haines his way

03/22/2002:
"TAKE TWO TABLOIDS AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING"

Well, dear readers, this really takes the cake. A shame really, since I really wanted some cake - "this" is always taking the fershluganah cake and let me tell you, "this" doesn't need to eat any more cake because frankly "this" is getting as fat as "that". What the hell am I talking about? Oh, yes, this really takes the cake. Someone posted on a message board a link to an article in a London paper that said Liza and her brand spanking new husband Mr. David Gest were victims of a truly scary mugging in London yesterday. What is truly scary is that anyone believes this tripe. The publicity wheels are a'turnin', dear readers, make no mistake about it. At no time in this article does anyone mention a little something called "police". Apparently, the "police" were not involved in any way, shape or form. Usually if there is an attempted mugging, one informs the "police", yes? Here's what apparently happened, according to this "newspaper" or whatever the hell it is: Liza and her radiant new husband were in a Mercedes Benz limosine (notice how they get that little detail in the story immediately). They were at a stop sign. At that point, three "black boys" (according to this story, that is how Miss Liza Minnelli described the assailants) noticed that Miss Liza Minnelli was wearing an expensive bejeweled necklace. They noticed it because they saw it glinting in the light through a partially opened window in the limo. They then rushed to the limo, and one of the boys tried to stick his hand through the partially opened window to grab the necklace. When that didn't work, he tried the door, which was presumably locked. At some point when the assailants hand was in the window, the quick-thinking limo driver tried to raise the window and trap the boy. This didn't work, however. The limo driver then sped off, leaving the three "black boys" to go on their merry way. All this happened while they were stopped at a light in front or near a tube station. I do believe that people frequent tube stations, yes? No mention of other people in this story.
Now, they saw the necklace glinting in the light through a partially opened window in a black limosine? Right. And then they just walked up and thrust a hand through the half-opened window? Right. And Miss Minnelli just happened to be sitting right next to that open window? Right. And then they gave this story to the press but not the police? Right. Of course, the fact that the person who posted this story believed it is the most unbelievable thing of all. The most important detail in the story, however, was that Miss Liza Minnelli and her radiant husband, Mr. David Gest, had been out the night before until the wee hours of the morning. They'd then come back to their one thousand pound a night hotel suite (yes, they gave the cost) and told their butler not to awaken them one minute before three-twenty in the afternoon. Their butler! The article is accompanied by a photo of Miss Judy Gar..., oops, sorry, Miss Liza Minnelli (she really is doing herself up just like Mum now) and her radiant husband, Mr. David Gest. For those who do believe the story, I have some toe nail clippings that I will sell you - they're really valuable, too.
I spent most of yesterday consolidating the notes of my three proofers. An endless ordeal - I then typed them all up, and also red-marked the galley - I do hope this is the final go-through, although I do get one more chance to fix anything after they do these fixes and send me one more galley. I really thought we'd caught mostly everything the last go-round, but we found an amazing amount of small things (plus the errors that the publisher somehow made in formatting it - mistakes which are correct in the manuscript they were sent - how those things happen I have no idea). In any case, we're definitely in the final stages and soon I trust we can put the thing to bed and then all of you can read it.
Well, I see that it's time to click on that Unseemly Button before someone notices my bejeweled necklace glinting in the light and tries to thrust their hand through the partially opened window of my black Merceds Benz limosine which I use when I'm not in my thousand pound hotel suite not being awakened by my butler.

