haines his way

12/06/2001:
"FLUX"

Well, dear readers, I am in a state of flux. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I, bk, am in a state of flux. And here I thought I was in a state of California. I do not like being in a state of flux? I say a pox on those who cause people to be in a state of flux. Yes, I am decreeing a pox flux on those noxious few who cause flux to the peoples of the world, which, of course, would include me, who is, by the way, in a state of flux. I am also in a state of high dudgeon, whatever the hell that is. These are not states I would advise anyone to visit. Perhaps if I ate some lox I would not feel I was in a state of flux. Maybe I'll eat some lox, then decree a pox upon those who cause the flux. Or, perhaps I'll enclose those who cause flux in a box and inside the box I'll put the lox and the pox. Or, better yet, perhaps I'll just drop an ox on the box, thereby smashing the box, lox and pox along with the the state of flux. Perhaps I should just enter detox, because perhaps I am crazy. Yes, crazy like a fox, who is in a state of flux. Next thing you know I'll be babbling on about the chalice from the palace and the pellet with the poison and the vessel with the pestle and the brew that is true. Or is it the flagon with the dragon?
Oh, boy, am I going to get bitch-slapped by Mr. Mark Bakalor, or what? This is supposed to be the tease, and here I have written a novella entitled The State of Flux. Oh, it is all so unseemly, that I think the only thing one can do is to click on the Unseemly Button below and move on to greener pastures.
Welcome to Greener Pastures, which is far away from the state of flux. Well, let's talk about something interesting. For example, Donald Feltham has a lovely show planned for next Monday - in Donald's own words it's "'New York Now' as we work our way from South to North playing songs from what's currently playing on and off Broadway". That sounds great, doesn't it? Songs from all the currently playing shows in New York. How current we are, how cutting edge, how on top of it, how of the moment we are. This site, unlike me, is not in a state of flux.
We are also going to be adding a very strange feature, but one we hope you'll use. This was Mr. Mark Bakalor's idea and I think it a fine one. It is called the Unseemly Donation Button. As you know, it's not cheap to run a site like this, what with the radio show, plus we want to add some more new and exciting features and make this the most fun site on the internet (sure, we're being grandiose, but we can dream, can't we?). How this works is this: If you like visiting here, if you're having fun, and love the radio show, simply click on the Unseemly Donation Button and you can donate anything you like to keep this site totally cooliscious and swelegant. For example, if you can afford one dollar, donate one dollar. If you can't, don't, but keep enjoying the site anyway. If you are rich and powerful, donate hundreds, thousands of dollars and Mark and I will personally come to your home and bring cheese slices and ham chunks and we will dance the hora the whole night through. Isn't that a neat idea? Many free sites are doing it these days, and we're always one to jump on a bandwagon. It's very simple, too. You just click on the button and voila (or vwala) you are whisked away to a magic donation land and from there it's even simpler. Mr. Bakalor tells me that the Unseemly Button will be up by week's end, so watch for it and, if you're of a mind to, use it. You will have our unending gratitude.
That was a rather shameless paragraph, wasn't it? But if we can't be shameless, then what? We must, every now and then, be shameless or we will be in a state of flux, shameless-wise. What else can I tell you? Well, we didn't have nearly enough Unseemly Comments yesterday. As my close personal friend, Mr. Oliver Twist, would say, "I want more". I shall personally respond to each and every Unseemly Comment, how is that? Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I will respond to each and every one of your Unseemly Comments.
When I was doing a column on another unseemly website (if other unseemly websites are reading along - we're not talking about you), over at
www.sondheim.com , I used to have a trivia contest every week. What if, in order to boost traffic on the weekends, we started our very own brand spanking new handy-dandy contest right here at haineshisway.com? What do you think of that idea? We could pose the very difficult question on Saturday morning, and accept answers all the way up to midnight on Sunday. The winnner (or winners) would be announced on Monday morning and the winner (or winners) would win a special prize chosen by Mr. Guy Haines himself. Post your opinions about such a contest in the Unseemly Comment Box below.
Has anyone noticed that as the days go by these notes are more and more having a propensity to verbosity? That sounds like a Gilbert and Sullivan song, doesn't it?
I am the very model of a logical monstrosity
Who has a small propensity to wax with large verbosity.
Have you ever waxed with large verbosity? It is very painful, but waxing with anything is very painful, although I'm only supposing that since I have never actually waxed. Oh, I've waxed the floor, and I've waxed nostalgic, but I've never waxed my actual person. What the hell am I talking about? Wax, flux, lox, pox, box, ox... What is this propensity to verbosity only using words which end in "x". Perhaps we should just rename these notes, The "X" Files. Perhaps we should have a What If? If you don't know what a What If is, in other words if you're a new visitor to the state of flux, just go to the Unseemly Search Box and type in "What if". So, what if Stephen Sondheim had written The Life? And it goes something like this (to the tune of Into The Woods):
Into the whores,
We have to pay,
Cause that's the only
Way they play.
Into the whores
Without delay
I've got a hundred dollars!
Into the whores,
They offer sex;
But just for cash
No cards or checks!
They'll sleep with scum
Or with execs
That's how they earn their living.
They'll do it straight,
Or kinky, too.
They'll say you're great
Though it's not true.
They'll do it in chains
If chains are your thing.
They'll dress up like a sheep, dear,
But costumes don't come cheap, dear
Into the whores,
On beds or rugs;
They don't have time
To give you hugs.
They've got to run
And go buy drugs
To keep their boyfriends happy.
Into the whores,
You pay your bucks;
For large amounts
You get "deluxe".
After a while
The Life just sucks...
They pay the pimp,
They do the dirty
They flaunt
They flirt
They touch
They do
They smile
They moan
They tell you you're fabulous...
Into the whores,
Into the whores,
Into the whores,
Then out of the whores
And home to your wife.
Well, I must go and try to leave the state of flux. Perhaps if I rent a tux I won't be in flux. Tomorrow I will reveal who has a birthday coming very soon. Until then, I am, as I always was, and ever shall be...

