haines his way

04/08/2002:
"THE FORGOTTEN CLOCK"

Well, dear readers, you won't believe it - yesterday I changed all the clocks in the house (most of the electronic ones change themselves these days like the computer and VCR) except for one. Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, I forgot to change one clock and, of course, that was the clock in my bedroom. Hence, I woke up at eight and yet it was nine. O, cruel happenstance. I have a nine-forty-five meeting this morning and must leave the house in twenty minutes. So, I'm afraid these will have to be very short notes. However, since there are those of you who catch up on the weekend notes after the fact, there's plenty to read. Yes, today I will have to be succinct and to the point. Of course that flies in the face of the way I usually write these notes, but it is good to fly in the face of things every now and then, it is good to shake things up and put them in the blender of life.
There, you see, look at that neat and tidy paragraph above. Mr. Mark Bakalor will be dancing the Hora in glee, do you hear me? He lives for neat and tidy paragraphs. He's always wanted this first section to be very short and today he will get his wish because I feel it is high time we all click on that Unseemly Button below because time is ticking away like an uncontrollable kneecap.
Yes, time is still ticking away like an uncontrollable kneecap, because time stands still for no man, woman or kneecap. Time marches on. Tempis fugit. Time is a river that keeps on flowing, time is the opposite of the 405 freeway which never keeps on flowing. Time is inexorable and there is nothing we can do about it exept go with the flow, although sometimes I do prefer to flow with the go. What the hell am I talking about?
I watched Mulholland Drive again and I must say it's better the second time, and things become clearer. And Naomi Watts really does deserve all her accolades for this film. Her transformation in the last half-hour is extraordinary and when I first saw the film yesterday I wasn't even sure it was her.
Things are getting very busy right now - the Tourette's Syndrome benefit is coming up in three weeks and we now have to tie all the loose ends up and finalize everything. These multi-artist benefits are amazingly difficult to coordinate - everyone's schedules are different, and the wrangling alone is totally wacky sometimes. We had our first cast dropout over the weekend (this happens all the time with benefits - that's why one always says "Subject to change" - people get gigs, things come up), and sadly it's Nancy Sinatra, although we were all concerned about it happening. She just didn't have the time to commit to learning the three songs that are in the medley she would have been doing. So, I'm scrambling around trying to find a terrific replacement for her. As soon as we've set the replacement you will all be the very first to know who it is.
Have I mentioned that I forgot to reset the clock in my bedroom? I promise that I will reset it today so that I have plenty of time to write tomorrow's notes. Tomorrow we will have long notes instead of short notes. Also, you still have time to get in your trivia contest guesses - I will only say that we have had no correct guesses yet. I clarified one point of the question yesterday, so if you missed yesterday's notes just use the handy-dandy Unseemly Archive Button. And if you haven't caught the new radio show, do so immediately, it's really fun.
Today's topic of discussion: Because I write these here notes everyday, you dear readers get a lot of information about me. That's why I started the topics of discussion, so you could participate and I could see how you feel about things and what your favorites are. So, today I'd like to know a bit about each of you - what you like to do, what you do for a living, if you're in school, what your interests are, how old you are. I know that I've received e-mails asking me if I know this reader or that reader and what they're like - so here's a chance for all of you to get to know each other a bit. So, go to it, dear readers and I'll be back tomorrow with long notes.

