haines his way

03/26/2002:
"BEEP BEEP"

Well, dear readers, here I sit at 5:22 am, beginning to write these here notes. Why am I up at this unholy hour? Well, I'll tell you why I'm up at this unholy hour because, frankly, you have a right to know. I am up at this unholy hour because at 3:31 am my handy-dandy phone began to ring. Naturally, said ringing woke me up. I answered the phone and after a brief silence I began to hear "beep...beep...beep...beep". I immediately said, "Who the hell is this?" The reply was, "beep...beep...beep...beep". I said, "What's your point, you stupid piece of dog snot". The reply was, "beep...beep...beep...beep". I then got very haughty and said, "Listen carefully to me, don't ever call here again!" and then I hung up. Can you imagine? 3:31 in the morning and someone calls me to beep? What kind of world do we live in? I *69d the Phantom Beeper but it was a private number. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the scum-sucking beeper had a private number. Well, I just call blocked the little wazoo and there will be no more beeping from that private number, at least not to me. I get a lot of weird calls like that, so I think I'm going to have to do something I really hate: Turn on my call screening so that private numbers have to push a code which enables me to see their number. That way, when I get a call at 3:31 in the morning and it says "Beeper" I shall not answer the phone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That will show these cretin beepers a thing or two. Mess around with me, sister!
I'm very tired right now. I'm yawning right now. I feel that whoever invented the word "yawn" did a very good job. That word "yawn" is just perfect to describe a yawn, isn't it? Perhaps I'll go outside and yawn on my lawn.
Well, that was a piquant paragraph, wasn't it? That was tart, like a lemon frappe. It had a certain brevity that was admirable, I feel. What the hell is a lemon frappe? Beep...beep...beep...beep...
Thus far, I feel these notes are the equivalent of my phone call this morning - an endless drone. But what can I talk about at 5:39 in the morning? I can barely even see what I'm typing, let alone form any coherent thoughts. Perhaps if I had a lemon frappe I could form some coherent thoughts.
Perhaps if we all click that Unseemly Button below I will be able to form some coherent thoughts. Let's try, shall we?
Nope, not a coherent thought in sight. jfeqaiowqjeeen qwcnq[cinwojqecniqiecnfeifjcqwe[ifjcqifjcqiwfjcqjfcqwifjiejfiqjfqijfcqij.... Oops, I just put my head on the keyboard because I'm so tired. I like that sentence. Look at it, sitting there like a piece of dead scrod. It's code, actually. See if you can break the code - if you can, it will reveal some rather startling information I've uncovered about a wayward lemon frappe.
On to more important things. We have a Highest Winner in our handy-dandy Unseemly Trivia Contest. We had several good but incorrect guesses, but only one correct guess. The question was:
A very well-known theater songwriter was once in the midst of an out-of-town tryout of their new musical. Because the songwriter had a run-in with the law while the show was out-of-town and because of being detained, other songwriters wrote additional material when it was deemed that the show needed a lot of work before coming in for its Broadway run. Name the songwriter, name the show, name the additional songwriters and name the cause for the run-in with the law.
Our very own Lolita got the correct answer. I did say there was a clue buried within the notes on Saturday, the day the question appeared. And I also clarified that I was not talking about a traffic offense regarding the run-in with the law (a couple of people guessed it was Jerry Herman and Hello, Dolly!). No, the answer is Mr. Lionel Bart, the show was La Strada, the additional songwriters were Elliot Lawrence and Martin Charnin (by the time the show reached Broadway, they were, in fact, responsible for most of the score, even though Mr. Bart got the credit). The cause for the run-in with the law was fairly serious and had to do with Mr. Bart's drug use. If Lolita will send us her handy-dandy address then she shall receive a sparklingly wonderful prize.
I wish I had something coherent to say, but the thoughts in my head are like an elusive butterfly of love. The thoughts in my head are as fleeting as a lemon frappe gone bad. Tomorrow I shall have nothing but coherent thoughts and I shall be piquant and pithy and filled with wit and substance, not necessarily in that order. Perhaps I'll go over to eBay right now and see if there are any coherent thoughts coming up for auction. I have the feeling I know who's responsible for all these little phone things, and let me tell you that if I'm correct the guilty party will rue the day. Oh, yes, they will rue the day. They will rue I tell you. Rue is what they will do. They will rue the day and the day will rue them, because they are rude and should be well rued. Thus I say and thus I need say no more.
Well, dear readers, I see by the handy-dandy clock on my handy-dandy laptop computer, that it is now 5:58 am. I think I will go climb back into bed and see if I can get another hour or two of sleep. Today's topic of discussion: The lemon frappe. And, since Mr. Lionel Bart was the subject of our trivia contest, what are your favorite Lionel Bart songs? I'll start: I would be remiss if I said that I didn't love practically the entire score to Mr. Bart's Oliver! Especially the lovely Where Is Love?, the bouncy Consider Yourself, the haunting and then ebullient Who Will Buy?, and the gorgeous As Long as He Needs Me. And, of course, the great opener, Food, Glorious Food. I am also very fond of Mr. Bart's title song to From Russia With Love. I also like the opening number of Blitz!, Our Hotel. Plus lots of Twang! and Maggie May. Your turn.

