haines his way

03/25/2002:
"THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE OSCARS"

Well, dear readers, it was a whole new production team responsible for the Oscars this year. Gone (mercifully) were the Debbie Allen dancers, gone were production numbers, gone was Bill Conti, gone were the cheesy sets, gone were the complete renditions of the nominated songs throughout the show. Yes, this was a new, streamlined Oscar show, so isn't it funny that despite everything it was still maybe the longest Oscar show in history, clocking in at an astonishing four hours and twenty minutes? Certainly at that length it was one of the most yawn-inducing Oscarcasts ever. Very little of the weirdly sublime kookiness that one looks forward to on this show. After a time (probably the three hour mark) I began to yearn for Miss Debbie Allen's dancers, just so I'd have something to scream about. I knew we were in trouble when the show opened with Mr. Tom Cruise. I like Mr. Tom Cruise as much as the next person, but I would not open an Oscarcast with him. That is just my opinion, of course. These days Whoopi seems to think she's funnier than she actually is - although towards the end she finally got off a couple of good ones.
So, what were the highlights and lowlights? For me, there was one highlight and that was Mr. Woody Allen, who was terrific in his little segment, and it was great that he came out to do it. I like Mr. Robert Redford, so I enjoyed his segment, too. And Sidney Potier, who is very classy indeed, and who looks pretty damn swell at seventy-five years of age. And Mr. Randy Newman finally winning the Academy Award made the whole show worthwhile. His was the best acceptance speech of the evening. And even though they didn't belong there, the marvelous Cirque du Soleil folks. Nathan Lane was amusing, too.
The lowlights? Where to start? Julia Roberts, who is fast becoming a blithering idiot and total goofball ("I got to kiss Sidney Potier...sorry, honey." and then grabbing on to Denzel Washington as if she were going to shtup him right then and there). Gwynyth Paltrow's dress (and the fact that she managed to look absolutely nothing like Gwynyth Paltrow). Having high-class actors, Donald Sutherland and Glenn Close as backstage announcers. Enya (enough already). And, excuse me for living, Halle Berry. Now, I say Halle Berry knowing full well I will be lambasted and yelled on by most. I know she was excited, I know she was touched, I know she was emotional... But she won an award for a performance in a film. She did not win an award because she's a person of half-color. Was it historic? Sure. But to go on and on and on and on about it was too much. Others throughout the evening managed to be gracious and not over the top (and succinct), such as Mr. Denzel Washington. When she named her lawyer and then screamed at John Williams who, after five minutes, was probably raising his baton to throw at her, well, I began to scream at Miss Halle Berry to get off my television screen.
Oh, now I feel bad that I lambasted poor Halle Berry. After all, it was a momentous moment and she was so emotional and had to let it all out. I was sad that Mr. John Williams did not win for A.I., but happy for Howard Shore, even though I don't like his score for Lord of the Rings. And I was happy for Miss Jennifer Connelly, an actress whose career I've been following since discovering her in Mr. Sergio Leone's marvelous Once Upon a Time in America. In fact, unbeknownst to her, I was semi-responsible for her next job, Seven Minutes from Heaven. A producer, Fred Roos, was desperately looking for someone for that film, and after I saw Miss Connelly, I recommended that he run, run, run (that is three runs) to the Vogue Theater in Hollywood to see her. He did, and she got the part. In any case, let's get to the dirt, the dish. But, in order to get to the dish and the dirt we must click the Unseemly Button below.

