Well, dear readers, we had us a rather wonderful matinee yesterday. Warning: Long notes ahead. I couldn’t reveal the special something that I knew was going to happen because we didn’t want any chance of it leaking to Sami. All she was told before the show was that an important person from HBO was coming (and that was a fib). So, we knew she’d be on her A game – and we did our usual mantra before the show, with me telling her to have FUN and then us saying our three key words: Joy, Energy, Storytelling. I always pretty much know by now how the show’s going to go just from Sami’s entrance and the opening speech. And I knew the minute she stepped foot on the stage that it was going to be our best performance thus far and it certainly was. We had a nice-sized crowd of very friendly folks who were there to be entertained and have a good time. It’s so helpful to have a demonstrative audience. This show has some built in issues that cannot be overcome – one being that if our audience is front loaded with the kinds of parents and kids that Molly rails on about, then guess what – they don’t want to hear that railing as it hits a little close to home. And we’ve certainly had some members of our audience where you could just FEEL that.
Not so with this crowd. They were hers from the get-go and all the laughs were there right from the beginning. And of course having that reaction empowers a performer and it empowered Sami, who was just the best, with no fumfers, energy galore, timing all the laughs perfectly, and landing all the musical numbers. It was, for me, very moving to watch her finally be 100% in her element. It’s what we’ve been working so hard for. Comedy is hard. They say you can’t teach people to be funny on stage, and that’s partially true. But you can teach how to time a look or a glance or the rhythm of a line, and from that a performer learns certain basic things about comedy – so to see all that take hold was wonderful. I had not a single note and I am a merciless picker of nits, as most of you know. I don’t really like to settle for less than perfection.
So, to the special something we had to keep mum. The second song in the show is called “I Want” and it’s what the ASCAP/BMI workshops tell you you must have as the second song – your lead character’s “want” – I don’t believe in rules or absolutes, but it made me laugh to actually write a song called “I Want.” I asked Sami to make me a list of everything she wants. A few days later, I received a rather long and funny list. To wit:
7 Tony’s – one more than Audra
5 Oscars – one more than Katherine Hepburn and 2 more than Meryl Streep
To be on pointe shoes – and be good and really flexible
I’d like to be a great gymnast, but i can barely do a cartwheel.
To be an awesome tapper – i’m pretty good, but i want to be able to do anything.
To be on a major sitcom and win some Emmy’s while I’m at it.
I want to sing a duet with Hunter Parrish and then have him ask me out on a date. But seriously I want to sing a duet with him and he will instantly fall in love with me. And when he records a cd, he’ll ask me to sing on some tracks with him.
I want to play the following roles, but I’m sure I’m forgetting some. Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) Fanny Brice (Funny Girl) Eva Peron or Mistress (Evita) Cassie (A chorus line, because I’m never going to play Morales) Annie Oakley (Annie get your Gun) Rizzo (Grease) Ado Annie (Oklahoma) Amber (Hairspray) Rosie (Dogfight), Reno Sweeney (Anything Goes) Roxie or Velma (Chicago) Adelaide (Guys and Dolls) Sally Bowles (Chicago), Nancy (Oliver) Elphaba or Galinda (Wicked) other parts I will never get but would like to get: Maria (WSS) Aida (Aida), but I could get Amneris so that would be OK and Kim (Miss Saigon) but I guess I could get the wife, not the same though.
I would like to originate at least 5 roles on Broadway, I would like my name to be bankable!
To not have to audition and get only offers. I would like to get a lot of offers.
To have a lot of money so I never have to worry and my family never has to worry about it.
To have a personal stylist, I hate shopping and I want someone to buy all my clothes for me.
To be able to eat anything and never have to worry about it.
To not have hair on my legs and to have more hair on my head.
To have straight A’s for the next 4 years of high school and never have to study too hard for them.
To land all the leads in my high school musicals and when it comes time for college, if I go, have all the theatre depts fight for me, including Yale & Harvard even though I don’t have the grades, they won’t care. And a full scholarship too!
I want 3 kids, 1 girl who is born first with blue eyes and blonde hair and 2 twin redheaded boys with blue eyes
I want a really great and very cute dog that loves me and obeys me and is so well trained that it picks up it’s own poop and throws it away and it never throws up.
Now, how does one create a song from a list like that? I sat at the piano for days trying to puzzle it out. Then a tune came to me and I was able to start making sense out of the first couple of lines of the song. I removed a few things, then basically just set the list to the tune – I had to move things around, adjust, put in rhymes, but it’s basically the list – it was really fun. Here is the resulting lyric so you can see how this evolved.
