Well, dear readers, can you believe it? I can barely believe it myself and yet here it is, our one count it one year anniversary. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, it was twenty years ago today that Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play, and it was one year ago it’s true that haineshisway.com first came to you. What a difference a year makes – when I began this here site, I had no idea that I would begin a journey that would see me writing every single day (except for those first weekends) for a year. I began this here site because last October my world came crashing down. Most of you know the event that caused it, and most of you know that I continued to be put through the ringer for the following nine months. What happened was heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) and some fine day I shall write about it in detail. All I will say for now is that no one should ever have to go through the unnecessary, vindictive evil that I went through. It was appalling and the depth of it was mind-boggling and I was shown just how petty and small people can be. But, I believe in karma, dear readers, and karma will have its day, I’m sure of it, oh, yes, I’m quite quite quite (that is three quites) sure of it.
In any case, I began this here site because of the hundreds of wonderful e-mails I received following that black day. They were so kind and hearfelt, and many of them said “please let us know what happens”. Also, certain “things” started appearing in news stories and in order to combat those lies and half-truths I began to think about creating a site where I could dispel such nonsense. I spoke to Mr. Mark Bakalor, and the seeds of haineshisway.com were born. He did a brilliant job of designing the site and we had a ton of fun doing it. We began testing the site and making sure everything worked a few days before we went “live”. In the meantime, I sent e-mails to everyone who’d asked to know what was happening.
I wanted this here site to be fun and fancy-free, I wanted to be able to do whatever I pleased and I wanted to build a family of dear readers who would be loyal and true Hainsies/Kimlets, who would have a home and a place to go every day for some fun – where they could post without fear of being snapped at or berated like on most Usenet groups or chat boards. I wanted everyone to have an equal voice here, whether opinions differed or not.
Donald Feltham called and we had a nice conversation and we decided that it would be grand fun to have a Broadway-themed radio show, too. I’d created one elsewhere that was quite popular, and I’d asked him to host that. He most defiantly did not want to continue doing that show, so we created our very own right here at haineshisway.com. And so, one year ago, on November 9th, haineshisway.com was born and took its first baby steps. People found us right away, and in a few weeks we had already sewn the seeds (no mean feat – have you ever tried to actually sew seeds?) of our little family. Traffic grew daily and soon we had become very popular with the populace. Where else could you read daily drivel, hear a radio show, read all about the Guy Haines family tree, post on daily topics of discussion amongst friends, discover the songs of Meltz and Ernest, hear tales of The Randy Vicar, celebrate birthdays, eat cheese slices and ham chunks, behave like so much fish, and so forth and so on and also so on and so forth. Every week new people showed up – some stayed, some only visited for a while. In addition, we discovered that we have a plethora of lurkers out there in the dark, and we also have our very own merry searchers, who I’m quite certain are scouring these notes looking for heaven-knows-what, and who will then be searching merrily for heaven-knows-what.
Within months we had become one of the most popular sites on all the Internet, much to the chagrin of certain people. Oh, yes, there was chagrin aplenty. I think it confused some people that I could come on here daily, be cheerful and funny and seemingly footloose and fancy-free. I think that frosted certain people, oh, yes, I think that frosted them. Suddenly, haineshisway.com was the in place, we were happening, we were cool, man, cool, we were the ginchiest, the most wacko, unpredictably predictable place on all the Internet. And the lovely news is that every day our traffic grows and new people find us.
Sometimes when dastardly things happen to you, you are forced to reassess the world around you. And this here site has helped me to do that. I finished my novel, Benjamin Kritzer, which is now out and getting lovely reaction. I did the Nudie Musical DVD which led to my making a deal to bring the film to the stage and New York. I made a deal to make a brand spanking new film, which begins shooting next February. I began the first tenuous discussions about starting up a new label. I have, in fact, never been busier.
And so, it’s time to put on our pointy party hats, our colored tights and pantaloons – it’s time to break out the cheese slices and ham chunks, it’s time to dance the Hora and even the Mashed Potato. In other words, it’s time to celebrate, celebrate, until the cows come home. It’s time to eat cake and I, for one, say Let ‘Em Eat Cake – oh, a Bruce Kimmel reference. I want today to be the party to end all parties. I want confetti, and streamers, and shouting and cheering – I want everyone everywhere to know that we are having fun here at haineshisway.com and this is where the party is, every single day.
Well, that was quite long, wasn’t it? That was just ever so long and rambling, like a rambling rose. Well, today everything’s coming up rambling roses, and for anyone who doesn’t think so, well, damn them, damn them all to hell.
Anyone who isn’t celebrating will be bitch-slapped from here to eternity. So, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because in addition to our fancy-shmancy fershluganah celebration, I have excellent questions to answer.
Let’s all dance the Hora whilst reading the answers to your excellent questions, after which I will return.
Kerry asks what is the last song that kept going through my head? I hate to say it, but a song called Civil Rights by Meltz and Ernest. Very catchy, and pertinent even today. What is the worst song to keep going through my head. Hmmm. Let’s see – there’s not a worst one going through my head currently, but there certainly have been awful songs I couldn’t get out of my head – like that song from Titanic.
Kenneth says that I once mentioned that Maltby and Shire were one of the teams who were being considered to write Ragtime. Who were the others and have I heard any of those songs they wrote and would I consider producing an album of Unsung Ragtime. I tried, oh, yes, I tried, but it was a crazy rights thing as I recall. I used to know who the other teams were but I’ll be hornswoggled if I can remember. Have you ever been hornswoggled before? It’s quite amusing in a grotesque sort of way. Finally, no, I haven’t heard any of the Maltby/Shire songs for Ragtime.