Now for the dish and the dirt, not necessarily in that order. First of all, Miss Jennifer Connelly seems to have had a breast reduction. Originally she had not small breasts (at the time of The Hot Spot, when said breasts were revealed to all who saw the film), but they were in proportion. By the time of Mulholland Drive (the first Mulhullond Drive, with Nick Nolte) her breasts had grown to mammoth proportions, they had become Killer Breasts. They were not in proportion. They wouldn't have been in proportion if they'd belonged to Sophie Tucker. But last night, they seemed to have gotten back to their former size - she seems to have let the air out of them, and all to the good say I. Well, I mustn't go on and on about breasts, because that is unseemly. What I can go on and on about is the amount of facial work I saw last night, most of it not on the women. Have men gone out of their minds? I saw way too much facial surgery on that stage last night, the bulk of it belonging to me who should know better. You see, when they show clips from films that are five or ten years old and people look ten years older than they do now, something is highly amiss, dear readers, something is highly awry. I'm going to leave it to you dear readers to point out which men had the plastic surgery, which men had the eyes done, and which men had the total face lifts. Post your unseemly thoughts below.
What am I, Mr. Blackwell? I'm so bitchy this morning. I'm ragging on everyone this morning. I did like the Kodak Theater, though. Of the post shows, as usual the greasy, oleagenous Roger Ebert was at his slimiest and most obnoxious. Could they find bigger dweebs to do these post-Oscar shows? Finally, put the damn Oscars back on Monday night.
Well, things are getting busy on the Tourette's Syndrome benefit. Rehearsals are kicking into high gear (no mean feat). We've got quite a lineup of talent - for those who haven't seen the list, it includes Nancy Sinatra, Herb Alpert, Nancy Dussault, Karen Morrow, Paul Kreppel, Paul Keith, David Naughton, David Rupprecht, Joan Ryan, Sally Kellerman, Sue Raney, Bill Dana (yes, Bill Dana, and let me tell you, you will be in for a treat), announcer Chuck Southcott, and several suprises. And, of course, a reunion of sorts for the Baja Marimba Band. I do hope some of our dear readers will be coming on April 28th, at the Alex Theater in Glendale. It's going to be quite a show.
There's still time to get your guesses in for our Unseemly Trivia Contest. If you missed the question, or any of the weekend notes, do click on the Unseemly Archive Button and you will be whisked away to what-you-missedland. The Susan Egan radio interview is up now, so do give it a listen if you missed it the first time around. There were a few distressed folks who somehow missed the Lisa Richard radio show (distressed people simply must visit our handy-dandy site daily and then they will no longer be distressed), so we will be rerunning that in the near future. In fact, the plan is to do a week's worth of reruns at some point, a rerun show every two days, for the most requested ones. Won't that be fun for those errant and truant folks who missed them the first time around?
Well, I hope I haven't been too dishy or bitchy or nasty about the Academy Awards and those who attended same. I just call it as I see it, although sometimes I see it as I call it. I also ate a lot of pizza last night. My friends the Geissmans came over and we ate and ate and then we all looked quite beefy. We had pizza and then we had ice cream and then after they left I had even more pizza whilst watching Mr. Tom Cruise do sound bites on Barbara Walters. That's what Miss Barbara Walters' "in depth" interviews have become. The interviewees barely have time to get out a one-line response to her "in depth" questions. I was heartened to hear that Mr. Tom Cruise and Miss Nicole Kidman are friends, that Mr. Tom Cruise loves Penelope Cruz (actors - gotta love 'em), and that Mr. Tom Cruise is not gay ("I have two kids", he said) and that he has successfully sued those who have inferred he was ("I have never lost a lawsuit", said he, and I'm sure Mr. Tom Cruise would like to know that I have never lost a lawsuit either). He will not be suing me, because I have never for a moment thought Mr. Tom Cruise was gay. Or even half-gay. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I call it as I see it and I see it as I call it.
Well, dear readers. I must be on my merry way. I must do the things I do. And as to you, dear readers, you do do that voodo that you do so well. Today's topic of discussion - I've been waiting for this one: What are your favorite Jerome Kern songs? I'll start, because I love and adore Mr. Jerome Kern: All the Things You Are, Look for the Silver Lining, Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man of Mine (one of the great tunes of all time), Pick Yourself Up (ditto), The Way You Look Tonight, Never Gonna Dance (listen to that music - it is just totally unique), Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, Long Ago and Far Away (amazing), The Folks who Live on the Hill, and I'm Old Fashioned. Your turn.

Replies: 18 Unseemly Comments

Was it just me or was Julia just plastered? Also, John Travolta and Sharon Stone. Goofy all the way around. But thrilling to see Woody Allen finally. A wonderfully charming man is he. And it's wonderful that Jim Broadbent won because he's just such an unlikely candidate, if you really think about it.
I love Jerome Kern. I would marry Jerome Kern if he weren't dead as a doornail, let me tell you. What is a doornail, exactly, and why are they always dead?
Anyway. My favorite Jerome Kern songs are: Look for the Silver Lining, Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man, The Way You Look Tonight, Heaven in My Arms, Long Ago and Far Away, Till the Clouds Roll By, Harlem Boogie-Woogie (HYPHENS!), I'm Old Fashioned, and The Folks who Live on the Hill.
Posted by Lolita @ 03/25/2002 08:55 AM PST

Oh, this is most unseemly. It's almost one o'clock and there is only one post? Surely someone must have something to say about something... the Oscars, Jerome Kern, a corn plaster? This reminds me of that old song:
Where have all the Hainesies gone,
No one's posting.
Where have all the Kimlets gone,
There's no one here.
Where have all the Hainsies gone
Gone to websites everywhere
When will the Hainsies learn?
When will they all return?
Posted by bk @ 03/25/2002 12:35 PM PST

