Well, dear readers, this week has flown by, like a gazelle reading One from Column A, that Internet phenomenon from 1997 to 2000. As promised, here is a sample of the relentless drivel that The Real A would write. This was from an early column, in those days when there were chat rooms galore on the Internet. And some of them randy as can be. I discovered one and partook. Here was the result.
Recently, The Real A has discovered the internet phenomenon known as The Chat Room. This is a concept. The first time I visited a chat room there were forty-nine people in it. Despite the room being a theatre related Chat Room, it seemed to me that everyone was trying to pick up everyone else. In other words, like the 90s equivilent of a singles’ bar. The chat was going so fast, that by the time I’d type a response to something, five topics had gone by and my response made no sense whatsoever. Very disorienting. I got nauseous watching the screen.
One fine day I visited another chat room. There were only a handful of people in the room, which made things much easier. They were, of course, trying to pick each other up. There was one person in there with the alluring moniker of Sexy4U. She and some guy were getting rather, well, shall we say “het” up. So, I asked if anyone had seen Passion. Sexy4U misunderstood and thought I wanted to get involved with her and the other guy. To cut to the chase here, Sexy invited me and the other guy into a “private room” called The Hot Tub. Now, you know I just had to go and see what that was about. I know there are young people who read this column, so I will not go into detail here, other than to say that they did not want to discuss Sondheim, did not appreciate when I printed the lyrics to The Miller’s Son, and when I tried to tell them why the second act of Sunday In The Park With George was problematic they threw me out of The Hot Tub. What did I do wrong? Let’s put it this way: I knew where the conversation was heading when there was a lewd reference to a female body part, and I asked if they were talking about Cats.
Wasn’t that amusing? Well, it was back in 1997 let me tell you. What a wild and wooly Internet it was back in those halcyon days of yore. I did a lot of Sondheim parodies, all written by the faux team of Gluckman and Fitz. Here’s one that didn’t make What If in our What if Sondheim had only written for the Yiddish musical theatre? This one is to the tune of Barcelona – it’s only a fragment, but I did chuckle when reading it.
Where you going
To the bathroom
Oh. Close the door
Do you have to
Yes, I have to
Go. Watch the floor
Now I’m hungry
No, you’re not
Yes, I am
No, you’re not
Tough, I’m eating
See I’m hungry
No, you’re not
Yes, I am
Oh, shut up – stop repeating
The bad thing about cutting and pasting from the actual column is that the lyrics don’t cut and paste properly so I have to actually retype them. And then there was the column devoted to the UPS and losing a package. It was one of those all-UPS days of complete frustration. It’s funny reading it, but was not funny when it happened. In any case, my close personal friend Stephen Sondheim, had it happened to him, most likely would have written this.
Attend the tale of UPS
Their service stinks and they cause distress
They crush your packages, lose them, too
Don’t bother complaining, there’s nothing to do
They really are a horrid mess
The UPS
The demon people of shipping
And then there was the time I got my very first computer, which Varese Sarabande bought me for my office. Here is what I wrote about that experience. This was in 1999. The fascinating thing about this is at the very end, when I make a joke about the then-revival of On the Town. Since that show has been revived again and I do believe will be suffering the same fate as the last revival, it is especially prescient.
Oh, what a banner day this is, dear readers. Why is this a banner day you might ask and I might tell you if I knew what the hell a “banner day” was. But, whatever a “banner day” is, this is certainly it, because I am writing this here column on my brand spanking-new handy-dandy computer. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I have a brand new computer. Now, let us lay the facts on the table: I am a computer illiterate. There, it needed to be said and I’ve said it. I know nothing from computers and yet here I sit at my new computer. The amazing thing is how simple it is to use. Why, even an ignoramus could use this computer. Excuse me for a moment.
I just went out and found an ignoramus wandering in the hallway and asked him to come in here. I now turn the next few lines over to him.
Hello. I am an ignoramus. Despite being an ignoramus I am using this computer, hence proving The Real A correct. Thank you very much and I now return you to The Real A. I must go back to the hallway and wander aimlessly.
You see? Even an ignoramus can use this computer. The most wonderful thing about this computer is that it has a thing known as a CD ROM. I don’t know from ROM but I do know a CD when I hear one and this CD ROM plays actual CDs and I am listening to one right this very minute. This computer came with a free CD ROM disc, an encyclopedia on CD. I tried to play it but frankly I found it a little wordy and much too atonal for my taste. I like a nice tune in my encyclopedia-on-CD ROM, don’t you? Anyway, I find it very exciting to have a new computer. I had an old computer but it was a Mac and it was very slow and quite retarded. Now I have a Compaq Presario which seems a rather stupid name for a computer, but what do I know? It’s very fast, and does amazing things, especially if one is a computer illiterate like me. I’m listening to one of my favorite CDs as I write this, Michael Brecker and Claus Ogermann’s Cityscape, a beautiful symphonic jazz album. It is making me so very mellow (wollem spelled backwards). This is the kind of music that makes drool start coming out of your mouth. I love that. Anyway, this new computer has lots and lots of interesting buttons on the keyboard. For example, there is a button with a moon on it. If I push said button do I get to go to the moon? Let me know, as I don’t want to push it if that’s the case. I don’t want to take an unscheduled trip to the moon right now. Or, maybe if I push the moon button the computer moons me? That would be exciting. There is a button that instantly connects me to the Internet. Once there, I have already programmed this computer to take me directly to eBay. I know this is all probably second nature to you, dear readers, but for me, a dinosaur who still used a typewriter up until three years ago, it is spellbinding. What kind of a word is “spellbinding”? It makes no sense on any level whatsoever. Oh, I’m so mellow from writing on my new computer and listening to a drool-inducing CD. What could be better than that?