Jose asks if there’s a particular song from today’s batch of songwriters that I would love to hear sung by the voice of one of the stars of yesteryear, or is there a singer of yesteryear I would love to hear interpret the songs of a modern composer. Yes, I would like to hear Judy Garland do the score to Marie Christine. Only kidding. Oh, I’ll be hornswoggled if I can think of anything at all. Maybe Judy Holliday singing Losing My Mind – I would love that. If I weren’t living in the United States of America, in which country would I wish to live? I know this will come as a shock, but I’ve only ever been to Canada (outside of the US). I’m sure I could be perfectly happy in London or Paris or even Japan.
Jennifer asks if there’s any news on the stage version of Nudie Musical, like when and where it will be presented, and will it have an out-of-town tryout in Jennifer’s city, which I believe is Montreal, Canada. The current plan is a production in May, unless I am not ready, in which case it will be September at the latest. I can’t divulge the city or cities yet, other than to say that Canada has been mentioned as a stop.
William E. Lurie says that sometimes a really bad show can be more entertaining than a good one. What really bad shows do I think are best (plays and movies, too). I’m quite fond of a play that folded on the road called Time of the Barracudas by Peter Barnes, which starred Laurence Harvey and Elaine Stritch. A train wreck of a musical I enjoyed would be Mack and Mabel. Also, I was rather amused by The Act. Film-wise, there are too many to mention, as I’m a fan of bad films like Plan Nine, or Xanadu or Can’t Stop the Music.
Jay says we seem to be in the midst of a Jerry Herman renaissance, with talk of revivals of Hello, Dolly!, Mame and La Cage. Who would I cast in the leads of all three shows? Hmmm. I’ll be hornswoggled if I can think, but let me try anyway. Dolly – Bernadette Peters (much better for Dolly than Gypsy in my opinion). Mame – I’ll go out on a limb for my pal Michele Pawk. La Cage – I don’t know it well enough.
Michael Shayne would like to know what my favorite Carry On movies are in the Carry On box. Well, I have a soft spot for Carry on Cleo and Carry on Nurse. Who are my favorite regulars? Well, certainly Kenneth Connor, Hattie Jacques, Jim Dale, Sidney James and practically everyone else.
Ron asks what good is sitting alone in your room and why must everyone go hear the music play? What is this, ask Kander and Ebb day? We must hear the music play because those who don’t are hornswoggled.
Jed asks if there are other diet drinks I partake of beside my beloved Diet Coke. Not many, but occasionally I enjoy a Vernor’s.
George asks if there’s been any CDs where I’ve recorded more songs than what was used and if so what has happened to those unused recordings? I can only think of two, really – one on a Laurie Beechman album which, when we were finally doing the vocal, everyone realized just didn’t work and we abandoned it without finishing it. I can only say that I didn’t ever think it would work, but I don’t like to stymie creativity and so I waited to hear it. The exact same situation occurred on Paige O’Hara’s album – it was just obvious to all of us that the track – a dance mix version of Dancing, was just not doing the job, and again it was abandoned without finishing it. Were Lost in Boston and Unsung Musicals begun as series or weren’t they planned that way. I always had in mind that they would be a series because there was so much material available.
Tom from Oz wants to know if when good actors appear in bad movies where they just seem to “walk through” the performance, is it the director who should take the blame. Sometimes, sometimes not. If you have an actor who is determined to walk through a part, he should be fired no matter who in tarnation he is.
Der Brucer asks where in Los Angeles, California can you get really good Oysters Rockefeller. I don’t know from Oysters Rockefeller, nor do I know of any real top-notch seafood joint in this here city. In New York, I’m sure you could find some great ones at the Manhattan Ocean Club.
S. Woody White asks if I’ve ever sailed on a cruise ship? If so, where did I go, what did I enjoy the most and what the least? I have only been on a cruise ship once – and that was in 1973, if I remember correctly. I think it was the Sitmar line, and I cruised to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Acapulco. However, it wasn’t totally for pleasure – we were shooting an episode (my final one, actually) of The Partridge Family on the boat. It was their big show of the year and what fun we had. I got to cruise for a week, and then everyone joined us in Acapulco, and we shot the show on the way home. My favorite things were shooting the show, hanging out with Susan Dey and David Cassidy and Shirley Jones, eating many marvelous meals, playing the piano while Shirley sang for the passengers and meeting some nice folks. My least favorite thing was getting used to the motion of the sea the first two nights. Other than that, the whole damn thing was splendid.
Tom from Oz asks if I think Mr. Stephen Sondheim’s Gold will be worth its weight after all this wait. Have I heard any of the score? I never underestimate my close personal friend, Mr. Stephen Sondheim, and I certainly never underestimate Mr. Harold Prince. I have heard the score as presented at the workshop – which I didn’t love. But I hear there have been lots and lots of changes so I’m anxious to follow its journey.
Finally, I can’t for the life of me find the question, but I know someone asked me the derivation of “like so much fish” – whether I made it up or it’s from somewhere else. As those who’ve read Benjamin Kritzer know, my grandfather used to say, “What is this, fish?” all the time. I created the other part of it “like so much fish” when I was writing my weekly thing over at sondheim.com, under the name of The Real A.
Well, dear readers, I’m going to turn the party over to you now. You’ll be happy to know that Luckie the dog has joined the celebration, and dear readers Sandra, Laura and Megan will be dining with me this very evening. I want lots and lots of posts today, more posts than there are in heaven. The trivia contest will return next week. For now, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, and I must do them in the rain, for it is raining cats and dogs (no mean feat). I adore you all, dear readers, each and every one. Today’s topic of discussion: Tell us your favorite haineshisway.com stories – and tell us what you’d like to accomplish in the next year – your dreams for the future. I’ll start: I would like to finish the Kritzer sequel, I would like to make a genuinely funny film, I would like Nudie Musical to be a smashing success and so much more. Your turn.