Replies: 26 Unseemly Comments

Bruce,
I would like to offer to solve your Nancy Sinatra problem by volunteering to replace her myself. That's right. I will replace Nancy Sinatra for you.
There are, of course, a few conditions.
First, since I live in New York, Long Island to be precise, I will not be able to attend rehearsals, and I will require a round-trip ticket and a hotel room convenient to the venue of the benefit. A limousine would be nice, but I will understand if there are budget restrictions.
Second, I can neither sing nor dance nor play a musical instrument nor tell very funny jokes. This is, however, an advantage, since I will not need to learn any songs or rehearse.
What I can do--and this will certainly be different from any other act at the benefit--what I can do, and what I do professionally, is teach mathematics. You don't want all the acts to be the same, do you?
I offer two proposals. Either a stimulating lecture on how non-Euclidean geometry changed the face of Western thought; or a rather dry lecture on how to calculate interest and annuities. The latter one would be an audience-participation number, provided, of course, that they all bring their calculators (with logarithm buttons), as I have no doubt they will.
Barring those two possibilities, I could also teach them the elements of differential calculus, but this would entail expanding my act to the entire evening and sending all your other performers home.
I know, I know, it is extremely generous of me to give of my time like this, and you feel like you owe your life to me.
In any case, this should serve as an introduction to who I am. A 57-year-old associate professor of mathematics at Hofstra University, where I have been for 28 years.
I live in a two-story house on an acre of wooded land with my partner Joe. I am a former member of Lehman Engel's BMI Musical Theatre Workshop, which I actually attended when Lehman was teaching it.
I have published science fiction stories in the ORBIT series. I speak Esperanto fluently and actually teach a course in it at the University.
I am came to New York from Marquette, Michigan (one year teaching); Madison, Wisconsin (7 years grad school); Pasadena, California (4 years at Caltech); Denver, Colorado (High School--ooo ooo!); Tulsa, Oklahoma (7 years); Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (1 year); and Orange, New Jersey (birth).
My father was an F.B.I. agent and I personally met J. Edgar Hoover at the age of 8--but we were never intimate.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/08/2002 11:55 AM PST

Paragraph 12, line 1:
Reads:
"I am came..."
Change to:
"I came..."
I realize this will lower my grade in the course and am prepared to accept it.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/08/2002 12:00 PM PST

I would also like to extend my offer to appear at your benefit. Following William Orr's brilliant math lesson, I will give a stimulating lecture on bottle-feeding orphaned kittens. My only requirement is gas money and a room at Motel 6.
I'm a stay-at-home mom of two teens. Before the kids came along, I was a court reporter, where I was involved in many exciting court cases (ha!). We live in Scottsdale, Arizona, and we don't have to change our clocks for daylight savings time. I'm very simple and very easy to please, and except for the theater ticket thing, I'm a really cheap date.
Posted by Laura @ 04/08/2002 01:59 PM PST

If William is willing to lipsinc and wear a dress, I do a mean version of "These Boots are made for Walking". This is very different from the median and mode version I do of aforementioned song.
I would hate to leave our Mathmetician all alone up here so here is my story:
I am a 30 year old computer tech living in Austin, Texas. I am not in school at the moment but I am about to dump my career to teach elementary school. I can play Cajun songs and Ozzy Osbourne on the Violin, but not simultaneously. I am an amature cook and a food freak and my guilty pleasure is watching Indian Bollywood musicals.
Posted by Mattso @ 04/08/2002 02:10 PM PST

Mr. Orr, I understand you may harbor congenital bias for conjunctions, but you have abused nor in the fifth paragraph, first and second lines. Furthermore, you have miscounted paragraphs. ["Bruce," is the first paragraph.] For the aforementioned errors, for misplacement of the adverb however, and for the egregious inability to perform, your grade has been lowered once more. The grade will be marginally passing so that you will not be detained in the class.
Posted by freedunit @ 04/08/2002 02:13 PM PST

Oh -- and I was one of the proofreaders of the soon-to-be published "Benjamin Kritzer." One of my favorite quotes is: "Yes, we took the Oldsmobile."
Posted by Laura @ 04/08/2002 02:26 PM PST

I did not forget to set my clocks before going to be Saturday night.
Had I done so, I would have had the entire day of Sunday to correct my mistake.
Had BK been as anally attentive as I would have been had it been necessary, we would have been deprived of today's column.
Oh, how lucky we "might" have been.
S-i-g-h.
R
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 04/08/2002 02:31 PM PST

"Bed" -- of course, I mean "bed."
Not "be."
One does not go to "be."
One goes to "bed."
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 04/08/2002 02:32 PM PST

