haines his way

03/29/2002:
"BAJA FRESH"

Well, dear readers, do you know that every morning when I get up to write these here notes, the first thing I type after I figure out our Title of the Day is, "Well, dear reader", and do you know that every time I type it it comes out thusly, "WEll, dear reader". Yes, you heard it hear dear readers, it comes out thusly, "WEll, dear readers." Well, dear readers, that is very annoying. I can type it one hundred times subsequent to that first time, but it only does the capital "E" the first time. I then have to erase the capital "E" and put in the small "e". Isn't that annoying? Doesn't that just get your dander up? It gets my dander up, I'll tell you that. My dander was resting peacefully and now it's up and agitated. You should see my dander - it's just so irked right now, and when my dander is irked it is not a pretty sight, unlike haineshisway.com which is a pretty site. Now, I have to calm my dander, make nice with my dander, and all because the first thing I type comes out thusly, "WEll, dear readers". Well, dear readers, I think we've pounded this subject into the ground with a mallet, don't you?
Yesterday I attended a rehearsal with the newly reconstituted Baja Marimba Band and what fun it was. To hear all those great old Julius Wechter songs in that unique sound well, it just makes you smile. And the musicians, most of whom are in their late sixties or early to mid-seventies, still have their chops. Yes, Virginia, these musicians still have their chops. Not their sirloin tips, mind you, and certainly not their meatloaf, no these musicians have their chops and the devil take the hindmost which, of course, is the rump roast. What am I, trying to sound like S.J. Perelman? He wrote Horse Feathers, by the way, a great Marx Brothers movie (he wrote it with Kalmer and Ruby) and it features one of my favorite lines. Zeppo (playing Groucho's son!) has a comely young lady sitting on his lap, and Groucho says to him, "Young lady, would you mind getting off his lap so I can see the son rise?"
Where was I? I have taken a detour through MarxBrothersland. Oh, yes, the Baja and how fresh they sounded. By the way, tickets to the benefit are going very fast indeed and we're thrilled at the response. And we've still got four weeks to go. I do hope to see some of your dear readers at the event and yes, Virginia, there will be a reception afterwards, complete with ham chunks and cheese slices.
Someone was using our handy-dandy search engine last night, and they searched for "blue light special". They got 0 hits. But, if they were ever to come back, now they would get a hit. Isn't that thoughtful of me? I don't even know what a blue light special is. A blue plate special, yes. A red light special, yes. Perhaps one of our dear readers can illuminate us as to what a blue light special is. Until that time, we shall have to remain in the dark, blue light special-wise. For now, however, why don't we all click on that Unseemly Button below before Mr. Mark Bakalor shows up in some unseemly costume and bitch-slaps us into another time zone.

Whew! I hate being bitch-slapped into another time zone, don't you? But we have averted and avoided said bitch-slapping, so phut to Mr. Mark Bakalor and all who are like him.
I finally watched the DVD of The Watcher in the Woods. It's really not very good, although it has interesting things in it, like Miss Bette Davis and a nice score by Stanley Myers. It also has one of the most ill-written booklets I've ever seen which, in trying to tell the story of the history of what happened to the film, only makes it more obscure and complicated. First of all, it promises that we're going to see the film as never before. That's not quite accurate, because the DVD contains only the short version of the film Disney put out a year after its initial showing (it was pulled immediately). Twenty minutes were taken out of the film, and the ending was reshot. The booklet writer implies that mostly the beginning and ending were changed. We do get to see two variations on the same alternate ending, though, so that's fun. But we do not get the original release version, and I'm sorry, that's what they imply. We also get a commentary track from director John Hough and it's a mixed blessing, too. He spends much time saying nothing, and when he does speak it's usually about a location where something was shot, or about his career in general. He never addresses any changes made to the beginning of the film (and there had to be changes because characters just pop up out of nowhere), which is very frustrating. He does talk about the various endings, but it's just never clear what quite happened because he keeps getting the chronology all screwed up. He does have nice things to say about Miss Davis, though. In any case, the transfer looks top-notch, and it's fun to finally see the film (it came and went very fast).
As most of you know, four great talents died this week, three of whom you probably know about and one of whom you may not, the terrific singer, Eileen Farrell. While it's fine to mourn their passing, I always try not to mourn death but to celebrate the life they led. Luckily, with artists, they leave behind their art, so I recommend spending your weekend watching either Arthur or "10" for Mr. Moore
(he is always terrific, but especially shines in those two films), watching any number of Mr. Wilder's masterpieces (for me it will probably be One, Two, Three, Ace In the Hole, and maybe Some Like It Hot), checking out a Milton Berle Texaco Show (they are on DVD and tape) and listening to one of Miss Farrell's wonderful later recordings she did with conductor Robert Farnon. I actually adored all four of these people, but none more so than Mr. Wilder, who I think was a great writer and a great director, not to mention being possessed of a rather wicked wit. This man wrote more great dialogue (in collaboration with various partners) than just about anyone who ever lived, especially in terms of quotable lines. "I am big, it's the pictures that got small." "Well, nobody's perfect." "There's a speed limit in this city, Mr. Neff." (and the entire exchange which follows that line, one of the greatest series of back and forth lines ever - from Double Indemnity), and my favorite exchange in all of film - Kirk Douglas to Jan Sterling: "Why don't you pray for your husband." To which she replies, "I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons." If that's not art, I don't know what is.
Don't forget, tomorrow is our Unseemly Trivia Contest which, by the way, will be a blue light special. And Donald will be along shortly to tell you what the radio show will be going up on Sunday evening. Today's topic of discussion: What are your favorite Wilder moments, your favorite Dudley Moore moments, your favorite Uncle Miltie memories, and your favorite Eileen Farrell tracks? I'll start: Wilder - the first act of Some Like It Hot, one of the great first acts in movie history, the ending of Witness For the Prosecution, where Wilder out Christie's Christie, and the whole of One, Two, Three which, dated though it may be, is a lesson in rapid-fire farce, a breathtaking virtuoso comedy. For Dudley, his many movie performances, of course, but for me my happiest memory is actually the record album he did with Peter Cook entitled Derek and Clive Live. It's one of the single funniest things I've ever heard and if you aren't familiar with it, do whatever you must to seek it out. For Uncle Miltie, it's his wonderful performance in, of all things, Hieronymous Merkin, with Anthony Newly, in which he plays Good Time Eddie Filth. I always wished that Mr. Berle had gotten to do The Sunshine Boys. And for Miss Farrell, it's her lovely renditions of Some Other Time and The Music That Makes Me Dance. Your turn.