I had some more laserdiscs transfered to DVD, including one of my all-time favorite film noirs, Fritz Lang's The Woman in the Window, starring Mr. Edward G. Robinson and Miss Joan Bennett, with able assist from Dan Duryea and Raymond Massey. What a great movie - very moody and nightmarish, with terrific performances by all. Funnily, when I read Mr. Ira Levin's sequel to Rosemary's Baby, Son of Rosemary (I'm probably one of the few who enjoyed it), he mentions The Woman in the Window in the book, early on, and I sat there thinking, why? Why of all movies mention that one? When I got to the end of the book I realized I should have known why. To understand what I'm talking about, see the movie and read the book. Isn't that enigmatic? Oh, by the way, one of our dear readers asked if the macaroni and cheese at Dalt's was as good as the macaroni and cheese at Musso and Frank. Well, they are totally different animals. For example, the macaroni and cheese at Dalt's is a zebra, while the macaroni and cheese at Musso and Frank is an elephant. No, the two macaroni and cheeses could not be more different - the Musso and Frank macaroni and cheese is in the classic mold, whilst the Dalt's macaroni and cheese is in the Dalt's mold - three cheeses over noodles that look more like penne pasta than macaroni pasta.
Don't forget, tomorrow is our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest, and Sunday Donald will be putting up a brand-spanking new radio show. I'm sure he'll be around soon to tell us what's in store. In the meantime, if you haven't heard the current show with Miss Lisa Richard and myself, do tune in. I had dinner with our very own Vinnie Cirilli and his lovely girlfriend Miss Stefanie last night, and Vinnie and I are going to do one of these radio shows with Donald - and let me tell you that that show will be not only wild and wooly, it will also be wooly and wild.
Well, I must go finish red-lining the galley, then go off to a benefit rehearsal. I do hope that no uncouth interlopers notice my dazzling bejeweled necklace (in the shape of a crucifix) and try to mug me. That would bug me. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I get bugged when I'm mugged, and I also get mugged when I'm bugged. Today's topic of discussion: What are your favorite Bock and Harnick songs. I'll start - the entire score to She Loves Me (especially Tonight at Eight, the title song and Dear Friend), Too Close for Comfort, Now I Have Everything and Tradition. Your turn.

Replies: 16 Unseemly Comments

Bruce, thanks for the clarification on the macaroni and cheese. As for the Liza story taking the cake, I'm afraid someone left the cake out in the rain. As for Bock and Harnick, almost the complete score to "Tenderloin" (especially "Little Old New York").
"Mister Wonderful" and "Too Close For Comfort" (almost anybody's version, and there are aplenty) are great. "Tonight at Eight" would have to round out this particular list. You want any more Johnny Mercer songs? I'm still thinking of them!
Posted by Kerry @ 03/22/2002 09:02 AM PST

I hope that this unseemly event doesn't change Liza and David's plans to adopt four children of different races in the near future (as they confided in a magazine interview recently). Everybody knows that only tacky Midwesterners acquire their offspring as a matched set; the In Thing is to pick them up piece-by-quirky-piece. Although heaven only knows why L & D didn't just list "children" when they were registering for their other "must-haves" before the wedding. Now they'll have to purchase the little darlings themselves!
I'm signing the kids to a contract ASAP giving me the rights to their future "Mommie and Daddie Dearest" tell-alls.
Posted by Lulu @ 03/22/2002 09:23 AM PST

Didn't you ask for favorite Bock & Harnick songs, means ones they composed together. Harnick wasn't involved in Mr. Wonderful, only Bock, so if you meant joint compositions, Too Close For Comfort and Mr. Wonderful are out.
Posted by steveg @ 03/22/2002 09:33 AM PST

Hmmm.... Liza, publicity, is it me or do those two words go hand in hand?
My best friend and I were joking about Liza's wedding how we weren't invited seeing how everybody else in the free world was. And now, we have to feel Liza's pain and how those 'three black kids' felt 'no joy' by not getting her diamond crucifix... like she's a practicing Catholic, anyway. I must say, though, it was quick thinking by the chauffer to close the window!! :-)
I just hope Liza's recovered from her ordeal and will find peace and comfort in her new, happy marriage. As David Gest said, "I know who I am, Liza knows who she is. We'll die in each other's arms" (as said to Larry King).
Long live Bruce!!!
Posted by Paul @ 03/22/2002 09:38 AM PST

actually, Bruce, the Broadway Radio Show for this Sunday will be our encore presentation of the very first show we did with Susan Egan as we play songs from her brand new CD "So Far"
the following Sunday we will return with a whole new show with writer/director Mark Savage as we listen to songs from the new cast recording of "Pinafore!"
Posted by Donald @ 03/22/2002 10:13 AM PST

If we can have Bock without Harnick we can certainly have Harnick without Bock. I love Harnick's revue songs "When The Sea Is All Around Us," "Merry Little Minuet," "The Shape of Things" and the complete "Medea in Disneyland." Almost everything B&H did together deserves mention, especially all of She Loves Me! But they weren't exactly slumming with The Apple Tree, Fiorello, Tenderloin, Fiddler on the Roof, The Rothschilds, Man on the Moon, etc.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 03/22/2002 10:41 AM PST

Alright, I apologize for the B without H songs. It's all Johnny Mercer's fault!
Posted by Kerry @ 03/22/2002 10:57 AM PST

Favorite B&H -- the aching romanticism of "Will He Like Me?", and the loving humor of "Do You Love Me?" And both question-songs to boot.
Posted by Phil Crosby @ 03/22/2002 11:17 AM PST

