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August 27, 2002:

SKIMMING THE NOTES

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, if it’s Tuesday they must be mowing. So much mowing, so little time. Did you know that I bought a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing with zero count them zero grams of fat? And last night I thought I’d have a very nice salad with my Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing with zero grams of fat. Well, I opened that bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing with zero grams of fat and I stuck my finger in said bottle and tasted what was within it (Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing with zero grams of fat, in case you’ve forgotten). Well, let me tell you I have not tasted too many things that were worse than what I tasted from that bottle, dear readers. I immediately tossed that bottle in the trash because zero grams of fat notwithstanding, no one should have to eat something with a taste so heinous (heinous, do you hear me?). Blechhh, I say, and blechhh I say again. That dressing should stay Hidden on the Hidden Valley Ranch and not darken my door again. I shall simply have to endure the fat grams of regular Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing and that is all there is to that. Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is, my friends, then let’s keep dancing. Let’s break out the cheese slices and ham chunks, and have a ball. If that’s all there is.

Well, that was a fine example of an opening paragraph, wasn’t it? Yesterday I lunched with Dear Reader Mark Rothman and do you know what he told me? He told me he occasionally skims through some of these here notes because there’s a bit of repetition in the way I write them. He told me he occasionally skims through some of these here notes because there’s a bit of repetition in the way I write them. I don’t know what in tarnation he’s talking about. That’s called style, baby – we are stylin’ here at haineshisway.com and one must never skim over any of these here notes (or heaven forbid, skip them to get to the topic of discussion) because if you skim you are not stylin’. And we are stylin’, let me tell you that. And frankly, or even hermanly, I am jiggy with that. Oh, yes, I am jiggy with that.

Well, we have a nice surprise for you, dear readers. Yes, Virginia, we have a nice surprise for you so let’s all click on the Unseemly Button below to find out what it is. Of course, if you’re skimming the notes you might miss it.

We had three count them three High Winners of this week’s Unseemly Trivia Contest. I think this week’s sparkling prize will be a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing with zero grams of fat. Here was the question:

One hugely unsuccessful musical that featured two successful stars, also featured three kids in the show, two of whom would go on to illustrious careers, and one of whom would go on to a less-illustrious but still nice career. One of the kids would go on to star in a hugely successful Broadway musical, one of the kids would go on to star in a hugely successful film, which in turn spawned a successful television program and the third kid would go on to do the road company of a hugely successful musical, playing a leading role with an incredibly show-stopping powerhouse musical number.
Name the flop musical.
Name the two successful stars of the flop musical.
Name the three kids and the shows and/or film referenced for each.

And the handy-dandy answers are:

The flop musical: Maggie Flynn

The two successful stars of the flop musical: Shirley Jones and Jack Cassidy

The three kids and the referenced shows: Stephanie Mills (The Wiz), Irene Cara (Fame) and Sharon Brown (Dreamgirls).

Our Highest Winners are David Burrows, Steve Gurey and Michael Shayne – and our Electronic Hat has randomly chosen Mr. David Burrows as our Highest Winner. If he will send along his handy-dandy address, I promise to get all errant and truant sparkling prizes out tomorrow.

Do you know what Dear Reader Mark Rothman told me? He told me he occasionally skims through some of these here notes because there’s a bit of repetition in the way I write them. I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about, do you?

Well, isn’t our nice surprise splendid. I hope all of you will take part. See, Mark Rothman is sitting there scratching his head and scrolling up to see if he skimmed over our nice surprise announcement. That is what happens when you skim these here notes. You might just miss a kernel of important information, or you might miss a Colonel of important information. You must read every word very carefully and you must digest it very carefully, especially if you’ve had Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing with zero grams of fat.

So, you asked for it and you are getting it: Tomorrow Ask BK Day will take a hiatus, and we will have our very first Ask GH Day, wherein you get to ask the elusive Guy Haines all the excellent questions you’ve ever wanted to ask. He did mention to me that he hopes that crazy person Craig Brockman will not do his usual ten count them ten questions. So, tomorrow is Ask GH Day here at haineshisway.com. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Are we not stylin’?

Have I mentioned that Mr. Mark Rothman told me he occasionally skims through some of these here notes because there’s a bit of repetition in the way I write them? Oh, I forgot to tell you where we lunched and what I ate – we lunched at Du-Par’s and I had a bacon, lettuce, tomato and avocado (BLTA, in Internet lingo) sandwich, which was quite tasty.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must get in my automobile and drive downtown whilst listening to Miss Petula Clark’s version of same, I must go to the big downtown library where I will be looking at microfiche (very small fish with a fancy spelling) all the livelong day. I checked with the person I needed to check with and the person I needed to check with has checked with the people he needed to check with and I will indeed be able to make a couple of very important announcements within the next week. So, stay tuned, come back often, post aplenty, take part, come out of the woodwork if that is where you are currently lurking, and let’s have a big push as this month comes to an end. We must not let down now or we will not best our best month of July. It will be close, dear readers, oh, yes, it will be close. Today’s topic of discussion: Back to Tin Pan Alley and classic singers – what are your favorite songs of the following divas (only one song allowed) – Rosemary Clooney, Barbra Streisand, Petula Clark, Doris Day, and Helen Reddy. I’ll start – Rosemary Clooney, I’d have to choose her version of Hey There – just one of the smoothest vocals I’ve ever heard. Barbra Streisand, a tie between Have I Stayed to Long at the Fair and Autumn. Petula Clark, this one is really hard but I’ll choose Don’t Sleep on the Subway, which I adore. Doris Day, Whatever Will Be, Will Be. Helen Reddy, her absolutely incandescent recording of You and Me Against the World. Your turn.

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