haines his way

04/05/2002:
"THE MELTZ AND ERNEST STORY"

Well, dear readers, I know I have on many occasions promised a story and I think it's high time we had one, don't you? Not low time, mind you, no, I think it's high time we had a story at haineshisway.com and what better story than the story of Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest. The Unvarnished Truth. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, we will have the unvarnished truth about Meltz and Ernest, because we don't tell the varnished truth around here. Varnish smells to high hell and we never use it. "High hell"? Shouldn't that be "low hell"? How can something smell to high hell when hell is low? Some saying person has made an awful mistake. Something can stink to high heaven, yes, but not to high hell because hell is subterannean. Where was I? Something about varnish and smelly things and Meltz and Ernest. Was I talking about Kasha Varnishkas? Oh, yes, I remember. I remember sky. It was blue as ink, you know. In any case, I think it's high time we tell the story of Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest, the songwriters du jour here at haineshisway.com. High time, high hell, what's with all these high things? High School, high horse, high ho, I think we are giving low things short shrift, whatever the high hell that is. Of course, we can't give low things tall shrift because low things cannot have tall shrift, only short shrift because short and low are a team, like Meltz and Ernest. Anyway, today we will start the story of Meltz and Ernest, but it will be a short story because not much is known about their lives. I've done lots of research and let me tell you it has not turned up a lot of pertinent facts. However, the facts that my research has turned up are unvarnished.
I thought that paragraph would never end, didn't you? I thought that paragraph would keep on going come hell or high water. There's that high again. High hell, high water, high holiday, enough with the high already. We had a lovely rehearsal yesterday with David Naughton, David Ruprecht, Joan Ryan and our very own Tammy Minoff for the Tourette's Benefit concert. They're doing a brace of songs from Julius and Cissy Wechter's musical comedy, Growing Pains. I must say the songs, once heard, are hard to get out of your head - they're very catchy.
All your posts yesterday about "worst meals" were most excellent and nauseating at the same time. If anyone missed them, simply use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button. But for now, let's all use the handy-dandy Unseemly Button button below so we can have the Meltz and Ernest story.
THE MELTZ AND ERNEST STORY: THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH
Before Hinky Meltz and Ernest Ernest met, they led separate lives, one not aware of the other. Hinky Meltz was born on the lower east side of New York in the early 1930s. His parents, Edward and Minky Meltz were loving and doting parents to Hinky and his four brothers, Binky, Pinky, Tinky and Winky. While Pinky, Tinky and Winky were always off playing sports, Hinky was at the piano, pounding away. He never took lessons, he was just a natural born pianist and by the time he was six he could play the Warsaw Concerto, which was suitably amazing since a) it was a very difficult piece and, b) it hadn't been written yet. Hinky wrote his first song at age eight. It was a very personal song (he wrote his own lyrics, too) called "Ma, My Shoes Are So Tight My Feet Are Turning Green". Only a fragment of this song survives:
Ma, my shoes are so tight my feet are turning green and they don't feel great
So, ma can you buy me new shoes before they have to amputate?
While he was obviously not a great lyricist, the tune was undeniably clever with its rising fifths and diminshed sevenths. Hinky was a model student - but at ten he decided he didn't want to be a model, that he wanted to be a full-time composer. This was a disappointment to Minky Meltz, but she allowed her son to have his dream.
Ernest Ernest was born in Lebanon, Ohio, but his parents quickly moved to the upper west side of New York, where they lived on 96th Street and Columbus Avenue in a very nice apartment. His parents, Moe and Teenie Ernest were stern and cold to their son. He was, in fact, basically raised by the family maid, Ilsa Francoise Rodriguez, a lovely lady of German, French and Hispanic parentage. Ilsa, who had a disconcerting melange of accents, was good to Ernest, and encouraged his obvious talent with words, by saying things like, "You vill write, mon ami, otherwise I will make you eat Frijoles." From an early age, Ernest began his jottings (as he called them), keeping a diary, jotting down whatever thoughts came into his head, sometimes as prose but more often as poetry. Ernest's jottings were very ernest, and profound even for someone of the age of five. One entry to his jottings diary reads thusly:
My mother is cold
My father is male
If you'd like to buy them
I think they're for sale.
Yes, it was obvious that Ernest Ernest would someday grow into a fine lyricist.
And so, Hinky Meltz continued to pound away at the piano creating catchy tunes, and Ernest Ernest continued his jottings as they both grew to manhood. Soon the two would meet in a totally happenstance way that would change the course of both their lives.
Wow, that is a story. That is a tale. The saga will continue tomorrow in high fashion. There we go with the high again.
Don't forget, tomorrow is also our Unseemly Trivia Contest and hopefully by then I will have thought of an Unseemly Trivia Contest question. Also, Donald will have a brand spanking new The Broadway Radio Show up on Sunday, and I'm sure he'll be along to tell us what it is.
We always talk about musicals, songwriters or movies in our topics of discussion (and bad meals, too), but today let's make our topic of discussion about words (in honor of Ernest Ernest), books. What are your favorite 20th century novels? I'll start: I have always loved and adored and will always love and adore Miss Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird - I first read it back in 1961 and fell in love with it and that love affair has continued to this very day. I also love Lolita by Mr. Nabakov, Lord of the Flies by Mr. Golding, Nineteen Eighty-Four by Mr. Orwell, a wonderful book called Ellen Foster by Kaye Gibbons, Farewell, My Lovely and The High Window by Mr. Raymond Chandler, The Black Curtain and Night Has a Thousand Eyes by Mr. Cornell Woolrich (the latter title written under his pseudonym, George Hopley), The Chill by Mr. Ross Macdonald (one of the great detective books), Rosemary's Baby by Mr. Ira Levin (a brilliant book and a brilliant film as well, the most faithful adaptation of any book to film), The Shining by Mr. Stephen King, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Miss Christie, The Wanting Seed by Anthony Burgess, Time and Again by Jack Finney (are you starting to feel that I love genre fiction?), The Collector by Mr. Fowles, Soldier In the Rain by William Goldman, The Last Flower by James Thurber (not a novel, of course, but brilliant nonetheless), well, I have to stop. Obviously these are not all masterpieces of literature, but they are all books I've loved and that have influenced me in one way or another. And, of course, there are way too many others to list. The most recent book I've read that I thought was disturbing and brilliant was by an English author called Martyn Bedford, a book called Acts of Revision. Your turn.

