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Column Archive
May 7, 2003:

CONVERGENCE

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, it is an overcast day here in Los Angeles, California. It is also an overcast day in my brain for I can not think of anything to write about. It happens from time to time, this convergence of overcast skies and overcast brain. I feel at one with the sky and the sky feels at one with I. That is a good title for a musical – The Sky and I, a convergence of Guys and Dolls and Anna and the King of Siam. Today’s notes are apparently all about convergence. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too?

Last night I watched the first half of a very strange motion picture entertainment entitled Two Mules for Sister Sara, a convergence of the spaghetti western and The Nun’s Story. It stars Mr. Clint Eastwood and Miss Shirley MacLaine and is directed by Mr. Don Siegel. I shall watch the rest this evening, but it does have its moments, and does have a strange Ennio Morricone score as well.

Don’t forget, we are now up and running in terms of preorders for Kritzerland, so if you’re interested in getting it, do. Check yesterday’s notes for complete details.

Has anyone noticed that both the sky and my brain are overcast? As the great Meltz and Ernest once wrote, I Know Not Why, It Simply Is.

The snow is white,
My shoes are brown
And when I smile
I do not frown
I don’t say “hers” when I mean “his”
I know not why, it simply is.

The world is round
Yet bread is square
And when I’m gone
I am not there
If it is damp, my hair will frizz
I know not why, it simply is.

We cannot question
Things simply are
Here’s my suggestion
You can’t be near if you haven’t been far

The truest thing
That I can say
Is when it’s night
It is not day
I always cry when I see Les Miz
I know not why it simply is.

Leave it to Meltz and Ernest to hit the nail on the head. That is just so profound that the only thing left to be done is to click on the Unseemly Button below while we ponder the convergence between this section and the next.

I think there was a discussion in chat about the song Drop that Name from Bells are Ringing, wherein Comden and Green string together a bunch of name-dropping circa 1957. That reminded me that about four or five years ago there was a thread in a newsgroup about updating the song. A few people had a try, but they cheated in terms of the rhyme scheme and form. As you know, I never cheat in terms of rhyme scheme and form when I do What If parodies – it just isn’t done, in my opinion (IMO, in Internet lingo). So, I had a go at updating the song and let me tell you it was very difficult. Of course, in the four or five years since I did it, it’s already outdated, but someone asked me if I’d print it, so I went and found it and here it is.

Mike
Wallace
Stephen
Sondheim
Robert
Redford
Stephen
King
Kander
and Ebb
Claudia
Schiff

Tom and Nicole, and Billy Joel,
Senator Dole,
and Mira Sorvino.
Chevy Chase and Baby Face,
Mary Kay Place
and then Al Pacino.
Michael Caine and Nathan Lane
Madonna and Cher
Anthony Quinn
And Rin Tin Tin!

Charlton Heston, Maury Yeston
Roger Mudd.
Charlie Sheen and Ben Vereen
and Ashley Judd.
Calvin Klein and Adrian Lyne
and Larry King.
Rosie O’D…
And Rin Tin Tee!

Patti Lupone and Sharon Stone
Mr. Stallone
And Marcia Gay Hardin.
Tommy Tune and Debbie Boone
Jessica Hahn
And Christopher Darden.
Demi Moore and Tipper Gore
And Madeleine Kahn…
Jean Claude Van Damme
And Rin Tin Tam!

Davis Gaines!
Rin Tin Taines!
Richard Gere!
Rin Tin Teer!
Bernadette!
Rin Tin Tet!
Daniel Massey?
Lassie!
That’s the way you play the game
Drop that name!

If anyone would like to have a go at changing the names that have become too dated, please do so.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, the sun is now breaking through the overcast sky and so the sun must now break through in my overcast brain because, as you know, we are all about convergence. Today’s topic of discussion: It’s Ask BK Day, the day in which you get to ask your excellent questions. So, ask away, my pretties, and discuss anything else your collective hearts may desire.

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