Replies: 14 Unseemly Comments

Sounds to me like you need a FLUX CAPACITOR Mr. Kimmel... check out Back to the Future (1984) for details on how to obtain one...then you could store your flux and then release it back to those who should dare to cause such flux. Can't wait for the unseemly triva...nor the unseemly donation button. What if, in these hard times, musicals on Broadway merged. What if there was "The Sound of Sweeney" -- Kids...meet your new nanny! How about "The Music Man of La Mancha" or even "Annie Karenina" -- such a shame the cute redhead had to get hit by that train....
Posted by Craig @ 12/06/2001 09:49 AM PST

If I could send you flowers, they would be phlox! For the first trivia contest, perhaps the prize should be Haines box(er) shorts, just to drag this out to ridiculous lengths......
Posted by Pam @ 12/06/2001 10:06 AM PST

Well, let me think here a moment... who has a birthday coming up? Might it be Jane Wagner Lassner, she of the happy serendipity that brough Susan back? Penny and her dad, of Auld Lang Syne? Might it be the legendary BK, himself???
Posted by penny @ 12/06/2001 10:30 AM PST

I guess if we contributed to the cause we could call it SWEET CHARITY.Talking about sweetness and others of the ilk we can take the theme of today and ask for ILK and Hydrox.
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 12/06/2001 11:11 AM PST

Phlox flowers sound lovely to me, Pam. Penny is correct about any number of birthdays. When I was but a wee twig of a sprout of a laddie, I used to watch Sheriff John on television, who went out every day at noon live on Channel 11. And every day the Sheriff would wish his lunch brigaders who were having a birthday that day happy birthday. If you e-mail me when your birthday is approaching, I think I shall do the same. Isn't that a splendid idea?
Posted by bk @ 12/06/2001 02:16 PM PST

I don't remember Sheriff John that well, but I did appear as a special guest on both "Skipper Frank" and "Uncle Johnny Coons" in 1963, not long after I first discovered Miss G.
And speaking of birthdays, a very merry one to you, Mr. K.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 12/06/2001 08:44 PM PST