I WANT TO WIN SEVEN TONYS
THAT’S ONE MORE THAN AUDRA (MACDONALD)
I WANT TO WIN FIVE OSCARS
THAT’S ONE MORE THAN KATHERINE HEPBURN AND TWO MORE THAN MERYL STREEP
I WANT TO BE EN POINTE
I WANT TO BE A GREAT GYMNAST
THOUGH I CAN’T EVEN DO A CARTWHEEL
WANT TO BE A GREAT TAPPER
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK
I WANT TO BE ON A SITCOM
AND WIN LOTS OF EMMYS, WHILE I’M AT IT
I WANT TO SING A DUET
WITH HUNTER PARRISH WHO’LL IMMEDIATELY FALL IN
LOVE WITH ME
AND WHEN HE MAKES HIS CD
HE’LL WANT ME TO SING WITH HIM
AND THEN HE’LL WAIT FOR ME
FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS
‘CAUSE I’M ONLY FOURTEEN
I WANT TO PLAY THE FOLLOWING ROLES
THOUGH I’M SURE I’M FORGETTING SOME
ELLE WOODS FROM LEGALLY BLONDE
FANNY BRICE FROM FUNNY GIRL
AND EVA FROM EVITA
CASSIE IN A CHORUS LINE, RIZZO IN GREASE
AND ADO ANNIE AND ANNIE OAKLEY AND RENO SWEENEY AND ROXIE OR VELMA
FRAULEIN SALLY BOWLES
AND DON’T THINK ME WICKED BUT ELPHABA OR GALINDA
HOW’S THAT FOR A START
JUST GIVE ME THE PART
BECAUSE
I WANT TO ONLY GET OFFERS AND NEVER AUDITION (HA HA HA)
I WANT TO HAVE TONS OF MONEY
SO I DON’T HAVE TO LIVE AT HOME TILL I’M THIRTY OR BORROW FROM MY FAMILY
I WANT A STYLIST WHO’LL BUY CLOTHES FOR ME
BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND SHOPPING
THOUGH I KNOW WHAT I LIKE
I WANT TO EAT WHAT I WANT
AND THEN NEVER GAIN WEIGHT
I WANT TO BE A GOOD PERSON
THOUGH SOMETIMES I’M STUBBORN (ASK MY MOTHER)
I WANT STRAIGHT A’S FOR THE NEXT
FOUR YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL AND I NEVER REALLY WANT TO STUDY TOO HARD
AND COLLEGES WILL BE FIGHTING FOR ME
I WANT TO HAVE THREE KIDS
ONE GIRL, TWO BOYS
AND A DOG WHO LOVES ME AND IS SO WELL TRAINED
THAT HE PICKS UP HIS POOP AND THROWS IT AWAY
AND THAT’S WHAT I WANT
THAT’S WHAT I WANT
YES, THAT’S WHAT I WANT
AT LEAST FOR TODAY.
Anyway, this is the long-winded way of getting to the POINT, which is the lyric “I want to sing a duet with Hunter Parrish who’ll immediately fall in love with me.” As you can see from Sami’s original list, she has a teen girl crush on Mr. Parrish. So, from the beginning I told her mother that we had to find a way to get Hunter to the show, as a surprise for her. Neither of us had any luck figuring it out, and I was at the point where I was going to suggest going through his agent. But two weeks ago divine intervention happened. We had a school chum of Sami’s mom attend the show with his daughter. After, he brought up the Hunter Parrish lyric and I said we really wanted him to see the show. And this lovely gentleman told us that he knows Hunter’s mom and is very friendly with the family. So, he got that ball rolling and we found out quickly that Hunter was coming to yesterday’s matinee. We then cleared it with him that for the audience participation bit in The Dissection of the Frog, that we’d have Sami take him up. Sami doesn’t choose the “mark” whose going to come up – I do. I look at whose there, generally choose the person I feel will be the most awkward and uncomfortable, and then we text her the location and exact seat and that’s who she takes up. Hunter and his family arrived just before curtain and took their seats. When the front rows are filled, which they were, you can’t really see the people beyond row three, and we’d placed Hunter and his family in row four.
So, comes the moment and Sami comes out in the audience, looks around and then goes to row four. Hunter was hunched down in his chair and had a hat on. Sami said, “I think – YOU.” He looked up at her and the look on her face was absolutely priceless and hilarious. He kind of played at not moving from his seat, and we have dialogue built in if that happens and it was so funny to watch her do it (she usually doesn’t have to as the “marks” normally get right up). She took him by the hand and led him to the stage. And he was great – no grandstanding or trying to be funny – which, of course, makes it all VERY funny, and I have never seen her have so much fun doing that number – she’s always great in it and it’s always a little unpredictable, but it was just magical. After the number, she leads him back to his seat, and then takes the cart on wheels off stage. As she turned around to wheel the cart off, she had the funniest “Oh my God” look on her face and it made me laugh out loud. Here she is on stage with Hunter.
