haines his way

05/01/2002:
"THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY"

Well, dear readers, it was twenty years ago today that Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play, and it was one year ago today that I finally got up the courage to begin writing my book. May is just that kind of month, I think – a month for new beginnings, a month to start things, a month to say, “May I? Yes, I May”. Why, do you know I began shooting The First Nudie Musical in May? Do you know I began shooting The Creature Wasn’t Nice in May? Well, it’s the merry month of May today and things are a’brewin’, new things, and you will all be the first to know about them, dear readers. Do you think if these here notes were done on the radio instead of print that you would be ear readers? In any case, it is May, and one year ago I began on my book journey, which has been an incredible ride.
I’d been thinking about writing a novel for twenty years (since Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play), but every time I’d think about it (once a year) I’d think, “Oh, I can’t do that – I’ve never done that. That’s serious writing, I don’t know from serious writing”. Then I’d forget about it, go about my daily business and then a year later think about it again. For awhile I thought I’d write a mystery, because I love mysteries – I even came up with a plot and a good backdrop. It would take place backstage at a Broadway musical tryout. But, I could never get motivated about it. I do recall writing a page or two, but I couldn’t get beyond it, couldn’t decide if it should be first or third person, couldn’t get off my butt cheeks and actually get serious. No, I kept going back to the kind of thing I really wanted to write about, which was my childhood – growing up in Los Angeles in the fifties. I wanted to write a valentine to the city and a valentine to childhood, and I thought I had enough colorful things happen that I could cull from that it would be fun to do. But, still, I couldn’t get off my butt cheeks and actually do it.
Then came One From Column A, a column I wrote under the pseudonym The Real A. I wrote that column once a week for two years over at sondheim.com. When Meryle Secrest’s bio of Stephen Sondheim came out, I decided that her next bio would be The Real A: A Life. And so, under the guise of Miss Secrest doing a bio, I began recounting things from my childhood. Just anecdotes really, but they were funny and brought back many fond memories and ultimately they got me thinking about the fershluganah book again. But doing 130 albums in seven years does keep you sort of busy, so again, I just never could sit down and actually begin. But last May something happened. I was sitting on an airplane, taking one of my frequent trips to New York, and I thought to myself, “You are a total coward about this book”. And I realized I’d never really been a coward about anything creative – I’d acted professionally, I’d written and directed films and television, I’d never shied away from anything. So, I thought, “You either forget about this book – never think of it again, ever, or, you write it – you just start and let it take you wherever it may”. Right then and there, I pulled out my handy-dandy laptop computer and wrote the words “Chapter One” and began typing what would eventually become the Prologue of the book. Other than the vaguest idea that I wanted it to be anecdotal, about me as a child, and in the third person, I had no clue what where it was going to take me. I just wrote. I wrote six pages on the plane and put it away. I read them in the hotel, and by gum and by golly, I thought they were acceptable. From that moment on, I never looked back – I wrote almost every day for the next seven months. Starting Friday, I’ll recount some of that process.
Well, dear readers, do you know what time it is? It’s not Howdy Doody time – it’s time to click on that Unseemly Button below, that’s what time it is. So, to it, I say.

