Well, dear readers, the suspense is killing me. Why is the suspense killing me? What did I ever do to the suspense that it should want to perpetrate a homicide on me? That is just heinous (heinous, do you hear me?), suspense-wise. In any case, I am being murdered by the suspense because I'm all atwitter to know just whose birthday is coming up shortly. Not coming up longly, mind you, no I'm all atwitter to know just whose birthday is coming up shortly. But before we get to that, let's send a big birthday wish to today's birthday girl, Jane Lassner. I've known Jane since high school, and we reconnect every few years. She found these here notes on the very day I mentioned Miss Susan Gordon, and she's the one responsible for contacting Miss Susan Gordon and the rest is history. An amazing series of coincidences, don't you think? In any case, Happy Birthday Jane (still happily married to high school sweetheart Keith, thirty-two years later!). Now, all you other Hainsies, don't forget to e-mail me your birthday information as the day approaches, so you can be mentioned right here in bk's notes II.

The suspense is still killing me, by the way - I think suspense is a little too into this killing thing, don't you? I think suspense gets off on this killing thing, don't you? Now, just who in tarnation has a birthday coming up shortly? Well, since this is the "tease" you'll just have to click on the Unseemly Button below to find out.

Welcome to Tarnation, a lovely place peopled by folks who have nothing better to do than sing Gee, Officer Krupke over and over again until you want the suspense to be killing them. Have I told you about the bird in my yard who sings show tunes? It's true - right now the bird is out there doing a wonderful rendition of Bye, Bye Birdie. Well, it's time to stop teasing and tell you who has a birthday coming up shortly, in fact, coming up tomorrow. Let's have a drum roll, please... Now, wait just a darn minute. A drum roll? Just what in hell is a drum roll? An onion roll I've heard of. A sweet roll I've heard of. But a drum roll? Just what in tarnation is a drum roll? Well, whatever the hell it is, let's have one right here and right now and also right now and right here. Because tomorrow's birthday person is none other than me. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, tomorrow's birthday boy is none other than me. Tomorrow I shall be a brand spanking new age, isn't that exciting? Well, it's exciting until you realize what that age is, then it's not so exciting anymore. Then it's just kind of nauseating and wholly unbelivable as well. Oh, how we shall celebrate tomorrow, and I hope you'll all join me right here at haineshisway.com for our official online birthday celebration. What fun we shall have. We shall wear our pointy birthday hats, and have confetti, and eat cheese slices and ham chunks galore. We will dance the hora, and then we will put on some rock and roll and dance the frug (gurf, spelled backwards). We will play spin the bottle and we will stick a pin in the tail of a donkey, and then someone will read the Tale of the Donkey (adults only, sorry) and then we will burst the pinata, and it will be the best birthday bash in Tarnation.

I think this calls for a special what if, don't you? Since the bird is outside singing its very Ann-Margretish rendition of Bye, Bye Birdie, what if Stephen Sondheim had written Bye, Bye Birdie? And it goes something like this (to the tune of Company):

Birdie, Birdie,
Birdie baby, Birdie buby-
Conrad, Conrad darling -
Birdie I've got something to tell you,
Birdie they are going to draft you...
Birdie they are going to take you away,
Birdie there is something we wanted to say...
Birdie honey, Birdie fella, is it Bye Bye?
Birdie darling, Birdie buby, I'm gonna cry -
Birdie babe I need you to help me
Have you ever heard of Sweet Apple?
Birdie can you go there on Saturday night?
Birdie if you can things will turn out all right!
Birdie can you go to Sweet Apple,
And while you're there sing a song?
Birdie will you go to Sweet Apple
And kiss a girl named Kim,
Please kiss a girl named Kim,
She loooooooooooooves you...

Hips thrust, groin moves, in comes Conrad B.
Girls lust, he grooves, in comes Conrad B.
One tune, they swoon, happily
They gawk, they talk - telephone calls...
They scheme, they dream when they see
Conrad's photos up on their walls.
So cute,
So cute, look at those lips,
So cute, shaking those hips,
Our Conrad is cute - and we're his
Good and crazy people his fans!
Those good and crazy people his teenage fans!
And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about, really about...
Conrad B!
Conrad B!
We love Conrad B.
We need Conrad B.
We want Conrad B.
Conrad B.

Last night I watched a DVD of a Bert I. Gordon film called Tormented (yes, Miss Susan Gordon, a very young Susan Gordon, was in it). Tormented is a film in which a very nice man is Tormented by the ghost of a person he used to be involved with. That is a terrible thing, to be tormented by the ghost of someone you were involved with. This ghost makes his life a living hell, and the fact is he should never ever have been involved with that person in the first place. That is the lesson he learns. Because once you are involved with the wrong person, they will apparently torment you ad nauseum. This particular bad woman, threatens him (him being Richard Carlson) and then she inadvertantly (or vertantly) falls off a lighthouse bridge, and Mr. Carlson does nothing to save her (as well he shouldn't - she's mean and very busty). Then her ghost comes back to haunt him and torment him ad nauseum. Or is it all in his imagination? It's a fine low budget movie and I enjoyed it very much indeed, but I kept hoping that the tormenting woman would get her just desserts (and I don't mean a cherry pie). Well, since she died, I guess she did. So, the moral of this film seems to be don't torment people or, if you happen to fall off a lighthouse bridge, the people you tormented will not lift a finger to save you.

Well, dear readers, I must away and do my daily stuff. And, of course, must prepare for our celebration tomorrow. I want all of you to show up in droves, I want lots of traffic tomorrow, I want birthday gridlock. Don't forget to post your comments in the Unseemly Comment Box below. Hopefully, the extremely busy Mr. Mark Bakalor can have his brand spanking new handy-dandy Unseemly Donation Button up over the weekend. Won't that be thrilling? Won't we be all atwitter here in the land of Tarnation?