Replies: 19 Unseemly Comments

there will indeed be a new radio show this Sunday....David Levy is back as he and I delve into our CD and record collections for some fun showtune cover versions....you'll hear songs by Cole Porter, Rodgers & Hammerstein and Andrew Lloyd Webber performed by artists like Donna Summer, Meatloaf, and Diana Ross & The Supremes.....tune in and join us for some fun!
Posted by Donald @ 04/05/2002 10:09 AM PST

Well... my favorite books are thus:
The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach (who also wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull) -- a semi autobiographical novel of a man searching for his soulmate. Musical fans will also appreciate the writings about Leslie Parish in this book.
After that, the some standard fare, fair or faire: East of Eden, Catcher in the Rye, Lord of the Flies.
And then, some novel novels - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Mr. Kimmel..if you haven't read the 4 books in the trilogy, and no.. that is not a typo, then you really must for the shear twist on logic that the books are riddled with)..
Willy Wonka, What Dreams May Come, Bid Time Return, Sphere, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and Where the Sidewalk Ends..
Posted by Craig @ 04/05/2002 10:13 AM PST

First things first, I have a worst meal to add to the Eggs Potpouri of yesterday.
Fortunately, this is a worst meal I haven't eaten. God willing, I never will.
A Jewish acquaintance asserted that Jewish women cannot cook. Not being Jewish myself, and knowing some rather decent Jewish cooks, I questioned his generalization.
It turns out that his only case in point was his own mother. He had been at her house the previous evening and was invited to dinner. After a few disgusting bites, he inquired what it was he was consuming. "We ordered Chinese yesterday and Italian the day before," she offered proudly. "So I just mixed the left-overs together."
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/05/2002 11:08 AM PST