Unseemly Trivia?!? What a splendid idea! I delight in searching through that compendium of worthless knowledge I call a brain and pulling up minutiae. I'm sure such a contest would prove to both entertain and flummoX we, your loyal readers.
Posted by Jed @ 12/06/2001 09:45 PM PST

Must locate my Danny Kaye video. Love that pestle, poison vessel sequence. AND are they (whoever) really contemplating returning Two By Two to Broadway?
Thanks for the box of memories.
Tjg
Posted by Tom @ 12/07/2001 01:24 AM PST

Ah, yes, Sherrif John -
Put another candle on my birthday cake.
We're gonna bake a birthday cake.
Put another candle on my birthday cake,
I'm another year old today.
We'll have some pie and sandwiches
And choc'late ice cream, too;
We'll sing and play the day away,
And one more thing I'm gonna do...
I'll blow out the candles on my birthday cake,
And when I do, a wish I'll ma-ake...
Put another candle on my birthday cake -
I'm another year old today.
Posted by p. @ 12/07/2001 10:02 AM PST

Sherrif John was a great guy. Easy-going, kind, and wearing a star.
If the Flux Capacitor does not work, try the inter-rossiter. It's a long shot, but it just might work.
Posted by Steve Winter @ 04/08/2002 02:17 PM PST

Sherrif John was a great guy. Easy-going, kind, and wearing a star.
If the Flux Capacitor does not work, try the inter-rossiter. It's a long shot, but it just might work.
Posted by Steve Winter @ 04/08/2002 02:18 PM PST

