The Most Happy Fella. What are some of my favorite Broadway love songs. I’ll list just one – Love, Look Away, although it is bittersweet, I just think it’s one of the greats. What are my favorite Broadway hate songs? I Hate Men is pretty good. Are there still plans for a Meltz and Ernest CD. Well, there are several interesting things in the works for Meltz and Ernest and I shall have more details soon. When did I find out about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus? When I was a mere sprig of a twig of a sprout of a lad. I still believe in both. The tooth fairy used to leave me one dollar and an original cast album. Did I ever own a pet rock? No, but I owned a pet bush once. What was a prized possession of my childhood? Order Benjamin Kritzer and all will be answered. Have the Wechters and I ever played any fun board games like Taboo or Gestures? We did do that thing where you draw – what is that game called? We have also played Scrabble, my favorite game. Finally, what was/is the last known song recorded of Meltz and Ernest. Their very late in life masterpiece, The Goyim of Greece.

Laura tells me she just bought two count them two CDs, both produced by me. She asks if I can give a breakdown of where the money goes? For a solo CD and for a compilation CD. If we’re talking about the budget, it all goes to the same place – the musicians, orchestrators, musical directors, engineer, studio, mastering studio, singers, etc. If you’re talking about where your purchase price goes, some of it goes to the manufacturing, some to the distributor, some to the label (if different than the distributor), and virtually none to the artist until the album recoups, which is usually on the 12th of Never.

Td has several questions: First he asks what I think of the following vocalists – Doris Day, Janis Ian and Jennifer Warnes, to which I answer, what’s not to like? Do I have a favorite Doris Day song? But, of course, and if you order my very own novel from this here website you will find out what in tarnation it is. If you look at the cover of the book, however, you might just be able to figure it out. I have always enjoyed Miss Janis Ian and I certainly like Miss Jennifer Warnes’s voice.

Sushi Tomoto asks if there is any chance that my cut of The Creature Wasn’t Nice will ever see the light of day? Only if you view it at my home. The negative was recut, and the only print of my cut was destroyed. I do have it on three-quarter inch tape, which I had transferred to DVD, so at least it exists in that form.

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my sirloins, asks what my favorite incarnation of The Shop Around the Corner is, and what do I think of You’ve Got Mail? Well, my favorite incarnation is She Loves Me, with the original film coming in second, You’ve Got Mail, coming in third and In the Good Old Summertime coming in last. I guess I’m in the minority, but I didn’t hate You’ve Got Mail – didn’t love it either, but it passed the time pleasantly. What do I think of Nora Ephron in general? I don’t know that I’ve ever thought of Nora Ephron in general or even in lieutenant or corporal. How do I feel about the stuffy English dramas such as Remains of the Day, Sense and Sensibility and Howard’s End. Does the fact that I have seen none of those films tell you anything? Next, did I decorate my very own home and how is it decorated? Yes, I did decorate my very own home, and it is decorated in a style I like to call Early Eclectic. Every room is different and there is no sense or sensibility in evidence, at least that I can see. Where do I like to dine in New York other than Joe Allen? There are several wonderful restaurants I’ve eaten at but I never remember their names. I do remember loving the fish at the Manhattan Ocean Club and I also remember loving a restaurant called Bice.

Tom from Oz asks what I think of the film musical, Bugsy Malone. I’ve only seen a bit of it – it’s coming to DVD so I’ll finally see all of it then. I did think what I saw was very strange indeed. Tom asks if I’ve seen Miss Jodie Foster (star of Bugsy Malone) in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane? Yes, I have, and I’m quite partial to the film actually.

Adrienne Holister also recently watched Mr. Jacques Demy’s The Young Girls of Rochefort and asks if I know the name of the first song that Catherine Deneuve and sister Francois Dorleac sing. Yes, I believe I do – it’s called Chanson du Jumelles in French, and A Pair of Twins in English. Adrienne also mentions the scene in the cafĂ© where everyone talks in rhyme and asks if there was a reason for it. I’m sure Mr. Demy thought it poetic and interesting, but I don’t know that for a fact.

