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June 1, 2002:

DRAWN AND QUARTERED

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, can you believe it? I find it hard to believe myself and yet it is true. What do I find hard to believe and what is true? Why, the fact that it is June, that’s what. Half the year is almost gone – how did that happen? It’s just gone, vanished into thin air, which, I suppose, is better than vanishing into fat air. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, June is bustin’ out all over and I for one am glad because June is going to be a wonderful month – we’ve got the Nudie Musical DVD coming out, we’ve got our very own novel coming out, we’ve got various and sundried things happening all throughout this month known as June. Yes, it’s going to be a glorious month, June is, and anyone who says otherwise needs to change his or her point of view quickly or they shall be drawn and quartered. Yes, if anyone says “otherwise” then they shall be drawn and quartered, not necessarily in that order. First we shall sketch them to the best of our collective abilities and then we will rend that sketch in quarters. That will teach them to say “otherwise”, won’t it? Not only that, but if they continue to say “otherwise” even after we have drawn and then quartered them (perhaps we’ll even draw and half-dollar them, the ungrateful ingrates) then we shall kick them in their kneecaps. That will teach them to say “otherwise” after they’ve been drawn and quartered. I love kicking people in their kneecaps, don’t you? Especially if their knees are wearing Carnaby Street caps, or silly baseball caps, or even tams, or even whitmarks. Yes, it’s June and I would like to know one thing: What the hell am I talking about?

Did you know that May toppled the record set by our record April here at haineshisway.com. Yes, May was our biggest month, traffic-wise – our traffic grew considerably and we must now strive to have June topple May because I like records that are toppled. If you look at our handy-dandy graph, it shows May is much much taller than April and April was, of course, much much taller than every other month prior to it. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Aren’t we just on our way to being the most popular site on all the internet, the place where the jet set hangs out, the place where those in the know pitch their tents, the place where the In Crowd goes to be In, the place where the happening people happen to go – yes, there’s a place for us, a time and place for us and that time and place is here and now and also now and here. And anyone who says otherwise shall be drawn and quartered without delay. You would think anyone would learn not to say otherwise, but some anyones never learn, so damn them all, damn them all to hell and high and low water. So, tell you friends, tell your neighbors, shout it the the men and women in the street – come to haineshisway.com for a good time, for good company and to be a Hainsie/Kimlet in good standing. If they are having doubts about joining our merry throng (as opposed to our merry thong – we abhor thongs as they are unseemly and grotesque), simply tell them that we eat cheese slices and ham chunks religiously. Yes, Virginia, we eat cheese slices and ham chunks religiously – one day we eat them Jewishly, next day Catholically, one day Protestantly, the next day Baptistly. Sometimes we even eat them Mormonly, but only if we’re in Utah.

I hope I am not telling tales out of school, but did you know that our very own dear reader, Lolita, light of my life, fire of my filet mignon, had a slumber party last night and that none of us were invited? I told her that we were all prepared to show up in our collective baby doll pajamas, but that thought frightened her, and if you look like I do in baby doll pajamas, I suppose that fright was not unfounded. In any case, I do hope she’ll come and post and tell us all about the slumber party and tell us if we Hainsies/Kimlets were a topic of discussion.

I have even more news to share, but I can tell by the hands on the clock that it is time to click on the Unseemly Button below. So, let’s all do so immediately so that I can take my hands off the clock.

Have I mentioned that it’s June and that June is bustin’ out all over? Yes, it’s June, June, June, and just because it’s June we must put on our cut-off jeans and tight t-shirts and we must prance and preen around our collective neighborhoods looking tan and buff and toned with abs and buns of steel. Those who say otherwise shall be drawn and quartered and left hung out to dry.

I have been told by those in the know that my brand spanking new handy-dandy Dell computer is on its way and will be here Monday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I’ve also picked up a few of next week’s DVD releases and I shall have some reports for you soon. Some of them I’m really looking forward to, like The Hustler, which I haven’t seen in years. By the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), also coming next week (but they didn’t have them yet) is The Great Race and McCabe and Mrs. Miller. In honor of the latter, I shall play my Mrs. Miller CD.

Well, our regular readers and lurkers out there in the dark know what today is – today is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest contest. Before we get to it, however, if you have been a winner of the contest in the past few weeks, I need you to resend me your addresses, because I have been errant and truant and also truant and errant in sending out sparkling prizes – I don’t need last week’s winner, Allan from the UK, but everyone who hasn’t received their prize from contests prior to that, do send along those addresses and all sparkling prizes will ship out Monday. Well, let’s get right to this week’s question, shall we?

What musical that came to Broadway featured among its creative team someone who would go on to be a major Broadway composer, and in its cast someone who would go on to be an Academy Award-nominated film star, and someone else who would go on to become a beloved television star of a beloved television series. Clue: The composer of this musical had several hit songs all associated with one singer and the star of this musical was fired from a major production of another hugely successful musical.

Name the person who would go on to be a major Broadway composer.
Name the Academy Award-nominated film star
Name the beloved television star
Name the musical

Bonus points to those who can name the people mentioned in the clue.

Good luck to one and all and also all and one. One more clue just because it’s Tony weekend: This musical was a Tony winner in at least one category. Now, if there turn out to be multiple possibilities to this question I will eat a thong.

DO NOT POST THE ANSWERS TO THE SITE or you will be drawn and quartered. You may e-mail them to me at bruce@haineshisway.com or simply use the handy-dandy unseemly Ask Bruce button.

Well, it’s cleaning lady day today, our first cleaning lady day in the month of June. Do you think that when Billie Holiday bathed that that was also cleaning lady day? We do not allow groaning here at haineshisway.com, no matter how feeble the joke or pun. Did you know that pun spelled backwards is nup? Just asking.

Well, dear readers, I must away before I’m given the evil eye. Today’s topic of discussion: Continuing our Tony weekend – yesterday we talked about favorite Tony moments – today let’s talk about Tony’s most egregious moments – the worst of Tony, whether something that appeared on a broadcast or a show or performer that wasn’t nominated or didn’t win over much lesser competition. Post away, you dear readers. We must have lots and lots of posts even though it is a weekend, in order to get June off to a record start. If we do not have lots and lots of posts there will be lots and lots of drawn and quartered dear readers.

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