Well, dear readers, I will soon be on my way to Encino, California, where I shall visit my very own dentist, Dr. Chew. Isn't that a fine name for a dentist? Dr. Chew will be cleaning my very own teeth because, like automobiles, teeth need servicing. I will have a full report on my visit to Dr. Chew tomorrow.

Last night, B... My Name is Bruce saw A... My Name Is Alice, at the Colony Theater in Burbank, California. First of all, the Colony Theater is a beautiful space. I wish I understood or could get with shows like A... My Name Is Alice, but I suppose musicals with elipses in the titles are beyond me. I just never really understood the point of the evening. It was just a bunch of numbers strung together in a happenstance way, all, of course, about women. But, the targets were predictable, and some have become quite dated. There were either funny numbers or moving numbers. The funny numbers were never really funny enough, and the moving numbers were never really moving enough. Some of this could be the fault of the production I was seeing. While there was certainly talent on the stage, everyone but the lovely Cindy Benson, tended to play out, play too big, as if they were playing a show at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion rather than the intimate Colony Theater. Certainly that kind of large playing doesn't suit this kind of material especially well, and presentational or "indicating" performances just don't do it for me. But the audience seemed to be having a good and fine time, so what do I know? Go down there if you're in the area, and see for yourselves. This is the same theater company that is currently doing a well-reviewed production of Side Show, which I shall try to see next week.

What am I, Ken Mandelbaum all of a sudden? Whilst at The Colony, I ran into an old acquaintence of mine, Miss Linden Waddell. I discovered Miss Waddell many year ago, when I did my musical Stages at Los Angeles City College - where she was a student at the time. Miss Waddell has gone on to do many shows, including the very long original LA run of Cats. She looked swell, has two children and a husband and it was nice to connect with her again. She was wonderful in Stages, singing a song (she reminded me) called The Girl That Men Go Mad For - a song that I have absolutely no memory of - isn't that weird? I'll have to whip out the album and remind myself what it is.

Have I mentioned that I'm getting my teeth cleaned by Dr. Chew? Yesterday I bought the DVD of the complete first season of The Larry Sanders Show, which I'm looking forward to starting this very evening. Well, as they used to say on the Howdy Doody show - "Do you know what time it is?" It's time to click that ridiculous Unseemly Button, that's what time it is.

Yesterday I saw the complete rough assembly of the Nudie Musical documentary, From Dollars to Donuts: The Undressing of The First Nudie Musical. It's really fun, and surprisingly informative. Nick did a great job with it. We'll be on-lining it, putting all the finishing touches on it, next week and then everything will be done.

And now, the reason for the title of today's notes.

I began telling the story last week, because a few things had happened that were very annoying to me. I thought that finally telling it would be cathartic and a way to set the record straight. But a strange thing happened: It was not cathartic at all. In fact, I would get up in the morning and automatically be in a foul mood, just knowing I had to continue it. I began to be short with people during the day, to be snotty. Have you ever been short and snotty with people? First of all, I'm five-foot-ten and in order to be short with people I have to kneel down, which is very uncomfortable. Then when you add snot to the equation, well, the whole thing is very unpleasant. And so, I have made a very difficult decision. I have decided to stop telling the story for now. There is simply no upside in telling it. What happened happened, and both parties involved in what happened are litigating against each other - thus, a court of law will decide what is fair and what is right in terms of those lawsuits. I also do not like dredging up negative things - I like the excitement and challenge of what lies ahead, not the rubble of what used to be. I'm sure the story will be told, when it's all over with. I'm sure that both parties think they are in the right, and the evidence, of which there is plenty, will speak for itself.

So, please don't be upset with me, dear readers. But I just don't want to feel the way I was feeling, especially knowing where the story was going. I want to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. I want to feel light as a feather, floating on a gentle breeze on a summer day. Wasn't that poetic? Wasn't that florid?

My teeth are aquiver with excitement, knowing they will soon be clean and shiny and sparkly white, thanks to Dr. Chew, Master Dentist. Here is something interesting: Our very own long lost Miss Susan Gordon and I will be doing the Ray Courts Hollywood Memorabilia show in late June. We will be amongst the celebrities signing things for people. Miss Gordon will be signing photos of her very own self from her various motion pictures and television programs, and I will be signing DVD copies of Nudie Musical as well as my very own novel. I'll also have some photos from some of my wacky television appearances. Neither Miss Gordon or I have ever done this before, so if you're in the Los Angeles area in late June, you simply must stop by and see us at our very own table. I'll give the details as we get closer to the event.

Well, I must go floss my teeth, because I can't be arriving with bits of chicken and macaroni and cheese in my teeth when I visit Dr. Chew. No, having bits of chicken and macaroni and cheese in my teeth would be unseemly, and it might cause Dr. Chew to look askance at me. I hate when people look askance at me. In fact, I hate the word "askance" because it is so very stupid-looking.

I shall return tomorrow, with clean teeth and a new perspective. Wait a minute, that sounds familiar. Excuse me for a moment.

I knew it! That's another Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest song. I can't even believe it. Well, we have to share it, don't we?

CLEAN TEETH AND A NEW PERSPECTIVE Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

I've got clean teeth and a new perspective
I'm on a new path, and I've no invective.
I am a happier sort,
If you don't like me happy,
Baby, take me to court

I've got clean teeth and a new perspective,
I've got a clean slate, and I'm now selective
No more a negative Joe
If you don't like the new me
Baby, then you're a shmo

I'm tapping my feet, I'm swingin' my butt
'Cause my pearlies are white and I'm tellin' you what

I've got clean teeth and a new perspective
I'm like a schoolboy with a new elective
And I elect to be happy and carefree
If you like my new thoughts, well then, grab some 'cause they're free...
Life is a floss and a brush,
The toothpaste of life really gives me a rush
I've got clean teeth and a new perspective
And baby, I'm feelin' alive and anew
With my clean teeth and my new perspective
And most of all, baby, with you.

I just love Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest. Maybe we'll do a CD of their songs and sell them right here at haineshisway.com. How do you like that idea, dear readers?

I'm really enjoying our topics of discussion. Today's topic: Continuing our desert island picks: What would be your ten desert island films? A few of mine would be (again, these may not all be classics, just films I never ever tire of watching): The Court Jester, The Searchers, Sullivan's Travels, Rosemary's Baby, Chinatown, North by Northwest... Your turn.