William F. Orr assumes that since Guy Haines doesn’t know from songs, that I am the one who picked the songs on his album – can I give some insight into how I chose them and how I structured the album? I can try. Guy said he would love to sing the songs that I loved, and so he allowed me to pick them all. Certain things were a given, like Pick Yourself Up, a real favorite, She Likes Basketball, but others were just chosen because, even though they might seem like odd choices, they were just things I wanted to hear Guy sings – things like Terminal, Marie, Here You Come Again. Todd Ellison sent us his original song, written specially for Mr. Haines, which we both loved. Two Lost Souls seemed perfect for Guy and Susan Egan, plus I had that arrangement of it in my head for years. You Must Believe In Spring was a last-minute replacement for Here’s That Rainy Day, a track that neither Guy or I really thought had come out well enough. Funnily, You Must Believe in Spring turned out to be one of my favorite tracks on the album. The Shelly Markham song seemed right as a closer, plus it was new, and we both just liked the sentiment. As to the sequencing of it, I just tried to keep it surprising and interesting and always building to something new.

Kerry tells me that he subscribed to a magazine I’d recommended, Illustration Magazine. In the latest issue he saw my very own painting by Robert Maguire featured in an article on that great artist. The painting was used for a Dell paperback (as opposed to a Dell computer) entitled Dead, Man, Dead. Kerry thought the painting stunning (I agree wholeheartedly) and asks if I also have a copy of the actual paperback. Yes, the copy of the book that’s pictured in the magazine is also mine. That’s part of the fun of illustration art – getting the book or magazine it was featured in and displaying them together. Kerry asks what other paintings I own. Well, I’ve owned quite a few in the past few years, some of which I still have, some of which I’ve traded away, and some of which I’ve sold. I have had a couple of terrific Saturday Evening Post covers, one by J.C. Leyendecker (I was offered so much money for it that I simply couldn’t turn it down) and one by John Clymer. I still have many wonderful paintings – one by the great Dean Cornwell, a great Victor Olson Coronet cover, several other paperback book covers (my favorites) including a wonderful one for a Lesbian paperback called The Odd Kind. I have a beautiful Gene Pressler painting used for a 1919 Printzess clothing catalog, I have several paintings used for magazine interiors, I have two great cover paintings used for a magazine called Country Gentleman, one from the 30s and one from the 50s. I love art, especially illustration art. Kerry asks which one painting I would like to own – I’ll keep it to illustration art and just say any of the Saturday Evening Post covers by the brilliant Norman Rockwell. It just doesn’t get better than that, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo). Next, Kerry asks when I produce an album do I choose the performer first and then the subject matter or songs, or do I sometimes choose the subject matter and then the performer. Usually it’s the performer – we then talk about lots of things and, if it’s going to be a composer tribute, we figure out who we like and who we think will be interesting. That’s how we arrived at the Jason Graae does Charles Strouse album, just a good match. Rebecca Luker and I thought she’d do marvelously with Cole Porter and damned if she didn’t. But sometimes I have the concept first – such as A Broadway Love Story, and in that case, I cast the performer to the project. Also, have I ever had a project or song in mind and then had to use someone else for some reason? Sure – things happen. On the Stephen Schwartz Album, Judy Kuhn was originally going to sing Meadowlark – but Judy is one of those singers who can only function if she’s in the room when it’s being recorded, so she can “breathe” with the orchestra (or piano, or whatever). That’s perfectly valid, but impossible when the singer is on the East Coast and the band on the West Coast. We tried to record it according to the way she rehearsed it – Todd Ellison took metronome markings for all the rubato sections (I’d wanted to have a whole different feel for the opening of the song – unlike any other recording that I knew of – so we slowed it down at the beginning and did it rubato). Unfortunately, when Judy heard the track she simply didn’t feel she could sing to it, so I called Susan Egan, who got a tape, learned it in two days and came in and blew the roof off the studio. Just a brilliant vocal. On that very same album I had cast Alet Oury to do Beautiful City/Day By Day. But Alet got sick and couldn’t sing, so I called Laura Benanti and she, too, got a tape, learned the song in a day, and came in and did a great job.