Well, dear readers, do you know what day it is? I do. I know what day it is and I’m going to tell you what day it is because why should I keep such a thing from you? It is Ask BK Day, the day where you get to ask me anything, any question that may be on your mind – any old thing at all. Any subject, any topic, whatever you want to ask you ask, and I shall endeavor to answer your questions in a forthright manner and I shall print those very answers in tomorrow’s notes. I have come to look forward to these Ask BK Day questions, and I hope you have, too. So, ask away. And remember, dear readers, don’t answer the questions that are asked, even if you’re dying to. You must hold yourselves back (no mean feat), you must fight the urge, in short, you must let me answer the questions. Oh, I’m so happy it’s Ask BK Day – I have put on my colored tights and pantaloons and I am doing the Butterscotch Pudding dance whilst wearing a tam on my head.
Oh, yes, I promised to print that exciting Meltz and Ernest song, didn’t I? Well, far be it from me to promise something and then not deliver. Here it is:
WHEN I EAT A CHERRY I FEEL CHEERY Music by Hinky Meltz
Lyrics by Ernest Ernest
Food can make your mood!
When the food swings – your mood swings.
When the food’s bad – your mood’s bad
You are what you eat – and that’s sort of neat.
When I eat a cherry I feel cheery,
When I eat a gumdrop I feel gay.
When I eat a dumpling I feel dreary
And when I eat a hot dog then I feel like making hay
(So come and kiss me!)
When I eat some jello I feel jumpy
When I eat some fries then I feel fine.
When I eat some goulash I feel grumpy
But when I eat a muffin how I wish that you were mine!
(And that you’d miss me!)
Eat some ham and I feel happy
Eat some veal I feel devine
Eat some slaw and I feel sappy
A little lamb just makes me feel like Jule Styne
So
When I eat a Twizzler I feel t’wiffic
When I eat a spare rib I feel swell.
When I eat some sole I feel specific
And when I eat some halvah then the world can go to hell
I’ll eat a yam so I can yell
Eating a bagel rings my bell
And when I eat a cherry I get cheery
And the world can go to hell
I really mean it
And the world can go to hell!
Isn’t that a great song? I will have some very exciting Meltz and Ernest news very soon and you will be the first to know about it, dear readers.
I know these notes are on the short side today, but I finally got a decent night’s sleep and woke up rather late. And so, I must get them up right here and now and also right now and here, because it would be unseemly to get them up later.
Besides, tomorrow’s notes with all the Ask BK Day answers are always very very very (that is three verys – perhaps we should vary the verys) long. So, formulate your questions and then ask away. Nothing is off-topic, almost everything is allowed. So, ask away, dear readers, and I shall return like General MacArthur, to answer your questions on the ‘morrow.

Replies: 37 Unseemly Comments

What is the meaning of life?
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/01/2002 09:51 AM PST

What unrecorded musical do you most think deserves one?
Posted by Phil Crosby @ 05/01/2002 09:53 AM PST

What's the best publication out there for staying abreast of doings on Broadway?
Is American Theatre magazine any good?
Posted by Ron Pulliam @ 05/01/2002 10:29 AM PST

I have a bunch of questions today:
1. Where is MacArthur Park?
2. Have you ever left a cake out in the rain?
3. What is Cindy Williams up to these days? She has always been one of my favorite comic actors.
4. Was Leslie Nielson fun to work with?
Posted by Mattso @ 05/01/2002 10:31 AM PST

Here are my questions:
Did you ever see the rest of David Mamet's The Winslow Boy?
What do you think of Gilda Radner?
Now I have to go :)
Posted by Lolita @ 05/01/2002 11:10 AM PST

Tra la! It's May!
The lusty month of May!
That lovely Month when ev'ryone goes
Blisfully astray.
Tra la! It's here!
That shocking time of year!
When tons of wiked little thoughts
Merrily appear.
It's May! It's May!
That gorgeous holiday;
When ev'ry naiden prays that her lad
Will be a cad!
It's mad! It's gay!
A libelous display.
Those deary vows that ev'ryone takes
Ev'ryone breaks
Ev'ryone makes divine mistakes
The lusty monthy of May!
When this fragance wafting through the air?
What sweet feelings does its scent transmute?
When this perfume flowing ev'rywhere?
Don't you know it's taht dear forbidden fruit!
Tra la tra la. That dear forbidden fruit!
Tra la la la la.
Tra la la la la la la la la la la
La la! It's May!
That lusty month of May!
That darling month when ev'ryone throws
Self-control away.
It's time to do
A Wretched thing or two.
And try to make each precious day
One you'll always rue.
It's May! It's May!
The month of "yes, you may,"
The time for ev'ry frivulous whim.
Proper or "im"
It's wild! It's gay!
A blot in ev'ry way.
The birds and bees with all of their vast
Gaze at the human race aghast
The lusty month of May!
Armorous past
Posted by Guinevere @ 05/01/2002 12:28 PM PST

The following two lines go at the end of the posting below.
Gaze at the human race aghast
The lusty month of May!
Posted by Guinevere @ 05/01/2002 12:29 PM PST