I've noticed that one of the users of your website.Mr.Kimmel mentioned:"Skipper Chuck"Zink and "Sheriff John"Rovick.Those two men were popular kids tv hosts/performers in the Miami,Fla. and Hollywood,Ca. tv viewing area.But in NYC.We had our own memorable roster of kids tv performers and hosts."The Merry Mailman"(Ray Heatherton)was able to entertain and inform his viewers and his studio audiences on his show weekday evenings and afternoons for six years on WOR TV Ch.9 in NYC during the early to late 1950's and he entertained and informed his viewers on "The Merry Mailman's Funhouse!"Weekday afternoons from Monday September 25,1961 to Friday May 31,1963.Shari Lewis Also entertained and informed her viewers and studio audiences on her kids tv shows on WNBT TV Ch.4 and on WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC from 1953 to 1956."Officer Joe"Bolton was able to maintain law and order on"The Clubhouse Gang!"(The First NYC based kids tv show to air reruns of "The Little Rascals"Films")Monday Thru Saturday evenings on WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC From Monday January 17,1955 to Friday September 13,1957 and on "The Three Stooges Funhouse!"weekday evenings from Monday September 8,1958 to Wednesday September 6,1961.Bolton also entertained and informed his viewers on "The Dick Tracy Cartoon Show"as "Police Chief Joe"Bolton Weekday evenings From Thursday September 7,1961 to Friday August 31,1963.Sandy Becker brought his unique brand of puppetry,comedy skits,drawing talents and informational segments to his daily kids tv shows on WABD and WNEW TV Ch.5 in NYC From Monday April 11,1955 to February,1968.Mr.Becker was also the first host/performer on WABD/WNEW/WNYW TV Ch.5 NYC's Long running comedy/variety kids tv show:"Wonderama!".The show was seen Sunday Afternoons and Mornings and Saturday Mornings from Sunday September 15,1955 to September,1987.The other hosts of the show were:Herb Sheldon,Bill Britten,Sonny Fox,Bob McCallister,Laura Condon,Alana Brown,Dwight Williams,Bobby Clark,Pam Potillo,J.D.Roth,Claude Brooks,Laura McDonald and Emilio Esetvez(Not to be confused with the son of actor/dialectician:Martin Sheen).Chuck McCann and Paul Ashley hosted their own popular familt oriented comedy/varitey tv shows on WNTA TV Ch.13 in Newark,NJ/NYC/CT. and on WABD/WNEW TV Ch.5 and WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC From 1959 to 1967.Paul Tripp hosted "Birthday House"on WNBC(Formerly WNBT/WRCA)TV Ch.4 in NYC.From Monday April 1,1963 to Friday September 8,1967 and he served as the second host/performer of WOR TV Ch.9 NYC's:"Looney Tunes Show"Weekday evenings From Monday January 12,1959 to Friday July 10,1959.The other hosts/performers of Ch.9's "Looney Tunes Show"were Ginger MacManus,Herb Sheldon and Chubby Jackson.Mr.Sheldon had also hosted served as the second host of WABD TV Ch.5 NYC's:"Looney Tunes Show"from 1956 to 1958.The Other hosts of Ch.5's Looney Tunes Show were Sandy Becker and Bill Britten.Eddie Lawrence brought his unique type of Comedic characters to WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC.And "Uncle Joe"Bova & Chubby Jackson had hosted the weekday morning and Weekday evening editions of WABC TV Ch.7 NYC's:"Little Rascals Show"From 1957 to 1962.John Zacherley:"The Cool Ghoul!","Officer Joe"Bolton'"Capt.Jack"McCarthy and Ms.Carol Corbett hosted:"The Mighty Hercules Cartoon Show"Weekday evenings and afternoons on WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC From Monday September 9,1963 to April,1968.Claude Kirchner hosted a few cartoon shows on WOR TV Ch.9 in NYC from 1956 to 1968.Bob Keeshan's:"Corney The Clown","Uncle Joe"Bova and "Johnny Jellybean:(Bill Britten and Keith Hefner)hosted:"Time For Fun!"/"The Johnny Jellybean Show"Weekday afternoons and mornings on WJZ/WABC TV Ch.7 in NYC from Monday September 21,1953 to Friday June 24,1960."Tommy Seven"(Ed Bakey)entertained and informed his viewers and studio audiences on "The Tommy Seven Show"Weekday evenings and mornings and Sunday Afternoons on WABC TV Ch.7 in NYC From Monday September 12,1960 to May,1963."Capt.Jet"(Stan Sawyer and Joe Silver)entertained and informed their viewers and studio audiences on"Space Funnies"/"Capt.Jet"Saturday and Sunday Mornings from 1953 to 1960."Capt.s"Allen Swift,Ray Heatherton and Jack McCarthy kept their viewers on the streight and narrow inbetween the reruns of "The Paramount/Fleischer and Paramount/Famous Popeye"Movie cartoons and The King Features Syndicated "Popeye"Tv cartoons weekday evenings and afternoons from Monday September 10,1956 to September,1972.There were other talented people hosting kids tv shows:Fred Hall,Paul Winchell,Soupy Sales,"Beachcomber Bill"Biery,Hank Stohl,The Hope & Morey Bunin Puppets and "The Morey Bunin Aniforms"."Fireman Todd"Russell,"Cartoon Zookeeper":Milt Moss,Terry Bennett,"Freddie The Fireman"(Ed McCurdy),Joya Sherill,Carole Demas & Paula Janis,Carey Antebi,Ray Forrest,"Fireman Frank"(Scoey Mitchell),Roy Doty,"Capt.Video"(Al Hodge),Buster Crabbe,Morty Gunty,Mario Cantone."The Flexatoon Puppets",Gene London,Henry Burbig,The Paul/Mary and Mark Ritts Puppets,Dom Deluise(Yes! Mr.Deluise was the fourth and last host/performer and instructor of WJZ/WABC TV Ch.7 NYC's:"Tinker's Workshop!".The first three hosts/Performers/Instructors Were:Mr.Bob Keeshan,Mr.Henry Burbig and Mr.Gene London).Fred Scott ,Ed Ladd,Oscar Brand,Bill("BJ")Jackson),"The Magic Barn Painter"/"Bonamo The Magic Clown"(Doug Anderson)and"Bozo The Clown"(Bill Britten and Gordon Ramsey).There were alot of good kids tv shows that aired in every city and town of this country.Where these talented,creative and caring people were able to entertain and inform their viewers and studio audiences without patronizing or boring their audiences and without a Trouble making censor like a Peggy Charren telling them what to do."Ah! Those Were The Days My Friends..We'd thought they'd never end! We Fell In Love With all of our tv friends.The fun was ours to choose.We had fun and never loose.Because these guys and gals were fun and they really knew how to play!"(To paraphrase that old folk song's lyrics).Kevin S.Butler.
Posted by Kevin S.Butler @ 06/12/2003 02:50 PM PST