Retired school teacher. I taught Economics, Accountancy, Legal Studies, Business Management and Secretarial skill subjects for thirty + years to 16 - 19 year olds. (Pre University entrance students - is that College or Snr High in the USA?)
My interests are Musical theatre and 50/60's pop music. (Buddy Holly and Bobby Darin were my favourites of the period). Like good pop writing - hence Mr Newman and Mr Simon are tops. Have enjoyed world travel in the past - income does not allow much now - and have loved to see London and New York shows when possible.Have no talents that I can offer - don't really think I can be a substitute for any of the living Sinatras(Or even those not). At one stage in my teaching career my students clled me "Howie" after Happy Days character Howard Cunningham - I guess that means I am a similar shape to Tom Bosley!
I live with my partner of 25 years about 40 miles from Melbourne Australia in a semi-rural environment. Enjoy reading the column before breakfast each day (the day before it is written which is weird). Even find the grammar pedants amusing! I am prone to carelessly split infinitives at will and to overuse exclamation marks etc. Just had to calculate my age - 56. I missed putting in my classical favourites the other day - Brahms Violin Concerto in D. (The Nigel Kennedy Cd is wonderful). Mahler (My favourite movie is possibly "Death in Venice" with the brilliant Dirk Bogarde). Back to favourite books - I have enjoyed all of the writings of the late Mr Bogarde. Still hoping to hear/see "Wise Guys" in some form before I die!
Posted by Tom Guest (from OZ) @ 04/08/2002 03:25 PM PST

Originally from Canada, where I worked in all areads of the entertainment field
I was an actor. Appeared briefly in many bad movies and one really good mini-series for American TV (Little Gloria Happy at Last).
I was a regular "cop" on the syndicated version of the tv show Sirens. Though most of my scenes did not appear in the USA version as it ran only 41 minutes without commercials. The Canadian version was longer and had the uneccesary scenes that I usually appeared in.
I also was on a game show.(Chain Reaction) I won one game and lost the next.
I had a radio show very much like Broadway Hour.
I worked in theater where I acted produced, directed and wrote.
I had two plays produced that I authored. One was a musical version of Lysistrata which I co-wrote the book.
Another one was called Survivors. Three character monologues about people who lovers or family members have died from AIDS. It also used songs by Kurt Weill. I directed this play as well. Portion of the play were used for TV documetary that appeared on CBC-TV (Canada's BBC or PBS)
Currently working on revisions of two plays after some workshops. Also a screenplay.
Avid collector of cabaret artists and broadway related material. I have almost the entire catalogue of Varese Sarabande and Fynsworth Alley up to the time Mr. Kimmel left.
I visited LA once a year and stay with a friend in Studio City. Near the old MTM studios which is near Laurel Canyon and Ventura.
Tonight I am off to see Craig Rubano do his cabaret show, Finishing the Act.
I live now in Boca Raton, FL which is evenly distanced between West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale.
I am single.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 04/08/2002 04:05 PM PST

I would also like to offer my contribution to the benefit show. I will give a fencing demonstration. I'm not very good, but once I DID beat the blind girl in the wheelchair. I don't require anything because I'll ride in the car with my mom and sleep on the floor in her motel room.
I am a student. I collect antique Evelyn Nesbit postcards. I like to go to Hollywood Boulevard with my gold sticky letters and make stars on the sidewalk for my friends. While in Hollywood, I also like to go to cemeteries where my favorite dead celebrities are buried.
My favorite singers are Jason Graae, Guy Haines, Forever Plaid, The Four Aces, and the Rat Pack. I like to watch the Lawrence Welk Show because I like to see the orange suits and the funny hair. I also think leopard spots are funny.
Posted by Sandra @ 04/08/2002 04:14 PM PST