My favorite 20th Century novels? Whoo Boy! There are many: "Midnight's Children" by Salman Rushdie, "Kangaroo Notebook" by Kobe Abe, "Hopscotch" by Julio Cortazar, "Christopher Unborn" by Carlos Fuentes, "War of the Saints" by Jorge Amado, "The Wind-up Bird Chronicles" by Haruki Murakami. There really are too many to mention but I love these books!!
Posted by Mattso @ 04/05/2002 11:18 AM PST

Moving right along...
So, Bruce, you never told us. Did Helen Highwater come, or didn't she?
And the professor in me must point out the spelling of sepArate. Just remember: it has A RAT in it.
Novels. I must count "The Lord of the Rings", but of course it was not written in the novel tradition (isn't that a novel tradition?) but as a medieval epic.
"Lolita", hands down. I could read and reread that book forever. Not because of pedophilia--although that's what made Nabokov rich, the mistaken idea that it was dirty book--but because of the unparalleled use of the English--or, as Vladimir will be quick to point out--the American language. I have begun an Esperanto translation. My rendering of the famous first sentence is a gem, but who knows if I will ever finish it?
"Darkness at Noon", not so much as a work of propoganda as a tragic view of the individual's place in society and the cosmos.
"Auntie Mame" and most anything else by Patrick Dennis, including, of course "Little Me" with the marvelous photographs by Chris Alexander. Any of Dennis's other books, "Tony", for example, would make wonderful musicals, too.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/05/2002 11:28 AM PST

WARNING: Unseemly Compliment Ahead -->
Now... if we were to ask what the best novel of the 21st century is.. we would all have to bet our fish on Benjamin Kritzer
Unseemly compliment now over
Posted by Craig @ 04/05/2002 11:30 AM PST

Well, as usual, many of BK's choices would be my choices (and those that I haven't read will certainly go to the top of my reading list). Lolita is a novel I can read over and over again (and have). I would also add What Makes Sammy Run?, The Great Gatsby and almost anything by Harlan Ellison (who has written in numerous genres, although only a few "novels"). For detective fiction I enjoy Sue Grafton and John D. McDonald, especially the latter, and consider Roger Ackroyd the quintessential novel of its kind.
Lots more of course, but I'm at work and must try to get something done.
Posted by Robert Armin @ 04/05/2002 11:33 AM PST

Two of my favorites are BK's, as well: To Kill a Mockingbird and Lolita. I also love The Remains of the Day, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Rebecca, Being There, A Clockwork Orange (flawed, imo, but the use of language is incredible), and the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Oh, dear, I just reviewed this and realized that this looks like a movie list. Oh, well, I can't help that. I've read the books, really I have.
Posted by Lulu @ 04/05/2002 12:12 PM PST

I, too, (ditto, ditto) Re: "To Kill A Mockingbird." I was so personally affected by this book as a teen -- and the movie -- that I've always felt possessive of it.
I spent way too much on an autographed copy of the anniversary reprint of a few years ago. And I treasure it.
Others: J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"; Stephen King's "The Stand" (restored edition); Heinlein's "The Number of the Beast"; Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land"; Frank Herbert's "Dune."
I've read thousands of books in my life, but those are the ones that touched something very deep within me.
And then there's "The Little Engine that Could..."
R
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 04/05/2002 12:47 PM PST

James Michner's "The Source."
Posted by SteveG @ 04/05/2002 01:21 PM PST

Separate has been fixed - it was a mere slip of the keyboard which, I suppose, is better than a mere petticoat of the keyboard.
Posted by bk @ 04/05/2002 01:33 PM PST

