Well, dear readers, yesterday I called my fancy shmancy hair stylist, Teddy, to whom I’ve been going for over thirty years. And do you know what I found out? Well, I’ll tell you what I found because I simply cannot keep any information, especially that regarding Teddy, from you. I found out that for the second time in our over thirty year history, Teddy is gone for an extended amount of time, once again on tour with David Bowie. Which means I won’t be seeing Teddy until November or thereabouts. Which means I have to have someone else at least trim my hair because it is looking most unseemly these days. Luckily, Mr. Grant Geissman’s wife, Mrs. Grant Geissman, is a hair stylist and she has agreed to do the trimming of the hair. Hopefully that will do the trick until Teddy returns. May I just say that I am very angry with Mr. David Bowie for taking Teddy away like this? How selfish that David Bowie is to deprive us needy people in Los Angeles, California of Teddy’s services for such a long period of time. I’m of a mind to call Mr. David Bowie and when he answers, hang up on him. Wouldn’t that teach him a lesson? But it would be a Hollow Victory, do you hear me, it would be a Hollow Victory. Have you ever had a Hollow Victory? I’m afraid they’re rather stupid as victories go, but if people enjoy them who am I to say nay? However, I shall not be calling Mr. David Bowie and hanging up on him, because while it might be enjoyable for the moment, it would be a Hollow Victory. Here in the San Fernando Valley, we not only have Hollow Victory, we also have Hollow Moorpark, Hollow Sherman Way and Hollow Roscoe. I know that last sentence will be lost on you non-San Fernando Valley people, but since I am in the San Fernando Valley I found it most amusing – I chuckled three times and giggled once. Then I ate a cheese slice.
Last night I dreamed I was at Manderley.
My dream was a corker, let me tell you that. In my dream, I was shooting baskets on a basketball court. Now, those who know me know that only in a dream would I be shooting baskets on a basketball court, because fifty-four year old Jews don’t look right shooting baskets on a basketball court. As I was shooting baskets on a basketball court, I met a professional basketball player – a Caucasion who was 7’8 inches tall. I came up to just above his waist, so maybe he was even taller than that. In fact, I’d say he was the tallest Caucasion professional dream basketball player who ever lived (at least in a dream). We playfully shot some baskets together, but I couldn’t keep up because all he had to do was walk up to the basket and drop the ball through it. Hardly cricket, but then we were playing basketball so what did cricket have to do with anything? In any case, there we were, minding our own business, when two bullies came up and challenged us to a game. I didn’t want to play, being a fifty-four year old Jew and all, but we agreed anyway. Before we started, these bullies wheeled in a dangerous-looking machine, which they set up. We got very nervous that this machine was somehow Nuclear, and we threatened to turn these bullies in to the authorities. They merely laughed at us and told us the machine was not Nuclear, not dangerous at all, that it was, in fact, a telecine machine. Now, what these two bullies were doing on a basketball court with a telecine machine is not known to me at this time, because at the very moment I was going to find out the answer to that most interesting question, the phone rang and I was awakened from my dream. Wasn’t that an interesting dream? Wasn’t that just too too? I have no idea what any of it meant, but it was probably just the result of the intensely annoying headache I had last night.
Did you know that at amazon.com we finally broke the top two hundred best selling DVDs? I posted that information yesterday, but am posting it again today because I was so giddy with happiness. Of course, it was a Hollow Victory because today we are back at 212 or something, but yesterday we managed to get to 176. Did you also know that at amazon.com they say that people who have bought The First Nudie Musical on DVD have also purchased Citizen Kane on DVD? What a fine double bill that would make, after all they do have something in common, which is the directors of both films were but a mere twenty-seven when they made them. Did you know that amazon.com also raised the price of the DVD, so that it is now cheaper (cheaper, do you hear me?) to purchase a signed copy here than a non-signed copy there?
My goodness, this first section has become unwieldy, hasn’t it? I look at this first section and I think “unwieldy” immediately. Well, let us combat this unseemly unwieldiness by clicking on the unwieldy Unseemly Button. If something can be “unwieldy” can something else be “wieldy”? Isn’t “wieldy” a Jerry Lewis word? Okay, let’s all put on our Jerry Lewis voices and say unwieldy as we click on the Unseemly Button below. On the count of three: One, two, three: Unwieldy as we click on the Unseemly Button below.
I have been on a crash diet, dear readers, so I can look svelte and suave at our signings this weekend. Do you think there’s a letter missing from “svelte”? Shouldn’t there be a letter between the “s” and “v”? Somebody was in a hurry, word-wise, is what I think and took a shortcut with “svelte”. In any case, I am on a crash diet. It’s an interesting diet, a crash diet is – on this diet you crash into things and then supposedly lose weight. I get up each morning and crash into a few walls on my way to the kitchen. Later, while I’m out and about and also about and out, whilst walking I occasionally crash into a pole or two, and sometimes even a czech or two. Is writing a check to a Czech redundant? So far I haven’t lost any weight on my crash diet, but I do have several nice bruises – I call them Bruce’s Bruises. I feel this entire paragraph has a Eugene Ionesco quality to it, don’t you, dear readers?
Well, we all know what today is, don’t we? Today is Ask BK Day, the day you get to ask all of your excellent questions. Ask anything, and I shall answer to the best of my ability. Said answers will appear in tomorrow’s notes.
We are in the final push to get June ahead of May, traffic-wise. Push, I say, push. Harder. We must push – if we push we will win. Let us put on a final burst of speed and overtake May. Right now, according to the handy-dandy haineshisway.com chart, we are neck and neck with May, we are, in fact, tied with May. Well, that is simply unacceptable. We must, at the very least, be elbow and elbow with May rather than neck and neck and we must untie our tie with May and we must beat May and show May just who is who and what is what. It may be a Hollow Victory, but still we want to keep up, Hollow Victory-wise.
In any case, I must take the day, I must do the things I do. I have a few packages to ship, I have some things to crash into so I can lose some weight on my crash diet, I have to call David Bowie and hang up when he answers – so much to do in so few hours. So, ask your excellent questions and remember – don’t answer any questions here on the site – leave them to the likes of me and the likes of me will answer them all. Ask away, my pretties.