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January 31, 2021:

MOVIES THAT ARE SO BAD THEY’RE BAD

Bruce Kimmel Photograph bk's notes

Well, dear readers, may I just be the one to point out that it is the final day of January? How did that happen? It seems like only yesterday that I began writing a new book and was getting ready to shoot project one aka Tonight’s the Night and yet here we are and both those things are finished. And tomorrow is a new month, one I like to call February, and it is my fervent hope and prayer that February will be a month filled with health, wealth, happiness, creativity, and all things bright and beautiful. And the completion of a major miracle. But here I am, sitting here like so much fish, having watched one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and two-thirds of the way through another movie that’s not much to my liking. Both were loved by a majority of critics, which is so typical. The movies I really liked all were nitpicked to death by these same critics, but these two movies they fall all over themselves to praise and drool over because they’re trying to be with it and hip and show how now they are. One older reviewer who’s probably close to my age actually used the phrase “killer good” in a review. The first movie was entitled Malcolm and Marie, a two-character thing that takes place in real time and features two hideously self-centered characters that I wanted to brain. One is a filmmaker whose latest film has just premiered, and one is his girlfriend, who he forgot to thank in his speech. The entire close to two-hours of this thing is them arguing back and forth and forth and back – they’re black, by the way. The writer/director is the son of filmmaker Barry Levinson, a director/writer I’ve never really cared for much, but his son is soooo much worse. The drivel that these two actors have to spout is beyond belief. He gives the guy speeches upon speeches that belong squarely not to the character but to the writer/director. We get tons of his favorite movie references about films and other directors. It’s a real gab fest but the gab is horrible, and the director is equally bad. It’s all shot in one house in black-and-white on film – of course it is. I cannot express to you how much I hated this film. Apparently the two-million-dollar budget was put up by the writer/director and the actors. One would laugh at their folly, but they get the last laugh, as Netflix paid thirty million for the rights. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, I don’t know what will. I hope Netflix loses every cent of it. If this gets any nominations at all then the laugh’s on me, I suppose.  Wretched.

The second motion picture is a “quirky” comedy (that’s what the blurb said) that hasn’t a laugh in it save for one bit of blocking. It’s quirky all right but as the Gershwin’s wrote, but not for me. I’ve never heard of this “critically acclaimed” writer/director – Miranda July – apparently, she’s known for her one or two other quirky films that I never heard of. It’s called Kajillionaire, and stars Evan Rachel Wood, Richard Jenkins, and the reason I watched it, Debra Winger. I don’t mind quirky if it’s fun, but I do mind it when it’s for its own sake and especially when it just becomes irritating. I’m two-thirds of the way through and if Debra wasn’t in it, I would have shut it off long ago, although Evan Rachel Wood is fun to watch. Again, the critics think it’s brilliant stuff while admitting that many people won’t “get” it or like it. We “get” it all right – we’re not stupid. We just don’t buy it. I’ll take News of the World and The Father and The Life Ahead over this stuff any day of the week. I leave this stuff to the hipsters and they can have it. End of ranting about bad movies.

Yesterday was, I suppose, a day. I was up at eight-thirty after six-and-a-half hours of sleep. I went to Hugo’s and had pasta papa in the car, as I have for most Saturdays since they shut down outdoor dining in November. But I’ve always been the only one eating in their car in the parking lot, the ONLY one. But now, apparently, I’ve started a trend because yesterday morning there were two other cars with people eating their breakfast. Go know. The pasta papa was good, and I got some good proofing done, too, which killed a lot of time. I went to the mail place, but the mail hadn’t arrived yet. Much later, I found out that a package had indeed arrived.

Once home, I listened to music, but spent most of the day and evening proofing and I’m a mere thirty pages away from the end so I’ll probably finish that before I go to sleep. I saw the end credits of project one aka Tonight’s the Night, and they’re super cute and fun. So, all we’re waiting on is the final mix, which I’ll see this evening. If we like it, then that’s that. If we don’t, then we just use Marshall Harvey’s original version, which I’m okay with. But we’re both hoping a few things got smoothed out but that the levels are what we want and stuff like that. I had a couple of slices of pizza for my snack. And you know all about the movies, don’t you? You do.

Today, I’ll be up when I’m up, I’ll do whatever needs doing, I’ll enter all the fixes into the manuscript and then that can go to the proofers. I’ll hopefully pick up some packages (at least the one), I’ll eat something light but fun, and then at some point Marshall will come over and we’ll watch project one aka Tonight’s the Night straight through. After that, I’ll watch, listen, and relax.

Tomorrow is a new month, and please keep those most excellent vibes and xylophones coming for the successful completion of a major miracle. The week will mostly be the March Kritzerland show stuff, plus moving ahead with project two aka not ready to say yet.

Let’s all put on our pointy party hats and our colored tights and pantaloons, let’s all break out the cheese slices and ham chunks, let’s dance the Hora or the Wah-Watusi for today is the birthday of dear reader Michael Shayne. So, let’s give a big haineshisway.com birthday cheer to dear reader Michael Shayne. On the count of three: One, two, three – A BIG HAINESHISWAY.COM BIRTHDAY CHEER TO DEAR READER MICHAEL SHAYNE!!!

Well, dear readers, I must take the day, I must do the things I do, I must, for example, be up when I’m up, do whatever needs doing, enter fixes, hopefully pick up packages, eat, and then hear the new sound mix whilst watching project one aka Tonight’s the Night. Today’s topic of discussion: It’s free-for-all day, the day in which you dear readers get to make with the topics and we all get to post about them. So, let’s have loads of lovely topics and loads of lovely postings, shall we, whilst I hit the road to dreamland not wanting to watch any more movies that are so bad they’re bad.

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