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July 11, 2002:

THE EPHEMERA OF OUR DAILY LIVES

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, I have answered all your excellent questions, although there weren’t all that many to answer (several prominent posters went missing). If they do get questions in after I’ve posted these here notes, then I’ll answer them during the day.

I had a very nice day yesterday, a marked improvement from the day before. I ate quite a large dinner at a Mexican restaurant called Casa Vega. By the end of the meal I wanted to vomit on the table – I literally could not move. I was stuffed to the gills is what I was. It was ever so disgusting to be me after that fine meal.

Then I watched the first half of a film entitled Innerspace, with Dennis Quaid, Martin Short and Meg Ryan. I do like lots of this film, but like most of Joe Dante’s films it just gets too silly for its own good. I’ll watch the rest of it later tonight. I’m also going to see Minority Report tonight, and I shall have a full Minority report for you tomorrow.

Has anyone noticed that today’s notes are just a bunch of pleasantries and that they are filled with what I affectionately like to call the ephemera of our lives? I just blather on and on about inconsequential things because that is what I do. I am just killing time until the answers to your questions appear. Yes, Virginia, I am perpetrating a homicide on time, I am killing fershluganah time, because I do not have a single thought inside my head at the moment. I did have some thoughts in my head but they deserted me like rats on a sinking ship. Therefore I am murdering time with pleasantries and the ephemera of our daily lives.

Oh, perhaps we should just move on to the answers to your excellent questions before I put myself to sleep. Let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below and see what the next section has to offer. Perhaps it will offer your username and password – although I will never ask you for either item.

Well, haven’t we wasted enough time with pleasantries and the ephemera of our daily lives? I do believe we have, and so by gum and by golly let us get to your excellent questions.

Ben asks if I have any more information on my impending publicity trip to New York for the signing at Footlight Records. I’m afraid I have been errant and truant, but I’ll be talking to them this week and will try to lock down a date. Have you ever tried to lock down a date, especially if the date doesn’t want to be locked down? Worse that trying to lock down a date is trying to lock down a fig or worse yet, a fig Newton. In any case, there are so many things happening at once it’s been hard to clear a date that works. But as soon as I know, you’ll know.

Donna quote Miss Rosalind Russell in Wonderful Town and asks what do I think of the USA, NRA, TVA? What do I think of our Mother’s Day? Well, to start with the latter I think it’s fine that all mothers have a day – and not only the mothers of children, but all the other mothers out there (you know who you are). As to the USA, it is a fine place except for the periodic goofballs one must deal with. As to the NRA, I like the New Roman Alphabet very much, and the TVA (Truly Vicious Athletes), I think they should be drummed out of the athletic association.

Lolita asks what exactly is the page limit for a novella. I don’t believe it has anything to do with pages, because a small amount of words can be stretched over a large amount of pages – it has to do with word count. I had the exact word count for a novella, but I can’t find it. My memory is that it was in the 30,000 words range and that anything above was considered a novel. My novel, for example, is 49,401 words. That is a novel according to those in the know. I once mentioned that I’d been thinking about writing a mystery – did I have a plot worked out? I did. It was going to be a mystery set in the world of Broadway. A huge Broadway diva is murdered during a comeback tour of her most famous vehicle. Who could have done it? Everyone hated her, so everyone is a suspect. I had the murderer (it was very clever) but hadn’t worked out much beyond that, including who the amateur sleuth would have been (maybe the stage manager, maybe a press rep, who knows). I just couldn’t get with it, frankly. What are my favorite kind of M&Ms? The kind with almonds in them. What time period would I like to live in other than now? That’s hard – I think it might have been fun to be around in the mid-twenties – to be a real Tin Pan Alley songwriter, or even a silent filmmaker. What color are my suitcases? I know you will find this hard to believe but I have no suitcases. I travel with one count them one overnight bag. If I’m going to be somewhere for any length of time, I Fed Ex a box of whatever clothing I’ll need.