Favourite novels:
E l Doctorow "The Book Of Daniel"
Peter Hoeg "Borderliners"
Tim Winton "Cloud Street"
Clive Barker "Weaveworld"
John Le Carre "A Perfect Spy"
Steinbeck's "Cannery Row"
Waugh's "Brideshead Revisited
Scott's "Jewel In The Crown" trilogy. &
OF COURSE "The Hobbit" & "Lord Of The Rings"
Tempted to include the Harry Potter books: they are fun.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 04/05/2002 01:44 PM PST

My favorite 20th century book has to be "Xing-Xing Sowinski and the Kidney Stones" by Mouse and Cookie Gingham.
Posted by Sandra @ 04/05/2002 03:51 PM PST

Oh, yes, and "A Fine and Private Place" by Peter S. Beagle.
And "Triton" by Samuel R. Delaney, because it works on a level of the main character's consciousness that he is unaware of.
And "Pale Fire" by Nabokov.
And one cannot fail to mention "Any Other Season" by William F. Orr, which is unavailable at the moment but will soon be on the internet again for free. He is one of my favorite writers.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/05/2002 04:15 PM PST

How is it that nobody(so far)has mentioned THE GREAT GATSBY which gets better with every reading.
THE CATCHER IN THE RYE
SOPHIE'S CHOICE
ANDERSONVILLE
COLD MOUNTAIN
THE FIRM
RAGTIME
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 04/05/2002 07:57 PM PST

I apologize...Robert Armin incled THE GREAT GATSBY on his list.
Posted by Arnold M.Brockman @ 04/05/2002 08:00 PM PST

I am so ashamed for not reading earlier and having to post so late tonight. I should be flogged like Judge Turpin... BUT I must include my favorite novels of the twentieth centry first:
(Now keep in mind that I'm not making a literary list here, but books that I love and would read over and again...)
Lolita, which I read upon being persuaded by a certain person... (and read over and over of my own free will)
To Kill a Mockingbird, of course.
Brave New World
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
My Antonia
From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konisburg
GONE WITH THE WIND (This made no one else's list?)
The Secret Language by Ursula Nordstrom
Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman
Paper Moon by Joe David Brown
The Little Women "trilogy"
And finally, I'm sure I'd add Benjamin Kritzer to my list if I could ;)
Posted by Lolita @ 04/05/2002 08:21 PM PST

Alice in Wonderland
Wonderfull Wizard of Oz
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The Exorcist
The Name of the Rose
Lost Horizon
and
The Old Testement
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 04/06/2002 06:49 AM PST

THE CLUB DUMAS by Arturo Perez-Reverte; it served as the touchstone for the troublesome Polanski film, THE 9TH GATE.
NEVERWHERE by Neil Gaiman; a touch of ALICE IN WONDERLAND, with loads upon loads of dark, intriguing characters. Anyone who liked the film A.I. will probably find a few similarities.
MASKERADE by Terry Pratchett; or, any of his "Disc World" novels, but this one tramples and satirizes musical theater (especially Sir Andrew) as well as skewering dime store novels and Universal horror movies.
Pagnol's THE WATER OF THE HILLS, stunningly and correctly filmed by Claude Berri as JEAN DE FLORETTE and MANON OF THE SPRINGS.
LORD OF THE DEAD by Tom Holland; it's Lord Byron as a vampire!
FATHER OF FRANKENSTEIN and HOLD TIGHT by Christopher Bram; the former about the last days of director James Whale's life, the latter a 1940's detective tale with an unusual slant.
CITY OF NIGHT and THE VAMPIRES by John Rechy; the latter is not about the undead, but about a series of psychological games played out on a mysterious island; the former a tale of hustling.
THE GREAT GATSBY, of course.
Shirley Jackson's THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE; it's never been bettered as far as haunted house stories go.
Doctorow's RAGTIME.
The RIPLEY novels by Patricia Highsmith.
Posted by td @ 04/06/2002 07:30 AM PST

Ask BK: Got a question? Ask Bruce Kimmel...

© Copyright 2001-2003 Bruce Kimmel.
All Rights Reserved. Site design by hijinks design.