Well, Mr. Bruce, after the recent spate of convoluted trivia questions, I was wondering what star of a flop Broadway musical in the fifties was briefly married to the choreographer of a show directed by the brother-in-law of the accountant who worked for the second cousin of Kevin Bacon's maid.
And that put me to mind of: What is your Kevin Bacon number? Mine is four, as my good friend Duane was in Fiddler with Midler, who was in Big Business with Fred Ward, who was in Tremors with the above-mentioned Bacon man.
Also, since your close personal friend Guy Haines recorded "You Must Believe in Love", I wondered what your opinions were on the Jacques Demi/Michel Legrand trilogy, to wit: Les Parapluies de Cherbourg ("The Umbrellas of Cherbourg"); Les Demoiselles de Rochefort ("The Young Girls of Rochefort"; and the least known one, Peau d'âne ("Donkey Skin", possibly the weirdest adaptation ever of a Charles Perault fairy tale).
When Demoiselles played in the U.S. theatres, it had the French soundtrack with subtitles. But I saw in on U.S. TV some decades ago in the British version, which had an entirely English soundtrack, all the songs, with Gene Kelly and others doing their own singing. I made a reel-to-reel tape of that in those pre-VCR days.
Anyway, I love all three and got their soundtracks at Footlight. Care to expound?
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/01/2002 12:33 PM PST

This is my question. (Two Parts)
Part A
As a composer/lyricust yourself;
do you think singers who change pronouns (Him/Her. He/She. Man/Woman. Gal/Guy etc) in songs change the itentions of composer/lyricst original concept/intention?
(I ask this as I was listening to Brent Barret's Kander and Ebb cd on Sunday and when he sang "Isn't It Better:, the pronouns were changed from male to female. (It was written for Streisand playing Fanny Brice singing about Billy Rose) For the first time the song sounded strange to me and didn't have the same impact as a woman singing about a man. Especially familar songs like The Man Who Got Away becomes The Gal/Girl Who Got Away makes the song almost laughable.
Part B:
Do you think singers should sing the songs as the writers originally intened without have the pronouns changed?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/01/2002 12:43 PM PST

What movie musical had a Jeopardy type musical number?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/01/2002 12:45 PM PST

Sorry BK but this question is not for you.
William F. Orr,
Any idea where I can get Peau d'âne on DVD? I adore the first two in that series, especially Les Demoiselles (so great in French!)
Posted by Mattso @ 05/01/2002 01:07 PM PST

How was the Jose Jiminez segment on the benefit show? Which leads me to: What are your favourite comedy recordings of the 60' and 70's. I loved "The First Family", and Lily Tomlin's "This Is A Recording". Wayne & Shuster, Shelly Berman & Bob Newhart were also favourites when I was in my teens.
Posted by Tom from OZ @ 05/01/2002 01:47 PM PST

All right, trivia people. I don't think that the point of Ask BK Day is to stump BK. Then he'd call it Stump BK Day. Let us ask BK fun questions. Let us ask him for his infallible opinion about art, artists, and actors (ha, ha). Let us probe his memory for his meetings with various and sundry (and sundried) famous people.
Anyway. That's just my rant for the day, pardon me.
Also, BK, since I was interupted earlier by the Bad Men, I shall ask a few more questions:
Have you any pets? Cats and dogs or dogs and cats? Or fish, perhaps?
How many pairs of shoes do you have?
and finally,
Do you have any skills which we haven't yet experienced? (Such as drawing, fly fishing, or poker playing?)
All right, I am done.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/01/2002 02:29 PM PST

1. What was your contribution to The Faculty? I see that it is officially “story,” but I ask because it seems there is always a story behind a “story” credit, and I enjoyed the picture.
2. What relation, if any, is John Smithee to Alan?
3. Speaking of Unseemly Trivia Contest answer Mel Brooks, did you know that a perfect anagram of “Bruce Kimmel” is “Rub me! Lick me!”?
4. Did you know that a perfect anagram of “Guy Haines” is “Yeah, I sung”?
5. Did you know that a perfect anagram of “Mark Rutland” is “Mad Lark Turn”?
6. What are your favorite “Bruce Kimmel,” “Guy Haines,” “Mark Rutland,” or other anagrams?
7. We know Guy Haines’ middle name is Gaines and Bruce Kimmel’s is Stewart. What is Mark Rutland’s middle name?
8. Will there ever be a full recording of the score of Smile by Marvin Hamlisch and Howard Ashman in its original orchestration?
9. Sunday night Elaine Stritch said Edward Albee told her the part of Martha in the seemingly forthcoming Broadway revival of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is hers for the taking. Stritch said she is not sure she wants to play a part that so focuses on drinking alcohol. Stritch also mentioned she would like to play Regina Giddens in Lillian Hellman’s The Little Foxes to prove that age does not matter. Without limiting yourself to the parts just mentioned, what show should Stritch do next?
10. What is your reaction to the concept of a male singer singing “The Man That Got Away” exactly as written?
11. Ira Gershwin wrote the lyric and titled the song “The Man That Got Away,” which would be grammatically correct only if it were “The Man Who Got Away.” Certainly Mr. Gershwin made a conscious choice. Should it ever be sung “The Man Who Got Away”?
12. Although he was an Anglophile, Alan Jay Lerner wrote the lyric and titled the song “On the Street Where You Live,” which would be idiomatically correct only if it were “In the Street Where You Live.” Some consider Lerner’s choice of preposition an unequivocal error by a tormented writer. Should it ever be sung “In the Street Where You Live” in My Fair Lady?
13. What is the meaning of Life magazine?
14A. Is there a limit to the number of questions a questioner may ask Bruce on Ask-Bruce day? 14B. If not, how many asks would an asker ask if an asker could ask asks?
15. Having asked so many questions this week, will I have anything to ask Bruce next week?
Posted by freedunit @ 05/01/2002 02:43 PM PST