Michael Shayne mentions my talking about how important I think opening numbers are to establish the type of show one is seeing and to set mood, place and feel (I used It’s a Typical Day as an example of a perfect opening number). Michael asks if there are other types of songs that are important in writing a musical, such as the Act One finale or the 11:00 number. Well, I think all the songs in a musical are important, and they should all perform a function of some sort, be it revealing character, moving forward the plot, or whatever. Ends of Act One don’t necessarily need to be songs but they do need to make you want to come back to see the rest of the show. It has become standard to have an “I want” song for the leading character – a song which states what the character wants and hopes and yearns for (a perfect example is Just Around the Riverbend). Michael also asked several questions about opening a cabaret nightclub in Boca Raton. For example, do you pay the performer, do you pay the performer’s airfare and hotel, do you pay the piano player and other musicians and do the performers get a stipend during their stay. I’m sure every nightclub is different. I can tell you, for example, how the Gardenia works here in Los Angeles. I’ve played there many times throughout the 80s. The club paid for nothing. The performer gets the cover charge (in my case I think the cover was fifteen bucks – for Nancy Dussault the other night, it was twenty bucks). So if you had fifty people at twenty bucks you’d make $1,000.00. Out of that, the performer pays the musicians and any other act expenses. The club gets the two drink minimum and the dinner charge. I think the Cinegrill was different however. I think the performers there got some kind of guarantee. I don’t know that they paid people’s airfares, however, but because the club was located in a hotel, they did put them up. I’ll ask Jason Graae this question in his upcoming interview.

Jaime J. Weinman asks if I’ve heard the brand spanking new CD release of Li’l Abner yet. No, I shall be buying it tomorrow and believe me I will have a full report the following day.

Hapgood asks what my opinion of 1776 is. I saw it on Broadway the month it opened and I absolutely loved every minute of it. The production was perfection, as was the cast. Just a great evening of theater. Hapgood also asks if I’ve ever been to Cleveland and if so what did I think? I was in Cleveland for several days back in 1966 and stayed in a hotel on whatever the main street is. I remember seeing The Sand Pebbles and The Bible there, at big 70mm movie theaters. I also remember trying to see Dionne Warkwick and an unknown comedian called Flip Wilson at a place called Leo’s Casino. But Dionne got sick and the show was cancelled. Hapgood asks if I’ve always lived in Southern California. Yes, born and raised in Los Angeles. Have I seen Barbara Cook’s Sondheim, Etc. concert? No, but I’d like to. Next, will dear reader Lolita ever see her musical revived? Doubtful, although I’d pay to see it. Finally, do I have any plans to return to record producing? Well, I’m certain I do, and I’m certain there will be things to announce some day soon, so stay tuned, and that includes you lurkers and searchers out there in the dark.

Sandra asks if I have any interesting ancestors in my family tree? Yes, one – Sir John of Kimmel, who was an inveterate gambler and horse fancier. Unfortunately, he fancied the horses in a way that none of us would rather think about. Sir John of Kimmel was also the noted inventor of the bedpan.

Ron Pulliam found a quote by Walter Kerr from 1968: “A serious and composed young actress who won’t let a line pass without making certain she’s had it in for a private talk and perhaps tea.” Can I guess the identity of the actress? Patty Duke? I have no idea really. Ron also asks if I have and adore the DVD of the Sherman Brothers musical, The Slipper and the Rose. I have and I do.

S. Woody White asks how I define regional theater? I define regional theater as theater which takes place in a region. What do I see as regional theater’s greatest advantages? The performing of new plays, which Broadway seems very loathe to do much of these days. Do I think that New York can have regional theater? Well, it is a region, so I suppose so.

Freedunit sent me the Proust questionnaire, which is sort of like that thing that James Lipton does, that Bernard Tivo thing. I’ll do as many as I can before I fall asleep.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? I would like to think the greatest achievement is still to come, but I’m very proud of having made 130 albums and especially because some of those albums have introduced young folks to music they might not otherwise have known. I’m also very proud of my novel. However, my greatest achievement thus far would have to be my beautiful daughter, Jennifer.