And as if things couldn’t get better, she went into the next monologue, which is about common core math, and just before she’s about to demonstrate the problem, you can hear a really loud cell phone giving directions. It was someone I know sitting across the aisle from me – she’d been shooting video of the Hunter and Sami thing, shut the phone and accidentally hit WAZE, which started giving loud directions. She tried to hit the volume button to make it lower but she hit the wrong button and it got louder. Sami, as she did last week, was right there and said “Okay, I hear a phone.” And she got her phone, went out in the audience, found the lady, and took a photo for the wall of shame. The lady said loudly, “I’m so embarrassed!” And the audience was screaming with laughter. It was amazing. Then Sami came right back onstage and picked up exactly where she’d left off.
The whole show was like that and the reason for it was so simple: She was having FUN. But it wasn’t only that – she was truly moving on the ballads, especially “He Was Grandpa” which was the best she’s ever done it, and also the anthem, “Let Me Sing,” which was also the best she’s done it. She got an instant standing ovation – I don’t believe in that stuff, but boy did she deserve it – and I’m here to tell you that the first one on his feet was Hunter Parrish.
She came out and I took her right to him. First off, he’s terrific – down to earth, sweet, funny and very positive. He hugged her, they took lots of photos and I do believe she was in seventh heaven or maybe even eighth heaven. In fact, I have photographs to prove it. Here they are together after the show.
Here we all are together – Hunter, Sami and a very proud writer/director/friend.
And here’s Sami and me.
We also had our very own Sandy Bainum in attendance – she was with her Inside Out co-star Dana Meller.
A couple of Kritzerland kids were there, too – the truly talented Brennley Faith Brown and Hadley Belle Miller.
Here’s Hunter signing a photo of Sami and her Want list – he signed right where his name is.
Finally, and Sami was okay with it (insert smiley face here), here’s Sami with Hunter and his brand new wife.
After the show, Sami, her mom, our stage manager, Greer Geissman, Alby Potts and I all went to the Smoke House for a truly great and funny meal. Every time I look at the menu I always want to try the fish and chips and in forty years of going there never have. So, Alby and I both ordered that. And it was GREAT. Really good tartar sauce (it’s ALL about the tartar sauce), really good fries. Sami and her mom split a steak and baked potato and Sami also had their yummilicious artichoke. Of course we had two full orders of garlic cheese bread, too. I think our stage manager had a steak, and Greer had some fish tacos, I think. It was a perfect show and a perfect meal. Here we all are.
Prior to all that, I’d had the Curious Incident of the Huge Truck Backing Up at Four in the Morning with all the Beeps. I couldn’t believe it. It was incessant. I’d only slept about two hours when I was awakened by it. I got up and there was one of those trucks, kind of a tow truck, but one that holds multiple cars. And this idiot kept pulling forward and then backing up (with the beeps) – over and over and over again. I’d finally had it and I went out there and got very vocal with the driver, who wouldn’t even look at me. Another neighbor was there and she told me that the car had a broken axle and this tow truck was trying to leave it on the street for the driver, who, I guess, lives on my street. I went back in, and after a few more tries they finally got it done and the truck left. It took me an hour to fall back asleep, and I ended up getting about seven hours.
After the show, I came home, answered e-mails and stuff, then sat on my couch like so much fish.
Last night, I finished watching The Satan Bug, starring Mr. George Maharis, Mr. Richard Basehart and Miss Anne Francis. It’s one of those germ warfare thrillers – I enjoy it, but it’s really not very good. It goes on too long, has no real set pieces, and there’s just too much yakking for its own good. The performances are fine, but mostly they’re spouting a lot of exposition. The transfer is mostly fine and thankfully the color is perfect.
Today, the helper is coming early to ship the Welcome to My World CDs – I do have signed copies for those that requested them. And the last of the mug and T-shirt packages are also going out so that we can never have to deal with that again. Then I’ll make a show order so I can begin writing the commentary. We’re all set other than still looking for a guest star. I’ll eat, I’ll hopefully pick up some packages, and that will be that.
The rest of the week is meetings and meals and then on Thursday we begin our final four performances.
Let’s all put on our pointy party hats and our colored tights and pantaloons, let’s all break out the cheese slices and the ham chunks, let’s all dance the Hora and the Electric Boogaloo, for today is the birthday of our very own JohnG. So, let’s give a big haineshisway.com birthday cheer to our very own JohnG. On the count of three: One, two, three – A BIG HAINESHISWAY.COM BIRTHDAY CHEER TO OUR VERY OWN JOHNG!!!
Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, ship CDs, eat, hopefully pick up packages, do a show order, write, and relax. Today’s topic of discussion: What are the funniest mishaps you’ve ever seen onstage and what are the funniest audience participation things you’ve ever seen? Let’s have loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland, happy that surprising Sami Staitman was so funny and joyous.