1. I know you've done many things: acting, directing, producing, etc. But have you ever been a dancer? I know you've done tv acting and movie acting, but what stage acting have you done?
2. Are Meltz and Ernest still alive?
3. Any chance Guy Haines will ever perform live again? I missed the last time!
Posted by Laura @ 05/01/2002 02:57 PM PST

I'd like to say here and now that I like "On..." and not "In the Street...". Why is "on" wrong? She lives on the street. She doesn't live in the street. I don't say "I live in Christopher Street." I say, "I live on Christopher Street." (But of course, I'm lying, because I live on Mill Swamp Rd.) Not that there aren't other grammatical errors throughout that whole show...
Is it one of those grammar rules which is ignored in conversation? Such as ending sentences with prepositions? People do that all the time. SONDHEIM himself (ha, ha) has done it. Anyway.
Just wondering.
;)
Posted by Lolita @ 05/01/2002 03:39 PM PST

1. Kurt Weill-German or American musicals?
2. Ute Lemper-What do you think?
3. Audra McDonald-Ditto?
4. Will Woody Allen ever make another good movie?
5. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Posted by Hapgood @ 05/01/2002 03:55 PM PST

Wonders of wonders, miracles of miracles.. it's ASK BK day... it might just be my favorite day of the week. In fact... I don't even say Wednesday anymore. Today at the bank someone asked me the date and I said "It's Ask BK Day, May 1, 2002". When I left the bank, he said "So long and thanks for all the fish". Speaking of fish.. I came across this novel.. it's a story in 12 fish.. check it out (to avoid a bitchslap from Mark because it's a long website, I put it as my "homepage" - click on my name..
OK.. onto the questions:
1. Have you ever seen the movie Brain Donors, and if so.. what would your review be?
2. What are some of the shows and or concerts you are looking forward to in the next year?
3. What was your first concert (rock, vocal, or otherwise) that you saw.
4. Any progress with the AI musical question I asked that one time in April?
5. How many roads MUST a man (or woman for that matter) walk down? and is the answer REALLY blowing in the wind? And if it is...and I hear a mans voice...do I still need to call it Mariah?
6. What are your 5 favorite websites to visit that are not directly theatre or music related
7. Would Benjamin Kritzer make a good movie? A good musical?
8. What's your favorite touristy thing to do?
#9, #9, #9, #9 oops.. sorry.. beatles slip of the tongue.. Whos' your favorite superhero and why
10. What deli makes the best ham chunks and cheese slices platter?
thank you!
Posted by Craig @ 05/01/2002 05:02 PM PST

For Freedunit since he/she did not supply a email link.
There is an original cast recording available. It has the original cast and has the original orchestras. Although it has been reduced for the recording.
The score is not exaclty as it appeared on Broadway, but actually the revisions that Hamlisch and Ashman prepared for the secondary rights.
The recording is not an audience tape or a soundboard recording that one finds on "bootleg" releases. All you have to legitmatly get a recording of Smile is to
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/01/2002 05:13 PM PST

That should be" It has the original orchestrations.
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/01/2002 05:14 PM PST

1. Many moons ago there was a show on Broadway that travelled extensively and had a LP recording(by Columbia,I believe) It was Stephen Vincent Benet's JOHN BROWN'S BODY and starred Tyrone Power,Charles Laughton and Agnes Moorehead among others.It was a wonderful show --more of a reading but very effecive. A]Did you see the show and what did you think of it? B]Who owns the rights now and is there even the barest possibility of a reissue on CD ??
2. We all are aware that an opera was made out of THE GREAT GATSBY. I still feel that a Musical should be made of this great novel. Do you agree and if you do who would you hire to do the Music and Lyrics,and who would you hire to Direct and Star?
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 05/01/2002 05:53 PM PST