Michael Shayne asks what my favorite studio lot to work on was, and what was my fondest memory or sight working at that studio? Well, I was fortunate enough to work on most of the big lots during the seventies. My films were shot at Raleigh Studios (then Producers Studio) and The Culver Studios (then Laird Studios). The most interesting thing about Laird (now Culver Studios) was that when we wrapped editing, my office was taken over by the editing team of a little film called A Boy’s Life. That little film was later retitled E.T. Before it was retitled, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo), I received a call from Universal (well, my commercial agent received a call) asking for a buyout on a commercial I was in – to be used in a film. They offered us $1,000.00 and we accepted. The film was then called A Boy’s Life. The rest is history. It is nice to be in one of the most successful films of all time, even for the two seconds in which I appear (in the phone company commercial which gives ET the idea to “phone home”). The two lots I worked most on were Paramount and the Columbia Ranch in Burbank. The first television show I guest-starred in was on the Paramount lot. I can’t tell you the feeling as a twenty-two year old, driving on that lot and actually becoming a professional actor. I’d always loved Paramount films more than any other studios. I was in awe. As I made my way to the stage we were shooting on I passed Michael Connors, who was shooting Mannix on the lot. He waved at me and smiled and I felt like I had a new home. What is the difference between the various color processes (such as Technicolor, DeLuxe, Metrocolor, Eastmancolor, Pathecolor, etc.) and what is my preference? Well, after 1954 or so when three-strip Technicolor gave up the ghost, all those processes were basically the same in terms of the camera negative – all Eastman. It was the printing process that differed in the case of Technicolor. Tech used a imbibition dye transfer printing process that yielded the most dense lustrous and extraordinary color ever. With the added benefit that Tech prints never ever faded, whereas Eastman prints, prior to 1980ish, did. In 1980ish, Eastman came up with LPP film stock and that stock hasn’t been prone to fading. As a kid (and I just yesterday wrote about this) I only liked Technicolor – I thought Color by DeLuxe was drab and I didn’t like the name. In the seventies, Technicolor sold all their imbibition machines to Red China because it wasn’t cost effective doing small print runs, which is all movies had in those days. The last imbibition dye transfer film that was printed in Technicolor was, I believe, either Chinatown or Godfather II. Had Technicolor only been able to see three years into the future and to Star Wars, they would have known that suddenly they would be getting orders for 2000 or 3000 prints rather than three hundred prints. And they would have thrived, let me tell you. I’m told that there is now a working imbibition machine at Technicolor and that certain films have been printed that way recently.

Craig has his usual mountain of questions. One of Craig’s pet peeves (I wonder if his pet peeve is trained or if it poops on the floor) are DVD chapter stops with spoilers. He asks how I feel about that. Well, I hate that, because if there are spoiler chapter stops and I haven’t seen the movie, they can spoil things. However, that said, I never look at the list of chapter stops. How did I decide where to place the chapter stops on Nudie Musical. They were placed by Ana Barredo, my production coordinator at Image Entertainment, and then approved by my very own self. She did a fine job and she also titled them, with a little input from me. Can I go into how our DVD was created, in terms of menu design, the rolling donut, the insert, etc. Did I work with the animator – and were other versions shown to me. I didn’t work with the animator – he came up with the design and showed it to me and I thought it clever and very amusing (the dildo being chased by the logo). The rolling donut was his idea too, but the actual donut was mine – I bought it at Winchell’s, photographed it, sent it to him, and then ate the donut. I left the packaging almost totally to them and then just made a few comments here and there. The only thing I told them from the start was that I wanted it to be fun and clever and they delivered that in spades, I think. Since I love time travel stories, what was my take on Back To the Future? And Time after Time? And was I a fan of Quantum Leap? I love Back to the Future – I found it a virtually perfect script and I thought it was beautifully realized. I also really enjoyed Time after Time, just a wonderful movie with wonderful performances from Malcolm McDowell (his best, I think, or at least his most charming), Mary Steenburgen and David Warner. I’ve never seen Quantum Leap – at the time it went on the air I was no longer watching series television. What in my childhood got me the worst punishment, and what in my childhood was I most proud of having accomplished? Well, in my pre-teen years I suppose the worst punishment (and I can’t recall the misdeed that warranted it) was not getting to watch Zorro – that was really upsetting). Most proud accomplishment as a child – doing my first public performance as an actor, at camp as The Pied Piper of Hamelin. My only memory is that it was done around a swimming pool. Do I like carnivals, street fairs, fringe festivals? Oh, I have tolerated them, but I’m not a huge fan of those types of events. I’ve been on both sides of the art vs. commerce battle – Can I name an instance when I had to sacrifice the business side for the artistic? Not really – one simply never knows what will sell and what won’t. One can guess, but it’s all fate. We all thought Unsung Irving Berlin would be a tremendous hit – all those never before heard Berlin songs in a beautiful two CD package. No one cared. There was no predicting that – it was disappointing but what can you do? We all thought that Michelle Nicastro’s Toonful album would do well, but we had no idea it would do as well as it ultimately did – no one could have predicted that either. Have I ever sacrificed the artistic for the business. No, I would hope not. Even if I had to compromise because of a budget, I never ever skimped on quality – I just sometimes had to find clever solutions, which I’m happy to say I did more often than not. What is one thing that you probably don’t know about me that would surprise you? I was a huge wrestling fan as a kid. I used to go every single week (my father got press seats in the first row). If I were a superhero what would be my special super power – but it can’t be flying (how poopy of you), strength or invisibility. Well, my superpower would be the ability to eat as much as I damn well please and never gain weight. That would be a fine super power. Since Guy Haines “borrowed” my singing style is that the reason I no longer sing? Well, yes, why bother really, when someone has usurped your singing style. I mean, really, damn them, damn them all to hell. Have Guy and I ever thought of doing a duet? Heavens no, who would want to be in a booth with him at the same time. All he does is swing his fershluganah racquet, and I could get injured. What fad items did/do I own? Well I certainly owned a slinky and a hula-hoop. I currently own a spud gun, a Godzilla bubble maker and several other cool things, which I keep in my cool things case. Finally, Craig asks when in tarnation our first handy-dandy celebrity interview is going up? Well, I am happy to inform you that our premiere interview with Hairspray’s very own Kerry Butler will be up for your perusal one week from Friday. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? We will have a whole new section here at haineshisway.com – The Unseemly Interview Section, and Miss Butler’s interview is a total delight.