Replies: 19 Unseemly Comments

the new Broadway Radio Show for this Sunday is a fun and interesting interview with Mark Savage, who wrote and directed the LA hit "Pinafore!" -- a gay slant on the classic Gilbert & Sullivan musical....Mark will discuss how he adapted the work and we'll listen to selections from the newly released cast recording...
Posted by Donald @ 03/29/2002 09:31 AM PST

The new radio show sounds yummy. Can't wait to check it out.
A Blue Light Special was a K-mart thing (don't think they do it anymore). Some squeaky-voiced, acne-faced teen would come on over the PA system and announce "Attention, K-Mart shoppers. There is a blue light special in aisle 9, 100% cotton tube socks in white, black, and navy, regularly $1.67 for a package of three, now 97 cents." And all of the ladies in their polyester pantsuits and curlers in their hair would stampede to aisle 9. The fact that you don't know what a blue light special is (and I do) affirms your cultural superiority over me.
Favorite Wilder Moments: The exchanges between Fred MacMurray and Edgar G. Robinson in Double Indemnity, and also the moment when Barbara Stanwyck is hiding behind the door (he was good at writing more than dialogue); "Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?" from The Major and the Minor; and absolutely everything about Sunset Boulevard, especially the audacious idea of having the film begin with the murder of the guy who narrates the rest of the picture, and the ultra-bizarro fact that Nora and Max are having a funeral for her pet monkey when Holden's character first arrives.
Favorite Dudley Moore moments: He's great in Arthur, of course, but I really really love his work with Peter Cook, in audio recordings of Beyond the Fringe, the film Bedazzled, and their TV show Not Only...(Peter Cook) But Also...(Dudley Moore). Their Pete 'n' Dud bits (which seem to have been largely improvised) are a joy to behold. Especially fun are the times when Peter Cook makes Dudley Moore just about lose it (for real, not in that fake Carol Burnett Show way) and then as Dudley takes a pull on his drink or a bite of his sandwich to try to get himself under control, Peter looks at him completely deadpan and says, "You're REALLY enjoying that sandwich, aren't you?" and makes Dudley just dissolve.
Posted by Lulu @ 03/29/2002 10:10 AM PST

Attention K-Mart shoppers--a blue light special is that flashing blue light alerting K-Mart shoppers where the deals are (wasn't that a Connie Francis tune?). And do you know that "Attention K-Mart Shoppers" is the state anthem of Idaho? (That's a Utah joke). And, lastly, Eileen Farrell also recorded some great sides with the oft-mentioned Percy Faith, several of which are available on CD.
Posted by JMK @ 03/29/2002 10:12 AM PST

I think you should just go with your natural instincts and leave it as "WEll, dear reader" every morning. I can live with that. And it will help me feel so less self-concious about all the typos I make.
Posted by Kerry @ 03/29/2002 10:13 AM PST

AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!
I meant Norma, of course, not Nora. Please don't hurt me.
Posted by Lulu @ 03/29/2002 10:15 AM PST

