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February 24, 2015:

THE TRUTH ABOUT FEBRUARY

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, this week is flying by, like a gazelle eating a power cable.  The gazelle was so enamored of the suicidal squirrel that it decided to emulate it.  Thankfully, the gazelle at a power cable from 1915 that is no longer in working order.  I gotta tell you.  Am I correct in thinking that it’s almost the end of February?  Am I just correct in thinking that?  I don’t know what nincompoop decreed that February would be a short month, but it was probably a short person of short intellect.  Yes, I’m right.  According to my sources, February was decreed to be a short month by Herbert S. Heinburgersteinschmidtkellermichthoffen, whose name was actually longer than the month of February.  Mr. Heinburgersteinschmidtkellermichthoffen was five-foot-two in his stocking feet (he never went barefoot – he spent every minute, whether awake or asleep, with stockings on his feet and a garter belt, but we don’t need to go into that portion of the story) – being so short, when he was consulted on the months and how long they should be, he insisted that one month of the year had to represent people of his height and so it was decreed that February, in honor of Mr. Heinburgersteinschmidtkellermichthoffen, would be that month.  Some people put the blame on Mame, some people blame it on Rio, some people say “don’t blame me,” others say they should blame it on my youth, but I’m afraid the blame rests solely with Mr. Heinburgersteinschmidtkellermichthoffen.  What the HELL am I talking about?

Here’s another little trip down the One from Column A memory lane.  As you know, I wrote a lot of What Ifs back then, only a handful of which made it into the What If musical revue.  I wrote endless What Ifs of Sweeney Todd, the best of which was the Frank Loesser version to the tune of Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat (Sit Down, I’m Slittin’ Your Throat).  I’d completely forgotten this one until I came across it, and I thought it was rather amusing so here it is – What if Cole Porter instead of writing Kiss Me, Kate had written Sweeney Todd.  And it goes something like this (to the tune of So in Love):

 

Strange, Judge

But true, Judge

When I look

At you, Judge

I want you to die

So insane

With rage

Am I

 

No one

Can save you

When I start

To shave you

You’ll bleed till you die

So insane

With rage for you

Am I

 

Each day at the chair, rehearsing it

I slit every throat in sight

My verdict – there’s no reversing it

Will you be a pie tonight?

 

When you stole

Johanna

I swore that

I’d plan a

Revenge oh so sweet

So insane

So insane

As I wait here with

My arm complete.

 

And how about this choice bit of classic One from Column A drivel?  I wrote this when the musical Chicago opened in Las Vegas with Chita Rivera and Ute Lemper.

Have you heard that Chicago is in Las Vegas? How can this be?  An entire city is now in another city. Not only that, but Chicago is also in New York. That is nigh unto impossible. You’ll notice that New York is not in Chicago, nor is Las Vegas in Chicago, and yet Chicago is in both of those cities. And would someone please tell me what that “gh” is doing on the end of “nigh”. Or why the word “nigh” exists at all. Anyway, Chicago is in Las Vegas. Do you know who’s in Chicago in Las Vegas? Why, that incredibly talented Chita Rivera, that’s who. And that Miss Ute Lemper.  Ute Lemper sounds like a Latin college motto to me.  Did you know that Chita Rivera is now playing Roxie instead of the role she created in the original Chicago? She originally created the role of Velma and yet she is now playing Roxie. I wonder and ponder if while she’s playing the role of Roxie, she’s thinking about the role of Velma, which, by the way, she created originally. I have heard from the horse’s mouth that Ute can be a bit of a pill. Yes, the horse’s mouth told me this, and I, for one, am grateful to the horse’s mouth. Yes, according to the horse’s mouth, that darn Ute can be a pill. She has been known to walk right off the stage in the middle of a performance and not come back. Perhaps that kind of behavior is acceptable in her native Germany, but when you do that sort of thing in Las Vegas people named Carmine show up. I hope that Ute understands this because when people named Carmine show up they usually bring along the horse’s mouth with them. I would like to see Chicago in Las Vegas, as I’ve only seen Chicago in Los Angeles (no mean feat). I have not seen Chicago in Chicago although I have been in Chicago and therefore must have seen Chicago even though I don’t recall seeing Chicago while I was in Chicago, but perhaps that is because I was in Chicago before Chicago was written, but if that’s the case how could I have been in Chicago if Chicago didn’t exist? These are the questions that make us ponder and wonder. Is senility even a question here? You tell me. But before I leave this paragraph, did you know that Oklahoma, which was recently in London, will soon be in New York. Then we’ll have both Chicago and Oklahoma in New York. Why hasn’t some enterprising author written a musical entitled New York? Then we could have New York in New York.

Wasn’t that choice drivel?  In any case, yesterday was, I suppose, a legitimate day.  I slept a little over eight hours, arising at eleven o’clock.  I did stuff on the computer and had a telephonic call, then went and had some lunch – a cup of chili and a turkey sandwich with no fries or onion rings.  Then I came home and began the big project of the day – Sandy’s new act.  First I came up with two versions of the show order, decided on which of them worked best, and then wrote all the patter.  That took up most of the afternoon, but it was great to get it out of the way.  Then I answered e-mails, caught up on stuff, and the day was done and done was the day, not necessarily in that order.  At some point, I finally sat on my couch like so much fish.

Last night, I watched the first forty minutes of Mr. Alfred Hitchcock’s film, Young and Innocent, starring Miss Nova Pilbeam.  I know it’s not considered top-tier Hitchcock of his English period, but I’ve always been very fond of it, thanks to the endearing Miss Pilbeam.  I’ll finish watching it this evening.

Today, I shall be up at six to announce the new Kritzerland title, which is the first complete release to the legendary screen musical, Stormy Weather.  The previous CD release, which has been out of print for over two decades, was not complete.  Our issue is on two CDs and has every bit of music save for seven seconds for which an overlay could not be found.  It’s an astonishing release of an important film, and it features such amazing performers as Lena Horne, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Cab Calloway, “Fats” Waller, Ada Brown, Mae Johnson and many others.  The complete film score tracks, running over seventy-six minutes, are on CD 1.  CD 2 contains all the bonus material.  In addition to what was on the previously released CD, we have, astonishingly, found four more songs that were recorded for but not used in the film’s final edit, two of which are sung by Mr. Calloway.  It’s a treat to be able to release this in conjunction with the new Twilight Time Blu-ray.  Notes are by Nick Redman.  Here’s the cover.  Do not delay in ordering.

KL_Stormy_Cov_72

Then I may or may not go back to sleep.  I’ve got stuff to do during the day, including eating something, hopefully picking up some packages, and doing some writing and organizing.

Tomorrow I have a work session at 12:30 for the Kritzerland show, and the rest of the week is meetings and meals, then resuming our show on Friday night for week three of our six-week run.  I also have a meeting for the ALS benefit – that’s on Saturday, and Sunday I’ll see the first act of our show, then go to the closing performance by George Carlin’s daughter at the Falcon Theater.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, announce our new title, hopefully print out a LOT of orders, eat, hopefully pick up packages, do stuff, write and relax.  Today’s topic of discussion: What are your favorite film musicals of the 1940s?  Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland, happy to have finally explained why February is the shortest month of the year.

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