So, here I sit in my office like so much fish, drooling and typing happily away. Nothing anyone can do today will upset me. Nothing will cause me to become unglued. Have you ever become unglued? It is very messy. Suddenly there you are, unglued, with parts lying everywhere, here and there, hither, thither and yon, parts galore and none of them glued. It occurs to me that no amount of drooling mellowness can stop the flow of drivel, which is all to the good, frankly. I just realized that I can play actual Stephen Sondheim CDs in my new CD ROM thing. Yes, I can write this here column and listen to Sweeney Todd or Company or whatever takes my fancy. I need something to take my fancy because my fancy is just sitting here like so much fish, waiting for something or someone to take it. My fancy is a lonely fancy and needs attention. Won’t someone or something please take my fancy? But if someone or something takes my fancy, what will I be left with? My plain? Right now I have my plain and my fancy, just like the musical of the same name. You know, I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about, but I really don’t care because it is so much fun to write on this new computer, which, by the way, corrects my spelling as I type. Isn’t that amazing? I actually typed “amayzing” and it corrected it. This whole new computer thing has revitalized me. I feel energized. I feel glued. Perhaps I’ll write the entire column from my new handy-dandy computer. But not listening to this particular CD, because if I continue listening to this particular CD I will not only continue drooling, I will be asleep before I reach the end of this section. I must put on some bebop or cha-cha music. Different music for each section, that’s the ticket. Then each section will have a different rhythm to it. Doesn’t “rhythm” look tight? Like there’s too many letters all scrunched together with perhaps a vowel or two missing? It looks like it ate a very sour grapefruit, “rhythm” does. Oh, well, such is life, word-wise. Well, I believe it’s time to end this section of the column, because frankly it’s starting to feel like the revival of On The Town: As much as we’d like it to continue, it’s closing right now. But enough about me.
I think you can see where the seeds of these here notes were sewn or sowed. But enough nostalgia. Yesterday I got only about six hours of sleep and was up by nine. I did stuff on the computer, answered e-mails, had telephonic conversations, and then I went and had a cup of creamy tomato soup and a ham and Swiss on rye, along with a few sweet potato fries, which I don’t really think existed back during the One from Column A days. After that, I picked up a package, then came back home. Then I had a telephonic conversation that ended up being very, very helpful to the likes of me and then I finally sat on my couch like so much fish.
Last night, I watched a motion picture on the Flix of Net entitled The Two Faces of January, which was not the prequel to The Three Faces of Eve or the follow-up to The Nine Faces of Norman. I knew nothing of this 2014 film, but the title kept seeming familiar to me and at the end I knew why – it’s based on a Patricia Highsmith novel (she of Strangers on a Train and The Talented Mr. Ripley), which I happen to own. I have to say I rather enjoyed this film. It’s not earth shattering, but I never knew where it was going, it had some good suspense, and it was never less than interesting. It was very well directed and the actors were very good, as was the musical score by Alberto Iglesias. I’d recommend it if you’re looking for a good old-fashioned picture (it’s set in 1962 – one thing I liked is they never actually tell you that, but if you pay attention to the cars and clothes and set dressing, you get it pretty quickly).
After that, I created the event page for the March Kritzerland show, as we’re finally fully cast and it’s quite a terrific cast at that: Stan Chandler (one of the original Plaids), Kevin Earley, Kimberly Hessler, Kelli Provart and Adrienne Visnic (who’s in Inside Out), along with our favorite kind of guest star, Mr. Bruce Vilanch. Our musical director is Lloyd Cooper, back with us after almost a year’s absence.
Today, I shall do some banking, pay some Kritzerland bills, and then relax until it’s time to mosey on over to the theater to see Inside Out – I’ve missed our wonderful group of actors. My intention is to only eat fruit bits during the day so I can go have a fun meal after the show.
Tomorrow, I’ll relax and maybe see if I can get in to see Teddy to be coifed, and I’ll finish up the packaging of our next release, do a show order, and write the commentary. Depending on how I’m feeling and who’s coming, I may or may not see the show. I’ll definitely see the matinee on Sunday so we can all go have a fun meal, maybe even do Genghis Cohen.
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, do some banking, hopefully pick up packages, eat fruit bits, see a show, and have a proper meal. Today’s topic of discussion: It’s Friday – what is currently in your CD player and your DVD/Blu and Ray player? I’ll start – CD, our next release. Blu and Ray, Two for the Road and Young and Innocent. Your turn. Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland, hoping you’ve enjoyed the nostalgia bits from One from Column A by The Real A.