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November 2, 2002:

THE MINI-MOMENTOUS DAY

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, don’t ask me how it happened, because I don’t know it happened, but here we are, writing notes number 365. Now, you’d think that would signify a year, and yet our actual one year anniversary is not until November 9th. However, given the vagaries of The Way Things Work here at haineshisway.com, somehow these are the 365th notes and so we are having part one of our handy-dandy anniversary celebration today – a mini celebration but a celebration nonetheless. So, we must all don our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons, and we must break out the cheese slices and the ham chunks. We must dance the Hora until the cows come home, and after the cows come home we must dance the Twist and the Bugaloo. Oh, what fun we shall all have, and we shall regale each other with tales of the South Pacific. We shall regale each other with a tale of two cities or perhaps even three cities, for we have all been through so much together. On our real anniversary, I shall be going into a bit more detail about all that we’ve been through together, so be sure to alert the media and any merry searchers who might want some new things to search for. It’s going to be non-stop merriment and mirth and laughter and legs from now until our big, big, big (that is three bigs) anniversary on November 9th.

Last night I watched the brand spanking new DVD of a motion picture entitled Spiderman. I know this film was a huge hit at the box-office so I was looking forward to seeing it. It’s quite enjoyable on certain levels, and on other levels it’s quite annoying. The enjoyable levels are Toby Maguire’s performance, as well as Kirstin Dunst’s performance – both are winning and likable. And isn’t it wonderful that the director cast Cliff Robertson and Rosemary Harris, both of whom bring solid dignity along with him. Which is more than I can say for Mr. J.K. Simmons, an actor I normally like, but who is here doing a rather bad impression of Jackie Cooper in Superman by way of Jerry Orbach in anything. The writing is especially bad in his scenes, so it’s not all his fault. Now that I’ve brought up Superman, this movie is rather shameless in its Superman, The Movie ripoffs, but they are what works best about it. What I found annoying was the villain played by Willem Dafoe. Mr. Dafoe has a good time doing it, but I just didn’t like the whole costume and conception of it – he looks like some surfer gone amok – I wish they’d gone a different route, but you know it made a billion dollars so who am I? And I am so weary of overdone CGI effects, which are now becoming as obvious as the blue screen of old. If only they wouldn’t overdo them, they’d work better. But they’re so into it they can’t stop showing off – several CGI shots in Spiderman border on really awful. And while we’re on the subject of awful, I almost took the disc out during the end credits and threw it in the trash. Why? Because of the two count them two crass disgusting terrible wretched pop songs they have the temerity to insert over the credit scroll. Who are these stupid cretins? One song, Hero, is simply dreadful – did someone think they were going to get a “hit” out of it? And the other song is a fershluganah rap song. I mean, really, let us banish the “music supervisor” from the world of motion pictures. It totally ruins whatever mood has been established by the filmmakers and the film’s actual composer, Mr. Danny Elfman. A pox on those songs. Still, even with its problems, I enjoyed it.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Don’t I have excellent questions to answer? Aren’t we having a mini-celebration?

Perhaps we’d all better click on the Unseemly Button below before some music supervisor slaps an awful song over these here notes.

Whew, we escaped the dreaded music supervisor, just in the nick of time. Did you know that we may have a new family member? I am having a trial weekend visit with the potential new family member and I shall have a full report for you shortly. And now, on to your excellent questions without further delay.

Ron Pulliam asks if I can interpret this lyric from The Music That Makes Me Dance intro: “And as far as the man is concerned, if I’ve been burned, I haven’t learned”. Well, let’s see – if the girl has been burned she hasn’t learned not to be burned as far as the man is concerned. Now, to me, the “man” is the police. In other words, if we think of the singer as someone living in South Central, then the lyric makes perfect sense. “Hey, as far as the man is concerned, if I’ve been burned, I haven’t learned, you dig me?” I believe the song was originally written for a musical version of Go Tell it On The Mountain, and when that wasn’t done, Bob Merrill simply recycled it for Funny Girl, thinking no one would notice.

Jose asks when it comes to “reduced orchestras, would I rather hear a totally live orchestra, or one supplemented by synths and/or electronic means? It really depends on who is orchestrating. If it’s someone who doesn’t get the synergy, then it can sound cheesy and slick in all the wrong ways. If it’s someone like Harold Wheeler, then it can sound so real you wouldn’t even know there were synths augmenting the brass in the revival of Little Me (orchestra size: 10 or 11, can’t remember). Do I listen to/watch NPR/PBS? I don’t know that I’ve ever listened to NPR – I’ve watched PBS many times, but I must say, except for the odd evening or event, I haven’t watched television in years. Do I have a favorite among the big blockbuster musicals? Well, they’re certainly not my favorite form of musical, but I did enjoy Les Miz and Phantom, both of which were extremely well done.