I am 17 and I just bought THREE (count them) little black dresses. Next year I will be attending Bennington College where I will major in English/Theatre/Film (in other words, I get to create my own).
When I grow up I want to own more black dresses, be infamous, and marry Benjamin Kritzer (Or David Mamet).
Posted by Lolita @ 04/08/2002 04:16 PM PST

A note on pedantry.
I am probably the most compulsive pedant here, but I shall point out that my corrections have only been 1) of my own writing; and 2) of Bruce's, which I only do to balance out the unmitigated praise which I usually offer him.
As to freedunit's criticisms, I plead not guilty to nor abuse. Nor has never once complained to the authorities and is of legal age. However, however, is free to glide gracefully about a sentence for rhetorical effect.
Of course, many discussion forums have a written netiquette policy forbidding spelling and grammatical corrections of others, since these tend to degenerate into counter-accusations and ad hominem attacks.
On an entirely different subject, I have the "Unsung Sondheim" album on and am doing my banking right now. "What Can You Lose?" just came on, and my first reaction was, "who belongs to that beautiful voice?" What a surprise to check the album and find it was our very own Guy Haines. Now is the time for the unmitigated praise.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/08/2002 06:01 PM PST

I am a 22-year-old majoring in Choral Education at Central Washington University. The university is in Ellensburg, WA (100 miles east of Seattle), which has been my home my entire 22 years.
Got into the musical theatre thing in high school, and have appeared in about a dozen productions since. Moving to the other side of the stage as vocal director for productions of "Man of La Mancha" and "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" this summer.
I am a Sondheimite, through and through, and it was through BK's former postings at sondheim.com that I discovered his marvelous writings. In fact, as a scholarship project, I have been putting together 3 full recitals of Sondheim stuff this year...2 down, 1 to go.
To keep my sanity through dreary academic classes, I am fortunate enough to sing in 2 very good ensembles at the university, one classical and one jazz. The jazz choir has been quite fortunate this year in having already performed at one national conference in Long Beach, CA earlier this year, and we're headed off to Nashville on Wednesday for another national conference gig.
Posted by Jed @ 04/08/2002 06:05 PM PST

I'll make this brief. They say I'm 46 now. What that actually means I have no idea. That means I'm older than Clark Gable was at the time of "Gone With The Wind." This does not compute at all.
I live in Phoenix, so I, too, did not have to reset any clocks. One less thing for me to think about. Phoenix is the desert, so the recordings produced by our eseemed host (and the recordings and links to which I have been led) have been an oasis for me.
If I'd had talent, I would have sung and dance. Alas, I did not, so I appreciate those who do.
I have a wonderful dog named Mazal who is the light of my life. I went skydiving for the first time on my birthday and again on Easter (I had the day off so figured I might as well as use it to jump out of a plane). Taking the course and going solo are in my near future (money or no money). Looking at me, you would not necessarily think I'd be one to skydive. But there you have it.
Years ago, I thought maybe I'd look like Guy Madison or George Nader by now. But I don't. I always wanted to be Fred Astaire; a few years ago I realized I was becoming more like Fred MacMurray or Fred Rogers instead. It won't be long before I start wearing leopard spots. When I do, I can join in the Nancy Sinatra act!
Posted by Kerry @ 04/08/2002 07:12 PM PST