I've been trying not to monopolize your website, hence the silence. I could have written columns on Newley-Bricusse but resisted the impulse -- I'm trying to acquire the rights to create a new Anthony Newley show.
Halle Berry deserved the award as an actress, never mind the fact that she is semi-black. She can't see herself as anything but. Denzel Washington, on the other, is one of America's best actors who gave his most two-dimensional performance ever in Training Day. In the first five minutes you knew everything you were going to learn about the character, after which there were no surprises or revelations. It's wrong to reward bad work -- ask Elizabeth Taylor about Butterfield 8.
As for Jerome Kern, I like All the Things You Are, Look for the Silver Lining, Can't Help Lovin' That Man of Mine, Pick Yourself Up, The Way You Look Tonight, Never Gonna Dance, Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and Long Ago and Far Away. (How's that for originality?)
Posted by Robert Armin @ 03/25/2002 01:15 PM PST

And you're kidding about Tom Cruise, right?
Posted by Robert Armin @ 03/25/2002 01:17 PM PST

Okay, first things first:
Tom Cruise -- I don't believe for a second that he and Nicole are still "friends." I DO believe he used all his clout to get that spot on the Oscar show in a lame attempt to upstage Nicole. There was NO value in anything he had to say....who cares about his travels anyway?
Second...Tom Cruise. He does have two kids. Two that were ADOPTED. The Cruise penis did not enter a vagina and procreate.
Third...please! Rosie O'Donnell's instincts are STRONGER than Tom's toothy denials. She doesn't adore him because he's straight. Anyone else sick to DEATH of his smile -- the Cruise grin reminds me sometimes of a smirking skull.
Next...
What in hell could Cameron Diaz have been thinking when she left her house with her hair looking worse than it did when she applied the "Something About Mary" "gel" to it?
Did she pay some sicko hairdresser to do THAT to her hair? Revoke that queen's license! Quick!
Woody Allen WAS the class act of last night's show -- no question about it.
Next was Sidney Poitier -- much eloquence and sincerity.
Robert Redford was pretty darned spiffy, too (and I did not detect one single clue that he's ever had any face work done -- and he DESPERATELY needs some...he'd look SO much better).
Denzel was the class that Halle should have been. Too much "race" talk last night. I've never thought any of it was about race, when it came to acting nominations/awards. Overlook Spike Lee and you're a racist. Overlook Bas Luhrmann and, "Oh, well..."
When the performances are good enough, they get nominated. When the buzz is at its hottest, that's when the votes get cast...whether you're black, white, Australian, English or whatever else.
Dump the entire trend of backless-to-the-butt gowns -- not ONE of the actresses wearing them looked good in them. As one announcer said about Sharon Stone, "She showed us her 'junk in the trunk' and it wasn't very pretty."
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 03/25/2002 01:40 PM PST

Well well Helloooooo Hainesies
and Hello, Kimlets..
It's so nice to be back posting here again.
I was away, sadly
I missed you all, so badly
Anyway.. I have been on tight deadline working on a publication, dear leader Bruce...but I have logged on to say that my fav. Kern song is The Way You Look Tonight -- hands down. And it's even better with Mary Cleere Haran singing
Posted by Craig @ 03/25/2002 01:58 PM PST

Well, I can't pass up that assessment of Tom Cruise without comment. As Ron points out, ADOPTED kids do not a heterosexual make, nor do begotten kids, for that matter.
However, Harvey Feierstein setteled this once and for all in the latest episode of "In the Life", by giving his inside scoop on all those Hollywood rumors. I quote only approximately:
"Tom Cruise is straight. Richard Gere is straight. John Travolta, Richard Gere, Cary Grant--straight. Skirt-chasing heterosexuals, every last one of them.
"Rock Hudson, straight. Jody Foster, straight. Ellen DeGeneres, straight. Melissa Etheridge, k. d. lange, Oscar Wilde and me. All straight. We were just pretending to be homosexuals to make the rest of you feel better."
Jerome Kern. Did no one mention "Trouble Keeps Comin' Around"? "Old Man River"? "Life Upon the Wicked Stage"? "I Won't Dance"? I vote for "Can't Help Lovin' that Man of Mine" as number one.
And by the way, Bruce, I've never lost a lawsuit either. I must be straight. Won't Joe be surprised!
Posted by William F. Orr @ 03/25/2002 02:53 PM PST

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
I forgot Life Upon the Wicked Stage!!!!!
Posted by Lolita @ 03/25/2002 03:07 PM PST