1-We all know ANNIE-The Musical and You're a Good Man Charlie Brown(PEANUTS). What other cartoon strip do you think would make a good musical?
2. There was a movie with Jack Lemmon and Virna Lisi called HOW TO MURDER YOUR WIFE. Do you remember this very funny movie about a cartoonist and do you think this property would make a good musical??
Posted by Armold M. Brockman @ 05/01/2002 06:16 PM PST

Dear BK,
My in-laws are coming to visit this weekend. Do you have any advice for me?
Posted by Laura @ 05/01/2002 06:25 PM PST

bk-
Has it ever occurred to you to put out a Cabaret Act with several performers using the concept of LOST IN BOSTON???
Posted by Arnold M.Brockman @ 05/01/2002 06:28 PM PST

Okay, I have another one.
What's your favorite dictionary?
Posted by Lolita @ 05/01/2002 07:01 PM PST

Has Hinky Meltz & Ernest Ernest ever writen a song about gnrrr? (The fuzzy gray stuff that collects at the bottom of your pocket)?
Posted by Michael Shayne @ 05/01/2002 07:15 PM PST

freedunit...
...answers to only masculine pronouns. Female ones, such as "bitch," no matter how apt, are ignored.
I do not post an E-mail address because I have learned that there are web crawlers out there that are designed to capture posted addresses and send S.P.A.M.*, which I do not appreciate.
Michael Shayne, thank you for trying to assist. I am aware of the demo recordings that exist, which is why my question to the man who recorded several songs from Smile stipulates "full" and "in its original orchestration." [I was an intern on the Broadway production, by the way.]
[* "stuff** posted as mail"]
[** euphemism]
Posted by freedunit @ 05/01/2002 08:08 PM PST

Mattso,
I did a bit of search, and Amazon.com and Blockbuster.com don't have it. Did find one VHS at this link on Ebay.
Current bid is $14.99, bidding ends May 3.
This is all I know.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/01/2002 08:31 PM PST

I'll add to Michael Shayne's question:
Or do you prefer smrgles? I don't know how you spell that.
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/01/2002 08:35 PM PST

bk-
In my question to you about cartoons into Musicals how in the world did I leave out My favorite,Craig's favorite,and most importantly Your favorite Li'l Abner???
Posted by Arnold M. Brockman @ 05/01/2002 08:56 PM PST

Megan asked me to post a question for her:
Every once in a while there's a teenage girl who is really a pain. She'd like to have a nice Yiddish word that she can use that won't get her into any trouble if anyone else should happen to understand it.
Sandra is busy studying for finals and doesn't have time to post a question. However, if you have any words of wisdom, I'm sure she'd appreciate it!
Posted by Laura @ 05/01/2002 10:51 PM PST

Well as long as we're on this May thing, let me share something with you (and let's hope it doesn't offend anyone):
"The first of May,
Hooray, Hooray!
Outdoor fucking starts today!"
Posted by scott @ 05/02/2002 12:25 AM PST

I am shocked, shocked...
Posted by freedunit @ 05/02/2002 07:14 AM PST

I don't think I shall ever be the same again.
Posted by Lolita @ 05/02/2002 07:25 AM PST

Referring to gnrr: I've told people about that for years. I didn't know anyone else called it gnnrr.
Now I'll probably find that there is a song about it. And how the last Lifesaver or Sucrets is usually covered with gnnrr.
Posted by Kerry @ 05/02/2002 07:31 AM PST

It appears that Mr. Scott has a more lively May than I am prone to. Mine would unfortunately go a bit more like this:
"The first of May,
Hooray, Hooray!
Outdoor sneezing starts today"
Posted by Mattso @ 05/02/2002 08:15 AM PST

Kerry wrote, "Referring to gnrr: I've told people about that for years. I didn't know anyone else called it gnnrr.
Now I'll probably find that there is a song about it."
Ah, but Kerry, there is. Well, almost. It is a line of dialogue in the opening scene of The Most Happy Fellah. Cleo says it and spells it and gives smrgles as the alternative, while Rosabella (or Amy, if you will) is ignoring her and getting ready to launch into "Somebody Somewhere".
Posted by William F. Orr @ 05/02/2002 08:29 AM PST

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