Well, dear readers, back on September 22, 1997 I began writing a weekly column at www.sondheim.com. Mr. Mark Bakalor had asked me if I’d be interested in doing so, and after giving it some thought I said sure, why not. Little did I know where that “sure, why not” would lead. Within weeks, the little column, known as One From Column A, as written by The Real A had become so wildly popular with the populace, that both Mr. Bakalor and I were astonished. And for over 100 columns it continued to grow in popularity and had legions of readers (I don’t know in which column I began using the phrase “dear readers”). At the beginning I had no idea what the column should be, but it quickly took shape and somewhere around the eighth column I found the tone I was looking for. But right from the get-go and also the go-get I was doing song parodies – in fact, there were two in the very first column. I began doing my What If parodies by column three. Eventually, the column evolved into writing about everything – theater, cabaret, songwriting, my trips, my childhood, everything. And it was all anonymous – no one had a clew as to who I was. We had guessing games galore over the years, and at least one person guessed me, but I never revealed who I was until the very last column, and only then if you were clever enough to solve the puzzle. I wrote the column every Saturday morning whilst sitting on my couch like so much fish. I had no computer, and I wrote it in a special form Mr. Bakalor provided, using Web TV, which was my only connection to the Internet. I remember one day writing a really long column and losing the entire thing. The replacement column became one of the funniest things I’ve ever written. Here’s an example of those early song parodies. I began by saying that both Andrew Lloyd Webber and Stephen Sondheim had been e-mailing me songs about each other – they were having a “war.” One week, ALW wrote this (to the tune of Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina):
Don’t cry for me Stephen Sondheim
For I am wealthy, and I’m immortal
I wrote Evita and I wrote POTO
I’m a Mercedes – you’re a DeSoto
I know we’ve both had Madonna
And we’ve shared Mandy and Barbra Streisand
When they sing my songs, they sell so many
When they sing your songs they don’t sell any
Don’t cry for me Stephen Sondheim
My Cats has nine lives, yes, it’s still running
When is the last time you had a hit, Steve
Why don’t you face it, it’s time to quit, Steve.
Of course, Cats WAS still running. Then Stephen Sondheim responded with this double-whammy to the tune of Agony and No More:
Andrew is boring
When he tries to write
Andrew is terrible
I end up snoring
His stuff is so trite
Really unbearable
Agony!
Have you listened to Cats???
It’s really awful
It should be unlawful
To Finish Some Hats
Agony!
That’s a Lloyd Webber show!!!
It’s truly dismaying
That they’re always playing
Wherever you go…
So…
No more Webber
Please no more
Keep the musical alive
Keep it healthy, let it thrive
Let that happy day arrive
When we’ll all ignore…
All the Phantoms
All the Sunsets
All the song and dance
All the pussies who prance
On those fun sets
All the critical standards that one sets
Well, what for?
All the Josephs
All the Aspects
No more.
When the question of my identity reached epic proportions, I wrote this, to the tune of Love And Marriage:
Male or female
Male or female
That’s the question when you
Send me e-mail
Should I be confessing
Or should I simply keep ’em guessing?
Male or female
Male or female
Well, supposing that the
“A” might be male
Does it really matter
If it’s the former or the latter?
Next thing that you’ll want to know is
What’s my persuasion?
Gay, Straight, or perhaps the type to rise
To each occasion?
Male or female
Male or female
That’s the FAQ when
You send me mail
This I’ll tell you brother
The game is done
We’ve had our fun
I’m either one thing or the other!