Favorite Moore moments: among others, anything from "Good Evening" with Peter Cook. I also think the bit in "10" where his mouth is numb from all the novocaine and he tries to drink a cup of coffee and flirt at the same time has to be a classic.
Favorite Wilder? The dialogue in his films is always so tight and crisp. All of "Some Like It Hot" would have to be included. the "Why would a guy want to marry a guy" exchange is particualrly good. Pretty much the entire film of "Ball of Fire" -especially all of Miss Stanwyck's lines would have to be up there, too.
Posted by Kerry @ 03/29/2002 10:52 AM PST

Completely off-topic, but I came upon this bit of information that I knew my fellow Hainsies/Kimlets simply must know! What is this info? The origin of the phrase "until the cows come home"!
Apparently, a few years back in (of all places) Kimmelville, Wyoming, lived a Frank and Donna Khow. The Khow's were extraordinarily punctual people. Even when they travelled out of state, you could set your watch by their return home. On one such trip, they went to Memphis for a few days, and were due back Tuesday evening at 7:41pm. That very Tuesday, the Khow's young neighbor boy, Henry, asked his mother if he could go run amok for awhile before returning home to do his homework. His mother consented, saying he could stay out until the Khow's came home, as was a standard curfew for the children of Kimmelville.
Well, all would have been well and good (and also good and well), and young Henry would have returned home at 7:41pm if not for the Khow's unfortunate mishap in Memphis. While visiting a china shop adjacent to Graceland, a security guard approached Mrs. Khow (nee Bull) and ordered her to leave the store. Mrs. Khow assumed she was being singled out for banishment due to a series of mishaps in similar stores involving her father and uncles. When she started to protest, she was carted off to jail! Actually, however, she was getting tossed out not because of the Bull family history, but because she was humming "Copacabana" under her breath, and, as we all know, singing Manilow in the land of the King is nearly a federal offense.
When the Khow's did not return home at their appointed hour, Henry and the other youths of Kimmelville gathered and hatched a scheme. The kids all pooled their allowances and paper route money and such, and bought tickets for the Khow's to extend their travels, and sent said tickets overnight to Memphis. Every week thereafter the kids purchased new tickets for the Khow's and sent them off to them. Since that fateful day, none of Kimmelville's youth have returned home to do their homework, and at last report the Khow's were in Kuala Lampur.
Just had to share that fascinating bit of lore with you all.
Posted by Jed @ 03/29/2002 12:02 PM PST

Dudley Moore -- I liked him in "Foul Play" as the hapless symphony conductor who encounters Goldie Hawn in various locales. He takes her to his apartment which is one of the cinema's cheesiest (and most wonderful) love nests. Folks may recall that the plot of "Foul Play" was zany and that Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase made the most of her comedic talents and the least of his smarminess.
Billy Wilder: The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes! Some Like it Hot! Sunset Boulevard! The Apartment! He was one of a kind.
Milton Berle: Everything he did was funny.
Eileen Farrell: Dust off those robes, choirmaster!
Now, what's all this fuss about a capital "E" in typing the word "WEll" -- doesn't spell check catch such things, allowing you to make the correction during your copy editing?
Or does the knowledge that it's just sitting there annoy you so badly that you could never concentrate on the column unless you corrected it immediately?
There is also the possiblity that if you didn't correct it immedately, those two "l"s might just erupt into capital "L"s...and then where would you be??!!??
Ah, the problems of the "bitchin' infamous"...er...um..."rich and famous." (Oh, stop! Get over it! I had to be totally UNSEEMLY at least once).
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 03/29/2002 12:24 PM PST

Dudley Moore. When I was working in radio in Montreal. I featured Dudley Moore (with Peter Cook) in what I think is one of the funniest sketches I ever heard (and Later saw) The One Legged Tap Dancer.
Milton Berle I never thought he was particularly funny until the night I saw him live the night he was inducted in the International Comedy Hall of Fame. He was great. I also heard a bootleg tape of the Friar's roast of Arnold Schwarzineger. Uncle Miltie made me blush.
Billy Wilder: As I child I watched The Lost Weekend with my mother one afternoon and she pointed out a scene that i still remember to this today. Ray Milland goes from pawn shop to pawn shop in order to get some money and finds them closed. All the Irish owners closed their shops because of the Jewish High Holidays!
I remember Avanti! with Jack Lemmon and Julliet Mills. I always thought that after seeing Same Time Next Year that Bernard Slade borrowed a key plot element from the screenplay to write his play. I as many others loved Some Like It Hot. I also enjoyed his reworking of The Front Page.
Unfortunatly I have only heard of Eillen Farrel and do not know her work. Although I did her an archived interview on NPR this week.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 03/29/2002 12:51 PM PST