Tom from Oz asks whatever happened to the Kander and Ebb musical of The Skin of Our Teeth, Over and Over? Well, I believe it’s been shelved after its initial production at the Signature, which I gather was not very good. There doesn’t seem to be any forward momentum on The Visit either – a shame. It would be fun to have a new Kander and Ebb musical on Broadway.

Kerry mentions that one of the CDs that I produced was a joint production between Varese Sarabande and the other label I created. What was the reason for that and how does such a collaboration work? Actuall, there were no joint productions – Varese was the distributor of the label I created, and as distributor had their logo on all our CDs. Kerry also mentions that he typed a rather lengthy post about the Nudie Musical DVD, but forgot to put his name in the name box, and when he sent it it was kicked back to him, only his post had completely disappeared. He would like to know who to bitch-slap for such a thing. Certainly it is a question for Mr. Mark Bakalor, who knows from such things. I don’t know from such things but the same thing has happened to me after I’d typed an entire notes one day – it just got obliterated somehow. Kerry also wants to know who came up with the quirky Varese Sarabande logo? I believe it was one of the original owners of the company, Dub Taylor, and I believe it was some sort of ink-blot thing he did. When I created the Spotlight Series I had them add a top hat to it along with a spotlight. What lyrics do I consider to be the height of pithy? Well, certainly You Must Meet My Wife from A Little Night Music has pith. And I’m told that much of Urinetown has pith, put that is only natural. Did my brother and I ever have one argument that really put me over the edge? Oh, we had several altercations which put me over the edge, but I’ll save them for another time and another place, if you get my drift.

S. Woody White asks what the proper response is that one should give when finding out about the passing away of a person one really didn’t like at all. I believe the proper and appropriate response is to put on a pointy party hat and colored tights and pantaloons and immediately do the Pudding Dance.

Sandra asks if I will name a character after her in the musical I’m writing. Well, I might have several months ago, but alas, all the characters have names now and Sandra isn’t amongst them. Next time, though.

Well, that was a fine lot of questions, wasn’t it? I do hope you enjoyed the answers, and if you need any further illumination, just ask in today’s posts and I shall do my best to accommodate.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must go hither and thither and also yon and frankly I feel we must all get back to the daily ephemera of our lives. Today’s topic of discussion: What is your favorite amusement park ride you’ve ever been on, and why? It can be from your childhood or your adulthood or merely from your hood hood. Post away, my pretties.

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