Well, BK, when you ask a question like this, what can a poor boy do but respond?!?!?!?
Okay, okay - I am 45 now, truth be told, NO ONE believes me; so, here it is in black and white: I was born in 1956, NOT 1965!
I am on the ouskirts of the business, as well as on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. I work as a writer, singer and sometimes actor. I am currently acting in my first book show in close to a decade, LOVE'S LABOURS WONNE by Don Nigro, which retells the conspiracy-ridden tale of Shakespeare, Marlowe and The Dark Lady of the Sonnets. My three roles in this ensemble-driven piece are, Edward Alleyn (the world's greatest tragedian actor), a Stratford preacher and finally, Skeres, one of the three murderers of Christopher Marlowe. Canned ham to stage combat in one little show.
Previously, I have been doing solo cabaret work, with an occasional guest shot in friends' cabarets, and have sung at DON'T TELL MAMA'S in NYC.
I have had one-act plays produced at (but not BY) Carnegie-Mellon University - where I was employed as a catering manager & cater waiter/bartender, and where I had the extreme pleasure of seeing tons of talent that is now on Broadway or in films in their geneses. My semi-autobiographical full-length play, THE END OF THE WORLD ON NEW YEAR'S EVE has been produced professionally, and was well-received by both audiences and critics.
And, speaking of critics, currently I am writing film criticim of dvds for two websites (BK, c'mon give one of them a plug!) and, something that gives me great pride to say: I am on staff at SCARLET STREET magazine, where for the past three issues, my dvd criticism has been published.
I consider myself a very lucky guy, who is able to do the things he loves to do in the time granted, and not go completely bonkers!
Posted by td @ 04/08/2002 07:41 PM PST

Isn't this wonderful? I feel we should all break out the Diet Coke and sing Getting to Know You.
I don't think anyone was criticizing anyone - I think everyone has tongue firmly in cheek (not butt cheek, that would be unseemly) when they post, so please take all posts with a grain of salt, or perhaps a grain of paprika.
It's funny, many of you are older than I would have imagined and many of you are younger than I would have imagined. Many of you are both younger and older than I would have imagined and many of you are a different age than I would have imagined. I'm also grateful that I am apparently not the oldest person here.
Posted by bk @ 04/08/2002 08:31 PM PST

Is ANY of Lolita's bio true? If so, I may have found a new Susan Gordon! (Be still, my beating heart)
Posted by Robert Armin @ 04/08/2002 09:36 PM PST

Ignore my previous comment, please. I was shocked (shocked, do you hear?) to discover that I am now eight years older than Humbert Humbert was when he died! (Now who can figure out that one?)
Posted by Robert Armin @ 04/08/2002 09:51 PM PST

Bruce, I think you are my ideal man. You have any room in your life for someone who would adore you ?
Posted by Scott @ 04/08/2002 10:46 PM PST

About me, there seems to be little to tell. My ever-loving Der Brucer and I will be moving from our home in Long Beach, Ca., very soon. We will be moving to Rehoboth Beach, De. It will seem strange, to see the sun rising from the ocean, when it used to go there to set (and create all sorts of steam).
Other than that, I admit to being shocked, yes SHOCKED, to learn that I am precisely one day younger than Kathy Lee Gifford. I was about to write something catty about facelifts, but I don't need one.
Posted by S. Woody White @ 04/09/2002 12:44 AM PST

With all the talent around here, who needs Nancy Sinatra?
Hey, why don't us kids get together and put on a show?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/09/2002 03:07 AM PST

[salutation:]
Scott,
[first paragraph:]
Get in line.
[second paragraph:]
Oops, I forgot. I'm married.
[closing:]
wfo
Posted by William F. Orr @ 04/09/2002 05:33 AM PST

William -- I think that's a great idea! Maybe we can even provide the refreshments for afterwards. You can bring your Egg Potpouri, and Sandra can whip up some leftovers. I'll bring the soy ham chunks and soy cheese slices.
Posted by Laura @ 04/09/2002 07:01 AM PST

A show. What a great idea. This is just like a Judy Garland and Micky Roony movie! It's too bad we all live in different states so rehearsal would be difficult. I'm a great director, a regular John Smithee. Donuts anyone?
Posted by Mattso @ 04/09/2002 08:21 AM PST