Forgot to finish the Dudley moore story. People called the radio show and complained about the skethch! I guess there were a lot of one legged tap dancers out there that we offened,
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 03/29/2002 12:53 PM PST

Dudley Moore's audition for the role of Tarzan - Dud with only one leg! "I have nothing against your right leg. But then, neither have you". (Soemething to that effect). Dud & Pete were great. Dud had a top 20 record here in the early 70's "Song For Susie". Also fond of the interview with the shepherd at the first Christmas. I think both the Tarzan and Shepherd sketches made it to "Good Evening" from the UK production "Behind The Fridge" (Just looked up the disc. The sketches were called "one Leg Too Few" and "Gospel Truth") Also enjoyed Dud's performance in "Foul Play".
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 03/29/2002 01:21 PM PST

All these posts make me very happy indeed. Here's a little story for you: Who do you suppose was up for the role that Mr. Dudley Moore played in Foul Play? Well, I'll tell you who was up for the role, I was up for the role and read for it several times. However, I knew I had no shot when Chevy Chase was cast, because at that time we simply looked too much alike. I have often thought that Mr. Chase stole my career and therfore have never liked him. But I'm glad that Mr. Moore got the part because he was so damned good in it.
Posted by bk @ 03/29/2002 01:49 PM PST

Dear Mr. Kimmel:
This is off the topic of the day, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor? I know that you are friends with Jason Graae, and I was wondering if you could tell him for me that I think he is a gorgeous hunk of manflesh! I saw him in the supermarket the other night and I was too shy to say anything to him--mainly because he is this Broadway musical star and I am but a lowly overweight guy buying walnut coffee cake for a midnight snack. If you will do this for me, you will get a star in heaven (or, at least, I will buy you a Belgian waffle).
Posted by harry @ 03/29/2002 03:08 PM PST

First off -- Since we the readers don't acknowledge him too much, let me just say -- Donald, your radio shows are top-notch!
Ok.. my favorite moments:
For Dudley Moore - I really liked him in Six Weeks (I know.. melodramatic), 10, Arthur, Wholly Moses , Foul Play and Bedazzled. There is a classic line for a horrible movie he made (Arthur 2) that I love. Arthur is interviewing for a job and the guy says "I am looking for someone hard working, dedicated, loyal and ready to take on any challenge" and Dudley replies back "Well if you hire me, I'll help you look".
As for Billy Wilder -- Some Like It Hot. And that movie has one of the best last lines ever. "Well nobody's perfect".
Milton Berle -- It's a mad mad mad mad World, Who's Minding the Mint, his cameo in the Muppet Movie and a guest appearance on "Diff'rent Strokes" as a Rabbi when Arnold wants to become jewish. And BK -- did you know (of course you did) that Uncle Milt composed the title song for the 1940's film version of "Li'l Abner"..
Posted by Craig @ 03/29/2002 03:16 PM PST

My oh my, all these obituaries, and the memories keep flooding back.
Eileen Farrell on "The Gary Moore Show", singing "My Man's Gone Now".
Uncle Miltie on the Texaco Comedy Hour--"Oh, we're the men of Texaco. We serve from Maine to Mexico..."--later to be replace by "I love to drive my Buick with my love sitting by my side." Isn't it strange that these things fill my memory banks right alongside "Whan that Aprile with his shoures sote" and "He hath brought many captives home to Rome, whose ransoms did the general coffers fill"?
But all those shows are sort of a blur in my memory, except for that secretary of his sputtering "You... you you-you, you!" And the horrified look on my parents' face when I announced that I wanted to be just like Milton Berle when I grew up!
For Billy Wilder:
"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."
"The audiences don't know anyone writes movies. They think the actors make it up as they go along."
And that beautiful scene near the end of "Some Like It Hot" when Marilyn is singing and Tony Curtis walks in sort of half-in and half-out of drag, and it suddenly dawns on her. Unequaled until Terri Garr screamed watching Tootsie transform into Dustin Hofman on nationwide television.
And everything else any of them ever did. Will the late twentieth century be remembered? I think so.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 03/29/2002 04:34 PM PST

To Harry: Of course I will pass your message along to J. Graae, who adores being thought of as a hunk of manflesh. I myself think of him that way and quite often. And, of course, he thinks of me that way.
Posted by bk @ 03/29/2002 06:20 PM PST

I think Jason and Bruce are BOTH wonderful hunks of manflesh.
Wonderful Hunk of Manflesh? Another Ernest and Metz song?
Posted by Scott @ 03/30/2002 08:24 AM PST

Oops! Ernest and Meltz
Posted by Scott @ 03/30/2002 08:39 AM PST

Dud had a top 20 record here
in the early 70's "Song For
Susie"
Looked for it on Limewire but
no luck, anyone know where it
is?
Posted by David @ 07/04/2002 05:45 AM PST

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