Well, dear readers, all I have to say is “Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle.” Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I have been to the Valley Of The Dolls and I am here to tell the tale. “Neeeeeeeeeely O’Harrrra!” “I need a doll! Get me a doll! Just one!” Dolls, baby, that’s what I’M talkin’ about. But, before I get to the dolls, I must fill out this paragraph with useless tales of yesteryear, like the Lone Ranger. And really, wasn’t The Lone Ranger the Neely O’Hara of the west? I mean, didn’t he scream out, “Hiiiiiiiiyo, Silvvvver!” In any case, yesterday zoomed by like a gazelle with herpes. And really, wasn’t The Lone Ranger the gazelle of the west? I got up, I jogged, I did errands, I ate, I made so many telephonic calls I thought the phone was attached to Ye Olde Ear, and I made plans for the next several days, which now include a breakfast with our very own Alet Taylor and seeing a new musical whose name I can’t remember. At the end of the day, I settled down on my couch like so much fish promptly fell asleep for a total of two minutes, until the phone rang for the umpteenth time and woke me up. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that just too too? Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when I watched four count them four motion pictures on DVD.
The first motion picture on DVD was entitled House of Strangers (I’d actually begun watching it the day before and was already more than halfway through). It’s part of the Fox Noir series, but it’s really stretching it to call House of Strangers a noir. It’s an old-fashioned melodrama and not a great one at that. The cast is fine – Edward G. Robinson, Richard Conte, the terrific Luther Adler, and Susan Hayward, but it’s just a lumbering film and I didn’t care for it much. The transfer is fine. I then watched the second motion picture on DVD, which was entitled Charlie Chan in Egypt. Another delightful Chan film with Warner Oland, who really is fantastic in these films. I could have lived without Stepin Fetchitt, who is really tiresome, and not because he’s a caricature. He’s just irritating, unlike other African-American actors who did similar films, like Mantan Moreland and Willie Best. It was fun seeing Rita Cansino in a small role – she would, of course, change her name to Rita Hayworth shortly thereafter. This film seems to be in the roughest shape, and it has video-generated main and end titles – so whatever the source material is, it’s probably amazing that we have the full film. After that, I watched another Fox Noir, Boomerang. I’d never seen it before, and I must say I thought it was great – a total winner in every department. Great direction by Elia Kazan, a good script by Richard Murphy (based on true events), and a top-notch cast including Dana Andrews, Lee J. Cobb, Arthur Kennedy, Karl Malden and many others. The film is beautifully paced, taut, and I was very taken with it from start to finish. The transfer is excellent. Unfortunately, Fox has recalled this DVD (a few stores got a few copies, which are now up for sale on eBay at steep prices) – supposedly legal issues, but why they would discover said issues after the DVD was pressed and shipped is anyone’s guess. I then watched the crème de la crème – Valley Of The Dolls. What a deliriously delirious film it is. I saw it the day it opened at the Village Theater in Westwood. Back then, it wasn’t a campfest – no one took it that way. But soon thereafter it became a campfest and it has been a campfest ever since. And, unlike its “sequel” it’s a campfest that truly lives up to its reputation. Patty Duke is spectacular as Neely O’Hara – the acting is all over the map, but we love our Patty and it all works. Tony Scotti has the greatest nightclub act in show business: He comes out and sings one song. That’s the act. Sharon Tate is heartbreakingly beautiful. Barbara Parkins talks very well. Paul Burke is a stiff. That hairspray guy always makes me want to kick him in the knees. Martin Milner is a good guy. And Susan Hayward is wonderful and scary as Helen Lawson. Some of the dialogue should be in the pantheon of overwrought screenwriting. The songs by Andre and Dory Previn are pretty horrid, save for the beautiful title song. Mr. Scotti is the only one who actually does his own singing. And how about that Ted Casablanca? There’s a whole disc of extras, some of which have that great Judy Garland costume test, other screen tests, the Hollywood Backstory on VOTD, a sing-a-long, and the soundtrack album, too. What it doesn’t have is Judy singing I’ll Plant My Own Tree – happily, I’ve had that track for many years and I adore it. I wish I could say that the transfer bowled me over. I’d seen screencaps on a DVD site, and they worried me, and unfortunately, they were accurate (never mind that that site said the transfer was great). The color, my usual bugaboo, is simply off – the skin tones are that awful pasty brown that is so wrong. A simple twist of some knobs by a colorist could have made it perfect, but they didn’t do it. It’s reasonably sharp, and it’s great to have it enhanced, but I was hoping for nirvana, color-wise, and it falls well short of that.
What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below so we can plant our own tree whilst we scream, “Neeeeeeely O’Harrrra!”
So, this morning I must jog early, then be on my way to LACC to discuss the design of the theater in which we’ll be doing our cabaret series. Then I’m supposed to get together with Mr. Kevin Spirtas – we have to do a one-act version of the show, so that will probably take an hour or two to just sketch out on paper. I’m going to try to get him to watch the edit we’ve done, because I want to make any fixes early next week and get this thing in the can.
Have I mentioned that I’ll plant my own tree? After all, it’s my yard, and I will try hard – I hope Dory got a LOT of money for those lyrics.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, drive all over this fair city of ours, I must meet, eat, do errands and whatnot. Today’s topic of discussion: I’m sure we’ve done this before, but it’s been a long time, so – what are your all-time favorite films noir? Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we. Now, all together on the count of three: Neeeeeeely O’Harrrrra! Didn’t that feel good? Now let’s all go plant our own tree.