Well, dear readers, here we are, April has arrived and we are a'twitter with excitement. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, we are a'twitter with excitement because April is simply a time to be a'twitter with excitement. I know not why, it simply is. "I know not why, it simply is." That is just a beautifully poetic sentence. Now wait just a darned minute here, that sentence sounds familiar all of a sudden. Excuse me for a moment.

I knew it! I Know Not Why, It Simply Is is a Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest song and it's one of their most heartfelt and simplest. I must share it with you right this very minute.

I KNOW NOT WHY, IT SIMPLY IS Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

The snow is white,
My shoes are brown
And when I smile
I do not frown
I don't say 'hers' when I mean 'his'
I know not why, it simply is.

The world is round
Yet bread is square
And when I'm gone
I am not there.
If it is damp, my hair will frizz
I know not why, it simply is.

We cannot question,
Things simply are
Here's my suggestion:
You can't be near if you haven't been far.

The truest thing
That I can say
Is when it's night
It is not day
I always cry when I see Les Miz
I know not why
It simply is.

Well, there are just no words to say how lovely that song is and yet I've just written words so apparently there are words to say how lovely that song is. It's got such universal truths, don't you think?

All over the internet people are playing merry pranks, because today is April Fool's Day. Well, we will not be playing merry pranks here at haineshisway.com because we find merry pranks unseemly and unworthy of our higher purpose. Yes, Virginia, we have a higher purpose and we leave merry pranks to others. Right now our higher purpose is to click on that fershluganah Unseemly Button below, because to not do so would be foolish and a merry prank.

Yesterday, I went to the Cinerama Dome to see E.T. Did you know that by simply inserting an "a" into ET you get "Eat"? And that is what we did prior to arriving at the Cinerama Dome to see E.T. We (the family Wechter and I) went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and had a light and healthy meal of Fried Chicken, waffles, grits, eggs, greens, potato salad, biscuits and gravy and chicken sausage. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles is a tiny shack on Gower just above Sunset Blvd. (the street, not the film or musical) and I recommend it to one and all and also all and one because it is ever so tasty. After we finished our light and healthy meal, we went over to the Cinerama Dome to see E.T. E.T. premiered at the Cinerama Dome twenty years ago and I was at that premiere. They've been renovating the theater plus adding a complex behind it with a gaggle of additional theaters. This new complex is quite spiffy, very large, and has a book store and cafe in it. But the Cinerama Dome, at least to my eyes, seems essentially unchanged. New seats, of course, and a new screen, but otherwise it's basically the same as it was. The interesting thing about the Cinerama Dome is that, despite its name, actual Cinerama has never been shown there. They are apparently going to show some three projector Cinerama there at some point, and I will go, but it won't be truly Cinerama because the screen is not and has never been high enough in that theater.

In any case, revisiting E.T. was fun, and it remains the wonderful film it's always been. There were very few dry eyes in the house by the end of it, let me tell you that. But, Mr. Spielberg, as is his wont, has tinkered with his rather perfect film and it is less perfect for the tinkering, at least in my opinion. He first did this with Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a film he has continued to tinker with over the years. And you know what - for all the tinkering, he has never improved upon the original version. Unfortunately, the only way you can see the original version anymore is if you own the Criterion laserdisc. At least with E.T. the upcoming DVD will apparently contain both original and tinkered versions. So, what has been tinkered with? Well, to start, several additional shots of E.T. himself have been inserted into the film - CGI shots, and frankly they don't really add much. There are two scenes which have been put back into the film - the first (E.T. in a bathtub) is totally unnecessary and hurts the pacing of the film, and the second, Elliott's mom out looking for him on Halloween is okay. They have also redone the two bike-flying scenes, and while the FX are better, I suppose, they're also somehow not as thrilling. I don't really know why, except that the additional movement they've put in (the bike dips deeper in the first sequence, and the kids are more animated in the second) isn't as magical somehow. Or maybe it's just that I'm so used to the original way. There is also some additional CGI effects added on to the spaceship which are silly and not needed. Part of the joy of the original film was that it was a very low budget picture for 1982 - when most normal budgeted films were coming in at twenty-five to thirty-five million dollars, E.T. cost an astonishing ten million dollars (which is why, no matter what the lists say, it will always be the most successful film ever). So, it wasn't a film about effects or CGI or anything like that - it was the story and the way it was told. So why muck about with it? Would people stand still if they mucked about with The Wizard of Oz just to bring it more up to date for today's audiences? The biggest tinkering is in the scene where the kids are being chased by the FBI and government people. In the original, they had guns. The guns have been digitally replaced by walkie-talkies, so that the FBI and government people are now aiming walkie-talkies and holding said walkie-talkies as if they were guns. Totally ludicrous. The fact is, the FBI would be carrying guns - and in the original version, Dee Wallace can be heard screaming, "No guns, they're just children!". Without the guns, the final series of jump cuts to Elliott and E.T. (just before they fly) make no sense - there is no threat. It's just nonsensical. Certainly one can understand that it now makes Mr. Spielberg uncomfortable that the guns were in the scene, but I think that without them the scene loses much of its power.

Other than that, the film is a wonder. John Williams' score is as breathtaking and beautiful as ever (if you want a real ear-opener, however, go listen to the final movement of Howard Hanson's Romantic Symphony - it's obviously what the entire last sequence was temp-tracked with, from the bike chase on, and you will be amazed just how close structurally and texturally Mr. Williams adheres to it). The cast is great, the script is great and Mr. Spielberg's direction is great. Just keep him away from his own work. What's next - a CGI shark?

What am I, Ebert and Roeper all of a sudden? Don't forget, there's a brand spanking new radio show up right this very minute and Donald Feltham tells me it's a lot of fun. By the way, Donald is very appreciative of all the wonderful comments you've been sending him or posting to the site. And so am I. I've always loved the idea of doing this type of radio show, and I'm thrilled it's become so popular. In fact, I'm told it's the most popular radio show of any kind that has ever aired anywhere. Oops, was that a merry prank? Don't we have a higher purpose here? Also, there's till time to get your trivia question guesses in.

Tonight I'll be meeting and rehearsing with our Tourette's Syndrome benefit hosts, Charlie Brill and Mitzi McCall to go over their material. They are a ton of fun and I'm sure there will be laughs galore and even a merry prank or two.

Well, it is time for me to greet the day, to jump in the shower, to do the things I do. Today I shall act foolish, I shall do these foolish things because they remind me of you. I shall romp and play and skip about like an insane life insurance salesman. I shall be giddy with foolishness because today is April Fool's Day and to behave otherwise would be foolish. Let us all wallow in our foolishness, despite our higher purpose. Let us eat cheese slices and ham chunks and dance the Hora and cavort in our undergarments.

I loved seeing your choices for your favorite plays yesterday, some very unexpected indeed. Today's topic of discussion: What are your favorite Burton Lane songs? I'll start: Too Late Now (gorgeous), How Are Things In Glocca Mora and Look To the Rainbow, In Our United State, Hurry, It's Lovely Up Here, She Wasn't You, What Did I Have That I Don't Have? and on and on. Your turn.