Haines Logo Text
Column Archive
June 12, 2002:

SPILLING THE BEANS

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, have you got your excellent questions ready? I hope so, because today is Ask BK Day, the day you get to ask me any old question your heart desires. And I will answer your excellent questions because if I didn’t wouldn’t that be a fine kettle of cheese slices and ham chunks. There your questions would be, dangling in the air like so much fish, and as you can imagine, we simply cannot have dangling questions, because that would be unseemly. It’s bad enough having the occasional dangling participle, whatever the hell that is. But we shall have no dangling questions here at haineshisway.com. You will ask and I will answer. You may give me the third degree or even the fifth degree or you may give me a Bachelor’s degree or even a married person’s degree and I will not fold under the pressure of whatever various and sundried degrees you give me. I will set the record straight if need be, because frankly how can you play a crooked record? I can’t even play any record because my fershluganah turntable is on the fritz. Of course, my turntable and fritz are very close so it’s entirely appropriate. Do you even think we should speak of the relationship of my turntable and fritz? Isn’t that their business? Well, no matter, I’ve already spilled the beans and now everyone knows that my turntable is on the fritz and that fritz likes having the turntable on him. Who wouldn’t? Fritz is dashing and is desired by turntables everywhere. You know, I must pause here and ask the following question: What the hell am I talking about?

There are now beans all over my nice kitchen floor because I spilled the beans. This is what happens when you spill the beans, so I don’t spill the beans very often, because who wants to clean up a bunch of beans lying on the floor like so much fish? Did you know that my old laptop computer is on the fritz? Fritz, I must say, is getting a lot more action than I am.

Last night, for fun, I listened to the commentary track for Mr. Sidney Lumet’s The Verdict. It’s advertised on the package as Audio Commentary by Sidney Lumet and Paul Newman. Mr. Lumet has many interesting things to say about the making of the film and his choices. As to Mr. Paul Newman, he enters the commentary track about fifteen minutes before the end of the film and he speaks for exactly four minutes. It’s too bad because it would have been fun to hear him say more than he does. But it’s worth it to hear Mr. Lumet, so if you’ve gotten the disc you should give the commentary a listen.

I had a friend over the other day and we were doing some work in the back yard – I don’t mean we were mowing or hoeing or plowing or anything like that, no, we were doing actual work work, and my friend saw the singing bird and was amazed at how good this bird, in fact, was. We both feel that this bird could have a major career in musical theater, if only someone would write a role for a singing bird. What is with these new composers anyway? These damn show people just don’t know from birds. While we were out there doing our work, this bird did the entire score to Kean. I mean, it was brilliant. And it’s not as if this bird isn’t a comely bird, in fact I would say this bird is extremely comely. It has a beautiful blue streak on its tummy and is very graceful. When it does some Bob Fosse choreography, which it likes to do every now and then, it wows me every time, especially when it does Steam Heat. It does Steam Heat alone, it doesn’t even need two other birds to do the other parts, that’s how good this bird is. Where is David Merrick when you need him? If David Merrick were alive, we’d have not only Bye Bye Birdie, we’d have Hello, Birdie. If only we’d had Sweet Smell of the Bird we might have had a hit instead of a show doing a quick and painful foldo. Anyway, if Jason Robert Brown or any of the other up-and-coming composers are reading these here notes, get off your butt cheeks and write a show for this bird.

Well, I think we should all get off our various and sundried butt cheeks and click on that Unseemly Button below before we have any dangling questions or spill some more beans.

Well, I do need to wrap up these notes quickly because I have a very busy day today. Shall I wrap up these notes in paper? Shall I wrap up these notes in Saran-wrap or would they stay fresher if I wrapped them in Reynolds Wrap? Or perhaps I should rap these notes up. Yes, that’s a wonderful idea.

Well, these notes are crap
So I’m gonna rap
With a gansta rhythm
And some rhymes within ’em
When the notes are da pits
And they’re on da fritz
Give me rap suggestions
And no dangling questions

Yes, I think a rap version of these notes is a fine idea and isn’t that an authentic gangsta rap? Doesn’t that sound like that excellent rapper, Snoop Doggy Feldman?

In any case, I am going to wrap and rap these notes up because tomorrow’s notes are always so endlessly long, because I do like to pontificate when I answer your excellent questions. I do like to go on ad nauseum. Have I mentioned that there will be no dangling questions, that I will answer everything to the best of my ability with liberty and justice for all? I will spill the beans, dear readers, even though I have already spilled them. There will be beans, beans and more beans, spilled everywhere. There will be a veritable plethora of spilled beans. Unless, of course, the beans are on the fritz.

Well, dear readers, I must away, I must take the day, I must do the things I do on a Wednesday. Perhaps I shall do some things I do on a Friday, too, just to be contrary. I look forward to all your excellent questions, and do remember that no one should answer any questions here on the site. The punishment for doing so will be a round of bitch-slapping and then a square of bitch-slapping and then, perhaps, even a rectangle of bitch-slapping. And then, on top of that, we will dangle your question for all to see. Won’t that be a fine kettle of you-know-what. Ask away, my pretties.

Search BK's Notes Archive:
 
© 2001 - 2024 by Bruce Kimmel. All Rights Reserved