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July 29, 2015:

THE RACCOONS OF STUDIO CITY

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, you’ve heard of the Clampetts of Beverly Hills. Well, get ready for the Raccoons of Studio City. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the Raccoons of Studio City, which could be a new sitcom but isn’t – yet. So, there I am, walking out of the house about three hours ago. I shut the front door behind me and walk to the gate, open it, but I hear something and turn around. And I see a critter crawling up a trellis to the roof. I thought to myself, “Myself, that critter is too big and too ugly to be a squirrel so just what the HELL is that critter anyway?” Well, after looking at it I surmised it was a raccoon. The raccoon looked at me and I looked at the raccoon and as I was looking at the raccoon I noticed two other raccoons climbing up beside raccoon one. They looked at me, too. Then I noticed there was a whole line of raccoons waiting their turn – they just kept on coming, probably six or seven in all. I walked back and told them all to amscray, to hit the road, but apparently they didn’t understand English. I don’t speak raccoon so we were at an impasse. I stared at them and they stared at me. I put on a scary face and they put on a scary face. I took a step closer, they stood their ground, which I found very impudent. Normally when you step toward a squirrel, for example, it has the intelligence to run for the hills. Not the damn family of raccoons. So, I just went on my merry way to Gelson’s, got some salsa, some low-cal vanilla ice cream and then came home.

I then immediately went to Google and searched “raccoon Studio City” and hit the damn jackpot. Apparently the raccoons LOVE Studio City. There are a bunch of videos on You Tube of raccoons on various roofs of Studio City or in yards of Studio City. I couldn’t believe my eyes, really. I’ve lived here for almost eleven years and NOW they show up? Also in the Google search were a bunch of raccoon wranglers, who come to your Studio City home and make sure the raccoons haven’t actually gotten into the attack to have sexual intercourses amongst their raccoon selves. So, I called one and they’re coming this morning to assess the raccoon situation. Hopefully they’re just relaxing on the roof during nocturnal visits. I don’t know if there’s anything they can do about that, but they’ll make sure there’s no way for any damn raccoon to get into the attic or anywhere else. Maybe they can put something on the roof that’s not appealing to a raccoon so that the raccoons will go find another residence to have their nocturnal visits. I’ll have a full raccoon report for you as soon as I know what’s what.

Otherwise, yesterday was a perfectly okay day. I only got seven hours of sleep, got up, answered e-mails, and then had a lunch meeting with Kay Cole. We discussed many things including cabbages and Kings, notably Carole and Tut. We talked about potential songs for her album and we both ate turkey sandwiches with no fries or onion rings.

After that, I came back home and did some work on the computer, worked on the song I’m writing (music’s all done and a third of the lyric is done), and then I finally sat on my couch like so much fish.

Last night, I watched a really interesting and very entertaining documentary entitled Lost Soul on the Flix of Net. It’s about a director named Richard Stanley, who, in 1996 got a green light to make a new version of The Island of Dr. Moreau with an all-star cast, including Marlon Brando, Bruce Willis and James Woods. Mr. Willis eventually dropped out as did Mr. Woods, replaced by Val Kilmer and Rob Morrow. It’s one of those wacky Hollywood run amuck films, with insanity prevailing at every turn. When it looked like Stanley might be replaced with Roman Polanski before shooting even begins he calls a friend who does voodoo and suddenly Polanski is out and he’s indeed going to make his film. With out of control stars (Val Kilmer really does sound like a complete and utter jerk) and some unsupportive members of the creative team, Stanley is let go and John Frankenheimer is brought in to finish the film. He and leading lady Fairuza Balk can’t stand each other. He also can’t stand Kilmer or Brando. When Brando arrives it’s everything you’d expect – he turns it all into a circus with his wacko behavior and approach to the part. They manage to complete the film and it’s the disaster it deserved to be. The documentary is very funny at times, and everyone is very candid. But, it’s Richard Stanley at the center and he’s wildly entertaining and certainly weird. I really recommend this to one and all and also all and one.

Then I went through the Kritzerland commentary once again and made a bunch of little futzes and finesses and I’m happy with it now. We’ve already cast most of the September show, too, so that’s great.

Today, the Raccoon Wrangler comes sometime between nine and ten, so I won’t be getting more than eight hours and probably not more than six or seven. Then we have our noon o’clock rehearsal, then I’ll eat, hopefully pick up some packages and then relax.

Tomorrow we have our second Kritzerland rehearsal, Friday I have a lunch engagement, Saturday is our stumble-through, and Sunday is sound check and show.

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, have a rehearsal, eat, jog, hopefully pick up packages, and relax. Today’s topic of discussion: It’s Ask BK Day, the day in which you get to ask me or any dear reader any old question you like and we get to give any old answer we like. So, let’s have loads of lovely questions and loads of lovely answers and loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland, amazed that we have what is apparently a raccoon epidemic here in Studio City.

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