Replies: 14 Unseemly Comments

I'm back to Kern because I"m not on the wacky time frames as bk is.My favorite ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE.Not only my favorite Kern but my favorite song..period.The most perfect melding of music and lyric.My second favorite a real stunner and virtually unknown song-JUST LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 03/26/2002 06:07 AM PST

Oh, the pride, the pride, the pride. I cannpt wait to see what the sparklingly wonderful prize will be. Cheese slices? Ham chunks?
I love all of Oliver, but that's about all that I know of Mr. Bart and his songwriting.
Posted by Lolita @ 03/26/2002 06:09 AM PST

I have unlocked the secret code of the wayward lemon frappe. And it's no accident that Bruce followed the code with a reference to a dead scrod AND preceded it with a reference to coherence. After careful searching on the web, I have discovered ancient folklore of a story about Sammy the Scrod. One day, Sammy swam into the wading pools of a kind and beautiful princess, the daughter of a ruthless king. The princess and the scrod soon became best friends. One day, the princess who longed for more than a typical royal life, asked Sammy if he thought that anything else waited for her outside the castle walls. Sammy revealed that he was indeed a fortune telling fish and that he had the answer she was looking for but first he had to tell her that the ruthless king would befall a terrible fate. He also warned that she mustn't tell the king anything. Afraid for her fathers life, and that she would have to reign as queen, she warned her father of the prediction. Fearing that his daughter was losing her mind (and because he really was ruthless and paranoid), he had his guards hunt for Sammy and have him destroyed. Realizing what the princess had done, she deftly created a distraction for the guard in the form of a Lemon Frappe -- but she tainted it with a sedative. Unable to resist the cool soothing lemon frappe after running around the castle, the guards drank it welcomly, only to pass out immediately. The princess ran to the wading pools and explained her err in judgement and asked for forgiveness. Sammy said "I can forgive.. but I can never forget. You violated my trust, and our friendship can never be healed" And with that, he swam off. The next day, March 26th, the princess, in grief over the loss of her friend, made herself a lemon frappe with poison and died.
From then on, on March 26th - the mourning villagers would prepare what they called "The Wayward Lemon Frappe". They would tell the story of Sammy the Scrod and drink the frappe in remembrance for the kind and beautiful princess. Fortunately.. I was able to track down the old village recipe. here it is:
Lemon Frappe
Ingredients
10 ml lemon zest
60 ml lemon juice
125 gm sugar
2 eggs
250 ml light cream
1 dash vanilla extract
200 ml vodka
300 ml Castellblanch Brut Zero

Instructions
Mix together the zest, lemon juice, sugar, eggs, vanilla, and half the cream. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until the custard thickens. Stir in the rest of the cream, strain, chill, and process in an ice cream maker. When the lemon ice cream has hardened, blend it with the vodka and sparkling wine to produce a thick, smooth dessert drink which is served in champagne flutes.
Posted by Craig @ 03/26/2002 07:36 AM PST