William E. Lurie asks what was my best Halloween and my worst, both as child and adult. I wish I could remember, but Halloween is never a holiday I cared about all that much. Oh, I liked trick or treating as much as the next person, but I didn’t really have any Halloween that was either totally special or totally bad. As an adult, the first time taking my two year old daughter trick or treating was pretty special.

Tom asks what my favorite Halloween song is? Are there Halloween songs, per se? Are there Halloween songs, se per? There must be and yet I cannot think of one.

S. Woody White asks do I like t-shirts? If so, the kind with strange or funny stuff on them? If so, what is my favorite t-shirt? Well, I have hundreds of t-shirts if that tells you anything. Does “that” tell you anything? “That” never tells me a damn thing, no matter how many times I implore “that” to do so. In any case, I like all kinds of t-shirts – I have a lot of “show” t-shirts. My current favorite t-shirts are my Benjamin Kritzer t-shirt and my Nudie Musical t-shirt, both of which I purchased right here at haineshisway.com (Yes, Virginia, I have to pay, too – and no discount, even for me).

Michael Shayne has both Debbie Gravitte Alan Menken albums – the original, entitled Part of Your World: Debbie Shapiro Gravitte sings Alan Menken, and the reissue with an extra track, entitled The Alan Menken Album. Michael would like to know the story behind the reissue. Well, the first release sold really poorly, for whatever reason. Not a great cover was one of them (it is a wonderful album, however). After I’d done The Andrew Lloyd Webber album with Laurie Beechman, and we’d sold it more based on the composer than the artist (the result was over 40,000 copies sold), we decided to try it with Debbie’s album. We went in and did the extra track and repackaged it to look like the Lloyd Webber album. We ended up selling a few thousand more, so that it came much closer to breaking even. When Guy Haines performed at the STAGE concert (singing Dance a Little Closer) did he sing in the shadows, with his back to the audience or off-stage somewhere? No, Guy was there for all to see (in white tails) but the choreographer always had dancing girls with big feathers and balloons and what-not, and every time they would block poor Guy’s face. It was all very sordid. Finally, at the end of the number, there was only one balloon left (clever guy had gotten a pin and popped all the rest) and he popped it so everyone could finally see him. Unfortunately, just as the balloon popped, the stupid lighting man blacked the lights out. If I decided to return to acting tomorrow and a producer would agree to produce a show of my choice, what would it be and what role would I play? Oh, dear – well, if I weren’t too long-in-the-tooth, I’d love to play C.C. Baxter in Promises, Promises and Vern in They’re Playing Our Song, and maybe even the Bobby Morse role in Sugar.

Kerry asks if it was me or Guy Haines who rerecorded the fade out on the instrumental version of I Don’t Have to Hide Anymore on the CD included with the DVD of Nudie Musical. Or did we recycle my original vocal from the soundtrack. No, it was newly done by my close personal friend, Mr. Guy Haines. I’ve said it before – he copies the way I used to sing – which I find annoying, but it came in very handy during the rerecording (there are too many notes for me to sing it now). Will that song be in the stage version? That is the plan. Was that song written specifically for the film or was it already written and I just stuck it over the end titles. Well, it was recorded specifically for the film, but not written specifically for the film. I do tell the story on one of the commentary tracks – I actually wrote the song for Susan Dey, when I was in the midst of doing all The Partridge Family shows.

Dear reader Sandra asks if I’ve ever ridden a public bus? I’m quite certain that dear reader Sandra has read Benjamin Kritzer and therefore knows the answer to that question. I haven’t ridden one in over forty years, however.

Craig has a plethora of questions: What is the movie I’ve watched most in a movie theater? Well, two answers – as an audience member, The High and the Mighty still holds the record at over twenty-two times in a movie theater (The Court Jester would come in a close second, and North by Northwest would come in a close third). However, I also worked as an usher in several different movie theaters, and I think when I was working at the Pantages in Hollywood, I saw Virginia Woolf there about seventy times. How about at home? Oh, probably a tie between Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown, both of which I never tire of watching and both of which, ironically, are directed by Roman Polanski. What is the cast recording I have listened to the most? Hard question. Probably a tie between Gypsy, Funny Girl, A Little Night Music and Follies (the OBC only, please). What is the musical I have seen the most? A tie between A Chorus Line and Hello, Dolly! Will I be giving out candy on Halloween? Well, I left work at 4:30 on Thursday so I could be home for all the little trick or treaters. I gave out scads of candy, including Midnight Milky Way, Starburst, Skittles, Almond Joy, M&Ms, some kind of Gummy candies and Candy Corn. What is the stupidest outfit I’ve ever had to wear in my career and for what reason? Well, on the Dinah Shore series I did on CBS, I had to wear a ridiculous-looking Superman outfit – ridiculous because it fit so poorly and was so stupid-looking, just embarrassing. Second place would go to my appearance in drag in Danny DeVito’s The Ratings Game, although some woman coming out of a screening told me my ass looked nice in a skirt.