Every week we had a We Get Letters section. People would write in and I’d answer their queries. Our very own der Brucer wrote letters very early on. At the time Meryl Secrest’s bio of Stephen Sondheim came out, I revealed that Miss Secrest’s next book would be a bio of The Real A. And so I began telling stories and these stories would ultimately form the basis for Benjamin Kritzer. I received weekly faux e-mails from famous people, like this one from Andrew Lloyd Webber – remember, this was 1997:
Dear Real A:
Please tell Stephen Sondheim that I simply have no time to joust with him this week. I am heavily at work on my Phantom Of The Opera sequel entitled Phantom of the Cats, wherein he Phantom returns to haunt a theater where Cats is playing. I feel this is my finest work to date and I simply am on a tear trying to finish it. And then, of course, there’s the Phantom movie, with John Travolta and Pamela Anderson. I am very excited about this as are Mr. Travolta and Miss Anderson. Very few people know that Miss Anderson is a world-class vocalist who is possessed of a golden throat. You see, I simply don’t take a year to write two songs. I am busy as a beaver and can write up to 176 songs a year. While the duel has been amusing, this week is simply too too hectic for me to come up with anything. I do hope people who read your column will understand. I will be back next week however, and, as usual, in top form. Oh, I must go now. Ms. Anderson has arrived for a rehearsal and she’s brought along a video to watch. Ta, and God bless.
Lord Lloyd Webber
There’s a reference to S. Woody White and his ever-lovin’ der Brucer in the first column of 1998. On February 2, 1998, there is the first use of “I’m just sitting here on m couch like so much fish.” After which, I tell the story of my grandfather and his use of “What is it, fish?” The columns got longer and more involved in 1998 and grew from there. I had a blast doing them. I say all this because “blogging” is now so popular with the populace – everyone now does it. But I’m happy to say I began doing the column two months before the word “weblog” was invented, and long before weblog was shortened to blog. There were people who did it before me, but I don’t think any of them quite did it to the extent that One From Column A did. And, of course, from the time this here site debuted in November of 2001, I have never missed a day of notes since. I’ve actually never called what I do “blogging.” I simply don’t like the word. But I’d be surprised if anyone could point to another site where someone has written every single day (especially of the length I write) for close to eight years. It boggles even my mind.
Did I just take a nostalgia pill? The day before it was a chill pill, today it’s a nostalgia pill. I may, over the next few days, print some more of The Real A stuff. I haven’t looked at it in years and some of it is pretty interesting.
Well, why don’t we all click on the Unseemly Button because this is already the longest section ever and I fell asleep three times whilst writing it.
Just a quick recap of yesterday – I got up. That was quick. I did not do the long jog as it was raining. I had a nice work session with Kevin and Linda. I proofed our two upcoming releases’ booklets and sent them off for approval. I ate lunch. I listened to the edited and sequenced master for our new soundtrack release, and it’s really terrific. I watched the rest of The Eiger Sanction. Terrible script, but gorgeous photography and the last third has some great mountain-climbing footage. I watched the Kevin and Sean DVD – all my beautiful dissolves were gone, so the editor has some ‘splainin’ to do, but hopefully he has all of them in a prior cut. And that was that.
I suppose we should all put on our pointy party hats and our colored tights and pantaloons, I suppose we should all break out the cheese slices and the ham chunks, I suppose we should all dance the Hora or the old-fashioned waltz, for today is the twenty-first birthday of our most errant and truant dear reader, Miss Adriana Patti. So, let’s give a big haineshisway.com birthday cheer to our most errant and truant dear reader, Miss Adriana Patti. On the count of three: One, two, three – A BIG HAINESHISWAY.COM BIRTHDAY CHEER TO OUR MOST ERRANT AND TRUANT DEAR READER, MISS ADRIANA PATTI!!!
Today, I have only a few errands to run, then an important meeting to attend, then the rest of the day is mine all mine. I hope to have booklet approval today and if I do then all of the stuff for the two releases can go to the printer.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, do the long jog (weather-permitting), I must do errands and whatnot, I must attend an important meeting, and I must sit on my couch like so much fish. Today’s topic of discussion: What were the first websites and newsgroups you ever visited. How did you find them? Were you a lurker or participant? Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst The Real BK hits the road to Dreamland.