Didn't watch the Oscars, but I did see a transcript of Berry's speech. What the hell is the big deal with what she said? Everybody who's insisting that race is not an issue (and thus it's tacky tacky tacky to mention the "R" word) is, of course, white. Hey, I am, too, but at least I realize that white people talking about how much race doesn't matter is like rich people talking about how completely unimportant money is.
I think Berry knows more than some people seem to think she does about what it means that a black woman was, for the first time in over 70 years, awarded the Best Actress award last night.
And as has already been noted here and elsewhere, most of the time when performers win the Oscar, it's for performances that number among their worst. So it is almost NEVER "all about the work."
Posted by Lulu @ 03/25/2002 03:31 PM PST

Did the transcript include the sobbing and the snot?
Posted by Lolita @ 03/25/2002 05:00 PM PST

All-time favorite Jerome Kern song: "The Way You Look Tonight."
I admit, I'm biased because of the lyric by Dorothy Fields, a lady whom I wish I'd met. But her lyric and the music match so perfectly, they give me joy.
Next year, for the Oscars, let's skip Whoopie and put Rosie O'D in instead. And everyone who's ever played an A-Gay on the "Tales of the City" miniseries should appear as her chorus line! NO MORE TOM CRUISE!
Posted by SWoodyWhite @ 03/25/2002 05:30 PM PST

Sobbing and snot? COOL. You mean, you don't enjoy that? That's the kind of stuff I used to watch the Oscars for. Much more entertaining than those stultifying production numbers and those butt-numbing "A Tribute to..." thingies. Give me some good old-fashioned emotional meltdowns, and I'm a happy gal.
Posted by Lulu @ 03/25/2002 05:55 PM PST

"I'm Old Fashioned" (which should have also been on my Johnny Mercer list) and "The Folks Who Live on the Hill"(especially Peggy Lee's version-- fantastic). Ans "Long Ago and far Away."
I think "Never Gonna Dance" is hauntingly beautiful. "Pick Yourself Up" is a gem.
From "Showboat": "Misery" and "Hey Feller" (I dare you to try and sit still during "Hey Feller) (both from the first production and eventually cut), "Nobody Else But Me" (written for the last production just before Kern's death and supposedly the last song he wrote). I love "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man," "I Still Suits Me" and of course, "Bill."
"The Touch of Your Hand" and "Yesterdays" should probably be included.
That's all (at least for now)
No comments on the Oscars!
Posted by Kerry @ 03/25/2002 06:29 PM PST

Lulu,
You go girl!
Posted by Kerry @ 03/25/2002 07:34 PM PST

No wonder I prefer the BAFTA awards!!!! Less political grandstanding.
"Can't Help Loving That Man Of Mine" would have to be #1. "I'm Old Fashioned" is a worthy song too. How can you leave out any of the Kern "Showboat" songs! Brilliant.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 03/26/2002 01:47 AM PST

"This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Dorothy Dandridge, Lena Horne, Diahann Carroll. It's for the women who stand behind me, Jada Pinkett, Angela Bassett, Vivica Fox and it's for every nameless faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened."
That was the "political grandstanding" portion of Halle Berry's speech, in its entirety. The rest of the time she was thanking the Academy, God, her manager, her family, etc. All the boring stuff. And if anybody can give me a compelling reason why those words above should have made Miss Berry the result of so much scorn (not just here, but seemingly everywhere), I'll eat my hat.
Posted by Lulu @ 03/26/2002 03:36 AM PST

I have less of a problem with Halle Berry's 'political grandstanding' than I have with her thanking her *lawyer*...
Posted by Stephen Farrow @ 03/26/2002 05:57 AM PST

har dee har har.. her *lawyer* huh? That's really clever.
Her *lawyer* makes sure she's getting what she's due and not getting screwed by enormous hollywood companies. If you have ever set foot into any part of the entertainment business you'd appreciate a good *lawyer* too. As a producer and songwriter, I can tell you that a good lawyer is your best ally in this type of business. Without one, you WILL be taken advantage of, and that goes for big names like Halle Berry too. Most likely, you've had no dealings of any type with lawyers anyways and are just trying to be funny because you've heard lawyer jokes.
Now back to the topic. :P Yes her grandstanding was a bit out of control. I doubt that her winning will open any doors for future black actresses unless they have a similarly good role played with similar skill. She has garnered scorn because she seems to be making an extremely big deal of herself and her accomplishment when humility is what usually gets the most praise. Denzel Washington didn't deserve anything, as someone stated above. What a miracle! He played a convincing bad guy when we're used to seeing him portray heros. His character was as shallow as a rain puddle... anyone could have acted insane and evil like that.
Posted by bones @ 06/23/2003 07:45 AM PST

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