I've noticed that one of the users of your website.Mr.Kimmel mentioned:"Skipper Chuck"Zink and "Sheriff John"Rovick.Those two men were popular kids tv hosts/performers in the Miami,Fla. and Hollywood,Ca. tv viewing area.But in NYC.We had our own memorable roster of kids tv performers and hosts."The Merry Mailman"(Ray Heatherton)was able to entertain and inform his viewers and his studio audiences on his show weekday evenings and afternoons for six years on WOR TV Ch.9 in NYC during the early to late 1950's and he entertained and informed his viewers on "The Merry Mailman's Funhouse!"Weekday afternoons from Monday September 25,1961 to Friday May 31,1963.Shari Lewis Also entertained and informed her viewers and studio audiences on her kids tv shows on WNBT TV Ch.4 and on WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC from 1953 to 1956."Officer Joe"Bolton was able to maintain law and order on"The Clubhouse Gang!"(The First NYC based kids tv show to air reruns of "The Little Rascals"Films")Monday Thru Saturday evenings on WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC From Monday January 17,1955 to Friday September 13,1957 and on "The Three Stooges Funhouse!"weekday evenings from Monday September 8,1958 to Wednesday September 6,1961.Bolton also entertained and informed his viewers on "The Dick Tracy Cartoon Show"as "Police Chief Joe"Bolton Weekday evenings From Thursday September 7,1961 to Friday August 31,1963.Sandy Becker brought his unique brand of puppetry,comedy skits,drawing talents and informational segments to his daily kids tv shows on WABD and WNEW TV Ch.5 in NYC From Monday April 11,1955 to February,1968.Mr.Becker was also the first host/performer on WABD/WNEW/WNYW TV Ch.5 NYC's Long running comedy/variety kids tv show:"Wonderama!".The show was seen Sunday Afternoons and Mornings and Saturday Mornings from Sunday September 15,1955 to September,1987.The other hosts of the show were:Herb Sheldon,Bill Britten,Sonny Fox,Bob McCallister,Laura Condon,Alana Brown,Dwight Williams,Bobby Clark,Pam Potillo,J.D.Roth,Claude Brooks,Laura McDonald and Emilio Esetvez(Not to be confused with the son of actor/dialectician:Martin Sheen).Chuck McCann and Paul Ashley hosted their own popular familt oriented comedy/varitey tv shows on WNTA TV Ch.13 in Newark,NJ/NYC/CT. and on WABD/WNEW TV Ch.5 and WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC From 1959 to 1967.Paul Tripp hosted "Birthday House"on WNBC(Formerly WNBT/WRCA)TV Ch.4 in NYC.From Monday April 1,1963 to Friday September 8,1967 and he served as the second host/performer of WOR TV Ch.9 NYC's:"Looney Tunes Show"Weekday evenings From Monday January 12,1959 to Friday July 10,1959.The other hosts/performers of Ch.9's "Looney Tunes Show"were Ginger MacManus,Herb Sheldon and Chubby Jackson.Mr.Sheldon had also hosted served as the second host of WABD TV Ch.5 NYC's:"Looney Tunes Show"from 1956 to 1958.The Other hosts of Ch.5's Looney Tunes Show were Sandy Becker and Bill Britten.Eddie Lawrence brought his unique type of Comedic characters to WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC.And "Uncle Joe"Bova & Chubby Jackson had hosted the weekday morning and Weekday evening editions of WABC TV Ch.7 NYC's:"Little Rascals Show"From 1957 to 1962.John Zacherley:"The Cool Ghoul!","Officer Joe"Bolton'"Capt.Jack"McCarthy and Ms.Carol Corbett hosted:"The Mighty Hercules Cartoon Show"Weekday evenings and afternoons on WPIX TV Ch.11 in NYC From Monday September 9,1963 to April,1968.Claude Kirchner hosted a few cartoon shows on WOR TV Ch.9 in NYC from 1956 to 1968.Bob Keeshan's:"Corney The Clown","Uncle Joe"Bova and "Johnny Jellybean:(Bill Britten and Keith Hefner)hosted:"Time For Fun!"