Back to Jerome Kern just for a second. I forgot "Don't Ever Leave Me" and "Why Was I Born?"
Alright, I'll be back later, and I'll stick to the topic at hand (or at foot as the case may be).
Posted by Kerry @ 03/26/2002 08:34 AM PST

I think Craig deserves the warped award for the day. His message definitely takes the cake (or the frappe, as the case may be. If the frappe fits....)
Posted by Kerry @ 03/26/2002 08:35 AM PST

Well it's better than getting bitch-frapped! That cold can sting the face!
Posted by Craig @ 03/26/2002 08:44 AM PST

I played Bill in Oliver! once and had two pretty funny things happen. The director, for reasons known only to him, decided it would be funny for me to use my own dog, a Basset(t?) Hound, in the show. The dog did BRILLIANTLY at run-throughs, but on opening night, had a serious bout of stage fright and refused to exit with me at the top of Act II (after "My Name"). I was supposed to go up an elaborate set of stairs and exit. Well, the frigging dog would NOT move. As I yanked the squirming beast up the stairs (very much in character, don't you think?), I unfortunately let loose with a few expletives, which, thanks to the sound tech who had NOT turned off my lapel mike, were happily broadcast to an aghast family audience. All this as Nancy was attempting to move the audience with "As Long As He Needs Me." On closing night at the climax of Act II, my retractable knife did NOT retract, and I'm afraid I completely split Nancy's lip wide open, causing a rather gigantic jet of blood to spew forth and up (and up and forth), resulting in loud applause from the audience who assumed it was a marvelous special effect. Ah, memories, pressed between the pages of my mind.
Posted by JMK @ 03/26/2002 12:03 PM PST

Good to see Mr Bart getting a run through at last. Some of his pop songs were quite interesting too. "From Russia With Love", "A Handful Of Songs" and "Livin' Doll". I too love Oliver but also enjoy Blitz with "Far Away" and "The Day After Tomorrow". There is also a link to Anthony Newley as his first major pop success was with Bart's "Do You Mind".
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 03/26/2002 01:13 PM PST

My my. Craig's story looks like something that would be told by Scrod Sterling. Well done! I am feeling a bit frappish myself.
Posted by Mattso @ 03/26/2002 01:46 PM PST

I love "As Long As He Needs Me," though I am always baffled by how many do not. I did OLIVER! in junior high school, and I am ashamed to admit I thought our Nancy was quite the little actress when she read the following line (in response to Mr. Brownlow's question about who snatched Oliver) thusly: "Me and (pause, and then, conspiratorially)SOMEONE ELSE!" Well, at least she could sing.
Posted by BobG @ 03/26/2002 02:22 PM PST

A question for Craig: Assuming you left an ingredient out, wouldn't the mourning villagers only be able to commemorate the first anniversary? That is, if they copied the Princess' recipe to the letter, and achieved the same results?
Of course, there would then be no villagers to pass on this tale. Maybe I should take a pass, this is getting too complicated for me.
Posted by SWoodyWhite @ 03/26/2002 03:10 PM PST

Woody -
Excellent question.. The original recipe was minus the poison -- this wasn't Jonestown! Instead they use the Castellblanch Brut Zero. Apparently that TASTES like poison.. ha ha
Posted by Craig @ 03/26/2002 03:28 PM PST

"As Long As He Needs Me" and "It's A Fine Life" along with the rest of the score to "Oliver!" Does "Oliver !" have an exclamation point? I don't remember, but it was at the height of the exclamation point titled shows.
Posted by Kerry @ 03/26/2002 06:25 PM PST

For Bart, aside from the usual suspects, ("As Long as He Kneeds Me", "From Prussia with Love") I have to list our household quotables:
"Oliver", the title song, sung whenever anyone asks for seconds, especially our little nephew Christopher, who gets a suitable lyric change.
"When Does the Ravishing Begin?" With the context left to your imagination.
And then back to Kern, I missed out on the most important quotable of all:
BILL
Yours respectfully,
Just plain Bill
Posted by William F. Orr @ 03/27/2002 07:06 AM PST

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