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December 13, 2005:

I FEEL A SPIEL COMING ON

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, it is the Christmas season. A time to be merry and jolly, not necessarily in that order. Christmas, of course, is not a time to be errant and truant, which is what seems to be happening around these here parts. No, we must make this the merriest and the jolliest Christmas of them all, so let’s keep the holiday spirit alive here at haineshisway.com, shall we? Speaking of Christmas, might I just take this opportunity to do a little Christmas spiel? Yes, I feel the time is ripe for a Christmas spiel, so here it is. If you don’t wish to read the Christmas spiel you can simply fast forward to the next paragraph. Kritzerland CDs make lovely Christmas gifts, and even lovely ornaments, if you like CD ornaments. So, now is a perfect time to purchase Kritzerland CDs for your loved ones, your friends, and most especially, your enemies. Kritzerland CDs are perfect for your pets as well. I know one dog who, upon receiving a Guy Haines CD, went into paroxysms of pleasure and drooled for twelve minutes straight before peeing on the rug. Yes, that dog was thrilled to have a Guy Haines CD. Cats also love Kritzerland CDs, as well as certain exotic birds, mice, and, of course, gazelles. Kritzerland CDs are available at kritzerland.com. Tell them Bruce-O sent you. Now, not only do we offer Kritzerland CDs as gifts, but another perfect gift we offer is a novel entitled Rewind. Now, believe it or not, there are still many hainsies/kimlets who have not even purchased a copy of Rewind, for reasons only they themselves know. Rewind is a perfect Christmas present, whether for oneself or for that special someone who likes a novel filled with fictional fiction. Rewind can be purchased at rewindbook.com, and copies purchased there will be personally signed by the author, namely me. My goodness, that was a fine Christmas spiel, wasn’t it? Seriously, if you’re looking for gifts for that someone who has that special glow about them, look no further – your gift buying problems have been solved. Order now, and your items will definitely reach you in time for Christmas gift-giving.

Well, that spiel wore me out. I am now completely spieled out. Yesterday, prior to spieling, I had a lovely meeting with Miss Linda Purl. I then did several errands, and then spent the rest of the day doing things around the home environment, right up until the time I left for rehearsal. Said rehearsal went very well indeed – we got through more than half the second act, and I added two new lines, which turned out very funny. The actors have begun to find little nuances, which is always fun to watch. Tammy and Matt ran the end of act one, and they’d already forgotten a couple of key complex moves, which caused Tammy to smack herself right upside the head. We fixed it, and I was quite stern about them remembering every single move we’ve blocked. That said, the end of the act is really looking pretty amazing. I then came home and saw that there were not postings for close to three hours. As you can imagine, I immediately went to the closet and took out the bitch-slap machine, and it is at the ready and believe me it will be used mercilessly, with names named as it metes out its devastating bitch-slaps to those deserving of them.

Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below, because frankly if we don’t, I feel a spiel coming on.

No more wire spiels – EVER! The handyman will be here quite early in the morning to attend to the drainage problem in the shower environment, and then to the chimney problem in the den environment, as I wish to have a cozy fire going for my Christmas Eve do. Last year, when I tried to have a fire in the den, it was clear that the chimney was somehow blocked, because the room started filling with smoke. And yes, Virginia, the flue was open.

Other than that, my intention is to stay home, do some writing (at long last), and to pick up several overdue packages – I think one more day of taking it easy will make me completely better.

Yesterday, I managed to watch two count them two motion pictures on DVD. The first motion picture on DVD was entitled Big Bad Mama, a Roger Corman exploiter from 1974. It’s a good little cheeseball low-budget film, and has several amusing scenes with stars Angie Dickenson, Tom Skerrit, and William Shatner (who has a nude scene with Angie that is truly scarier than any of Mr. Corman’s horror films). I was quite taken with one of the comely young co-stars, Susan Sennett, who I’d never seen before. I looked her up on the imdb and it turns out she was one of the stars of the sitcom, Ozzie’s Girls. She also apparently married rocker Graham Nash, which, I suppose, put an end to her career. Whether they are still married, I know not. The transfer is adequate but not in the film’s original aspect ratio – it’s a full-frame disaster, and all you need to do is look at the yards of extraneous picture information at the top and bottom of the screen. I then watched the second motion picture on DVD, which was entitled A Fine Mess, one of the few Blake Edwards films that I’ve never seen. I remember consciously avoiding it, as it was made during his absolute worst period, and because it got scathing reviews. Well, the reviews were right – it’s practically the nadir of Mr. Edwards’ career, with one unfunny gag after another, and awful performances by Ted Danson and Howie Mandell and everyone else in the cast. Even in Mr. Edwards’ worst films, I can always find one gag or one bit or one shot to admire – here, there is absolutely nothing. Simply put, a terrible film. Transfer is fine.

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? And why am I talking about DVDs in this section? Oh, because I used up the last section doing a Christmas spiel.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, relax, write, and then attend rehearsal. Today’s topic of discussion: What is the most memorable Christmas gift you ever got? Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we?

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