/"The Johnny Jellybean Show"Weekday afternoons and mornings on WJZ/WABC TV Ch.7 in NYC from Monday September 21,1953 to Friday June 24,1960."Tommy Seven"(Ed Bakey)entertained and informed his viewers and studio audiences on "The Tommy Seven Show"Weekday evenings and mornings and Sunday Afternoons on WABC TV Ch.7 in NYC From Monday September 12,1960 to May,1963."Capt.Jet"(Stan Sawyer and Joe Silver)entertained and informed their viewers and studio audiences on"Space Funnies"/"Capt.Jet"Saturday and Sunday Mornings from 1953 to 1960."Capt.s"Allen Swift,Ray Heatherton and Jack McCarthy kept their viewers on the streight and narrow inbetween the reruns of "The Paramount/Fleischer and Paramount/Famous Popeye"Movie cartoons and The King Features Syndicated "Popeye"Tv cartoons weekday evenings and afternoons from Monday September 10,1956 to September,1972.There were other talented people hosting kids tv shows:Fred Hall,Paul Winchell,Soupy Sales,"Beachcomber Bill"Biery,Hank Stohl,The Hope & Morey Bunin Puppets and "The Morey Bunin Aniforms"."Fireman Todd"Russell,"Cartoon Zookeeper":Milt Moss,Terry Bennett,"Freddie The Fireman"(Ed McCurdy),Joya Sherill,Carole Demas & Paula Janis,Carey Antebi,Ray Forrest,"Fireman Frank"(Scoey Mitchell),Roy Doty,"Capt.Video"(Al Hodge),Buster Crabbe,Morty Gunty,Mario Cantone."The Flexatoon Puppets",Gene London,Henry Burbig,The Paul/Mary and Mark Ritts Puppets,Dom Deluise(Yes! Mr.Deluise was the fourth and last host/performer and instructor of WJZ/WABC TV Ch.7 NYC's:"Tinker's Workshop!".The first three hosts/Performers/Instructors Were:Mr.Bob Keeshan,Mr.Henry Burbig and Mr.Gene London).Fred Scott ,Ed Ladd,Oscar Brand,Bill("BJ")Jackson),"The Magic Barn Painter"/"Bonamo The Magic Clown"(Doug Anderson)and"Bozo The Clown"(Bill Britten and Gordon Ramsey).There were alot of good kids tv shows that aired in every city and town of this country.Where these talented,creative and caring people were able to entertain and inform their viewers and studio audiences without patronizing or boring their audiences and without a Trouble making censor like a Peggy Charren telling them what to do."Ah! Those Were The Days My Friends..We'd thought the fun would never end! We Fell In Love With all of our tv friends.The fun was ours to choose.We had fun and never loose.Because these guys and gals were fun and they really knew how to play!"(To paraphrase that old folk song's lyrics).Kevin S.Butler.
Posted by Kevin S.Butler @ 06/12/2003 02:52 PM PST

I met Sherrif John Rovick when I was six years old. The encounter was not fun. He was at a grand opening of a home center in Van Nuys, California. It was in 1958, to be exact. He basically told me to "F.O. kid". My father heard it and took him to task. He signed my autograph book and disappeared into the night. He apologized two days later on his show(in general to the kids he quote:Missed that day). To this day, I am not enthralled about Sherrif John. Give me Chucko the Birthday Clown or Tom Hatten any day!
Posted by Dick Pennington @ 08/12/2003 06:00 PM PST

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