Well, dear readers, you know what I like about this here site? What I like about this here site is that it’s up close and personal, that’s what I loke about this here site. That’s what I “loke”? What kind of word is loke? That’s what I loke about this here site. I don’t know what it means but I loke it, I really do. Where was I? Oh, yes, up close and personal. We don’t shilly-shally around here, nor do we shally-shilly. We tell it like it is, baby. We don’t beat around the bush although we do sometimes bush around the beat. I like a nice two-four beat around the bush – a nice bouncy C. We lay it on the line, baby, and it lokes being laid on the line, or so it tells me. We are brutally honest and honestly brutal, if you get my drift. Not just me, but everyone. That is what makes this here site unique on all the Internet, and, as you know, I feel that soon we will be the most popular site on all the Internet. So, loke it or lump it, we are what we are, or, as Jerry Herman put it, We Am What We Am. Well, that was invigorating, wasn’t it? Did you know I happen to loke New York? I must get back there soon – it’s been exactly a year since I was there and that is just too too long. Speaking of long, yesterday was a long day. I don’t remember why, really, but I know it was long. The day had its pleasures and it also had its pain-in-the-butt cheeks. The pleasures were jogging, watching the Kevin Spirtas cut on DVD (a few things to fix, but not many, at least for me – it plays really well, actually) – the biggest thing we have to do is to lighten the whole thing a couple of stops – that will really help everything. Other than that, there were just about three weird things that I want to fix. I didn’t get around to watching the Deceit check disc, so I’ll do that this morning. I ate very reasonably, and I must say the weight loss is really showing now – everyone is noticing it. I’ll take a photograph, perhaps by the end of this week. I also got an unexpected check in the mail – not huge, but I always enjoy getting unexpected checks in the mail. My goodness, this whole paragraph is up close and personal, isn’t it? And I loke that.
Last night I watched a motion picture on DVD entitled Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. I had only vague memories of some Internet postings raving about this film. Why I ever take a chance on films like this because of what I’ve read is beyond me, since the people raving are usually twelve years old. Well, this film automatically enters the pantheon of horrible movies. For me there is nothing worse than a film that thinks it’s oh so clever, and winks and nudges the audience every two minutes to make sure we know how clever it is. The problem is, it isn’t clever. It’s smarmy, stupid, unfunny, and inept. The film wants to have it all ways – the narration pokes you repeatedly telling us we’re just watching a stupid movie. And then, suddenly someone will do something and get emotional and the film expects us to give a flying Wallenda. We don’t. It’s actually mind boggling in its awfulness. The actors are strictly from B-moviesville, and I just sat there for the entire 103 minutes with my mouth agape. I’m sick of these hipper than hip, cooler than cool movies – they’re neither hip nor cool – they just stink to high heaven or low hell. Transfer was fine. The film was a huge box-office disaster, one of the lowest grossing major films in years. I think that’s because there comes a time when the audience, even today’s audience, finally says, “I’m stupid, but I’m not THAT stupid.” And that is my opinion on this film. Others may enjoy it, and that’s what makes Ye Olde Horse Racing.
What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button below because we have more up close and personal stuff in the next section.
Isn’t it funny? Yesterday, I felt like a cat on a hot tin roof. Today I feel like a sweet bird of youth. And today this sweet bird of youth has to finish writing a song, finish viewing what will hopefully be the final check disc of Deceit, do errands, eat some foodstuffs (am in the mood for something interesting), jog, and I need to do some writing, oh, yes, I need to do some writing.
Oh, I mentioned the pleasurable things of yesterday but neglected the irksome things. The most irksome thing was a flat tire. It was the same tire that had a nail in it about three months ago, and it finally just gave up the ghost. I was able to coast over to a nearby gas station and I got it changed in about fifteen minutes. Adelphia cable was acting very peculiarly yesterday, and that was very annoying. I had one idiotic e-mail, but also had several terrific e-mails, including a fan letter for Guy Haines.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, be up close and personal and if some folks don’t like it I think they know they can KISS MY ASS. Perhaps this should be KISS MY ASS day. We haven’t had a good KISS MY ASS day in two years. Of course, my ass is quite svelte right now, which is a good thing because if we do my new play and I end up playing the leading role, well, let’s just say that the part requires a fleeting glimpse of said ass. Today’s topic of discussion: It’s Ask BK Day, the day in which you get to ask me or any dear reader any old question you like and we get to give any old answer we like and you can bet your ass the answers will be up close and personal just the way we loke. And if anyone doesn’t loke it, they can KISS MY ASS. Let’s have loads of lovely questions and loads of lovely answers, shall we?