"Garbage" is another great Harnick revue song (which I'm currently arranging for Portland's superb Susannah Mars, so it's stuck in the ol' brain). I am particularly partial to "The Rothschilds"; I feel it's an unfairly neglected score with some real gems, including "Sons" (as Daddy to two myself, it's particularly meaningful to me) and "He Tossed a Coin." Has this show ever been revived? And if not, why not?
Posted by JMK @ 03/22/2002 11:31 AM PST

I adore the picture of Liza's wedding party, featuring her two bridesmaids, Liz Taylor and Mary Tyler Moore. Wait - isn't that Mary with that parted in the middle 60's 'do, Peter Pan collar, junky jewelry, and surgically stretched face? MICHAEL JACKSON?
I've been lucky enough to do THE APPLE TREE and SHE LOVES ME, and I love both of them above and beyond FIDDLER, which, to me, is trying a little too hard. The wistfulness of the Overture of SHE LOVES ME, leading directly into "Good Morning, Good Day" is the sweetest Bock and Harnick sequence I know.
Posted by BobG @ 03/22/2002 11:53 AM PST

I can't believe no one's mentioned "When Did I Fall in Love" from FIORELLO! God, I love that song....
I also love "Gorgeous" from The Apple Tree (I know, it's silly, but I love it!), and "Tonight At Eight" from She Loves Me...
Posted by Anita @ 03/22/2002 02:25 PM PST

Penny by Penny from their version of A Christmas Carol is a very sweet song. When did I fall in love -- especially sung by Audra McDonald. I concur with the entire show She Loves Me as well. How about In My Own Lifetime from the Rothchilds, or Little Tin Box from Fiorello and Far from the home I love from Fiddler...
Posted by Craig @ 03/22/2002 08:42 PM PST

I love Fiddler, especially Now I Have Everything. I think Fiddler is pretty much perfect. I also love Will He Like Me? and She Loves Me.
Posted by Lolita @ 03/22/2002 09:43 PM PST

It's late enough that probably not many will read this, but I'll still weigh in with my vote.
First that comes to mind is "Chavaleh" from Fiddler. Also from Fiddler, "L'Chaim" and "Tevye's Dream"...just great fun to sing those. I've always loved belting out "you must have heard wrong, Grandma...". "Eve," "It's a Fish," and the title song from The Apple Tree, as well as "Tonight at Eight" from She Loves Me. I am shamefully lacking in knowledge of Fiorello and their other scores, so this list is the best I can do.
Posted by Jed @ 03/23/2002 02:43 AM PST

As usual, an impossible task, when you have a team that manages gorgeous ballads, hilarious comedy songs, perfect musical scenes--everything, in fact, that makes life worth living.
Can't you ask us a bout, say Llord Lloyd Weber? Then, without Tim Rice, we would have only a handful to choose from.
Herewith, off the top of my head:
"My Gentle Young Johnny", pure, beautiful longing.
"Artificial Flowers", and a tip of the Hatlo hat to Bobby Darin
"The Picture of Happiness", the perfect antithesis of "Artificial Flowers".
"Dear Friend"--both of them. I think the one from TENDERLOIN is a musical gem. Who else has written two totally different songs with the same title?
"Little Old New York", so much grittier than all the other I-Heart-NY songs.
"You Are Not Real" When I first heard Alan Alda sing that, I had just graduated from Caltech, taking physics with Richard Feynman. Little did I know that Alda would eventually play my physics professor on stage.
"Oh to Be a Movie Star" Sometimes Totally Cute actually works.
"The Bum Won" and
"Politics and Poker" capture the flavor of the era so perfectly, plus "A Little Tin Box".
"Marie's Law" in the original, uncensored version, which I find offensive but unfortunately very authentic to the era.
For further offensiveness, let's restore "Tango Tragique" to productions of SHE LOVES ME.
"Go to Sleep, Whatever You Are", for what it says about parenting.
"She Loves Me" for lyrical whimsy.
And everyone must visit my friend Frank Kelly's Bock & Harnick Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Orchestra/4626/Bock_and_Harnick.html
Bill
Posted by William F. Orr @ 03/23/2002 08:41 AM PST

CORRECTION:
Although I still want to include "Marie's Law", my comment on offensiveness clearly relates to the wife-beating in "The Very Next Man". Senility strikes again.
And how could we all leave out "Unfair"? Or anything else they've written, for that matter.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 03/23/2002 09:00 AM PST

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