Well, dear readers, I finally got the good night of sleep I needed – I slept ten hours. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? I finally awoke because the bird was outside my window, singing “Wake up, wake up, you sleepy head, get up, get up, get out of bed” from Benjamin Kritzer’s favorite, When the Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbin’ Along. What did Bob do, do you suppose, to get his name in a song? Why, for example, isn’t it Come Jim Jim Jimmin’ Along, or even Bert, Bert, Berttin’ Along? I want to know what Bob did to get his name in that song, damn them all, damn them all to hell. Not only that, but when a woman gets her hair bobbed there he is again. That fershluganah Bob has got a Red Red Robin Bob Bob Bobbin’ and he’s got a hairdcut, a bob. Well, Bob, I’m not having my hair bobbed, what do you think of that, you great flying oaf? I’m having my hair Steved, what do you think of that, you great flying oaf? What the hell am I talking about? This is what happens when you sleep ten hours.
How many of you dear readers have discovered classmates.com? Raise your hands. Whoever thought of classmates.com was very clever and will probably make a ton of money. It’s a stunningly simple idea – people can come to the website for free, they can fill out all their school information for free, so that their name appears with all the other classmates from their various and sundried schools. And then people who haven’t seen each other for years can e-mail each other. And there’s the clever part – you can’t actually e-mail the person unless you become a Gold Member, which does cost money, but not all that much. However, just think of how brilliant this really is – everyone has gone to school – all those years, all those cities and states around the country, millions of classes over the years. Can you imagine if only ten percent of the people who registered at classmates.com paid to be a Gold Member? If you haven’t seen the site, it’s worth a visit, although like most of these kinds of sites, there are pop-up windows which I hate with a passion. In fact, I hate them with Stephen Sondheim’s Passion. I’m still in touch with a tiny handful of people I went to school with, but in browsing I did see a handful of names that intrigued me, so I joined and dropped the handful of names an e-mail. Thus far, I have had no responses. Damn them, damn them all to hell. I’ll keep you posted, of course, and perhaps we’ll do a joint interview with all my school chums in our new handy-dandy Unseemly Interview Section which, by the way (BTW, in Internet lingo) premieres just two days from now with a wonderful interview with Hairspray’s very own Kerry Butler.
Have I mentioned that I got ten hours of glorious sleep? Perhaps to celebrate I’ll go have a Bob’s Big Boy. Now, wait just a darned minute. There’s that Bob again. Always butting in. Everywhere I go, there’s a bob. Well, I’ve got the perfect antidote to Bob – let’s just spell his name backwards, that will show the great flying oaf. Bob – there what do you think of that, Bob? Oh. Bob spelled backwards is Bob. You see, you see? I can see now that there is a plan afoot here to Bobize the world. Not only is there a plan afoot, there’s a plan ahand as well.
Well, perhaps we all better click on that Unseemly Button below, yesiree Bob. Yesiree Bob? I can’t believe it. Enough with the Bob already.
Tonight I shall be going to my friend Grant Geissman’s house for dinner. I wonder what we’ll be having to eat? Maybe we’ll have shiska-bob. Shiska-bob? It’s bad enough that fershluganah Bob got his name used again, but what in tarnation is a shiska. A shiksa I know, but a shiska? Oh, well, as my Brit friend Nick Redman would say, “Bob’s your uncle.”
Well, today is Wednesday, dear readers, and you know what that means. That means it is no longer Tuesday and it isn’t yet Thursday. It is also the day that you get to ask me all your excellent questions. And I, as ever, am ready to answer said questions in an honest and forthright manner. I shall hold nothing back, unless “nothing” does something I don’t like, in which case I will hold “nothing” back. Do try to have your questions in by ten p.m. Eastern time.
As you know, we have had many many many (that is three manys – some would say too many manys – some would say there are two too many manys and two too many manys is simply too too) topics of discussions here at haineshisway.com. Would you like to know what the most popular has been – the one that keeps coming up even in other topics of discussion? Well, I will tell you, because who am I to keep such information from you? Donuts – that has been our most popular topic of discussion. Do you know that if any of us had invented donuts we would have become nabobs. Oh, no, not again. Bob is everywhere, he is omnipresent or omnipotent or one of those omni words. In fact, he is omnibob.
Well, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must put on my bobby socks, put some bobby pins in my hair and then I must get in my automobile because there are people to see and places to go. I look forward to seeing your excellent questions. We haven’t even tapped the surface, question-wise – for example, no one has asked my opinion on bobsleds. Or what I think of the bobcat. Ask away, my pretties and tomorrow all your questions will be answered. Don’t even think about not asking a question, or I shall have to call a bobby, shan’t I?