What is your idea of perfect happiness? Spooning on the couch with someone you’re totally comfortable with, watching a movie.

What is your current state of mind? Interesting question, much too difficult to answer right now. Let us just say that currently I am on an incredible rollercoaster ride – some of which is grand fun and some of which is filled with petty annoyances to which I say both tut and phut, not necessarily in that order.

What is your favorite occupation? Again, hard to answer, because I do love doing a variety of things. However, if I must, I would say that I have received much happiness producing 130 albums over the last seven or eight years. I have worked with such incredibly wonderful artists – well, it’s a blessing really. I also had an incredibly wonderful time writing the book.

What is your most treasured possession? Wow. My brain? Oh, if we’re just talking actual items here, I would say I’d have to rank the painting that graces the cover of my book. It was done by Harvey Schmidt because I asked him to do it, and it is beyond beautiful – it transports me back to a time that I remember with much fondness.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? Again, for now, my daughter.

What is your favorite journey? The journey to artistic and financial success.

What is your most marked characteristic? My curiosity and my tenacity.

When and where were you the most happiest? Jeez, these are hard. Who the hell is this Proust anyway? As a child growing up, I was always incredibly happy in a movie theater. It’s what I lived for, really.

What is it that you most dislike? Petty, evil people. People who cause grief to others, especially people who get off on causing grief to others.

What is your greatest fear? Not having terra firma beneath my feet.

What is your greatest extravagance? I guess purchasing DVDs, CDs, art, and books.

What living person do you most despise? Loaded question. I’ll take the 5th.

What is your greatest regret? Not having acted on Broadway.

What talent would you most like to have? The talent to paint.

Where would you like to live? If given my druthers, I’d like to have a house in Los Angeles with a magnificent city view, and I’d like to have a penthouse in Manhattan with a magnificent city view.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being tormented by evil.

What is the quality you most like in a man? I don’t like men very much, there are only a handful of decent ones, you know. I like honesty, humor and non-macho behavior.

What is the quality you most like in a woman? Honesty, humor, warmth and the ability to spoon on the couch like so much fish.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? My sometimes blind trust that I put in people who don’t really deserve it.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Deceit, dishonesty and bad faith.

What do you most value in your friends? One word: Loyalty.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Atticus Finch. Honest, real, and forthright and a wonderful character.

Who are your heroes in real life? Those who enrich the lives of others – those who open the doors of possibility to the young. Man, I’m starting to sound like some New Age Putz, aren’t I?

Which living person do you most admire? Much too hard. I admire so many people. I tend to gravitate towards artists, admiration-wise, so let’s just say Mr. Sondheim, Mr. Schmidt, Mr. Walton and so many others.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? I don’t feel any virtue is overrated.

On what occasions do you lie? Sometimes, very infrequently, I will be less than forthright if I didn’t like a performer or if I see the writers of a show I didn’t love and they ask me what I thought.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Like so much fish, what is it, fish?, well, dear readers, and every other sentence in every BK’s Notes.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would like to be more patient.
What are your favorite names? Rebecca, Rachel, Lily, Sophie, Susan. Funny, all female names.

How would you like to die? Quickly and painlessly.

If you were to die (this is getting awfully morbid) and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Funnily, I would want to come back as me.

What is your motto? There is a wonderful line in Sam Peckinpah’s film, Ride The High Country, spoken by Joel McCrea: All I want to do is enter my house justified. That’s as good a motto as any, I suppose.

Can you believe I just answered the entire Proust questionnaire? I hope some of the answers make sense, and I’m not going to look back and see what I wrote – I shall just post and be done with it.

Well, that was a plethora of posers, wasn’t it? I hope some of my answers suited your various and sundried fancies. If not, you may simply say tut and phut and be done with it.

Today’s topic of discussion: Who are your favorite cabaret performers? You start, because frankly I’m sick of listening to myself type. I’ll join in later today.

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