Now how is it that I missed the topic of the day? Could it be that I hit the snooze alarm?
My age: 50-something
My occupation: Retired military; administrative assistant in County real estate office.
My military occupation: Journalist and broadcaster.
My education: B.A. Theater Arts, minor: English & Speech
My school: Mars Hill College, Mars Hill NC
My key theatrical experience(s) at Mars Hill: Playing Matt in "The Fantasticks" -- and most surprisingly of all, I hadn't wanted to audition (but theater majors HAD to audition for everything). There were too many music (voice) majors at the audition, and I felt totally inconsequential and underequipped.
My audition piece was "What Kind of Fool Am I" (very apt, at the time and now). My right arm numbed up totally, and dangled uselessly while I tried to make meaningful, low-keyed, gestures with my left. I finished the song, left the theater and returned to my dorm to lick my wounds.
My roommate -- the funniest soul I've ever known -- returned to the dorm some two hours later, totally bummed out. His audition had gone well, he said, but he wasn't called back. Then began a litany of every single auditioner -- what each had sung -- followed by the fact that he or she wasn't called back.
Then he named the ones who were called back. No surprises there, I thought. And then he paused, looked at me very oddly, and said, "Oh! And YOU'RE called back!"
He shook his head as though he and I were sharing his disbelief. Inside me, however, was a little voice that kept saying, What? What? What? My blood beating ever faster. I decided I needed to take a walk. I ran down the hill from my dorm to the theater and looked at the call-back roster. There I was. Along with two other guys. Called back to audition as Matt! (I had filled in my audition sheet as trying for one of the fathers). The next day, I was summoned to pick up music so I could prepare songs to sing at final auditions. A pianist who was involved with the show saw me in hall, took pity on me, and gave up an hour to run me through a few of the songs.
That night I was competitive. That night I came of age.
That's how I became Matt. My "most bestest" theatrical experience on-stage.
Second best: "Ten Little Indians" at the Naples (Italy) Little Theater in Fall 1976.
Third best: "Bye Bye Birdie" as Albert Peterson in Vicenza, Italy, Spring 1975.
Fourt Best: As director of "1776" for the Naples (Italy) Little Theater in Spring 1976.
My dream: To be a professional actor for the rest of my life.
My reality: (I have been inactive in theater since 1977). Was being drafted during finals of my senior year in college. Joined the Navy to avoid the Army -- went to an Army base for physical and flunked the physical. The Navy, however, found me fit for duty and waived the Army's findings. The Navy wasted about a year and half of my life while I pretended to be a Radio-man -- which at my low rating consisted mostly of swabbing decks, running messages off on mimeo machines (anybody remember THOSE things???), and making coffee. Also standing barracks watch. Boy! That was a thrill. Still, I was on my own for the first time in my life, I was in Jacksonville FL, I was making my own money, and I had a ball.
Luckily, fates intervened, the Navy's journalism program (which had been closed for a couple of years) was made available to me, and I acquired a new lease on life.
The school was fabulous -- THERE were the folks I was supposed to be around -- these were the military folks with college educations and aspirations like mine!!!!
My first duty was in a radio (real radio -- as in DJs and news, etc) station in Vicenza, Italy -- a charming city in the Veneto region. It was a 45-minute train ride from Venezia (ahhh, Venice...), a 20-minute train ride from Verona (...but soft, what light from yonder window...), another 20-minute train ride from Padova (...I've come to wive it wealthily in Padua...).
I was one of two Navy men serving on a sleepy little Army outpost in the town. The Army was in charge of Armed Forces Radio (and later television) and Vicenza was its headquarters. It was a heck of a great experience.
Other assignments followed, the best being a three-year stint as Station Manager for the AFRTS-TV/Radio station in Naples, Italy from 1989-1992.
I retired from the Navy Dec. 31, 1993 and drove from San Diego (I retired off USS Kitty Hawk (CV-63) which was at North Island) to Oakland. I have been here since then...only occasionally glancing wistfully across the Bay toward the magical city of San Francisco...but enjoying Oakland anyway.
My roots: South Carolina! Home is wherever my mother is. Currently, she is in Johnston SC, the first place I knew as a child. Spent my first 7 years there, and I'm always glad to return for visits. I'm always gladder to return to Oakland with a continent in between.
If there is anything specific anyone wants to know, feel free to e-mail and ask. Of course, if I don't think it's any of your business, I'll say so.
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 04/09/2002 03:48 PM PST

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