Td asks what are my favorite mutant monster movies. I love Them! and Tarantula for starters. I do like all the big-bug movies of Miss Susan Gordon’s father, Mr. Bert I. Gordon. I have begun watching Eight-Legged Freaks, but I’ll report on that later.

Laura asks if I save useless junk? Well, someday Laura can visit my two count them two Public Storage lockers and there amidst the myriad piles of crap she will find her answer.

Dennis Clancy asks what was the most terrifying moment in my life, either as a child or adult. Well, as a teen, I was driving home on the freeway at three in the morning, and I fell asleep. The car crossed all four lanes, went through the center divider onto the other side of the freeway, crossed all four lanes there and smashed into the barrier on the side of the freeway. The car was totaled, but somehow, through the grace of God, I did not have one scratch. But waking up as the car was careening into that barrier was worse than seeing Psycho for the first time. As an adult, nothing that bad. What suspense film has the best score. Oh, probably Psycho by Bernard Herrmann or maybe Mr. Herrmann’s score for Vertigo. What is my favorite Halloween candy? I love it all, but this year I was a good boy and stuck to my Eileen and Chet Atkins diet.

Jason asks what was my favorite Halloween costume. I do wish I could remember what I wore as a kid – but other than being a ghost or a cowboy or whatever, I just have no vivid memories of Halloween costumes. What was my favorite thing to get in my Halloween bag? I always loved Candy Corn, and Hershey’s Kisses and marshmallows (yes, Virginia, in those days we got unwrapped treats, and they were all safe as could be). Do I believe in ghosts? Not really. Have I ever seen one? Yes.

Jed asks what is my favorite color of M&Ms? I like the classic brown.

William F. Orr asks how the hell I do it – balancing all of the myriad projects I am involved in. Am I extraordinarily organized or have I sworn off sleep. Sometimes I wish I knew the answer to that question. I just mush on and do it, although since starting the TV show it’s been very difficult to keep up. I do try to catch up on the weekends, but even that has been difficult. Still, I’m two-thirds of the way through the new book, I’m not as far along on Nudie as I should be (that is this weekend’s assignment) and I’m mushing along with the writing of the film.

Philip Crosby asks when I produce a cast album of a production, how do the director and I define our roles? Philip assumes that he/she has some say in the final product. I can only say how I do it, not others. I am the producer of the album – it is my job to make sure that I aurally translate the production I’m recording. That is my field of expertise. The director of the show doesn’t understand my field of expertise, and they pretty much stay out of my way and allow me to do my job. It’s different on every album, of course, but most times the director just sits in the booth quietly – occasionally he/she will say something, and we discuss it, but the decisions are ultimately mine. However, I’m a total collaborator, so it usually goes smoothly. I do like to deal with the actors myself, because I know how to elicit what’s needed for the microphone and I know how to elicit it with the least amount of words. I’ve had directors go in and try to “direct” cast members during a cast album, and they just end up confusing everyone because they don’t understand the medium. I always tell directors not to look at the actors when they’re recording – just to listen, because the actors and all the movement and facial expressions and everything, it just fools you. If you can’t hear the performance aurally, it isn’t working for the album. I don’t really think I’ve sent a director a mix tape more than a handful of times. The composer/lyricist, yes (if living), but not the director, at least not usually.


Well, we’ve got a lot of livin’ to do – oh, a Strouse and Adams reference – we’ve got partying, and cake and dancing and merriment and mirth and laughter and legs. I want a lot of pointy party posts, dear readers, because this is a mini-momentous day and we must celebrate, celebrate, celebrate (that is three celebrates) and make the most of our music – oh, a Sondheim reference. Today’s topic of discussion: Tell us how you found your way to haineshisway.com. Also, tell us if you had your druthers what additions or changes you’d like to the site. I can’t promise anything, but I’m ready to implement some new things here, not that that is ever easy with Mr. Mark Bakalor, who is off in a world of his own making, doing things that none of us know about, working on secret projects and covert things that go bump in the night. If he doesn’t stop this blatant attempt at being invisible we shall all have to bitch-slap him from here to eternity or at least from the earth to the moon. Post away, my pretties, and make this a mini-momentous celebration to remember.

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